It was time to give up. A second time.

She had survived coming to her previous city by a lucky coincidence (almost too lucky to be true), and she had managed to leave it on a similar note. But luck would only get you so far; it had to end at some point.

Maybe she hadn't really understood how blessed she had been to find Hankyung and Heechul and the Nari shelter, but she did once she moved on, as far as the money from Siwon would take her, and she ended up somewhere where there was no shelter. No heavy tourism. No train station where she could hide; only a flimsy bus station with one dirty waiting room.

She had arrived at four in the morning, and in fear of getting found she had scrambled off as far as she had the energy to go, which wasn't far. Running through pouring rain, she ended up outside some kind of mall, pressed against the wall and hiding under the roof that only stuck out about half a meter. It gave her some shelter, but her knees stuck out and her dirty, worn jeans were drenched. She had stopped trying to hide.

It was cold. There were no people around and no stores open. She didn't want to become a person who stole, even in emergencies, but as she was sitting there on the street, shivering from the cold, she thought maybe she'd sunk to that level. Maybe, maybe, if she'd managed to gather some energy by the time life started in the city, maybe she would.

She sat there in the rain, staring down at a river that split the city in half, with her cold arms withdrawn from her jacket sleeves, hugging herself to stop her shivering. In order to stop her thoughts, she mouthed the words to Beautiful Stranger as she went through it in her head over and over, voice coming out small and fragile and broken. In her hand, in her balled up fist inside her jacket, she clutched the crumpled note with Sooyoung's phone number on it. It was over now, and for real, this time.

And thank God. Thank god it was over.

Even just the word 'funeral' felt too big to register in Yoona's mind. She couldn't bear to think of it, but that Monday was Sungmin's funeral. And it felt so final, so unreal, and too soon - like the day was her last chance to say goodbye to the boy, and she wasn't ready. Not in any sense of the word.

The funeral was set to begin at 3, and Yoona, unable to stand the silence of her home, spent the first half of the day in school. She couldn't bear being around Sunny or Jessica or even Yuri, but the short time she spent in their company confused her beyond words. Sunny had said that Jessica was going to break up with Yuri, but now it seemed like nothing has happened, like Jessica had changed her mind about the whole thing. And maybe she had, Yoona thought, and hoped for all she was worth.

But she couldn't think too much of it. Her mind was numb, and she was almost thankful for it, because she knew that beneath that layer of stillness lay an entire world of fear, and she didn't want to deal with it.

When lunch time came, she strolled, almost by habit, towards the library instead of the cafeteria. She didn't want to see any of the people involved in the love triangle, and she didn't want to bump into Seohyun, and to be perfectly honest she was a little upset with Sooyoung for even considering keeping Sunny's secret safe. It was wrong, couldn't she see that?

Then again, she hadn't exactly told Yuri the truth either, she thought as she pulled open the door to the library. But she had made a deal with herself: if now Jessica had changed her mind, she would keep closed as well. It didn't feel right, but she reasoned that the whole purpose was to keep Yuri safe and unharmed, and if Jessica decided to stay with her, then Yoona wasn't going to ruin it by saying anything. Unethical, maybe, she thought, and laughed a little when she thought of what Seohyun might say if she heard her thoughts.

And speaking of Seohyun, the library felt very different without her. Yoona stayed by the entrance, looking in at the few people sitting at the few tables there, apparently deeply immersed in school work or books. The light that normally seemed so welcoming and Hogwartsy felt too bright, to the point where it stung her eyes.

Yoona shivered, turning around and making her way back out. She was just about to push the door open then it was pulled open from the outside, and someone stumbled straight into her.

She knew instantly, more from the scent and the soft hair against her skin than anything else, that it was Seohyun.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, hurrying to step back to allow Seohyun to walk through the door. "I'm sorry."

"No, it was my fault," the younger girl replied, her voice hurried but silent, quivering slightly. "Were you leaving?"

Yoona dared to look up at meet her eyes, and she looked almost terrified the way she was standing back and holding the door open, as if she was afraid that Yoona might lose her patience and yell at her. "I don't know yet," Yoona replied with a sinking, calming feeling in the pit of her stomach. She hadn't exchanged a word with the other girl since the day at Tiffany's house, and she didn't know if seeing her felt better or worse. A silent moment passed as they looked at each other nervously. Yoona scraped her foot against the carpet. "Got homework?" she asked then, nodding a little towards the books in Seohyun's hand.

