“I think it’s nice that you invited Nichkhun over for tonight’s dinner,” his mom says. Wooyoung hums, settling all the bags of groceries onto the table. Wooyoung loves Christmas and it’s already the time of the year again. He’s excited for this year’s Christmas because they’re celebrating it in Korea, and partly because Nichkhun will be there too. He’s really glad that his parents had said yes when he asked if he could invite Nichkhun over.

“Thanks for allowing it, mom. Just that, Nichkhun lives alone and nobody likes a lonely Christmas.”

“He’s always welcome here,” she smiles and squeezes his shoulder. “Well, I have to get ready to cook now,” she looks around and rubs her hands. She’s closed the bakery right after selling out the cakes and now she has more time to prepare for dinner. Wooyoung would like to help, but thinks it’s better that he doesn’t. He’s not really good at handling stuff around the kitchen.

“You know I’d help, but,” Wooyoung giggles.

She chuckles too. “It’s okay. Is he coming over soon? Then you should keep our guest company,” she adds when Wooyoung nods his head.

“Tell him to look for me upstairs,” Wooyoung tells her. He lets her kiss his cheek and goes upstairs with two glasses of bubble tea in his hands. Wooyoung puts one of the bubble teas onto the coffee table before slouching on the couch and slurping on his drink, thumb pressing on the remote control to switch on the television. It wasn’t long until he hears footsteps softly thumping on the stairs.

“Hi,” Nichkhun bends down in front of him blocking his view, with his hands on either of Wooyoung’s sides on the couch. Wooyoung blinks and clicks his tongue, pressing his palm on Nichkhun’s cheek and pushing him away.

“Get your handsome face out of my sight.”

Nichkhun drops himself next to Wooyoung with a grin. “Oh, you think I’m handsome?” he proudly flips his fringe at Wooyoung. Wooyoung sneers, takes the bubble tea and shoves it to Nichkhun’s hand.

“Shut up. You know very well of how good-looking you are,” Wooyoung rolls his eyes. “Bet people tell you that all the time.”

“First time hearing it from you,” Nichkhun widens his grin. Wooyoung grumbles, but sees Nichkhun’s empty backpack and takes the chance to change the topic. He lifts the limp backpack up and raises an eyebrow at Nichkhun.

“You didn’t have to use this if you don’t have anything to bring here.”

“The content’s all gone,” Nichkhun snatches the bag back. “All the presents are downstairs.”

“You brought presents?” Wooyoung sits up and widens his eyes in excitement.

“Duh, Wooyoung, it’s Christmas. Of course I brought presents.”

Wooyoung’s excitement fades away at that, realizing he didn’t buy any presents for Nichkhun. Well, he did prepare a handmade present but he’s still not sure if he wants to give it to Nichkhun yet. He fidgets slightly, tapping his fingers on the plastic glass and eyes looking everywhere but at Nichkhun.

“What?” Nichkhun pokes Wooyoung on his side to get his attention back. Wooyoung flinches.

“Yeah, about that,” Wooyoung swallows. “I­— umm. I didn’t get you any present.” The smile on Nichkhun’s face falters a little, and Wooyoung feels really bad that he wants to take back what he said. The present is there in his room, nicely wrapped and hidden in his closet but he doesn’t know if Nichkhun would like it, or even want it in the first place.

“It’s okay. It’s already nice of you inviting me here.”

“Are you sad?”

“I won’t if you let me do it.”

Wooyoung blinks in confusion. “Do what?”

It all happens too fast. One moment, Wooyoung’s drinking his bubble tea. Another moment, Nichkhun pulls the straw away from Wooyoung’s mouth and presses a kiss on his lips. “Nichkhun!” Wooyoung says in shock, quickly covering his mouth with his hand.

“I’ll take that as my present,” Nichkhun grins again. It sinks in all too slow for Wooyoung and when he regains his mind back, he hits Nichkhun hard on his arm.

“What the hell! You kissed me!” he hits Nichkhun again.

“I was claiming my present.”

“No, you stole a kiss from me, that’s what you did!”

“What, you didn’t like it? Take it back then,” Nichkhun teases.

“Nichkhun!” Wooyoung shouts in disbelief. He crosses his arms over his chest angrily, his face reddening both from anger and embarrassment. He feels his heart beating fast and stomach fluttering though, the hot press of Nichkhun’s lips on his lingers there.

“Come on,” Nichkhun laughs and pulls on Wooyoung’s arm. “It was just a kiss.”

“Just a kiss? It was my first kiss,” Wooyoung grumbles sulkily, gaining more laughter from Nichkhun. “Stop it!”

