[Myungsoo POV]

Gloomy. Dark. Cold. Heartless. Those are words that people used to descibe me when I meet them. I'm not deny that. I'm indeed, gloomy, dark, cold and heartless. At least that's who I am for this past 4 years. The things is...those people just don't know me. They don't see me from the beginning. They don't know what I was like. The past Myungsoo is not like this. He's different.

I was a lovable kid. Since I was born people always said that I'm a lovely child. People also said that my parents is so lucky because they've been granted two beautiful kids. Two? Yes, two. Me and Hyunsoo. My twin brother. We're inseparable. Hyunsoo is not only my brother, he's also my guardian and my best friend. Funny thing is, we have a total opposite personality. Even though we have the same face, we have different attitude. Hyunsoo is calm, rational, charming and quiet type. I was emotional, harsh, talkative, irational and sometimes annoying. I was just like a kid at my age, while Hyunsoo was act a lot more mature. Even though we're the same age, but he act like my older brother. He calms me down every time I got fight with other kid. He listen to my annoying story every night before we go to bed. He stay up beside me when I got nightmare or when I got sick. Even he take my side every time I make problem and get scolded by mom and dad.

Just like that night. I was in senior year middle school.  I come home with some wounds after a fight with the kids from other school. Mom and dad are so angry with me. I was so upset so I ran to my room upstair harshly without even listening to them nagging me. I was angry too. Definetely falls in the bad mood. I was laying in my bed with my wounded leg and arms when I hear someone knocks at the door.

"Myungsoo-ya..." It's Hyunsoo voice.

"If you want to nag me more just go away..."

"Who says that I want to nag you?" His face appears from the door.

"Then what do you want?" 

"I wanna ask you an important question." He enters the room then sit at my bed.

"What?" I frowned my eyes.

"Did you won?" He ask me with his curious expression.

"Huh?" 

"Did you won the fight?" He ask again. I was so surprised with the question. A few seconds later I laugh and hit his shoulder.

"Ya! You're brother just come home wounded and being nagged by your parents, but you even dare to ask if he's won out of the blue? Waah..you're unbeliaveble..." I said as I shook my head. He smiles. 

"It's is important question. It would be wasting time and energy if you lost after get wounded and nagged by mom and dad." 

"You're really...of course I won." I said confidently. We're both laugh.

"Good then. I'm glad. Now let me see your leg." He pull my legs, making me groan in pain because it was bleeding.

"What do you want?" I pull my leg back. 

"Just stay still." He looks at me after take some first aid kit in the corner of the room. He get some alcohol to clean my wounds. Calmly he put some medicine before bandaging my wounds. "

"It might leave scars." 

"I'm not a girl. Boy looks good with a little bit scar." I said lazily as my sleepy head become intolerable.

"What kind of logic are they? Just sleep already." I lay dawn to the bed as he pull the blanket over my body. I feel grateful because I have Hyunsoo. The one who always be on my side.

"Kim Hyunsoo, what would I do if don't have you?" I muttering before fall asleep.

"What do you say? You'll always have me. Just sleep, brother." 

I'll always have Hyunsoo. So I'm gonna be fine. That's what I tought. Slowly I changed, I become more calm, smile more often and somehow behave better.I may not as good as Hyunsoo at studying but at least I'm not fall behind. Hyunsoo at the other hand, did everything at his best. He said he was gonna be a lawyer. It's no surprise because he always got good grades. Winter 2008, was a happy moment of him. Hyunsoo got accepted to Seoul National University in early admission. And more good thing is... he got a girl friend. Yejie, a beautiful girl live two blocks from our house. What about me? I maybe a little bit jealous of him. I'm still waiting for my college entrance exam. I wasn't sure I'm gonna make it. I was little bit nervous and impatience. Yeah, you can't compare me with him. Hyunsoo was too perfect. Somehow her perfection makes me scared and insecure. I question myself, how could he become so much better than me?

