a/n    so.....hi? i guess? wow. it's really been a while. this story's been going on for 5 years and the last update was 2 years ago. 2!! omg. BUT ANYWAY. i apologize for being on hiatus for a while, and i can't promise i'll be writing consistently again after this chapter but well. i just felt like continuing and updating this fic hehe. seeing the comments and rereading them again really moves me and warms my heart. thank you so much for reading and liking my story. really, i can't thank you guys enough <3

if you're here to read khunwoo, then i am sorry to disappoint because this chapter and the next chapter will focus more on wooyoung and his family haha. so yeah. nichkhun won't show up in this chapter. just thought i should let you know.

Wooyoung thinks about it—more often than not— about how life would be if he had been healthy (Would things be easier for the family? Would he be happier?), about all the things that he could do if he wasn’t at risk of dying. There’s a heavy feeling in his heart whenever he thinks about it, a longing to want to have a different future, a longing to have more control of his body to do the things he’d always wanted to do ever since he was small— a race with Minjun to go back home from school, chasing around cute puppies at the park, playing under the rain with the neighbourhood kids, learning how to dance and entering contest at festivals. There’s just so many things he couldn’t do, couldn’t experience like any normal guy his age—a privilege denied off him the moment he was diagnosed with his sickness.

Wooyoung loves his family so much, though— a blessing he is always grateful of. He doesn’t like seeing them suffering because of his sickness, but at the same time, he is more than glad they never give up on him. He doesn’t know what would become of him if he didn’t have them in his life, doesn’t even want to think of it, but, well. That’s just how it goes when you think— your mind wanders off from one thought to another, a neverending cycle that keeps Wooyoung awake at nights like this.

The sun has risen when Doctor Ok comes to visit, hours after Wooyoung’s morning check up. The grin on his face is always wide, cheeky and almost sleazy—almost— that Wooyoung reflexively rolls his eyes at the young doctor when he shows up in Wooyoung’s ward that morning.

“How are you feeling today?”

“Did you shower?” Wooyoung answers with another question. Doctor Ok’s—or Taecyeon hyung as he would like to be addressed by Wooyoung— hair was messy after a long, busy night dealing with works and stress, his round glass barely covering the bags under his eyes. He shoves one hand into the pocket of his white coat while the other one is used to flip the papers of Wooyoung’s progress chart.

“Didn’t have time for shower,” Taecyeon widens his grin and puts the chart away, lifting his gaze up to look at Wooyoung and shoving his other hand into his pocket.

“You don’t have time for anything,” Wooyoung rolls his eyes again. “Come on, did you even close your eyes for a nap these past couple of days? It’s not good to skip on sleep.”

“Why do you sound like you’re the doctor here?” Taecyeon snorts. “Did you even sleep last night?”

Wooyoung feels his cheeks burned with embarrassment from being caught doing the thing he’s reprimanding other people about. “Well, at least I tried.”

“Mhmm,” Taecyeon acknowledges cautiously. “What’s keeping you awake at night? Does it hurt somewhere? Are the medicines making you feel uncomfortable?”

“No,” Wooyoung sniffs from the cold, unsurely but uncaringly adds in: “I don’t know. I’m just thinking about a lot of things. That’s all.”

“What sorts of things?” Taecyeon tries to pry in more and Wooyoung lets him. Wooyoung shrugs at first, and then asks the question he’d asked Taecyeon before: “What are the chances I’m getting a heart donor?”

“It’s not…” Taecyeon sighs, using his finger and thumb to pinch the area between his eyes. Wooyoung knows the chances are low, but he wants to hear it from Taecyeon himself as some sort of closure. He wants to accept the fact, wants Taecyeon to accept it, too, and that it’s okay. Taecyeon did his best— everyone’s done their best and maybe it’s just time to let it go. “It’s complicated. We need a heart from recently deceased person, and your blood type has to match. The owner has to be a registered donor, too, and…the waiting list. That damn waiting list…”

Wooyoung gives a small smile. “How far am I in the waiting list?”

Taecyeon sighs again, and shakes his head, not wanting to tell Wooyoung. It doesn’t matter to Wooyoung anymore, anyway, so he doesn’t prod further.