“I’m so sorry. I honestly didn’t know. I thought you already had your first kiss. You kissed me the other day, didn’t you?” Nichkhun reminds him.

“Don’t talk to me,” Wooyoung huffs angrily and then traces his fingers on his lips again, muttering a low “But that was a direct kiss on my lips” with a pout on his face.

Nichkhun does stay silent after that even though there’s still some quiet laughter coming out from his mouth. After he calms down, he exhales deeply and says “My first kiss was with my first love” in a fond tone. Wooyoung feigns ignorance and slurps on his drink noisily. “Everyone was wasted when we all started playing spin the bottle. They said mine landed on him so I didn’t even think twice and just kissed him right there.”

Wooyoung stops scratching his ear and turns to Nichkhun. “Him?”

Nichkhun stills and now it’s his turn to drink the bubble tea noisily. It doesn’t seem like Nichkhun will be taking this any further, and whether Nichkhun had planned on telling him this or it had been a careless slip of his tongue, Wooyoung still isn’t sure what Nichkhun‘s expecting from him from this.

“Who was your first love?” Nichkhun asks, breaking the silence again and Wooyoung appreciates his effort. He just has to go along with it so the strange, awkward moment will pass somehow. “Do you have a first love?”

“Of course. Her name was Yeeun,” Wooyoung answers quietly. “But everyone called her Yenny. I never know why.”

“Is she pretty?”

“No. She was beautiful,” Wooyoung smiles faintly at the memory of his first love. “Gorgeous smile, with a big heart and a big dream. She had the loveliest voice, especially when she sang. On the same dates every month at the small church around the hospital.”

“You met her at the hospital?” Nichkhun turns to his side, facing Wooyoung as he listens to him closely. Wooyoung sighs and nods his head. “Was she….?” Nichkhun trails off. Wooyoung nods again.

“Leukemia,” he explains shortly. “That’s what I heard from the people around me. Yeah, yeah I know,” Wooyoung rolls his eyes knowingly, seeing the look on Nichkhun’s face. “I never talked to her. Never had the courage to. She’d smile at me every time she saw me around, and I’d just smile back without saying anything.”

“What happened then?”

Wooyoung sighs heavily. “That day right before we flew to US, when I went to the same church to hear her sing again, it was to a funeral being held there. It was hers. Even if I couldn’t really confess how I really felt about her, I wish I would have at least told her my name.”

“That’s pretty….sad,” Nichkhun offers sympathetically. Wooyoung shrugs.

“What happened to you?” he asks carefully. Nichkhun tenses.

“If you must know, well, we dated and played around and…let’s just say we were both young and stupid, and things didn’t go as well as we hoped so we broke up.”

“Mmm,” Wooyoung hums, nodding his head slowly as his mind wanders off on its own again. Nichkhun is a charming person and it’s no surprise that he naturally attracts a lot of girls to him. But with that look, personality and family background, Wooyoung should have known Nichkhun would be able to attract as much guys as well. He doesn’t like the idea though. Of how there’s probably a lot of people that have their eyes set on Nichkhun. Is this jealousy or? But most importantly, why is he feeling this way?

“What are you thinking about?” Nichkhun asks, breaking his thoughts. Wooyoung snaps and blinks his eyes rapidly, clearing his throat as he drinks his bubble tea again. “Did I creep you out?”

“Huh?”

“Are you looking at me in a different light now? I’d understand, honestly,” Nichkhun chuckles tiredly. “I’ll just— I’ll leave,” he gets up from the couch.

“Where are you going? Dinner should be ready in a couple more hours,” Wooyoung grabs Nichkhun’s backpack tightly to stop him. “Please stay. I want you here.” Nichkhun looks at him with doubtful eyes, but sits back down anyway.

“Just be honest with me, Wooyoung. It’s okay if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore.”

“Nichkhun, why would I want to stop being friends with you? Because you like guys? You know I would never judge you for being who you are.”

“Don’t lie. Not a lot of people take this very well.”

“Then I’m the very few of them that do,” Wooyoung says. He can’t say that he’s taking this hundred percent well, but he doesn’t feel strange or uncomfortable about it either. He’s just a bit surprised, and maybe a little honored too, that Nichkhun trusted him this much to be telling him something so personal like this matter. “Look, Khun. I—,” Wooyoung frowns, desperately trying to find the right things to say. “You know I’m not good at this. I can’t offer….comforting words but that doesn’t mean I support or like you any less.”

Nichkhun plays the straw with his fingers, fidgeting on his seat. He looks okay, but not necessarily comfortable with the situation. He looks like he’s trying to find the right words to say too. “I didn’t intend to tell you about this, and even if I were, not this soon anyway. I guess it just comes out naturally. The urge to tell you things instead of hiding them away from you.” Wooyoung feels his heart thumping loudly at that.

