The apartment was dark, except for the warm yellow light in the kitchen which they always leave lit whenever both of them go out for the day. The window in the living room is open, allowing soft breeze to blow the curtains and enter the room.

Yixing entered and closed the door. He removed his shoes and placed it neatly beside the rest by the door. He guesses it’s about time to arrange the shoes again. He always puts his shoes together on the left side and puts Yifan’s shoes on the right; but somehow after a couple of days, the shoes just end up mixed with one another.

He makes his way to the kitchen table and puts down the paper bag he got from Chen. He removes his jacket and placed it on the chair before he walked in to the kitchen. He was still a bit hungry. A couple of sushi and a half-eaten plate of noodles were apparently not enough to last him the rest of the night. He opens the shelves to look for something easy to cook. Ramen. “Well, it’ll do,” he thought.

Yixing grabbed a small pot and placed it on the stove. Two packs or ramen would be enough; he had sushi anyway. So as the water boils, he goes back to the table and takes out his take-out food. It was two small orders of the sushi they ate a while ago.

“Hyung, you know people say that it’s best to eat good food when you’re sad.” He remembers Chen saying earlier.

But he wasn’t really sad. Yixing concluded that when he was walking home. He wasn’t sad that Yifan had a girlfriend; he wasn’t sad that Yifan cancelled their semi-fixed Thursday eat-outs; and he wasn’t sad that the reality of Yifan’s happy relationship happened right in front of him. He knew sadness wasn’t it, for all it’s worth, he was actually happy for Yifan. Envious, a bit perhaps, but it wasn’t something that’s unnatural.

Yixing’s emotion was more on anger and disappointment. He was angry at himself.

“You promised yourself you wouldn’t feel any deeper than that…” he said softly. “It was all supposed to be a light, fun thing. There shouldn’t have been any other strings attached.”

 He hated that the thought of having a relationship with Yifan entered his mind. How stupid was he that the idea of maybe, just maybe, Yifan would feel the same? He hated that his mind was more than once playing with the idea of What-if’s and I-hope’s.

He hated that somewhere along the line of a playful emotion, he fell deeply in love. In love with the person he’s been living with, with the person he’s known every single detail about, with the person that he promised he would never really love that deeply.

But what he hated the most is the fact that, despite his warning and promises against it, his heart persisted. “Stupid… You weren’t supposed to really really love him…” he thought.

“Hey, you’re home…”

“YIFAN!” Yixing shouted as he saw the other entering the apartment.

“Why do you always sound so surprised whenever I get home?” Yifan asked.

“Oh no… it’s just that… I didn’t think you’d come home… tonight.”

“Well neither did I. But it’s great you’re home, I forgot my keys…”

“Oh? Then how did you get in? I locked the door.”

“Well, apparently it wasn’t.”

“Huh? I could’ve sworn…”

“You’re lucky it was me that opened the door; if it was a robber, you’d be dead by now,” Yifan said as he walked to the kitchen. “You’re cooking?” he asked as he saw the stove.

“Hmm..? oh, yeah…”

“You’re cooking water?” Yifan asked as he opened the pot.

“Ramen.”

“Well, don’t you think the noodles should be inside the pot?”

“Wait, didn’t I…?”

“Seriously… you forget the most common of things…”

“Sorry…” Yixing said as he stood up.

“Just stay there. I’ll cook it, I’m a bit hungry myself,” the older said as he grabbed two more packs of ramen for himself.

In the twenty minutes that the ramen was being cooked, the apartment was dead silent. Yifan, after putting in the noodles, went to his room to change and returned after a while. Yixing remained on his seat, his head resting on his hands on the table. He tried to avoid looking at Yifan; he was even thinking of an excuse to skip eating and just escape to his room.

The first time the two of them actually looked at each other was when Yixing thanked Yifan when the latter served the two bowls of ramen. But after that, it was back to silence. Yixing couldn’t bring himself to talk, actually he didn’t really care that they weren’t talking. It was actually better this way; he didn’t need to force himself to smile or fake attention because at this time, more than any other time, he wanted to escape. Yixing just wanted to finish his food and go to his room, to not see Yifan. But that wasn’t the case…

“Why are you so quiet?” Yifan asked.

“Hmm?”

“You’re not being your usual active self.”

“Just… tired.” “Please stop talking to me.”

“Then you should’ve just gone straight to bed. Weren’t you supposed to eat dinner with the others? Why did you cook ramen? Didn’t you eat?”