“Listen, it’ll be my little brothers’ birthday in sixteen days. Can I get your permission to go home?” Wooyoung says after a while. “Actually, can I go home on weekends?” He’s getting bored, tired and sick of the hospital. He’s missing the warmth of their home, the smell of fresh breads, cakes and pastries, the voices and presence of all of his family members within his reach. He doesn’t know if it’s okay to be away from the monitoring machines and professional help, doesn’t know if he’s allowed to leave but he’s willing to try. “It’s the only thing I want right now. Please,” Wooyoung pleads when he sees the hesitance in Taecyeon’s face at his request. “I’ll rush back here immediately if I’m feeling sick or anything. You know it’s only a few blocks away.”

Taecyeon gives a tired chuckle but then he sighs deeply and nods his head, the next thing he says only makes Wooyoung grin: “Alright. I’ll consider it.”

+

Saturday morning, Wooyoung wakes up to the familiar sound of his mom preparing breakfast and the delicious smell of her cooking. With his eyes still closed, Wooyoung sighs in contentment and smiles. He listens to the sound of their house slowly coming to life, waits for people to check on him until someone finally knocks on the door and walks up to him on the bed.

“Wooyoung-aa,” his mom’s soft voice greets his ears, her hand his hair. Wooyoung wants to sink deeper into the mattress at how comfortable he is right now. The bed is so much nicer than the one they have at the hospital, the temperature of the room is just right and how Wooyoung likes it, and the sounds in the house more familiar and soothing for once. “Sweetie, good morning. Are you awake?”

“Mhmm,” Wooyoung answers with a hum and flutters his eyes open. “Good morning.”

His mom returns Wooyoung’s smile with her own and presses a kiss on Wooyoung’s head. “It’s time for breakfast. Let’s eat together.”

“Okay,” Wooyoung agrees. He sits up on the bed and stretches his arms before heading to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth, and then to the kitchen together with his mom where everyone else is already waiting for them.

“Good morning, hyung!” Jinyoung greets cheerfully while Jaebeom gets up from his chair to help Wooyoung.

“Morning, sunshine,” Wooyoung greets back and gets a huge grin from Jinyoung in return. He shifts his gaze on the table as he is sitting down and widens his eyes in surprise at how much their mom cooked for breakfast this morning. “Are we having a feast?”

“Fei and I didn’t know what to cook, so we cooked everything,” their mom chuckles, gaining laughter from everyone as well. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Wooyoung that all of the foods are his favourite. Wooyoung reminds himself to give his mom a hug later on.

Minjun enters the kitchen still in his pyjamas and gives a huge smile at everyone at the table. “Good-mor-ning!” he says, stopping to ruffle his three little brothers’ hair with every pause in syllable, making their hairs messier just like his. “Fei will join us in a few. She’s still getting ready for work.”

“I’m here!” Fei interrupts a moment later, appearing from the staircase and walking to her seat on the table. “Good morning everyone!” In return, another chorus of “good morning” fills the kitchen before everyone starts digging in their food. “So what are you guys going to do today?” Fei asks an open question to the four siblings.

“Hmm,” Wooyoung considers. He scoops the rice in his bowl with a spoon and puts a meat on top with the chopstick on his other hand. Then he feeds it to Jinyoung, asking “What should we do today?” Jinyoung eats the food happily but asks the question back to Jaebeom.

“I don’t know,” Jaebeom shrugs. He watches Wooyoung scooping another spoon of rice with meat on top, his eyes glinting with joy when Wooyoung feeds him too. “Should we play video games?”

“Ohh, we can~ but Minjun hyung is so bad at those,” Wooyoung giggles indiscreetly to the twins. Jaebeom and Jinyoung try not to laugh in agreement, but fail to hold in their own giggles.

“Yah, yah, yah,” Minjun widens his eyes at his younger brothers, but doesn’t deny or try to defend himself. “Eat your foods!”

“Ne, hyung~” the other three says in unison, with Wooyoung eating the food Minjun is feeding him with.

“Let’s go out in the afternoon,” Wooyoung suggests after chewing and swallowing the food. “Play basketball or something.”

“Don’t be late for dinner!” Fei chimes in. “I’m cooking tonight too. We appreciate extra help around here,” she says, throwing playful, pointed look at Minjun.

