“Oof,” I said, lifting Sehun up to sit on my lap. “Sehun, you’ve grown so much!”

“Appa says I’m probably going to be very, very tall!” Sehun said excitedly, looking up at me. “And if I’m taller than Appa then I can pick him up!”

“Yeah, do you see how long his legs are? We went to the doctor for a check-up the other day and she said that Sehun was in the taller percentage of kids his age.”

Sehun and Baekhyun were visiting me while I was at the hospital. My therapist had told me that I should invite them because it would make me feel better, and it did. Spending time with them was fun.

I had woken up by myself in a hospital bed about a week ago, and had another meltdown. I didn’t even want to remember what happened. A lot of crying, a lot of fear, and a lot of different doctors who just wanted to talk. I never thought talking to people could be so physically exhausting.

I hadn’t believed them when they had said that my brother was paying- I was scared that they had mixed me up with someone else. But when they showed me the paperwork to prove it, the handwriting was the same as the one on the notes left on my desk at work. The signature read “Lee Onew”. And I had had another meltdown.

Baekhyun had visited me twice now, and this was his third visit. We were sitting in a lounge, and he had brought over fruits which he had peeled at home.

I knew why he had to pre-peel them. Baekhyun was not allowed to bring cutlery into my sight. If he did, they had to be disposable ones that he had to snap in front of me and take away- I wasn’t allowed to think I owned any cutlery.

I smiled, not caring that juice from an orange slice was running down Sehun’s chin and dripping onto my hospital gown. Seeing Sehun and Baekhyun were the highlights of my days.

“How’s it been going?” Baekhyun asked.

“Good,” I said. “Really boring when I’m not in therapy though. I’m sick of watching TV and I don’t have anything else to do. The doctor said that I was doing really well though, and I was allowed outside. But I’m not allowed to go anywhere without someone taking me and I haven’t got anyone so I haven’t yet,” I said shyly.

Key visited me once, with flowers. That was also a bad day. I had started crying the moment I saw his face and hyperventilating. It made Key cry too and that made me panic more. The therapist said that one day when she thinks I’m ready she’s going to make Key and I talk to each other while she is in the room.

“Really? What days are you allowed to go out?” Baekhyun asked excitedly.

“Any day,” I shrugged. “The person has to sign me in and out though. But you know, I don’t really,” I could feel the familiar anxiety starting to rise in me again. “It’s okay,” I ended lamely. I was scared that Baekhyun would think I was asking him, so I said it was okay because he was probably wouldn’t take me out. He was so busy.

“What about tomorrow?” asked Baekhyun. “We could go have lunch, and walk in the park. I have some stale bread that we can feed to birds.”

“You… would be okay with taking me out?” I asked. “You don’t have to. I’m just going to be a bother and I’m sure you’ve got other stuff to do and Sehun to look after-“

“Hey,” said Baekhyun firmly, handing me an apple slice. “Don’t think that. I say it all the time, you’re practically like family. It makes me feel better that I’ve got you, and that you’ve got me. We love hanging out with you, don’t we Sehun? Do you have fun with Taemin hyung? You wanna play outside together tomorrow?”

“Yes!” he yelled, sitting up and hugging me even though he was all sticky. “I want to feed birds! Birds! Ducks!”

Baekhyun and I laughed as Sehun flapped his arms, quacking.

The nurse said he had another visitor right now, and Onew was curious. Was it Key? Did Taemin call his family? He could hear Taemin’s breathy laughter coming from the lounge area coupled with another voice he wasn’t familiar with.

He peeked into the door and he felt sick. 

Taemin looked a lot better and like his old self again- his cheeks were full, his eyes sparkling and he was laughing- Onew was happy that he was laughing, but he wasn’t happy at who he was laughing with.

Onew felt like he needed to talk to Taemin, to apologise and to see where they were now. But his stomach dipped at the scene that he found Taemin in. A cute little boy was squealing while bouncing up and down in his lap, and by the way he was acting it was obvious that he was comfortable and familiar with Taemin. Sitting opposite Taemin in a lounge chair was an unfamiliar person, a young looking guy wearing a hoodie and snapback while he offered Taemin an orange slice.

