a/n  a really short chapter this time. no nichkhun, but we will see him again on the next chapter :)

+

Flashes of the wedding play behind Wooyoung’s eyelids. Slowly, groggily, he flutters them open. The blurry image is replaced by the whiteness of the ceiling before his other senses kick in. He feels the coldness of the room, feels the mask attached on the lower part of his face and feels the weight leaning against his hand. Still feeling slightly disoriented, Wooyoung tilts his head to the side a little and sees Minjun sleeping on the chair next to the bed he’s lying on. His gaze moves up and he also sees Jaebeom and Jinyoung sleeping on the couch. Confused of where he is and what they’re doing here, he tries to call for Minjun but nothing comes out from his mouth. Instead, he moves his hand a little and Minjun immediately wakes up from his sleep.

“Wooyoung?” Minjun stands up, grabbing Wooyoung’s hand tighter in his. Wooyoung frowns looking at how terrible Minjun is— bloodshot eyes and overall fatigued features. Remembering the wedding, Wooyoung pulls the mask off his face and asks, “Why are you here?” his voice barely above whispers.

Minjun rubs his face with one hand while the other is still holding on to Wooyoung’s. He searches for something beside Wooyoung’s bed and presses a button. “How are you feeling?”

“Hyung, why are you here?” Wooyoung asks again. He feels tired and overly groggy but doesn’t want to go back to sleep. He wonders just how long had he been sleeping. “Shouldn’t you be in Greece for your honeymoon?” Wooyoung can’t even fathom why he remembers this and not the reason why he’s here. Minjun doesn’t answer but a few minutes later, Doctor Ok and his nurses walk in to the room and that is when Wooyoung realizes he’s in the hospital, realizes all the wires connecting his body to the machines. “Hyung, what happened?” Wooyoung asks, reaching out for Minjun’s hand when Minjun has to let go to give way for Doctor Ok to check his condition.

“It’s okay. It’s okay,” Minjun assures. “Thank God you’re awake now.” Minjun cups his face and looks away. Wooyoung frowns, but tries not to move too much so Doctor Ok can check on him.

“How are you feeling, Wooyoung?” Doctor Ok asks, pressing his stethoscope to Wooyoung’s chest.

“I’m okay,” he answers, surprised at how croaky his voice is. “Tired.”

“Do you remember what happened?” Doctor Ok asks again. Wooyoung tries to remember but can’t recall anything at the moment. But being here in the hospital, something bad must have happened. Not seeing his parents around, Wooyoung starts to worry. “Wooyoung, calm down.”

“Where’s my mom—”

“Sweetie?” his mom barges in to the room, followed by his dad and Fei. Wooyoung lifts his head up from the pillow.

“Mom?” He follows every of her movement until she’s standing next to his bed. “Are you okay?”

“Oh God. Thank goodness you’re okay!” she rubs her hand on Wooyoung’s face to feel him. Wooyoung still has no clue of what happened but he does realize all of his family members are here. The twins have woken up and now they’re standing next to Fei— who is in Minjun arms— looking at him with a worried and scared face, while his dad is having a hushed conversation with Doctor Ok. Wooyoung frowns even more, wiping the tears away from his mom’s cheeks. He does remember he wasn’t in a good condition during the wedding and he must have fainted or something, and somehow made everyone worried.

“Mom, don’t cry. I’m fine. It’s just a fever,” Wooyoung tries to comfort her. This makes her whimper and falls on his bed.

“No. No, sweetie. It’s not fine. It wasn’t just a fever. You had a heart attack.”

+

The memory of that night does come back to him; silently and slowly killing Wooyoung with every fragment of memory that comes to him. He had met Nichan at that night of the reception, he remembers it now. He remembers clearly of what Nichan had said as well. He just doesn’t remember exactly when he got the heart attack because he had already started to feel pain the moment Nichan asked him to end his relationship with Nichkhun.

Nichkhun’s getting engaged, he said. Wooyoung feels his chest constricts when he remembers that part of the memory. If he doesn’t want the engagement, he would have said it himself. A part of him doesn’t want to believe Nichan, but the other part of him does think this could be real. If it is, then it’s so cowardly of Nichkhun to leave him like this— without telling him the truth, without saying goodbye and without ending things between them properly. Wooyoung honestly expected better of him.

“Stupid Nichkhun,” he mutters to himself, sounding far too fond than he had intended. Is he angry at Nichkhun? Maybe no. No, not really. If this is what Nichkhun chose for himself, then Wooyoung understands. He will try to understand. After all, Wooyoung knows who he is, where he stands in Nichkhun’s life. When compared to Nichkhun, he is just a nobody. Nichan is right. Nichkhun is still young and he has a bright future ahead of him. Nichkhun deserves only the best amongst the best and Wooyoung is just— he gets that he is not one of them. He is sick and dying and Nichkhun deserves someone better than this.