“Alright, alright, I hear you, babe,” Minjun smiles and pats Fei’s arm. It makes Wooyoung smiles seeing them too.

“Don’t worry, noona. I’ll help you, too.”

“No, all you have to do is rest and eat,” Fei waggles her finger at Wooyoung.

“Heol,” Wooyoung says. Of course no one will allow him to exert unnecessary energy doing something. He should’ve have known that, but was expecting he could do something and be useful for once. He feels like he’s rested enough and even got bored of it. “Come on, I can wash the vegetables or something.”

“Hyung, you just have to play with us~”

“But I want to spend time with noona, too,” Wooyoung pouts. The other family members laugh at him but Wooyoung knows no one will say no to that. He grins when Fei indeed says, “Alright, you can help around. If you do anything funny, I’m sending you out of the kitchen.”

“Oh, so cruel,” Wooyoung feigns sadness. “Hyung, you married a cold-hearted woman,” he jokes, and eats the food Minjun feeds to him again. In the end, he doesn’t have to eat himself as Minjun gladly does the job of feeding him.

They finally manage to play video games after the twins set up the television and game console they got from the second floor to the guest room downstairs, which Wooyoung will be using most of the time during his stay at home. Since his condition isn’t very good, it’s best for him to not use his energy as much as possible, and by not having to walk up and down the stairs will help him plenty. Wooyoung also thinks this is for the best (even though he misses his own room), since he won’t cause hassle to his family this way.

None of the three brothers have showered yet after breakfast that morning, but they continue to play the video games happily in their pyjamas set. Wooyoung’s having a good time, doesn’t even remember when was the last time he felt this happy and carefree, and so makes him cherishes the moment even more. He feels sorry sometimes that he couldn’t spend time with the twins, and that their parents probably worry more about him and give less attention to his younger brothers. He’s trying his best to make it up for them by giving them the attention and love and laughter that they deserve.

Inevitably, exhaustion crashes on Wooyoung that causes him to lean back on his bed and unable to play the game anymore. Jinyoung and Jaebeom continue playing, however, almost unaware of Wooyoung’s condition. They’re sitting on the floor and leaning against the bed, their boisterous laughter the only thing that keeps Wooyoung from falling asleep. He watches with heavy-lidded eyes and a smile on his face. It’s always unbelievable how much they’ve grown over the years and Wooyoung feels it’s a bit regretful if he couldn’t get older together with them.

His gaze shifts to the door where Minjun’s looking at him. Wooyoung doesn’t know how long he’s been standing there but is feeling too tired to ask. Minjun gives a faint smile and then walks up to their younger brothers. “Yah, yah,” he says, turning the television off and gaining whiny protests from the twins. “Aren’t you going to shower? Go shower! It’s almost noon!”

“Hyung~”

“Go shower,” Minjun repeats himself, voice urging and slightly stern at the same time. Jinyoung pouts and turns the game console off before they both turn around to see Wooyoung. Wooyoung only smiles at them apologetically seeing the slight frown on their face, as if they had only notice Wooyoung’s exhaustion right then. When they send him their own apologetic look for keeping him awake and for being oblivious of his condition, Wooyoung chuckles and tells them it’s okay.

“Let’s play again later, okay?” he says. The twins beam and nod their heads, before excusing themselves out to get a shower.

“You don’t have to push yourself too hard for all of us,” Minjun says. He fixes the blanket on Wooyoung and combs Wooyoung’s hair away from his face. “If you’re tired, you can tell us.”

“I’m okay,” Wooyoung sniffles. “I just need a quick nap.”

Minjun gives a knowing smile. “Okay,” is all he says and Wooyoung drifts off to sleep almost instantly.

A quick nap turns into a full slumber because when Wooyoung wakes up again, it’s already dark outside and inside the house. He feels slightly confused because his brain has yet to register where he is and what the current day and time is. He takes a deep breath in and out, and turns around from facing the wall to find the digital alarm clock. The red numbers show it’s quarter past two in the morning.