Who were they? Onew’s mind was jumping from conclusion to conclusion. They could be Taemin’s relatives, or with someone else in this hospital and had become friends. Or, the one his mind really wanted to leap to- were they Taemin’s next conquest? He could see the similarity in the little boy and the guy’s face, so he probably was taken, had Taemin managed to seduce someone while he was in hospital?

And that was the reason, why they couldn’t work. Onew could never trust Taemin again.

Breathing deeply, he walked in.

Taemin and the stranger both looked up and Onew could see Taemin freeze, the smile suddenly disappearing from his face and his eyes become dazed. The stranger looked back and forth from Taemin’s shellshocked face and Onew’s sorrowful one and seemed to work it out.

“Hi, my name is Baekhyun and this is my son Sehun,” said the stranger, bowing slightly in his chair and picking Sehun up off Taemin’s lap. Sehun buried his face in Baekhyun’s shoulder, probably sensing the tension. “I’m from his hometown. And you are?”

“Onew. I was hoping to talk to Taemin alone.”

They both looked at Taemin, who was pale.

“Taemin, do you want to talk to Onew-ssi? You don’t have to. Or I can stay if you want,” Baekhyun said softly to Taemin, and took Taemin’s hand.

Onew didn’t like the way Baekhyun was touching Taemin and was acting intimate with him. Did Baekhyun like Taemin? He better not.

Taemin was avoiding their gazes and staring at the floor while Baekhyun kept holding his hand.

A long stretch of awkward silence happened, where Taemin didn’t answer and all that was heard was Sehun’s quiet crunching of an apple. The little boy was staring unabashedly at Onew over Baekhyun’s shoulder, not a trace of emotion on his face. Onew was glad his daughter was more easier to read.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Baekhyun soothed, and Onew sort of wanted to punch him and his nice voice. Just how old was this Baekhyun? He looked even younger than Taemin, and he was smaller. They would make a ridiculous couple. How did this Baekhyun even have a kid as old as Sehun? Was Sehun a high school pregnancy?

“I really want to though,” added in Onew just to annoy Baekhyun. Baekhyun glared so frostily at Onew that he wondered how much Baekhyun knew about them.

“I don’t care about what you want,” Baekhyun spat out.  “Taemin decides.”

“Just for a little bit?” whispered Taemin to Baekhyun without looking at Onew. He sounded so vulnerable. Onew wished he could see Taemin’s expression but Taemin was hiding his face from Onew. “Just a few minutes.”

“Do you want me to stay?” Baekhyun asked, looking into Taemin’s eyes. Onew wanted to toss this mouthy little man out of the window. But he wouldn’t because Baekhyun was holding a child. And by the way Baekhyun was bristling, the feeling seemed mutual.

“Will you come back?” Taemin asked, and Onew hated the desperate tone in the question. “If I see him alone, will you come back soon?”

“Of course,” Baekhyun said, nodding. “I was thinking of going down to the Lotte downstairs and getting some chicken nuggets for Sehun. Do you want me to come back quickly?”

Taemin nodded, and Onew noticed how Taemin was holding onto Baekhyun’s wrist. Sehun was still staring reproachfully at Onew, and Onew wondered just how much he knew as well. Kids listened and understood more than adults thought they would.

Baekhyun got up, balancing Sehun on his other hip like he didn’t want his son to be physically near Onew. “I’ll be back in 10 minutes.”

Onew took another deep breath.

“How’ve you been?” he asked, finally loosening up now that Baekhyun wasn’t in the room. “I got you some chocolates, and some of your favourite snacks.”

Taemin still wasn’t looking at him.

“I just wanted to say, I’m so sorry. For what I said that night we had the big argument. I didn’t mean what I said, and it was uncalled for.”

To Onew’s surprise, Taemin laughed.

“Of course you meant what you said,” Taemin said bitterly. “That’s something that I really hate about you, you know. You always lie. If you had been truly sorry, you would’ve apologised after you said it. Not nearly a month after. Not now when you’re feeling guilty and I’m in hospital.”