+

Even though Wooyoung tried sending Minjun and Fei away to their honeymoon, neither of them were willing to leave him and the family behind, and they ended up postponing it to another date in the future. Wooyoung feels bad they had to sacrifice because of him, but he also has to admit he feels glad that they’re near. The family takes turn visiting him, but after a week, Minjun and Fei had to go back to work and they can’t visit Wooyoung as often anymore. Even so, Wooyoung is still grateful that they try to drop by whenever they can.

It’s not like he has anything to do at the hospital and having his mom’s company is far way better than having to spend the day alone, but at the same time Wooyoung doesn’t want her to be at the hospital too much. He doesn’t want her to look at him like this, doesn’t want her to remember she has a sick son, doesn’t want her to get sad. So, now that Wooyoung is getting better— albeit slowly— he took this chance to try to convince his mom to open the bakery again. Of course she is reluctant— very reluctant, actually— to leave him alone but she eventually gives in and agrees after much persuasions. She only opens the bakery for half a day, though, and comes to visit Wooyoung by lunchtime. Wooyoung doubts that she gets any rest at all, but he knows baking will help her distract her thoughts even just for a while. She always tries to looks strong— Wooyoungknows she is strong— and Wooyoung appreciates that, so he tries to look better when she comes to visit.

Just like the other family members, the twins are also Wooyoung’s loyal visitors. It doesn’t matter if they finished cram classes late or if visiting hours have ended— they will always come by with their dad to check on Wooyoung, sometimes even spending the night at the hospital with him. They give him so much strength and energy, so much life and Wooyoung feels glad he’s still breathing.

The bed is probably too small for all the three of them but Wooyoung doesn’t mind sharing it with his little brothers, doesn’t even mind that he’s sandwiched in between them both. He doesn’t feel uncomfortable at all. In fact, he appreciates the warmth radiated from their bodies. Wooyoung remembers fondly of the days when he used to baby-sit Jaebeom and Jinyoung with Minjun, remembers when those two were still tiny and vulnerable, remembers how huge his hands were compared to theirs and how he wanted to protect these tiny angels from harm. Now, the said tiny angels have grown so big, so well. It feels like it was only yesterday when those two couldn’t even reach the doorknob, but look how much they’ve grown— they’re almost as tall as Wooyoung and Minjun now. They’re old enough to know what’s wrong and what’s right, to think for and protect themselves, and Wooyoung is honestly relieved. He can still protect them from harm, but he knows he can’t do much anymore…

“Do you…” Wooyoung whispers. Jaebeom hums and Jinyoung stirs— an indication that they’re already awake and listening. “Do you guys know why God gave you both to mom?”

Jinyoung stirs again. “Umm. Not really?” Jaebeom answers unsurely.

“It’s because,” Wooyoung takes a deep breath in and exhales, closing his eyes. “He’s taking one away from her, so he gave two to make it up for everything she’s about to lose.” The twins turn quiet. Wooyoung feels Jinyoung’s arms tightening around Wooyoung’s waist, feels Jaebeom snuggling closer to him. “Mom’s ageing really fast these days. Be good kids and take care of her for me, okay?”

“Hyung, why do you talk like that?”

Wooyoung smiles. “Just cause. I can’t keep an eye on her anymore because I’m stuck in this place.”

“Hyung.” Jinyoung calls for him after a long moment of silence. Wooyoung hums in response. “I think you’re wrong.”

“Hmm?”

“He didn’t give us to mom so He can take you away from her. He sent us here to protect you, so that there would be more people taking care of you until you feel better again.”

“Is that so?” Wooyoung coos and opens his eyes. Jinyoung nods his head. “You won’t mind looking out for me?”

“Not at all.”

Wooyoung smiles again. His little angels have grown into his guardian angels and maybe, just maybe, just this time Wooyoung will let himself be on the receiving end of being the one taken care of by his little brothers.

A knock on the door interrupts their little moment together. The door slides open, two heads poking in to the room.

“Hi? Are we interrupting something?” Chansung asks, scratching his head. Wooyoung chuckles.

“It’s okay. Come on in,” he invites. Jaebeom and Jinyoung get up from the bed and take their things, ready to leave.

“Hyung, we’ll come back again later, okay?” Jinyoung says. “I’ll bring over new books for you.”

“That’d be nice. Go back home, take a shower and get more rest before coming back here,” Wooyoung says. Jaebeom doesn’t say anything, only parting with Wooyoung after giving him a tight hug. And then they leave, giving some space for the three friends to meet.

“How are you feeling, Wooyoung?” Chansung asks as he approaches the bed.

“Why are people always asking me the same thing when they come to visit me?” Wooyoung jokes lightly.

Junho snorts. “It’s because you’re in a hospital. Seriously though, are you okay? I didn’t—” he pauses to look at the machines monitoring Wooyoung’s condition. “I didn’t think it was this bad. What happened?” He sits down at the edge of the bed near Wooyoung’s legs, while Chansung sits down on the chair.

