To be honest, saying that I wanted to die was not strong enough to encompass what I was feeling.

I felt like it was all my fault, and yet it wasn’t. I didn’t know why I liked taken guys. I just did. I found them more appealing. They gave me things. They made me feel special. They helped me live, helped me survive. And then I met Onew, and I had let him in.

He had been the first one who had listened to me when I was talking, the first person who laughed at my jokes and I thought he liked me for me. I had let myself believe that his love wasn’t fickle and that we were supposed to be together somehow.

I wasn’t a good person, I knew.

But Onew was supposed to be on my side, like I had always been on his. He always hurt me but I was still with him.

And he had hurt me more than anyone else in my life had.  That comment about my father, just showing me that he had been listening to me, and that he was laughing at my story. He was just laughing at me and my secrets. It hurt so much.

I spent the first few days just crying. Thank god I was unemployed.

But then I needed to get out of the house, because I realised that I had been scratching myself. It was a bad habit of mine whenever I was alone and upset. I would scratch because I felt like my hands needed something to do, and I would do it because I knew no one was watching. I used to do it on my legs under the covers at home during the night, but I hadn’t scratched that much in Seoul since I was rarely alone now. It made me feel better in a familiar way, but I knew I wasn’t supposed to do this. So I decided to walk to the family park near my apartment buildings because I needed a break from my silent house.

Why did I even put myself through this torture.

The playground was deserted so I sat on a swing, using my legs to gently swing me back and forth.

The sky was grey, and leaves looked really dark green. The wind was chilly.

It was beautiful. The world was so beautiful. It wasn’t fair that my life in it was so hard. It had always been hard, from start to finish. Why?

I blinked as a tear rolled down my cheek. I had gotten used to the feeling of crying so much that I barely felt it when I did now.

I hadn’t heard his voice or seen his face in three days. I missed it. Even if it was to argue, I just wanted to hear his voice.

It wasn’t my fault, was it?

It wasn’t my fault, because I hadn’t done anything.

Did I want him back?

I didn’t know.

He didn’t treat me very nicely.

He was so mean to me.

“Wow, you really like parks or something?”

I looked up slightly to see Baekhyun smiling at me. I didn’t have any energy to greet him properly.
“Oh hey,” I said quietly, looking down again and fussing with my face to try hide my tears.

“Hey hey Taeminnie,” he said back, sitting on the swing next to mine. “Sehun and I saw this park when we dropped you home that one time, and I thought it would be a great new place to play. This is our second time here. Look at Sehun having the time of his life!”

I looked to where he was gesturing and sure enough, a little bobble hat was sliding down the slide and squealing by himself.

“It’s so cool how we keep meeting each other,” Baekhyun said. “It must be fate. Here.”

I hadn’t looked at him while he had been talking, but I started when I saw that he was handing me some tissues.

I let out a puff of breath and scrubbed my cheeks self consciously. I didn’t know what Baekhyun wanted. But I knew what I wanted, and that was not to talk. I bit my lips.

“It’s cold today,” he started talking again. “Want to come over to my house and have some tea?”

“What?” I asked dumbly.

“Come over. Right now. I’m thinking of heading home. Sehun needs his nap and you haven’t come over yet.”

“No, that’s fine hyung,” I said, trying to refuse.

“Don’t be polite. We’re practically brothers and we have to stick together. You know that! You know the saying about how blood is thicker than water.”

“We’re not related,” I chuckled.

“Hey, we’re from the same countryside. Same thing. Come on.”

I was surprised when Baekhyun grabbed my hand and hauled me up into a hug. He patted my back and I wanted to cry again. The tidal wave wanted to get out. But I didn’t let it. Lee Taemin does not cry in public.

I sat quietly on the couch as I watched Baekhyun try to get a very annoyed and angry Sehun to nap.

“Nooo,” he screeched, tears running down his red cheeks as Baekhyun was trying to hold him. He squirmed to try get down onto the floor. “I want to play with Taemin hyung!”

I didn’t know what to say. I sort of wanted to burst into tears myself.

“No,” Baekhyun said sternly. “It’s naptime. You’re tired.”

“I hate you appa!” he screamed, twisting in two as Baekhyun held him up to his chest. “I hate you! I don’t need a nap!”