Wooyoung sighs and yawns into the blanket that smells like home. Slowly, his blurry mind regains focus again, connecting the dots inside his head and reminding him he is home for the weekend. He remembers he had breakfast with his family, played video games with his younger brothers and then falling asleep. He also remembers they were supposed to go out that afternoon and helped Fei with dinner preparation, but it seems like Wooyoung had slept throughout it all.

“So useless,” he mumbles to himself in annoyance, even more so when he realizes he has to use the toilet. With a heavy sigh, he sits up on the bed, and then finally noticing the futons on the floor. He narrows his eyes to see clearer and realizes they’re his younger brothers. One of them stirs and Wooyoung holds his breath, not wanting to wake any of them up, but the brother pushes the blanket away from his face anyway and lets out a groggy, “Hyung?”

“Shh,” Wooyoung shushes Jaebeom, motioning it by pressing his finger on his lips and the tip of his nose. He points at the still sleeping Jinyoung but allows Jaebeom to sit up and face him.

Jaebeom yawns and scratches his nape. “Do you need anything?”

“Shh,” Wooyoung shushes Jaebeom again and then whispers, “I need to use the toilet. Can you help me?” Jaebeom nods his head and gets up to help Wooyoung.

“Hyung, are you hungry?” Jaebeom asks after Wooyoung’s finished his business and they’re about to move back to the bedroom. Wooyoung presses his hand on his stomach as if he could determine whether he’s hungry or not that way.

“Yeah, a little bit,” he decides in the end.

“Mom left some food for you. I can heat them up if you want,” Jaebeom offers.

“That would be nice,” Wooyoung smiles, and so they head to the kitchen. After sitting Wooyoung down on the chair, Jaebeom gets the containers out from the fridge and heats them in the microwave. Wooyoung watches silently and can’t help but smile.

His younger brothers are a loud pair, but Jaebeom is the quieter one amongst the twins and also more mature when compared to Jinyoung. He understands and accepts things quicker than Jinyoung does, and a very responsible brother to all of them, especially to his younger twin. Just like how Wooyoung is proud and thankful to have Minjun as his brother, he feels the same towards Jaebeom and Jinyoung.

“You and Jinyoung and Minjun hyung will always be my greatest gift, do you know that?” Wooyoung lets Jaebeom knows how he feels about them. Jaebeom stops arranging the containers on the table and looks at Wooyoung. “Mom and dad and Fei noona, too. I am so blessed to have all of you.”

Jaebeom smiles and takes a sit next to Wooyoung. “Thank you, hyung. We are so blessed to have you in our lives, too.”

“Oh?” Wooyoung raises his eyebrows and starts eating. After the first bite, he realizes he’s hungry after all and eats more. “Is that so?”

Jaebeom nods. “Of course! You teach every each and one of us a lot of different things, even if you’re not aware of it, hyung.”

Looking at Jaebeom, Wooyoung chews slowly and then swallows and smiles, too. “My little one!” he ruffles Jaebeom’s already messy hair.

“Hyung, I’m not a little one!”

“Oh, you once were,” Wooyoung smiles again, slightly wistful. “You used to be,” he gestures his hand to the height level of a toddler and continues “—only this tall. And now you’re all grown up,” he chuckles and ruffles Jaebeom’s hair again. “Little brothers, they grow up so fast. Stop growing up so fast!”

“Hyung, you sound like mom,” Jaebeom giggles.

Wooyoung takes another few more bites and it isn’t long before he feels full. Jaebeom cleans up everything and puts them back into places, with Wooyoung only able to watch since Jaebeom wouldn’t let him do anything. By the time they get back to the bedroom, it’s already quarter to three in the morning but neither Wooyoung nor Jaebeom feels sleepy.

“Where did you guys go?” Jinyoung startled both of them with his question.

“Jinyoung? Did we wake you up?” Wooyoung asks.

“No. I had to use the toilet, but only realized hyung and Jaebeommie weren’t here after I got back,” Jinyoung explains.

“Ah,” Wooyoung says. He’s sitting down on the bed and then gets an idea. He takes his pillow and blanket and moves to the futons on the floor. “I’ll sleep with you guys here tonight,” he declares as he puts his pillow in between his brothers’ and lies down. Jaebeom also gets back to his place.

“Welcome~” Jinyoung giggles. “There’s plenty of room for you.”