The younger girl followed her gaze as if she had forgotten what she was holding. "Yeah," she said then, coughing, "history again." She smiled stiffly, and Yoona couldn't help but remember the way those lips moved against hers. She shook her head.

"Didn't you pass the last one? Was I a bad help?" She asked, feeling number and number with every word they said.

"No, this is for the next one," Seohyun said, still with her arm outstretched to hold the door open.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Yoona stared out into the corridor. "Well, I should—"

"Do you have any work to do?" Seohyun interrupted. Yoona couldn't meet her gaze. "I mean, we could..."

Yoona wanted to say yes, but at the same time she wanted to run the other way, screaming bloody murder. This awkwardness that hung between them seemed too much for her mind to deal with, added to everything else that seemed to be ing up in her life, but it still wasn't enough to make her want to stay away from Seohyun.

But then she remembered that she didn't have the time to stay, no matter what she wanted to do. "I should go," she mumbled, still not able to meet the other girl's gaze. "I'm... I'm going to the funeral in a couple of hours so, I should go."

Even though Yoona wasn't looking, she could tell Seohyun stiffened even further. "Yeah," she said. "You should."

So Yoona slipped past her out the door, looking away, head down, feeling her heart shatter again, and how many times was that now? Would it matter how many times she tried; would Seohyun ever forget her past? Would Yoona herself?

And just how much more of this could she take?
 

Recipient: Sica <3
Sender: Sunny
You said you were going to do it... why didn't you?


 

Her mother picked her up shortly afterwards, and they went back to their home for a quick change of clothes before heading off again to the church. The car ride was spent mostly in silence, with Yoona staring out the window without really seeing what was moving on the outside.

"I'm not going to ask how you are feeling," her mother said eventually. "But if there's something you want to get off your chest, I'm listening."

Yoona nodded slowly. There were a lot of things she wanted to get off her chest, neither of which would help the situation. She hadn't told her mother how much she blamed herself, simply because she didn't want to say the words out loud, didn't want to make them real. Neither had she mentioned Seohyun's withdrawal from her, or Sunny's words from the night before.

Maybe she wanted to. She wasn't completely sure about that. But people seemed to turn out to be completely different than Yoona had thought all the time by then, and to tell the truth, it terrified her.

"I don't know what to say," she replied simply.

"What are you the most afraid of right now?" Her mother pried on, throwing her daughter short glances from the side.

Yoona tried to swallow the lump that thickened in . "Seeing the state of his mother."

As her mother made the last turn and stopped on the gravel of the parking lot, Yoona realized that believing in the absolute certainty of something was unbelievably naive. Thinking that things can't get worse, and thinking that things can't get better. It all shows that you haven't lived enough to lose trust in things.

Things could always get worse. And that's what terrified her the most.

She had been to the church plenty of times during her childhood. Her family wasn't a particularly religious one, but she had still attended her fair amount of graduations, weddings and baptisms.

This though, strangely, marked her first funeral.

The entire atmosphere in the church was different from what she was used to. Churches were to her all big, hollow and somehow sacred, together with that unmistakable feeling of being part of something, even if it wasn't something Yoona herself believed in. With the echoing of every single little word and all the light that flowed in through the beautifully painted windows, it was impossible to not feel calmed. Safe.

But again, that day was different. She felt it from the moment she put her foot on the stone steps outside; the happiness she usually felt was completely drained from this place. Nobody inside was waiting for any kind of joyous occasion, they were all filled with dread and the horrible awareness that they needed to pull themselves together and say goodbye to someone who left the world too soon.

And even as Yoona sat on one of the benches inside, she didn't recognize any of the faces she saw; they were all part of Sungmin's extended family, she assumed, but paranoia buzzed in her brain and she could feel them all staring at her, knowing what exactly had happened the night that Sungmin died, how he left one possible chance of being rescued open, and Yoona had closed that door.

Her mother wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Yoona leaned into her warmth for a moment before pulling away.