“I was angry,” Onew tried to explain, feeling like he had been insulted.

“Would you have ever apologised if I hadn’t gone into hospital? I don’t accept your apology. I don’t think it’s real.”

Onew was stunned. Taemin was so… harsh. This was the first time he was seeing Taemin angry, and his normally pretty features were twisted in a bad scowl. In his white hospital gown and his arms crossed, he looked quite hostile.

“I didn’t come here to argue,” Onew sighed. “I came here to talk about… us.”

A muscle in Taemin’s jaw jumped.

“Taemin… I was the one who found you when you had your nervous breakdown. I stayed with you for hours that day here, and am paying your hospital bills. While I was doing all this, I realised that I still loved you. I was so worried. I just want you to know, that I love you with all my heart. I realised that I would give anything to you, and you’re the most beautiful and amazing person I’ve ever met, inside and out. I hope you get better soon, because you don’t deserve to feel pain. I want you to be always happy, because I love you so, so much. I’m so glad I met you, and every second with you is a precious memory I have in my mind. Being with you, laughing with you…. It might’ve been the happiest moments I’ve ever had in my life. I’m so sorry for being the one who hurt you. I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t give myself all to you, even though you gave me so much of you. I’m sorry I never got you to understand just how amazing you really are. I’m so sorry I didn’t help you.”

Onew had read somewhere that tears contain a little bit of stress hormone in them, so when you cried, you released stress and was the reason for why you cried in the first place. He swore that the tear that formed at the side of his eye was the droplet from the ocean of sadness and hurt when he saw that Taemin had started to cry. And once again, Onew had caused it.

“Please don’t cry, Taeminnie swee-.., please don’t cry,” Onew said, dropping down in the chair that Baekhyun had been sitting on. “I’m sorry. Please don’t.”

Taemin shakily wiped his cheeks with the back of his hands, still not looking at Onew.

“Taemin… is there anything you want to say to me? I want you to be able to talk too,” said Onew. “I’m sure you want to curse me out or something.”

“I do,” hiccupped Taemin, his face crinkling up as more tears ran down his cheeks. “Jinki hyung, you were so bad and mean. You were so mean to me, during the end. I’ve never been mean to you, or anyone else. I always end up being the one people treat badly, and I don’t know why.”

Onew hated himself and he could feel his eyes stinging. “I’m sorry Taemin,” Onew said brokenly. “I really wish I could take back all the words I said that night.”

“It wasn’t even that night,” Taemin said, looking at his lap and tears still trailing down his cheeks as he silently sobbed. “You’ve always treated me badly. I was always so scared that I would lose you, because I never believed you love me. And I still don’t.”

“What do you mean?” asked Onew. “And I do love you Taemin, honestly. You’re the only one I have ever felt like this with.”

Taemin shook his head. “I let you in, and I gave you everything I had. I let you into my house, my home and my heart. There was nothing I was hiding from you. I told you all of my secrets, showed you everything. And you used it against me. I’ve never told anyone anything but you, because you were the only one I trusted. I trusted you so much. I loved you so much.”

“How do you feel about me now?” asked Onew.

“I don’t know,” sobbed Taemin. “I don’t know.”

“Taemin,” Onew said, sighing, his eyes blurry with tears. “I want you to not think of me again. I screwed up your life. I want you to hate me. I love you… but we just cannot work out.”

Taemin finally looked in Onew’s eyes, but Onew’s were too full of tears that he could only see a blurry outline of Taemin’s face. Taemin however, could feel hysteria building up in himself, threatening to bubble over. This was not what he was expecting.

