Choice of Song: You You You by Fly to the Sky

“I hate myself for being like this!” I shouted in frustration. I wiped my tears that were flowing uncontrollably off my cheeks then turned my back away.

Oppa quickly pulled me back as he grabbed me at my wrists. I brushed off his hands mercilessly.

“Hey, calm down. Wait…” He tried to follow from behind.

“Stop, just leave me alone…Sorry…I’ll be alright,” I shut myself up.

Pieces of memory seemed to be playing on its own, scene by scene as if it was a movie in my head.

“I know Oppa is always honest with me. Still, I am not confident enough of myself, not as before. I can’t accept myself for being overly obsessed about you. When you see this side of me, I am certain you will lose interest in me eventually.”

“And I’m selfish. If loving you makes me turn into a person whom I don’t even recognise my true self, then I don’t deserve you to keep holding on me.”

“Yes, you are really mean, you know?” He sounded defensive. “You decide what is best on your own all the time. What if I never wanted that? You never consider me at all. You always make your own choice without attempting to understand my feelings. Have you ever thought of asking about my opinions?”

“Oppa...,” I interrupted but Gary Oppa cut me off. “Stop saying that, you know how much my heart hurts when you say that. I’m happy you are obsessed over me and grateful you want me that much.”

“Don’t you understand Oppa. I’m hating myself day by day,” I said softly with my shaky voice.

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I never thought you would feel this way. Sorry that I’m unaware of what you have gone through, bearing this on your own.”

“Don’t, please don’t! Don’t apologise…,” I raised my voice, begging him to stop blaming himself.

My legs have gotten weak and subsequently I collapsed on the floor. “Oppa, please understand, this is all about me and myself, not you.”

A sequence of events continued to play at the back of my mind in slow motion.

I get jealous over small meaningless things. I hate myself for acting this way. Those times when I said I would understand Gary Oppa and his job in this entertainment industry, I guess I was lying. I thought I could support Oppa in whatever he does, but I realized it wasn’t as simple as said. I remembered we had a big fight when I saw his controversial lewd music video. I wanted to give him all my support for his first solo album yet I could not convince myself to accept this is for the sake to satisfy the preference of today’s fans. Gary Oppa argued that it was unfair when he supported my wholeheartedly during my filming for 'A Frozen Flower'. I was ashamed of myself and have no ground for defending myself.

I hate that I am becoming a narrow-minded woman for loving you.

I am sorry I made you into someone you hate by loving me.

Oppa, I truly love you but I love myself more.

I know you love me but I wish you could love yourself more.

Please don’t hate yourself, because I want you to keep loving me

Please don’t hate yourself, because I love you, Jihyo..

My body is numb, however I could feel the touch of your warm hand. You shake me and awake me from my dream. Finally, I am brought back to reality. I shut off those flashbacks and sober up a bit. I am surpised when my hand touches my face and find that my cheeks are already wet. 

Posting two chapters back-to-back. Woo-hoo! It is midnight now and I'm sleepy. This week RunningMan is on couple theme again. I must get prepared to see Monday Cp joining other guest respectively. Aw~ Good night all. Feel free to comment! ^^