❣ 4 ❣

» (early) author's notes: I normally don't have a note in the beginning, but this is sort of a disclaimer/warning: If you get easily offended when it comes to topics such as depression or cutting, or if you're very sensitive and are experiencing the things listed, I would suggest skipping over this chapter.   

July 23^rd, 2018

            “I’ll never call you Joon again.”

            Joonmyun turned to face her, surprised at her sudden statement. They had been sitting outside staring at the dark sky, pointing out the few stars, the rest being outshined by city lights. “Why?”

            “Because it sounds like your bully’s name,” she muttered, plopping down beside him on the small grass field behind the coffee shop.

            Joon had been the nickname Mikyung made for Joonmyun quite a number of years ago. She found it cute, and as all young girls do, no matter how mature they may seem or what situation they are in, they will cling to whatever is deemed adorable in their own standards.

            Of course, now, it had dropped accordingly from her preferences, and a look of disinterest was clear on her face.

            It was a surprisingly hot, summer night. Mikyung was turning twelve that day, and only requested to spend the day with Joonmyun, though they had basically done that every day of that summer. As mundane as her request seemed, her parents agreed, knowing that she was happiest with such a simple celebration. And when she smiled, they could only smile brighter.

            “But you think calling me by my full name is too long. That’s why you decided on calling me Joon.”

            “That was before you mentioned your bully’s name. I’ll just think of a new name for you. By the end of the day, you’ll never be known as Joon to me again.”

            “It’s almost the end of the day.” Joonmyun rolled his eyes and gestured to the cake. “My mom made it. Do you want some?”

            Mikyung smiled. “Sure.” She watched curiously as he unveiled her twelfth birthday cake, and her smile only brightened when it was revealed. But a question slipped her lips before she could stop. “Why is there an angel?”

            Joonmyun blushed. “I-I asked my mom to put it there.”

            She cocked her head to the side, much like a puppy would, and her eyes widened in curiosity, following her “imitation” perfectly. “Why?”

            He glanced away from her and stuttered out, “B-Because it’s supposed to b-be a guardian a-angel for you.” It’s supposed to be a guardian angel representing you.

            After a second or two, Mikyung clapped her hands together once and exclaimed. “I know what to call you now.”

            “W-What?” He nearly cursed at his own stutter. Joonmyun cleared his throat. “Already?”

            “Suho.”

            “Suho?” Guardian angel? But she should be the one with that na—

            “Because you’re like a guardian angel to me,” she said, smiling.

            “How?”

            “You’re always there to support me.”

            He cringed. “I can’t stop the bullies though.”

            She shook her head. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, you’re there for me after the bullies.”

            “How does that protect you?”

            “You protect… my heart!”

            “What?”

            Mikyung smiled at him before turning up to look at the few stars in the sky. “After I… see those girls, my heart and mind tell me to give up.” She looked back down to the cake, swiping a bit of frosting and it off her finger. The sad smile on her face brightened slightly. “But then you tell me it’s okay, and my heart hears you. And it tells my mind…” Mikyung laughed quietly. “To shut up and let me keep going.”

            And Joonmyun, being older (though by only a year) had figured out what she was feeling the second after she stopped speaking. She… wasn’t how a twelve-year-old should be— no, that was phrased wrong. She felt emotions that a twelve-year-old shouldn’t have to feel. He knew that his best friend over the years, the one who always smiled around him and appeared fine, was now sinking into a gradual depression, a depression that nobody their age should experience.

            So as the smiling Mikyung sat beside him, he knew what she said must’ve been true, for she hadn’t even known how to express it but through personifying her mind and heart. And that proved that she didn’t know the name for that “emotion”. Despite her maturity, she was still just a twelve-year-old, naïve to many things in the world.

            He knew now that he had to lift the depression off of her, or help keep it as minimized as he could.

            “So, Suho, why not some of that cake now?” And as any normal twelve-year-old would, she immediately cut herself a slice and dug in.

            He smiled and cut himself a piece, though couldn’t pull his gaze away from her. Yes, he’d have to help her keep her smile. He would be her “Suho” from now on.

August 14^th, 2018

            “School starts again tomorrow.”

            “It’s your last year at the middle school.”

            “Yeah.”

            There was an underlying sadness to their words. After this year, there would be a year where Joonmyun wouldn’t be able to see Mikyung during school hours, and quite obviously, vice versa.

