IN LOVE

 

 

 

How will you know if someone is in love with you?

Or rather….

Let me say it this way…

How can I know if she’s in love with me?

How can I know if she has feelings for me?

How can I know if we can be more than what we are right now?

Seriously, I’m dying to know the answers…

Just one answer could help me…

One answer could change everything…

Just one…

 

 

*****

 

 

I am her neighbor…

But that was before,

We’re sharing a dorm now…

 

 

I am her childhood friend…

Her bestfriend…

Her sister…

But I can become more than that.

I could be her comfort…

Her shield…

Her haven…

Her shoulder…

But I guess I can’t just become like that to her…

Because I want to be her lover…

Her lover…

But another person beat me to it.

Someone already became her lover before I can even ask…

Before I can even take a step…

That person is not a she…

Therefore, he’s perfect for her…

 

 

********

 

I was reading my favorite novel in my bed when Tiffany decided to sit up on her own across from mine.

I ignored her intense stare and pretended to be engrossed on what I was reading. I wasn’t though. I was distracted the moment I notice her move.

“Jessi…” She called in a small hesitant voice.

“Hm?”

“I accepted him…”

My breathing stopped and all I could do was to listen to her words.

“I decided that it was time for us to date.”

Those are her words I won’t forget in my entire life.

 

 

*****

 

Date.

Everyday, the two of them would go out for a date.

And every time I hear the door close, lone sobs would come out and I wouldn’t even mind stopping them.

And I couldn’t help but howl a chuckle whenever mourning tears would come out next.

 

“Jessica…?”

Tiffany would call me hesitantly and I somehow hate it.

She shouldn’t hesitate. She must not.

“Max…and I…” Tiffany started biting her lower lip. “We have dinner date tonight…”

And the jitters I always feel before when it was only the two of us became trembles which are so unwelcomed.

“I won’t wait for you…” I said and those are the same words I utter everyday they go out and I wonder if Tiffany was even getting tired of them.

Tiffany hung her head low as I continued.

“I’ll lock the door the moment it was closed tonight.”

Those are my new words though.

“Don’t lock it.” Tiffany stared at me with the same intense that one night.

“Just use your spare key…”

“I won’t bring my spare key…”

“Tiffany…”

She shook her head. “Don’t lock it. I feel like you’ll break something between us the moment you decided to lock it.”

There’s nothing between us

I grimaced in front of her. “Anything you say.”

I dismissed her with only that.

 

 

And after a couple of hours, Max brought Tiffany back. She’s drunk and it’s my first time seeing her in such a state considering her high tolerance.

“What happened?” I asked worriedly as I quickly grabbed her body out of the man’s arms.

Max frowned at my action but nonetheless responded. “I tried stopping her from drinking too much but she refused. I don’t really know what’s wrong with her tonight.”

I laid Tiffany on the couch.

“What do you mean?”

“She’s so pissed even before we reached our destination. I don’t know what went wrong.”

I sighed as I nodded my head. “I understand. Thank you for accompanying her back.”

Max nodded as I gestured him to go.

“I’ll take care of her from this moment on.”

 

This was the first time I felt myself relieved.

Why?

Because for the first time since they dated, they didn’t share a kiss before they parted.

 

 

*****

 

 

I stopped talking and humming her to sleep the moment she started dating…

I stopped watching her sleep the moment she started dating…

But I guess watching her wake up is what hurts the most…

For I know she’s thinking and looking for someone else the moment she’ll open her eyes…

And I know I couldn’t be that someone.

 

****

 

I watch her bats her eyelashes and open her eyes slowly from where I was sitting.

She’s adorable and I love the sight.

“How are you feeling?” I asked the moment she noticed me.

Tiffany held her temple and massaged it. “Headache’s bothering me I guess.”

I nodded. “Serves you right for drinking too much.”

I stood and walked to the door of our bedroom.

“I left some pain killers on your night stand. Drink them and you’ll be alright—“

“Stay.”

I closed my eyes. “What do you mean?”

We always have this conversation almost every morning.

“Stay with me.”

I let a bitter smile graze my lips. “I can’t.”

“Please…”

I opened my eyes and for the first time since that night, I turned around and sat on the edge of my bed across from hers.

I gave her a small smile. “Happy now?”

“Thanks…” She gave me that smile I fell in love with.

And I don’t know how long we stared at each other but what I do know is that I felt helpless as second’s ticked.

“Let us talk?” She finally suggested without breaking the stare.