“What’s it to you?” “Just felt hungry, that’s all…”

“I bet you didn’t like the food there so you ate nothing.”

“Maybe.” “Stop asking me questions.”

“Well, it’s a good thing. I’m actually really hungry.”

“Why… didn’t you and your girlfriend eat?” Yixing asked slowly without looking away from his food.

“We didn’t. We just went straight to her apartment…”

“I see,” he responded before biting his lower lip. “You didn’t have to tell me that…”

“We didn’t have time to eat.”

“I get it,” Yixing answered in a tone that’s a bit harsher than what he intended.

Another few minutes of silence. Yixing was trying to calm himself. “Get it together… don’t let your emotion lead you…” he thought.

“You… you must be really enjoying everything now, huh?” the younger asked.

“I guess…?”

“Everything must be working out.”

“It should be. Why?”

“Then you were probably doing all the right things. It must feel like everything is in place…”

“Yes. But you know, when I was drinking with Sehun the other night,” Yifan began. “He told me that sometimes, just sometimes, it isn’t really about doing the right things. It was, rather, doing the things that you really want. If you do that, everything would just eventually fall in the right place.” Yifan finished his bowl and stood up. “More or less, that’s what he says…”

Yixing was silent.

“I’ll do the dishes, you just go to sleep. You look really tired,” Yifan said as he collected the dishes and placed everything in the sink.

“Thanks, hyung,” Yixing said softly.

After a while, Yixing stood up and approached the kitchen to give his dishes to Yifan.

“Just place it there.”

“Thanks.”

“Go to sleep now and -“ the taller one said before he felt arms hugging him from behind. “Yixing…?”

“I’m sorry, hyung. I… lost… again,” Yixing lied.

“You guys should really stop getting me involved in your games.”

“…I’m sorry. This’ll be the last time, I promise…”

“Jeez. What game were you even playing? Why do you keep losing?”

“I hate myself for losing too…” “It’ll only take… a while. Just finish the dishes; I’ll look at the clock.”

And so Yifan had his head down, focused on the dishes, while Yixing was looking up at the wall clock with eyes full of tears - threatening to fall down.

“For one last time… let this be my closure. I would never again play that game. I don’t want to lose anymore… for one last time, allow me to let you feel how I really feel. Let me feel your warmth for the last time. I may not have been able to say that I love you, but that really isn’t important. I’m not that bad of a person to ruin our friendship. Don’t worry; I’ll solve this myself… When I let go, I’m throwing away everything I felt for you. When I let go, I’m forgetting every hope that entered my mind. I’ll stop hating myself. I’ll stop hoping for impossible things.”

“Has it been twominutes?” Yifan asked.

But after hearing this, Yixing tightened his grip on his hands. “I promise you, Yifan, that things will be back to normal. I’ll forget this stupid feeling. I’ll stop loving you. I know I can…”

“Xing?”

It has, indeed, been two minutes. So Yixing slowly removed his arms and said a soft: “Thanks, sorry…”

“I’m going to sleep! Finish the dishes, my slave!” Yixing exclaimed in a faked happy tone as he walked towards his room.

When he entered his room, he made sure to lock his door. He his mp3 player on speakers at a volume that’s a bit louder than usual, and he immediately lied down his bed.

“He told me that sometimes, just sometimes, it isn’t really about doing the right things. It was, rather, doing the things that you really want. If you do that, everything would just eventually fall in the right place.” Yixing remembers Yifan telling him earlier.

“That’s not always the case, Sehun…” Yixing thought. “If right things are already happening, then you should just leave them alone… accept them, no matter how much you really wanted to change it…”

And it was that time that Yixing stopped forcing back his tears. He hugged his circular pillow tight and cried. Yixing forced his eyes shut and just allowed his heart to drain it all out. He was crying much harder than he thought - so much that he was worried that the mp3 would not cover the sobs he was making. So he placed his right hand over his mouth in an attempt to quiet down and continued to cry. “You’re so stupid, Yixing!” he cursed himself. “You never do the right things…”

When Yifan finished the dishes, he scratched his back.

“Oh? Wet? Why?” he thought as he felt a small wet spot at the back of his shirt. “Oh. Must be because my hands are wet… stupid,” he thought to himself as he realized that he hadn’t wiped his hands dry yet.

And so Yixing, that night, fell asleep in his lightless room covered by his blanket. He fell asleep with tears still flowing out from his eyes and with hand on his mouth so that the person that caused him to be like this would not know.

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A/N:   >.<