Baekhyun didn’t say anything, just kept patting his back as Sehun mournfully cried and thrashed. Baekhyun started singing, an old nursery rhyme in dialect from our hometown. His singing voice was beautiful. It reminded me of my mother and Uncle Heechul singing me the same song. Back when I was with people I loved who loved me back. I wanted to go home. I wanted to curl up in bed and smell my mother’s cooking for me. The home Onew had infiltrated.

“Looks like you’re next,” Baekhyun said, stopping his singing for a moment. Sehun was lying limply in his arms, and Baekhyun was rocking back and forth. I realised that I had teardrops running down my cheeks.  I laughed as I wiped them away.

“It was the song,” I blubbered as he came back after putting Sehun down. “I haven’t heard it in so long.”

He sat down next to me.

“You know I’m your hyung, right?” he said. “You can tell me anything. And I swear that I won’t relay it back home. Are you in trouble?”

I shook my head, looking down at my lap. I felt defeated. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to do anything. I shouldn’t have come over.

“Taemin-ah,” he said softly. “I’ve got your back. I’m just like your Uncle Heechul okay. You’re the closest thing I have to family here. I hope you think of me like that too.”

I realised that he had switched back to dialect when he was talking to me and the mention of my Uncle made me have to physically stifle my sobs.

“I don’t want to cry anymore Baekhyun hyung,” I pleaded. “That’s all I’ve been doing these past few days. I’m sick of crying.”

“Don’t be ashamed to cry,” he said softly. “Tears are only water, and flowers, fruit and trees cannot grow without water.”

This was our little hometown saying. I had heard it countless times, my mother, my uncle having said it to me. Teachers in kindergarten said this a lot to their kids. And of course Baekhyun would remember it now that he had a kid of his own. It was supposed to be comforting, supposed to be familial like a mother wiping your tears with her apron, and reassuring. The fact that he said it to me- it was touching.

I had never been that close to Baekhyun, so I covered my face as I cried, trying to muffle my sobs to not wake Sehun. Baekhyun was patting my back again.

I told him everything. I couldn’t stop myself.

“Wow,” he said, rubbing his nose. “Wow. Lee Taemin, I’m impressed.”

“I think you’re the only one who is,” I said, sniffling.

“Have you always liked taken guys?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. “Don’t you remember? Kai had a girlfriend at the time.”

Baekhyun gasped and stood up, clapping his hands. “I knew it!” he crowed. “Even though we were young, I remember the way you two looked at each other. He looked at you like you were the most beautiful person in the world. And you were always hanging out with him. And then you stopped all of a sudden and Kai wouldn’t smile for like, two months. I suspected that there was something going on between you two!”

“He was my first crush,” I said, blushing. “But he was going out with someone in his class. I stopped hanging out with him because he broke up with her and it was… different.”

“Oh my god,” Baekhyun said. “I can’t believe I was right. I knew it! Kai’s sister thought it was because he was heartbroken over his first girlfriend. But I remember that I never saw her over at their house, instead you were there and always smiling. And then you stopped coming over and Kai never left his room. My gaydar was so right!”

“Shut up,” I laughed, swiping at him.

“You are so magnificent Taemin,” he said. “How do you even know they’re going to fall for you? You must be really amazing.”

 I snorted. “I don’t know why they fall for me. I think the closet gay ones who are using their girlfriends to try hide are the ones that do, because I’m the most available.”

“You have got yourself in a bad situation though Taemin,” he said. “I’m sorry. But you should move on. This Jinki sounds like a terrible person. You should try be happy by yourself, and then find someone who will love only you. You just need time to yourself.”

“You know what he told me?” I said, starting to breathe funny. “He said…he said that I should find a sugar daddy… because my real one didn’t know I existed.”

Baekhyun knew my story. Everyone in my town knew my story. He gasped, hugging me. I wanted to laugh, because he seemed offended when he had probably gossipped about me back in the day as well.

“As a father himself, I can’t believe he said that to you,” he seethed. “Especially since someone else could easily say the same thing about his daughter if you two had carried on.”

I was a terrible person. Onew was a terrible person. We were two terrible people.