“Well I—,” Wooyoung doesn’t know where to start. Do they know about his heart condition? Should he tell him about Nichan first? Or maybe divert the question and ask about Nichkhun instead? Ah, Nichkhun… “Why are you guys here so early?”

“Huh,” Junho gives him a look, almost knowingly. He crosses his arms on his chest. “We have something for you, but I’m not going to hand it over until you tell us on what happened to you.”

Wooyoung sighs. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

“I don’t think we’re that close.”

Junho throws him another look. “Seriously now?”

Wooyoung lets out a heavy sigh this time. He remembers what Minjun told him about what happened that night, but how will Junho and Chansung take that news? Will they be okay with it? But they’re friends, right? What’s the use of hiding it away from them anyway.

“I’ve always been sick,” Wooyoung starts. He reaches out for his left chest and presses his palm above where his heart is. “Nichkhun never told you about this?”

Junho and Chansung look at each other and shake their heads. “He never said anything…”

“I was born with a weak heart. It means that my heart has to work harder to pump all the blood into my system. It doesn’t help that I also have arrhythmia as well. When it gets too much, I’m at risk of getting a heart attack. That’s what happened to me that night.”

Chansung widens his eyes. “You had a heart attack?!” Wooyoung nods.

“They said—” Wooyoung frowns and looks down. “They said they lost me for two and a half minute,” he continues in a hushed whisper. “But they manage to save me. I was unconscious for three days before I finally woke up again.

“. It’s that serious?!” Junho exclaims in disbelief. “But you’re okay now, though, right?” His voice is laced with genuine concern.

“I’m okay for now. That night— Junho, that night I met Nichan.”

“What? How— where?”

“He was at my brother’s wedding reception…”

“What did he want from you? Did he do this to you?!”

“No, not exactly. He didn’t do anything. He just told me to end things with Nichkhun.”

“That son of a—. What else did he say to you?” Junho asks some more.

You know Nichkhun’s not coming back, right? Nichkhun’s getting engaged. Wooyoung grabs the hem of his blanket tightly. “He said Nichkhun is getting engaged.” Or maybe who knows, by now he already has.

“He what?!” both of them responded this time.

Wooyoung gives them a small, sad smile. “He’s not coming back. I think there’s no need to look for him anymore.”

“Wooyoung…”

“I’m sorry we couldn’t help you much,” Junho apologizes. He pulls his bag from his back and opens it, taking out a medium-sized wooden box and handing it to Wooyoung. “This is all we have for you.” Wooyoung looks at it questioningly, but takes it into his hand anyway.

“What’s this?”

“We tried asking Jinyoung hyung whether he knew how to find Nichkhun. Unfortunately, he doesn’t, but he’s been keeping this box with him since Nichkhun left. He said Nichkhun gave it to him and asked him to hand it over to us or you,” Chansung explains. Nichkhun…

“What’s inside…?”

“We don’t know. It’s locked.” Wooyoung eyes the box carefully, his fingers brushing on the smooth surface. Seeing the keyhole at the front, Wooyoung instinctively grabs the key hung around his neck.

“We’ll come again some other time, alright?” Junho and Chansung are leaving to give him some time alone to open and see what’s in the box. But what’s actually inside? What if it’s Nichkhun’s farewell latter in there? What if everything will really end once he opens the box? Wooyoung knows maybe it’s already time to accept that reality, but he’s not sure he can do this, not sure if he can end it all like this.

Despite himself, Wooyoung takes off the necklace and inserts the key. It opens with a click and Wooyoung slowly lifts the upper cover up. He stares at the content for a few seconds, before taking it out one by one. They’re mostly selcas of them together, little moments captured and frozen forever in photograph. He takes a picture, the one of them in the car on the way back home from their trip to Busan. He turns it around and sees a note written there:

There’s not even one moment where I said I love you and didn’t mean it, I always did and will always do. I’m not letting you go, so please don’t give up on me either. I will be back no matter what it takes. Please take care.

I love you.

Wooyoung puts it back down with shaky fingers, gripping at the side of the picture tightly. For a second, he forgets how to breathe and had to tell himself to calm down, take a deep breath and let it all out.

Everything does come out.

All the pent-up feelings he held inside for so long, it all comes out in the form of tears. There is relief, but it’s too overpowered by sadness until Wooyoung is not sure on how to feel anymore.

“I really don’t know what to do anymore, Khun,” Wooyoung sobs. “It’s so hard to do this alone. I’m so tired…” He turns into a crying mess, but the arms that were supposed to be there to comfort him never came.

+

Wooyoung reaches for the ring he hung on his necklace, grabbing it tight in his grip. He stares at the window blankly, hearing his heartbeats beeping steadily on the machine. It’s been a month since he was admitted into the hospital and Nichkhun—

Nichkhun never comes back.

Spring is ending soon. So is his life, Wooyoung thinks quietly.