That question start to echoes in my head. Just like that night. It was a windy winter night. I just got my driver license few days ago. I was driving with Hyunsoo that night. We just got back from our friend house near Hongdae. The road is little bit slippery and the weather is not really good. So was my mind. I keep thinking about my jealousy to Hyunsoo. 

"Hyunsoo-ya..." 

"Hmmm?" 

"What if I don't get accepted?" 

"What do you say? Of course you will be accepted." He chuckles.

"We don't know that. I'm not as good as you."

"What do you mean? We're brothers. We're indefferent." He says easily. He always do things easily. 

"Don't you know that I'm sorta jealous of you?" I suddenly surprised with my own question.

"Bwoh? Why?" He's laughing.

"Because you make it look really easy." 

"Hey, I don't know what's wrong with your head. But everything will be..." He was about to say something but I cut it.

"Okay? No it's not. It's not okay! Not for me!" I shout. Somehow I become upset because he always said those thing. That everything will be fine. That I'm gonna be alright. That he's gonna stand by me. I'm tired of that words. I know he's better than me. We're different. Somehow, he's gonna leave...someday.

"Myungsoo-ya listen to me...You'll make it. You'll be alright."

"Can you please stop saying those good words? Stop making things looks so easy for you, Hyun..." Brakkk! A sound of horn so loud just kick my ears. I saw a blinding light from the truck in the front, before it hits our car. The car's flipped over and crash the bridge. We fall to the river. I feel my lungs so heavy breathing. I'm in the water. I feel so dizzy then I realize that I hit my head. 

"Hyunsoo-ya..." I remember muttering his name as my eyes start looking for him. Hyunsoo was no where to be found. My vision become more blurry. But before everything's out I hear a whisper.

"Myungsoo-ya...you have to live. You have to live."

I live. Yeah, I survived. I wake up in the hospital 4 days after the accident. My dad and mom was beside me. They're holding my hand as I open my heavy eyes.

"Where's Hyunsoo?" I muttering the question. They don't answer me. Instead, my mom was crying. I don't understand. What's happening? Where's Hyunsoo? Why did they cry? I just realize some hours later, that my brother is gone.Hyunsoo left me. He's gone.

I didn't cry. I didn't scream. I didn't do anything. I didn't understand. How could it happen? To Hyunsoo? Why him? Why not me? How dare he left me? He promised me that I'll always have him, right? Even he has been accepted to college and got a girl friend. He's far more worthed than me. Why did I get to live and he's not? Why did Hyunsoo did that to me? That questions just scratch my mind and make it like it will explode. I feel guilty. 

That's the time when I start to forget who I am anyomore. I stop smiling. I forget my own feeling. I forget how the pains feels like. Then I start do the bad things. One day my mom found me unconsious in the bathroom with a bleeding wirst. I cut it. And that's not the only time. One night some police officer brought me home after they found me alone at the library building's rooftop. They said I tried to jump from there. A truck driver nearly hit me but managed to avoid the accident after desperately hit the brake. He said I was standing at the middle of the road and stare blankly like a walking corpse. The funny thing is...I don't remember those times. I don't feel pain or scared. I just feel...so empty.

Then finally I was diagnosed by Trigeminal Neuralgia. People also said it's a suicidal disease. I got admitted to this mental institute 2 years ago. They give me some treatment and medication. I guess it works, because I don't feel like cutting my wrist lately. At least not now. But somehow..it still feel empty. I still feel guilty and lonely. And slowly I grow darker, colder and become heartless. 

Now I look outside the window. I can see the cherry blossom tree in the park. It's beautiful even at night. The petals just fall to the ground slowly. That scenery then being disturbed by a girl with a long-red wavy hair. She's my new neighbor from room 21. I'm wondering what she's doing exactly. I see her counting something, few seconds later she looks like calculating. Then she smile. I hear her voice saying 'Ah..it's actually 4.897 cm per seconds.'

I smile. I guess she's really counting it. The speed of cherry blossom flower to fall from it branches to the ground. She's indeed...unbelievable.