“What… would you want to talk about?”

“Anything…”

My lips tugged downwards. “I’m sorry but that can’t work this time…”

“We always do that before…”

“Exactly. Because that was before…”

My gaze fell on the floor. “Things aren’t the same as before…”

“Could…could we…”

I waited but she didn’t continue and so I looked up.

And I saw that look she always gives me.

The look she gave me when we first met.

The look she always gives me everyday up until now.

And it hurts me knowing that it was the same look I give her.

The look you give to the person you know you’ll be happy with.

The look you give to the person you love.

And she knows it.

 

 

“Tiffany…” I called in protest when she stood and approached me.

She then wrapped her arms around my neck upon reaching me.

“We can still go back to what we are before…”

I shut my eyes upon hearing those words. “No..”

“Please…I really miss you.”

I let out the breath I was holding. “No, I don’t want to.”

“Jessi..”

Tears started to form on the rims of my eyes. I shook my head.

“Please, let us just have a normal life. Let me have a normal life.”

And those are my words I will never forget in my entire life.

 

*******

 

She wanted us to be the best of friends we are before but I won’t let it happen.

I won’t let myself be hurt everyday because of that.

But I guess myself is hurting even if that wouldn’t happen.

My life will not be as normal as before.

My heart won’t be as well.

And so it’s better this way.

It’s better for her to know the truth and everything.

What difference would it make anyway?

 

 

*****

 

It’s better to let go.

And so to save my heart from more pains, I decided to move out.

 

“You’re leaving?” Tiffany asked in panicked the moment she saw me packing my things.

I was halfway done.

“Yeah.”

“You can’t leave me.” Her voice became desperate.

“I can.”

And I was broken the moment I heard her breathless sob. I quickly looked up only to see her teary eyes.

“You can’t leave me like this..” He voice wavered and sounded so weak. “You can’t.”

I looked away and continued packing.

“I said you can’t leave me like this!” Tiffany snapped as she grabbed my hands. Stopping them form packing more things.

I looked at her and mirrored her weak appearance. “Can’t leave you like what?!”

I waited for her to answer but she didn’t and so I shook my head. I tried pulling my hands back but her grip tightened whenever I tried doing so.

“Gosh, Tiff. You always hold me up! Please just let me be!”

“Can’t you at least fight!??”

That made me look at her in shock.

Her lips trembled as she continued. “You always leave! Why don’t you fight?! Can’t you see the damage you’re inflicting to the two of us because you always leave things?!”

Our eyes locked and I saw that look of longing once again.

“Push yourself out of that cage and fight, damn it!!” Tiffany then let go my hands and pushed my shoulders hardly. “You want a normal life but you’re not doing anything about it!”

My gaze then fell on the floor as tears escaped. “I-I…”

I felt her hand barely touched mine, then.

An intimate gesture.

And I looked up almost immediately when she retracted her hand.

“I…I don’t know what is your own meaning of having a normal life…” Tiffany started and gave me a weak smile. “But please try to fight for it…Fight for it and have it…”

My right hand trembled as I raised it and caressed Tiffany’s cheek.

“S-should I-I?”

Tiffany then closed her eyes the moment I pulled her closer with my other hand.

“B-because my own definition of a normal life is a b-bit different…”

I let out a breath when Tiffany suddenly leaned in and made our noses touch.

And as if on instinct, I let our lips barely graze each other.

It greatly surprised me. It was overwhelming and it made me think illogically. It made me drunk in just a millisecond.

The feeling of her lips barely brushing against mine is intoxicating. No. That was still an understatement.

“This…” I started whispering as I slowly closed my eyes. “This is my definition of a normal life…”

And just the moment I felt Tiffany lean in more for a real kiss, was the moment when our doorbell rang and the voice of the reality came crushing the normal life I needed.

“Tiffany baby? Are you inside?!”

I let out a breathless, bitter laugh as I quickly stepped backwards.

“Jessi…” Tiffany silently called as she reached for my hand and grasped it. “Please don’t…”

I let out a weak, helpless smile.

“Tiffany…It’s time for me to go…”

 

 

*****

 

And I hope I’ll find that normal life I yearn.

But is that even possible if my own definition of a normal life is here?

Here, inside the heart of the person I fell in love with.

With Tiffany

 

 

 

“Tiffany,

I’m in love with you.”

 

 

And I finally confessed before I can even step out of the front door.

She heard me and before she can even utter a single word, I closed the front door and left.

 

 

 

 

END