“But why?”

“I…don’t know. I mean, we’re friends, right?”

Friends. Of course. “Yeah.”

“I treasure you and our friendship a lot,” Nichkhun confessed. “So don’t worry, okay? I won‘t do anything stupid that will ruin our friendship. Like...falling in love with you or something. That kiss…I was just joking because I‘m that comfortable with you.”

“Yeah, don’t fall in love with me,” Wooyoung laughs nervously, playfully nudging Nichkhun on his arm, ignoring the sting he feels knowing that Nichkhun thinks the idea of him falling in love with Wooyoung is a stupid thought. “Why would you fall in love with someone like me anyway?”

Nichkhun throws him an unexplainable look but Wooyoung doesn’t expect him to say “You shouldn’t fall in love with me either”, of all things. But it lightens up the situation a little, so Wooyoung‘s grateful of it the same.

“No, I won’t. Puh-lease,” Wooyoung bursts out laughing, a little awkward and fake and broken, and Wooyoung can’t explain why he’s suddenly feeling like this. Nichkhun shoots him another look, just as broken and yearning for something Wooyoung can’t put his finger on. Wooyoung tries to assure Nichkhun with a smile. “Don’t worry. It‘ll never happen.”

“Yeah, highly impossible. You like girls and we’re friends and I should be helping you get girls instead. I know a lot of people I can introduce to you and, and—,” Nichkhun rambles and then takes a very deep breath in. “Love….Love should be shared between a guy and a girl. It’s just morally right and normal like that.”

“I guess,” Wooyoung says vaguely. I guess you’re right. I guess we’re all trying too hard to fit in. I guess you can think and do whatever you like.

I guess it’s not that I won’t fall in love with you, I just don’t think I can afford it.






Dinner went surprisingly well, and Wooyoung doesn’t know how but things between him and Nichkhun just naturally and easily becomes normal again, like nothing ever happened just before that. Right before retreating back to their own respective rooms, Wooyoung eyes the box of present from Nichkhun, arranged nicely under the well-decorated Christmas tree in their living room. When all the lights are out, he sneaks back downstairs to take the present and runs back up as silently as he can. Hiding himself under the blanket, he shakes the medium sized box next to his ear trying to get a hint of what’s inside. There’s no sound coming from it at all, and it’s strangely super light as well. Wooyoung wonders what’s inside as his fingers slowly and carefully unwraps the box. He folds the wrapping paper nicely and puts it aside, settling the black box right in front of him. He opens the cover and takes a peek inside before removing it completely.

“What the hell, there’s nothing inside?” Wooyoung hisses, hands grabbing the shredded paper filling the box. “Ugh, Nichkhun are you playing with my feelings?” Wooyoung complains, grabbing his phone ready to send hateful comment to him when he finally sees the blue paper at the bottom of the box. He takes it out and uses the light from his phone to see the message written on it:

Merry Christmas!
I know you want to go to a concert, so come to this one with me? =]

Wooyoung flips the folded blue paper to see another paper slid in between, eyes widening and mouth falling open in disbelief.

Urban Zakapa live in Seoul
February 11, 2012
Section C Row 05/11

Wooyoung tries not to shout over the phone but fails to contain his excitement as soon as he hears Nichkhun’s voice on the other end.

+

It’s ridiculous how Wooyoung suddenly has a full list of things he wants to do. The things just keep adding and piling up, and he only completes it with Nichkhun because somehow it’s easier like that than working on it alone. Nichkhun knows what he wants in his life, knows what he wishes to do and how to achieve it. Wooyoung likes that Nichkhun has a way of figuring out what other people would want to do as well, and it’s very helpful for someone lost like Wooyoung. It’s the reason why he’s always with Nichkhun, but sometimes Wooyoung thinks it’s just an excuse he used to hang out with Nichkhun more. It’s a little scary how a couple of months ago, Wooyoung didn’t really like Nichkhun and had wished to keep a distance between them but now he’s already gotten so used with having Nichkhun around and they’ve grown more attached than Wooyoung would have allowed them to be.

Wooyoung’s not sure how he feels about having Nichkhun around. He doesn’t understand it but he thinks that maybe it’s a late appreciation and gratefulness to Nichkhun for coming into his life and bringing a little color to replace his dull monotone surrounding. Sometimes, though, Wooyoung feels the familiar flutter of his heart and in his stomach whenever Nichkhun’s standing or sitting too close to him, when his hug lingers a second too long, or when their fingers accidentally brush against each other‘s. It’s the same feeling he’d get whenever he saw pretty, pretty Yeeun walking down the hospital’s corridor, when she sang with her beautiful voice and flashed her blinding smile. Only that, this one feels so much stronger and it builds more everyday so easily from all their meetings, interactions and talks. It’s scary and confusing, and just how is he able to feel like this for another guy? His mind reminds him it’s wrong, but his heart tells him otherwise. Is this temporary and will he be able to get over it?