            She stood up and stretched her arms, a bit long for someone her size. “Enjoy it then. I heard that high school was awful.”

            Joonmyun sighed and pulled on a smile. “Sure.”

            They both knew that there was still a year of bullying left for Joonmyun, and two for Mikyung. And they hoped, they prayed, that their parents would be able to send them to a better high school, to a high school with different students, different teachers. They knew it might be hopeless, but still they wished, and occasionally asked their parents about it.

            Their parents, though jumping at the chance to help their children, knew that their money was tight, and moving was near impossible. But scholarships to a private school… weren’t so impossible. So they brought the idea up to their children. It was only seconds before the two jumped to their books.

            “But not too much,” she said, a cheeky smile on her face. “Get good grades, and make it into that high school.”

            “And you?”

            “I’m still just twelve.” She sat down in a chair, swinging her legs carelessly, pulling the shoulder of her long sleeve back up, despite the sweat dripping down her forehead and neck. “I have a year before I have to buckle down.”

            “You still get good enough grades. You won’t have to worry much about ‘buckling down’.”

            Mikyung sighed. “Maybe.” She started fanning herself with her hand, looking out the window. “It’s too hot.”

            “You’re wearing a long sleeve when you usually don’t.”

            “How do you do it then?”

            “I got used to it… Why did you start?”

            She tensed and smiled a bit nervously. “I wanted to. Maybe it was just to copy you.” Mikyung stuck out her tongue playfully.

            He knew, deep inside, that it wasn’t the truth. And he knew that he should ask her about it. But he didn’t, and proceeded to ask whether she had gotten all of her school supplies.

October 15^th, 2018

            Was it this day that Joonmyun realized that he finally had his first crush? No, it wasn’t. He never quite realized it. He felt it, but never knew what it was. It was kind of like how Mikyung didn’t quite know what to name her emotions that Joonmyun now determined to be depression.

            But it was this day that he felt it so strongly.

            Scraped up and bruised, it wasn’t one of his worst days. So he waited it out patiently, locked in the boys’ bathroom until lunch was over. He didn’t want it to become one of his worst days, and therefore stayed to protect himself. He was selfish that day.

            He didn’t know that it was one of Mikyung’s worst days, for the past few had gone so well, with barely a tease thrown in her direction, according to her own words. He figured one lunch of hiding from his torturers would be okay. He had done it before, and when he had, Mikyung did the same to avoid conflict. And vice versa.

            So, when Mikyung pulled a broken ruler out of her backpack, locked herself in the girls’ bathroom, and dragged it across her skin in the same place multiple times, Joonmyun was just on the other side of the wall, unaware.

            He wasn’t there to stop the blood from welling up from the crude cut. He wasn’t her guardian angel that day.

            When classes ended, and he invited her to the coffee shop, she agreed, and when she smiled, he immediately saw the falsity in her expression.

            It was only when she slipped on water spilled, and he grabbed her arm to support her did he find out what she did.

            She yelped in pain, the cut on her arm still tender.

            Her scream confirmed his suspicions.

            Joonmyun helped her back onto her feet and immediately yanked up her sleeve, revealing small scars, and a bandage stuck carefully right after those said scars, hiding the new wound.

            And as she gazed at him with fear in her eyes, afraid that he would tell her mother, afraid he would hate her, afraid of every horrid possibility, he pulled down her sleeve and quickly embraced her.

            He crushed her against himself, and though he didn’t know it, he did so to try and stifle the pain he felt. He tried to dull the strange pain he felt as she sobbed into his shirt. For he ached, knowing he failed her. He knew he had failed as her guardian angel. He promised himself never again would he fail.

            And that ache proved of his feelings towards her, whether he realized them… or not.

author's notes: Okay... so I realize that my updates might be (are really) crappy, and I swear I'm trying to write better o_o I have no excuses. Also, for those of you who might think, "This is too unrealistic! Who starts cutting at such a young age?" well, I'll have you know that I did, so let's just not think that DespisedSecret is trying to feed you guys unrealistic stories o__o (yes, I just referred to myself in third person >:3 problem? Good, I thought not. :D) Next week I'll be starting school... so idk how often I'll be able to update (hopefully once a week, but unfortunately, I can't guarantee that). Anyways, thanks so much for reading this chapter! I'd love for some comments, and feel free to subscribe or upvote if you'd like ^.^! Love you guys~ Sorry for acting like a little whiny lately :/

~DespisedSecret

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