“I’ve been thinking over and over, how I could be with you, how we could work out, and I just couldn’t think how. Do I divorce Taeyeon? I need to work and can’t look after Taelin, there’s no way I could get full custody. And if I did divorce Taeyeon, I couldn’t put Taelin through the life of having divorced parents. Everyone around her would always be teasing her, gossiping about her and the State always visiting her. Noone gets divorced in Korea when you have children unless you want your children in an orphanage, or adopted by Taeyeon’s grandparents. My parents would probably murder me, if Taeyeon’s parents didn’t get to me first. My family is very Christian too, so I’d probably be disowned for being a disappointment. But the fact is, I have a child, Taemin. I would give up my happiness for her happiness. I’m scared I’ve already scarred Taelin already with the fighting we’ve been doing. I’d rather her grow up in a family with an arguing father and mother that love her more than anything, than no father at all. I don’t want to miss out on anything in her life, and I don’t want her to have such a lousy father. Taeyeon also feels that way, so we’re going to try work out our differences. I love you so, so much Taemin. But I can’t see you again.”

Onew had been rehearsing this speech the entire way to the hospital, and his bones were shaking from finally unloading the burden. Taemin had put his hands up next his head.

“I understand that you don’t want her to grow up like how I did,” Taemin sobbed. “I do. But why don’t you want to see me again? Because I want to see you again. Jinki hyung, please. I’ll do anything, please don’t leave me. I loved you. I think I still do love you. I miss you so much. I just want us to go back to my apartment and fall asleep to you holding me and singing to me.  I want to do that so bad. I think about it every night here. Please hyung, why can’t you just try? You don’t have to divorce Taeyeon then. I just want you. I love you. I’d rather have a part of you than none of you, please! Please, can’t we just try?”

“No sweetheart,” Onew was now sobbing himself. “I’m so sorry but I can’t. My darling, I can’t keep lying and hurting everyone, including you. You deserve someone who treats you better, who is hopelessly in love with you and is devoted to only you.  I’m only half of that man you need. I don’t think it’s a good idea to see each other, my darling. It’s only going to make letting go and moving on harder.”

“No!” yelled Taemin, who was shaking and hyperventilating, as sobs racked his body. His heart felt like it was being torn apart by fingers, squeezing and squashing. “I’m not hearing this! This is not happening! How can you say you love me and not want to see me? I don’t understand! Why can’t we just do what we did before? I truly don’t mind, honestly! I just want to see you and talk to you, I don’t care if it’s once a week or even once a month! I just want you!”

“Taemin,” sobbed Onew. “I don’t think it’ll work.”

“Why can’t you just try?” begged Taemin, and he sounded so wrecked and pleading that Onew cried even harder. “Please. Just try. I love you, please.  You’re breaking my heart!”

“I’m breaking my own heart, Taeminnie,” said Onew nearly wordlessly, because he was crying too hard. “I just can’t. I can’t do this.”

“You just don’t want to! screamed Taemin. “You don’t love me enough to try! Oh my God. You don’t want me!"

“I’m so sorry,” sobbed Onew, standing up to leave. “I really am. Thank you so much for everything. Thank you for giving your time to me, for giving so much happiness to me. These past few months have been unforgettable and I never thought any of this would ever happen, but I’m glad that it did. I’m so glad you came into my life, you’re such a beautiful boy. You deserve someone who will treat you like a king, and make you smile everyday. Lee Taemin, I will always love you. It doesn’t matter if the world stops spinning, if I die, if the sun stops rising and all that stuff, it will be a fact that Lee Jinki loved Lee Taemin, and I always will. I will always think of you.”

Onew turned to leave and Taemin started screaming his sobs out, right at the split second that Baekhyun was at the doorway carrying a Sehun who was nibbling at a nugget.

“What have you done?” he growled at Onew, as Sehun started wailing in a high pitch as well. Onew was sorry that he had made the little boy upset.

“Please look after him,” Onew choked out. “Please. I’m so sorry. But I think we all know that him and I would never last.”

A/N

This is actually the end of the story, because this is the last lyric of Marina and Diamonds song that have been the chapter titles. I’ve been changing the lengths of the titles as it got older, to try finish it in time with the lyrics.

.......or should I say, this was the original ending of Homewrecker.

There is an epilogue! I wonder what will happen to Ontae. I do like a happy ending, but what consititutes as my version of a happy ending for them might not be what yours is ;)