“Yah,” someone interrupts his thought, and Wooyoung feels a flick of a finger on his forehead that immediately causes him to fall back against the mattress in mild pain.

“Owww,” Wooyoung rubs his forehead, one eye shut closed while the other tries to see who his attacker was.

“What are you daydreaming about? It’s already bedtime,” Minjun says.

“Pfft,” Wooyoung protests, but he’s already slipping under the blanket and finding a comfortable position on his pillow. Minjun sits at the edge of the bed.

“You’re almost always out in the day so you should get enough rest at night.”

“I know, I know,” Wooyoung yawns. He doesn’t get trouble sleeping at night that often anymore, and the activities he does earlier in the day only makes it easier for him to sleep the exhaustion off at night. Doctor Ok said it’s good that he doesn’t feel too fatigued too often anymore and encouraged Wooyoung to keep doing whatever he’s doing because it’s obviously beneficial to his own health. It only helps a little though, but a little is already considered a luxury for someone as sickly as Wooyoung is.

“Goodnight then,” Minjun smiles and pats Wooyoung’s head, getting up and ready to leave when Wooyoung calls for him again. “What?”

“Nothing. Stay here until I fall asleep.”

“Which isn’t gonna be that long,” Minjun chuckles.

“Which means it’s not gonna take so much of your time and effort.”

“Okay, okay I’ll stay. Go to sleep,” Minjun his fingers in Wooyoung’s hair as he sits back down on the bed. Wooyoung contemplates a little and in his sleepy state, decides to ask anyway.

“When do you think it’s okay to be selfish?”

“Hmm?” Minjun his head to the side in askance. “Why? What is this about?”

“I think I want something that’s not even meant to be mine in the first place,” Wooyoung whispers, fingers curling tightly at the hem of his blanket. He’s still not sure of this feeling, but he understands that he does want it to stay. He’s scared and intrigued, but he wants to know about it more; this feeling he has for Nichkhun, and this weird attraction between them. Wooyoung’s mind goes back to last Christmas eve, to their conversation, revelation of Nichkhun’s past and that kiss, and Wooyoung wonders what are the chances of Nichkhun feeling the same, of him going through the same confusion and sleepless nights thinking about it. But then again, Wooyoung remembers how Nichkhun’s a person who knows what he wants, and if Wooyoung’s one them, he’d probably already say something about it. But no, Nichkhun never did. The chances are probably really low or zero at all.

“It’s selfish, right?”

“It’s not wrong,” Minjun says. “Everyone’s selfish when it comes to pursuing their own happiness.”

“So, is it okay?”

“It’s mostly understandable. I mean, who doesn’t want to be happy?”

“But happiness...isn’t always about chasing what we want or getting the things that we have always wanted in our lives, right?”

Minjun smiles. “Maybe. Happiness comes in all sorts of different forms. It requires a lot of sacrifices. If you’re being selfless in everything, you tend to lose more than you gain. But you’ll learn that what you want is not what you need and all your needs are the only ones you should focus on. You’ll learn true happiness when you’re fully accepting and grateful of what you have.”

“If I accept the fact that it’s not meant to be this way, if I let go, will I be able to move on? Will I be able to be happy again?”

“Are you not happy right now?”

“I am,” Wooyoung admits. “Just, something feels hollow,” he presses his hand on his chest. “Like something’s missing and everything feels so incomplete. Hyung, I’m happy. Just not...fully content.”

“You already know what’s missing,” Minjun smiles again. Wooyoung avoids his gaze.

“I think I know but I’m scared because I can never be sure if this is what I need for a long period of time, or if this is just a temporary feeling that will end too soon.”

“If it’s meant to be, it’ll find a way back to you somehow even long after you let go of it.”

“You really think so?” Wooyoung yawns again, his eyelids slowly drooping down.

“Yeah,” Minjun convinces. “I’m pretty sure of it. Maybe you don’t really have to try so hard to seek for happiness, maybe it’s already there right in front of you all this time waiting for you to welcome it in.”

“This is getting all too confusing for me,” Wooyoung mumbles, eyebrows knitted into a slight frown. He hears Minjun chuckling.

“Means sleepy sleep time for you then.”

Wooyoung still has a lot of things playing in his mind but somehow everything blanks out easily as he finally dozes off to sleep after mumbling a “goodnight” to Minjun.