❣ 11 ❣

December 25^th, 2024

            She can’t remember the last Christmas she’d spent without Joonmyun. She can’t remember what it was like to get up in the morning without Joonmyun calling her, or throwing pebbles at her window to wake her up. She can’t remember what it was like to not go out for hot chocolate with him, and get a slice of red velvet cake to eat for brunch.

            So when Mikyung woke up on Christmas morning, with her cell phone silent and nothing hitting her window, she felt completely empty.

            It had been months since the time she said her final good bye to him. When he moved into his college dorm, he had called her immediately. She didn’t answer, and he left a text, saying how his room was so big, his roommate was awesome, but that he couldn’t wait to see her after he was all settled in.

            She ignored his texts, and for the first few times, nearly cried as she pulled herself away from Joonmyun.

            When he realized that something was wrong, he drove all the way from his college to her house. Mr. Jung had opened the door to greet him, and reluctantly said that Mikyung didn’t want to see Joonmyun.

            He asked why. Mr. Jung wouldn’t answer and closed the door slowly.

            Joonmyun could feel a rift grow between the two, and wondered if it was his fault, if he had done something to upset her. But no matter how many times he texted or called, she wouldn’t answer. She refused to.

            Eventually, he gave up with a heavy heart, and tears threatened to fall from his eyes. His roommate walked in on him and asked what was wrong. Joonmyun wiped his tears away and quickly shook his head.

            Mikyung could feel a hole begin to grow in her heart, and each day, the sun seemed dimmer to her, the air felt more stifling, and life seemed so much harder than it was with Joonmyun by her side.

            But she refused to run back to him, refused to ruin his chance at a peaceful life.

            So on Christmas morning, with a light snow dusting the ground, and a sleepy sun snaking its way into her room, the hole in her heart expanded, and tears fell from dark, soulless eyes.

May 22^nd, 2025

            Digging an old box from her closet, she didn’t know why she was torturing herself like this as she opened it up. It revealed every little note, trinket, or memoir Joonmyun had given her that was small enough to fit in the box.

            It was his birthday, and she couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing. Even the night before, she’d baked a cake without fully know why she felt so compelled to until she realized the date.

            Mikyung’s fingers trembled as she picked up a sheet of folded up paper, opening it up. There was a crudely drawn portrait of her in purple crayon, and dated on the bottom back to when she was in third grade, and he was in fourth.

            She pulled out a photo, one from Joonmyun’s first day of high school. It was taken outside of her house, and while she was still in her middle school uniform, Joonmyun was wearing his new, high school uniform.

            Her slim fingers pulled out another folded piece of paper, and when it was laid out open, she could feel her heart being wrenched apart. Scrambling up from her bed, Mikyung pulled her guitar out of the corner of her room, taking it out of her case and setting it onto her lap.

            Wiping the tears about to drop from her cheeks, she set the paper in front of herself. A stray tear fell, landing on the lined paper before she slowly strummed her guitar. And for the first time in years, she let her voice sing softly the lyrics to the only song Joonmyun ever finished writing with her.

            “Don’t hesitate another minute.

            Please take away my heart.

            Yes, the sharper the better,

            The night that even the moon has closed her eyes.

            If it were any other man,

            If it were a single verse taken from a comedy,

            Burn all the scars you’ve exchanged for that love.

            Baby don’t cry, tonight,

            After the darkness passes.

            Baby don’t cry, tonight,

            It’ll become as if it never happened.

            You’re not the one to disappear into foam.

            Something you never should’ve known.

            So, baby don’t cry,

            My love will protect you.

            Exchanging only our separate fates

            That lead to one another.

            As inevitable as it seemed that we’d miss,

            I know we loved just as much.

            When you smile, sun shines…”

            She broke off. Her voice was hoarse, and tears flowed from her eyes. This song was written for him to sing to her. It was written so that she would never have to cry, and that he would always be there for her. That’s what he had said. But she pushed him so far away from herself that it was too late to bring him back, to go back to him. It was her fault that she was hurting so much, that her tears were constantly suppressed behind her lightless eyes.

            Mikyung couldn’t finish singing the song as she fell back onto her bed, hair covering her face. She sobbed into her sheets, depressed cries escaping her vocal chords.

            Her father stood outside her room, hearing her cries, and knowing he couldn’t help her. But each cry she let out only caused for his own heart to tear and break. He knew that she would never feel truly happy without her best friend, and he already knew that she loved Joonmyun. But he couldn’t force her to see Joonmyun again. All he could do was walk into her room and cradle his daughter in his arms, hoping that her tears would stop, that the pain would stop.

            But he knew that Mikyung would never stop feeling pain for as long as Joonmyun wasn’t beside her.

June 7^th, 2025

            Was it three years ago when they made the promise? Almost.

            As she stood there on the stage, having received her diploma, Mikyung clenches her teeth to hold in the tears, remembering how he had promised she’d never be alone… and that she returned the promise.

            “Congratulations, class of 2025!”

            Everyone tossed up their hats. But Mikyung took hers off and stared at it. As tradition, your friends were supposed to decorate the top. She remembered Joonmyun promising to decorate hers, even though he would be in college. She remembered how he would promise to be there at her graduation. But she didn’t bother to search; she was sure he wasn’t there. And she didn’t bother decorating her own hat, for it would’ve only reminded her of how lonely she truly was now.

            Simply tossing the hat onto the ground carelessly, she left the happy crowd and walked towards the exit, into the summer air.

            She knew they had both broken their promise, but that was only because of the decision she made. Mikyung had broken their promise into pieces.

            Walking further away from the building and into the sun, she tilted her head back, closed her eyes, and waited for the sun to warm her skin. She waited and waited till her classmates came out to mock and sneer at her.

            “Your skin’s already turning an ugly tan. Are you trying to be even uglier?”

            “No wonder Joonmyun left you. Even the most patient people can’t stick around you.”

            Mikyung looked at them only once, and saw nothing but smirks and glaring eyes. She turned and walked away, leaving the girls who had been tormenting her since elementary school.

            But hidden in the shadows of the building, Joonmyun slowly walked out, expressionless as he approached those girls.

            “You have a way with words,” he mumbled, as they turned to face him. “You know, I met your brother in my college class. He pointed you out when you were up on stage, saying how proud he was of you.” His eyes darted up to meet the girl standing to the left of the other two. “He’s older than me by two years, so I respected him at the moment.” Joonmyun took a shaky breath. “But just so you know, I’m surprised he hasn’t seen this side of you, that hasn’t changed since you were in first grade. Maybe he should.”

            And as he walked away, the girl stepped forward and yelled, “What right do you have to do that?! That over there doesn’t even give a about you, so why should you care about her?!”

            Joonmyun ignored her as he walked in the same direction as Mikyung. He saw her get into her dad’s car, and Mikyung’s eyes looked up for a second.

            Their eyes met, and just as her eyes widened, he slipped into the shadows again, causing her to wonder, and for tears to surface and run down her makeup covered cheeks.

            No, that showed that she still cared for him. And left Joonmyun even more confused than before. His heart ached as he watched her leave.

            But she didn’t go running to look for him. She had purposely built that gap between them. Why did she?

            Joonmyun clenched his fists and looked down at the floor as a single tear escaped from his left eye. And that single tear signified the silent pain he had, the suffering he was bearing, knowing that his best friend for some reason refused to stand by his side again.