During the service, among the snifflings, choked sobs and the sound of the priest's voice going on and on about the fragility of life, Yoona could hear a very familiar voice crying. She knew it was Sungmin's mother, Mrs. Lee, and she forced down the feelings of guilt that burned and tugged at her stomach, and didn't look over to where the sounds were coming from.

She kept her gaze fixed at the front, at the flowers, the candles, the closed, white casket, and the picture of Sungmin that stood upon it. And it all felt insufficient, almost like a joke: was this really the way they were going to send Sungmin off?

She couldn't look Mrs. Lee in the eye. If she was lucky, they could leave without even having to speak to each other. But Yoona suspected her mother wasn't going to allow that.

Recipient: Sica <3
Sender: Sunny
Look, I can understand being scared.. but if you weren't really going to do it, why did you say you were?
 

Sungmin's casket was carried out by male members of his family. Yoona watched long enough to notice that his father wasn't there, but then she looked away, unable to process the truth in what was happening, and she stood up together with everyone else, and then they all poured out into the aisle. She followed with her mind in a haze, unable to look at anyone, unable to say a word, and then, as they neared the big church doors, it finally dawned on her: Sungmin was about to be lowered into the ground, and Yoona couldn't be around for that.

So when they stepped out on the gravel outside the church, she pulled on her mother's sleeve with the urgency of a little child, terrified of the monster under the bed. "I can't do this," she bit out, feeling the tears clog up as her mother eyed her with pity.

"Do you want to leave?" she offered, and Yoona felt immense gratefulness somewhere far below the chaos inside her.

"I'm going to go for a walk," Yoona choked out. "I'll see you later."

She turned around and started walking down the road, towards nowhere in particular. "Do you want me to come with you?" her mother said, but Yoona shook her head without turning back.

"I'll see you later," she repeated, knowing that she was being horrible for just leaving, for not being able to take it, but if that wasn't allowed right now, then she'd just have to settle for being horrible.

She hurried off, trying to focus on nothing but the crunch of the gravel beneath her feet. "Call me when you're ready to go home," her mother called, and still, Yoona didn't look back. She'd have to be thankful some other day. And she definitely wouldn't forget.

Recipient: Sica <3
Sender: Sunny
Are you going to leave me instead?

The wind picked up as she walked without seeing. The wind rattled with the trees on the side of the road, and the sound gave her a tranquil feeling; it was still hard to breathe, but she felt like she had only narrowly just escaped her death.

And then she heard someone behind her calling her name.

"Yoona!" the voice called, straining to the breaking point, and Yoona didn't want to look behind her, because she already knew who that voice belonged to, and the fear came back at a crashing speed, but she knew she owed the owner of it her entire life, so she stopped, and turned around slowly.

Mrs. Lee was hurrying towards her, walking with steps that looked painful and strained. Yoona watched her, her hair playing in the wind, and Mrs. Lee raised a hand to wave at her. Yoona waved back hesitantly, watching her come closer, terrified of what was coming, because how much did Mrs. Lee know about what happened on that last night? Had Sungmin left a suicide note that she didn't know about? Had Mrs. Lee gone through Sungmin's cellphone and seen the texts he had sent and the number he'd dialed during those last few hours alive?

She braced herself, remained where she was standing, aware that whatever was coming, she probably deserved it, and then Mrs. Lee was there, pulling her into a big, warm embrace, and before she even knew it, her tears started falling.

"Where are you going?" Mrs. Lee sobbed into her shoulder, her hands clutching Yoona's back, nails digging into her shirt. There were tears in her voice as well. Yoona held her breath.

"I couldn't," Yoona replied, as well as she could. "I just couldn't..."

And Mrs. Lee pulled back, her hands now on Yoona's shoulders, meeting her gaze with tear filled eyes. "Oh, sweet girl," she mumbled. "I'm so sorry."

Yoona couldn't understand or process the words. What was she sorry for? Before she had a chance to voice her thoughts, Mrs. Lee pulled her in for another bone-cracking hug, and Yoona felt the smell of smoke invade her nostrils. "Shouldn't you be up there, though?" she asked instead. "I mean, aren't they..." she tried and failed to finish the sentence.

Mrs. Lee pulled back again. "How can I watch when they lower my only son into the ground?"

