I only realize that I got a text from Chanyeol since the afternoon but I didn’t notice it then. I spend my day going to the coffee shop with LuHan *this may sounds crazy* and working my part-time job till now, almost midnight.

“Hyung. I need to meet you. Hyung ah don’t tell me my job is over because I even didn’t start it…”

What did he mean? I thought this job brings Chanyeol many troubles, not like…this?

I go upstairs to my room at dorm, and the first thing I see, a something sitting down on the grown of the corridor, in front of my door. It’s Chanyeol. I run to him, he looks so tired with his swollen face. No more glasses, he looks pathetic.

“Chanyeol? What are you doing here? Let me walk you back to your room. OK, stand up.” I help him up, holding his waist and pull him as hard as I can. His tall body really looks like it does gonna crash me in any second. The lavender smell still somewhere in his hair, his eyes still close, he looks like no longer alive.

“Chanyeol, wake up…!”

…

“Chanyeol, don’t you ever scare me like this… Please wake up!!”

…

“What am I supposed to do? You are not allowed to be dead like this can you hear me? Stop terrifying me!!”

Chanyeol slowly opens his eyes a little, enough to let me see that he’s still alive. He looks really not-in-a-good-mood.

“Finally… I’m sorry because LuHan hit you! Stop making me worry again!”

“You… really…care?” He asks in a low voice that makes me hardly hear anything.

“What? Ah! Yes, of course I do care. You are my brother, my little brother how can I leave you alone?” I said, we move back to his room which just distances from us about 1km away.

I can still hear his breathing beside my ear. Every breath is so warm, and looks like he’s really tired now. What did I do? I don’t even think about his feelings before asking him involved in such so many messy things like this. I feel so shamed on myself, therefore, I suddenly hold him tighter. This little boy, even taller than me about 10cm or more, eventually just a little boy.

“I will always be a little brother in your eyes?” His voice happened so sudden that I was almost faint because of scaring. Finally we reach his room’s door. It’s time to let him go, why I feel this so painful. I shouldn’t be bothering him that long, make him so many things to worry about. At the end I’m just a guy who falls in love with another guy, and Chanyeol is absolutely not that kind…

“Of course. I will always cherish you. Don’t worry and sleep tight. I think from tomorrow you don’t need to pretend any longer. It’s not good for you, you got that right?” I smile at him, look straight to his huge and beautiful eyes.

“Hyung… OK. I really hope Luhan hyung will understand your heart and you too, understand his.” Chanyeol smiles slightly, he opens the door then closes it right to my face. Yes, maybe this is what I deserved.

If Luhan is wind, which can make my heart fall from this to that, then Chanyeol will be snow flake, make me hard to hold on cause he might slips away…

~

This makes our relationship can’t be normal like before. Chanyeol starts to stay away from me, sometimes I look for his eyes but he just, denies it.

This breaks my heart. Somehow. Don’t ever think that I didn’t know what is happening on Earth, I know it so well. I know Chanyeol’s feeling for me. Why did I know? Because I’m sensitive enough to notice that by his act and words, but I can’t give him any feedback. I hope this will happen with him for awhile only; maybe stop talking with me will be good for him, and then why I have to worry like this? Why feel so empty like this?

“Hey, what’s up? Are you OK?” Luhan shows up in front of me, like he’s just fallen from nowhere.

“No. Why do you care?” I answer without any joke; I can see Chanyeol glances at us for half a second. What should I do in this situation? I can’t not be happy with Luhan while Chanyeol is still there, still looking at us, still...stays mad at me?

“Because I want to. After yesterday, means we will…date?”

“What do you want? Of course not! I won’t date anyone.” I stress my voice so bad.

“Why not? We both have feelings for each others, then what other things can stop us? You got to give me some acceptable reasons!” Luhan’s eyes on me now make my heart beat so fast. His smile is just for me, his eyes see only me, then, why am I so afraid?

“I still need time.” I answered shortly.

“Time for what?”

“Repairing all the mistakes I’ve done to somebody.” I glance at Chanyeol again, make sure he’s still there eating and playing with his food. (?)

“You mean Chanyeol?”

“Hmm? You know?” Well this really scares me.

“How can’t I know? He likes you, it’s so obvious. So that’s why I don’t want to lose you.” He smiles, use his left hand to touch my forehead, squeezes my hair, and peaks my cheek.

“Don’t say like that.” I said, face turns to red a little bit, grab his hand immediately and put it away. “Keep that secret for your life time.”

“Tonight can I come to your room?” Luhan seems to ignore whatever I’ve warned him. Doesn’t he understand any of my words?

“I won’t open the door. I’ve told you, you can’t do that it’s so… unnatural, and nonsense. You know boys, just can’t love boys!”

“Why not? Then what can we call our feelings?”

His eyes turn to me again.

“I don’t know either. I need to take care of Chanyeol these days. He has changed in a negative way just because of me don’t you see? He doesn’t deserve to be like that!”

“You can’t do anything about this. The more you care about him, the harder he will face when you leave him.” Luhan stands up and walks away. Maybe he’s right, maybe the only thing I can do for Chanyeol is disappear.