“Hey. Breathe,” said Baekhyun. “Calm down. It’s over. Don’t think about him again, just move on. You know you can, you’re so strong. Just breathe.”

“I’m not strong,” I sobbed. “I feel sick.”

“Hey, stop scratching,” Baekhyun said, grabbing my hands. I didn’t know I had even begun. “And breathe. You just take all the time you need. Each day is you moving away from what happened, and before you know it, thinking about this won’t hurt you anymore. You’re okay. You’re fine.”

“I’m so messed up hyung, like you wouldn’t even believe,” I whispered. “I don’t even see the point. I hate Seoul. I would rather die than move back to Gangwon. Everything is so hard and everything I do is wrong. I don’t even know why I should try. Everyone hates me and I’m messed up.”

“I don’t hate you,” said Baekhyun. “Sehun loves you. Your're young and you're supposed to make these mistakes. You just have a really ty taste in men.”

Laughter bubbled out of me and Baekhyun joined in, ruffling my hair. Baekhyun was so nice.

“Just though we’re clear though,” Baekhyun said. “I’m very straight. Like really straight as an arrow. I love s and s. Please don’t seduce me.”

“I can’t seduce you unless you want to be seduced,” I said, wiping my eyes. “Thank you, hyung. Sehun is lucky to have you.”

“Didn’t you hear the screaming? He hates me,” he sighed.

“He doesn’t know what he was saying, he was tired,” I said.

“Exactly. Like you don’t know what you’re saying because you’re upset. Want to eat some ice cream?”

I got back to my apartment with a bag full of groceries, having requested to be dropped off by one because I was running out of supplies. I was a bit worried though. I didn’t know how long I would be unemployed for. I had checked my balance and saw that Onew had transferred some money into it from a week ago when he said that he would pay for me since he was the reason why I got fired. It was a good lump sum.

Sehun had been in a stellar mood when he woke up, snuggling Baekhyun and radiating so much love that there was no denying he loved his father. Baekhyun was such a good dad and Sehun was so cute, I mused as I started making some budae jjigae. I had looked at a recipe online. I felt so much better. I had a ty taste in men- that was all it was. I should stay single for a while, Baekhyun told me. Someone would come along eventually and I was young.

I opened my cutlery drawer to get some chopsticks, my hands searching and counting as they passed each pair. One two three-

Three?

My heart dropped.

I looked at the drawer properly now, my eyes darting around. I had not checked that thoroughly for a while since the whole Onew storm. But this. I could not survive this. This couldn’t happen.

My visual and scrabbling search didn’t come up with my fourth pair and my breathing started to get erratic as I pulled the drawer out, breaking it.

“,” I swore as I laid it carefully on the floor to not lose anything else. “Where the could it be?”

My heart was pounding. No. No. No. No. No. No. Please no. I had lost.. no. I couldn’t even think it.

I knew it was ridiculous when I pulled out all the rest of my drawers in the kitchen looking for the lost chopsticks. I knew I was spiralling out of control when I heard the loud hiss of my stove extinguishing as my water boiled over, hot water streamed down the side of it and I didn’t turn back and look. I didn’t even care. I just needed to find my fourth pair of chopsticks. I couldn’t have lost it. It was mine. It should be here. I always put it here.

I couldn’t handle it. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

I don’t expect you to understand. Even I couldn’t understand, as I started going through my trash, why my hands were shaking so much. This just wasn’t right. I needed to find my chopsticks, or my world would collapse. Just like I felt like my chest was doing. I was going to die.

Baekhyun was so wrong. I was not fine.

I am so messed up.

A/N Read the first chapter of Homewrecker again- Taemin was talking about Kai!

Two updates in one day? Oh my!

And FINALLYYY MY ANGSTY FUN GETS TO BEGIN. YOU KNOW ME. I'M AN ANGST JUNKIE. AND I LOVE TO MAKE MY MAIN CHARACTER FALL APART ;)

Thank you for those who are upvoting! <3 <3 so much love!

And thank you for the people commenting! Taemin is feeling the love, so it makes me write out his story faster! All he wants is for you to like him! He doesn't have much friends. And he lost his chopsticks :(( he needs those very much.

More scandal in the next chapter ;)