Yoona sunk down then, feeling her legs give way beneath her, and sat down on the side of the road. "I don't know," she said, emptiness washing over her. "I'm so sorry."

Mrs. Lee sat down next to her, her movements slow, her face pained, and placed Yoona's hair behind her ear. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Absolutely nothing. Please, don't cry any more."

"But I do," Yoona said, suddenly unable to look back at the woman beside her. "It's... this is all..." She choked, stuttered, feeling like she had no control over what she was doing or saying, because why would she want to point out her own mistakes to someone who apparently did not see them yet?

The answer came instantly, though - it was because she felt Mrs. Lee deserved to know. "What?" The older woman said carefully, encouraging her to finish her train of thought.

The tears poured heavier. "Did he..." Yoona tried again, staring down into the ground. "Did he leave a note? Did he say... anything? Before..."

Mrs. Lee shook her head. "No, honey. He didn't say anything."

Yoona raised her hands to cover her face and muffle the sound of her crying. Mrs. Lee didn't know what had happened to her son, and Yoona felt the words clawing their way out, needing to be said, needing to be heard, and she had never wished so badly to just to be someone else. "It's my fault," she cried. "Sungmin, he... he called me so many times that night. And sent me so many text messages." She paused as Mrs. Lee withdrew her hand from her shoulder, feeling cold instantly, but pushing through. "He said he needed me, he said he needed help, but I was too selfish, I didn't want to be there for him right then. I was going to," she hurried, as the fear rose again, "I was going to try to get him some help the next day, but right then, I didn't care enough to help him. And I had just answered those texts or those calls, this wouldn't have happened."

Mrs. Lee turned her body towards the road, away from Yoona. Yoona inched closer to her, because all her fears were coming true and she had to fight her instinct to run, because Mrs. Lee needed to forgive her, even if it wasn't possible, or Yoona would never forgive herself. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she said, body shaking and breath quivering. "I want to take it back, if I could go back I would—"

"There's no use," Mrs. Lee interrupted, her expression stiff and bitter, "in thinking like that." Yoona fell silent at once, not daring to expect the woman to continue. Mrs. Lee had stopped crying, though her eyes were red and Yoona noticed suddenly how much older she looked from the last time she had seen her; the last stripes of black seemed to have vanished and been replaced by silver, the wrinkles on her face seemed to have doubled and gone deeper; her entire being seemed to hurt.

"But I—"

"Sungmin used to talk to me," she began in a shaky breath, "about the people at school and what they did to him." She paused as a car swung around the corner ahead and sped past them. Yoona started breathing again as it drove off past the church and into the distance. "He used to tell me about that at his old school, before we moved back. Since you two met again, he stopped telling me about it – actually, he stopped talking to me at all." She gave Yoona a sharp look. "I still saw the bruises, the burns, that dark look in his eyes that was so hard to pierce through, but I didn't say anything. I knew he was being abused, but I didn't ask him. I didn't confront him. I didn't do... anything."

Yoona hesitated for a moment. "But if he didn't talk to you, how could you help him?"

Mrs. Lee smiled bitterly. "That's what I try to keep telling myself. To feel better. I tell myself, he'd only gone to the school for a couple of months, how could I have known it would get this bad so quickly? And it eases my heart for a fraction of a second." She turned to Yoona and gave her that same twisted, resentful version of a smile. "But I did know. I knew all along. He's my son, for God's sake – of course I know when something is wrong. But I thought... I thought if he could just endure it for a while, for just a little while, those bullies would lose interest, find something else to destroy, or maybe even grow up." She laughed, but only to disguise tears. "A good idea, I thought. Except, I wasn't the one who had to do the enduring."

"You still couldn't have known," Yoona dared. "You didn't know just how bad it was."

"The truth is, I didn't want to move again. I didn't want to have to rearrange our lives one more time. I just wanted life to be easy... for me. I was being selfish, and now I've lost my son."

A raindrop landed on Yoona's forehead, and she looked down again. "I'm so sorry," she said, as loudly as she could muster.

Mrs. Lee turned towards Yoona, finally looking her in the eye. Yoona did her best to look back. "Sungmin liked you a lot. He always did. I don't know for sure that what he felt towards you was something more than friendship, but from the look in his eyes whenever you were around, I'd say so. You were the symbol of happiness for him, the only light that shone through in his life. He made a mistake by thinking you alone could save him. And so did you."

"I could have—"

"The point is," Mrs. Lee interrupted again, "that we could all have done something more. We can, for the people that are still here with us. It's over for Sungmin... for my son," she said, with such certainty and acceptance that it sent a shiver down Yoona's spine, "because someone destroyed him. So if you're waiting for me to do the same to you, for me to say that I blame you, you can stop. Silly girl." She cupped Yoona's cheek with her hand, her thumb wiping away the remains of tears there. "You made a mistake. As did Sungmin. As did I. And as did the boys at your school."

Yoona couldn't help it. The relief that washed over her was too powerful to remain where she was, and she leaned into Mrs. Lee, hugging her older woman tightly and allowing herself to believe in the words she was saying.

"How can you be so strong?" Yoona asked when they pulled back. "How can you not want someone to pay for what happened?"

Mrs. Lee laughed. "I don't think it's strength, my dear. It's powerlessness. It's the knowledge that no matter what I do, I can't change the past. Only the present, and, to a certain extent, the future."

Yoona forced a smile as the rain started falling again around and on them. She thought of the first day she and Sungmin ever met. Of Yuri, of Jessica, of Sunny. And when she thought of Seohyun, it was without pain. Because, she thought, she was falling in love with Seohyun. She had experienced what it was like to adore the younger girl while being allowed to hold her, kiss her, be close to her, and now she wasn't, anymore.

But somehow it seemed to her now that that wasn't really the point. That loving wasn't about keeping Seohyun close to her, it wasn't about feeling Seohyun's love for her - it was about adoring her, and doing what was best for her. Because Seohyun did not have any obligations towards her just because Yoona had feelings for her.

And like that, anger that she barely even knew she was carrying, started melting away.

"I'm sick," Mrs. Lee said then, breaking her out of her thoughts. "I don't know how, yet, but I can feel it all through my body. Maybe this is my punishment for not saving my son in time, or maybe it's just the pain of having sent him off too soon. I don't know. All I know is that it's important that we take care of each other while we can from now on."

Not sure she was following everything Mrs. Lee was saying, Yoona shook her head, trying to break out of the dizzy state of feeling so many things at once. "If there's anything I can do for you," she said, "please, don't ever hesitate to call me." Mrs. Lee smiled in reply, but Yoona could tell she didn't take her words seriously. "I realize I can't do much, but even if it's just company for a day, please..." She drew a quivering breath, her body exhausted from the crying she'd been doing during the day. "I want to help make it easier for you in any little way I can."

Mrs. Lee stood up, still with that pained expression and slow movements, and brushed off her knees. "Sweet girl," she said. "Life will get better for me, but it will always be a little bit worse. And it will always be a lot emptier. Sungmin was my purpose in life, but there's no need to worry about this old lady." She smiled, but Yoona gave her a glare as she, too, got up from the ground. "All I want," Mrs. Lee said then, suddenly serious, "is that you walk out of this as okay as you can be."

“I’ll be fine,” Yoona said, this time not feeling guilty for lying. “I’m not the one who needs to be worried for.”

Mrs. Lee smiled again. “I’ll hold you to that. Please smile for us soon.” She pulled Yoona into her embrace again, and Yoona as stood there with Mrs. Lee’s arms encircling her, she realized that beneath all those things that she refused to feel, there was relief. Relief that she didn’t want to accept, because she still didn’t think she deserved it.

But it was there, and the idea of potential forgiveness grew in her mind, even as she tried to stop it. She cried again, for everything she had and hadn’t done, for everything she wished she could be, and wished she wasn’t.

And then they walked back towards the church together, neither of them speaking, each step feeling lighter than the one before.

Recipient: Sica
Sender: Sunny
Why won't you answer me?

A/N: Okay, another short one. The coming ones will be longer, I promise~ and we'll also get back a bit more to the other couples, I know there's a lot of Taeny related impatience among the readers right now and I promise to remedy it soon. 8) also, i've been meaning to say this for the past few chapters but I keep forgetting: at this point, our eight girls' timeline untangles from Hyoyeon's timeline, meaning the events don't take place during the same time anymore. ^^
until next week~