“Thank you,” Wooyoung giggles back. He puts his blanket on and waits for the warmth to settle in. “Do you guys wanna talk for a bit? I’m not sleepy yet.”

“Yeah, I’m not sleepy yet either.”

“Me, too.” “Hyung, we’re so sorry about this morning. We didn’t even notice you were tired.”

“That’s okay. I could’ve said something but I didn’t because I enjoy your company. It’s always so quiet and boring at the hospital. It’s a nice change for once,” Wooyoung assures. “Did you guys go out to play basketball?”

“No. It’s no fun going without you, hyung.”

Wooyoung chuckles. “Well, we definitely have to go tomorrow then.”

“Yeah, we have to. It’s been quite a while…” “Hyung, hyung,” Jaebeom then shakes Wooyoung lightly before hugging him from the side. “Do you remember? When we were kids, Minjun hyung would buy us chocolate bun if we behaved well. He only had enough money to get one so we always had to share.”

Wooyoung laughs at that because he does remember it very fondly. Minjun would often skip his lunch just so he would have money to buy his younger brothers snacks. The chocolate bun was their favourite but since he only had enough to get one, they often had to share between the four of them. Most time, though, Minjun would sacrifice and let his younger brothers have it all. He truly was—and still is— the best brother they could ever have.

“It’s amazing you still remember that. Weren’t you two or three years old around that time?”

“I remember because it was the best chocolate bun I’ve ever had,” Jinyoung says. “Sometimes, I feel like I can still taste it.”

“Me, too,” Jaebeom agrees. “Ahh, wouldn’t it be nice to have it again one more time?”

“I wonder if they still make those buns and sell them. Maybe we can ask Minjun hyung to bring us there,” Wooyoung suggests.

“Oh, that would be nice! But…do you think mom would be sad about it? She makes chocolate buns, too, and sells them at her bakery.”

“She’ll understand, I’m sure! We love her chocolate buns, too. Nothing wrong with wanting to taste something from the past.”

“You’re right, hyung. Mom will always be the best baker and our favourite.”

Jinyoung moves closer to Wooyoung and slips in under his blanket, hugging Wooyoung from his other side as well. Wooyoung feels warm now, the good kind, and very comfortable in the arms of his brothers. “This reminds me we used to always go out on a picnic on weekends before…”

“Yeah. Now it feels like everyone’s busy with something, right?” Jaebeom asks Jinyoung, whom only nods as an answer.

“Aww,” Wooyoung coos, feeling slightly bad because he knows why the family barely has time to go on a picnic like they used to. If Wooyoung was feeling healthy enough, he’d personally take them out for a picnic even if it’s just at the small field across of the house. But it wouldn’t be the same if many of the family members couldn’t make it. The field is too small to ride a bike around, the wind at the area isn’t good enough to fly a kite and the view is too plain. If only I could provide better things for them, Wooyoung thinks bitterly. “Your birthday is coming up real soon. Why don’t we ask mom and dad to take us out on a picnic?”

“Do you think they will say yes?” Jinyoung asks with a quiet voice, followed by a yawn. He seems comfortable and sleepy now in the way he snuggles closer to Wooyoung. It makes Wooyoung smiles, makes him remember back in those days when little Jinyoung and little Jaebeom used to fall asleep on his chest.

“I think they will, if you ask them sooner,” Wooyoung says. The twins fall into a thoughtful silence, and Wooyoung is almost convinced that they had fallen back asleep, but when the door to the bedroom is carefully pushed open, both Jinyoung and Jaebeom lift their head up to see who it is.

“I thought I heard some noises in here.” It’s their mom peeking from behind the door. The room is dark and the bright light in the hallway is only making it harder to see her face clearly, but Wooyoung thinks he can hear the worry in her voice. “What are you guys doing up so early?”

“It’s okay, mom. I just had to use the toilet and went to eat something with Jaebeom,” Wooyoung explains. Jaebeom confirms with a hum and lays his head back down on the pillow, while Jinyoung is already making himself comfortable again next to Wooyoung.

“Do you need anything else?”

“No, thanks. We’re all good. Sorry we woke you up.”

Their mom dismisses what Wooyoung’s said with the wave of her hand and walks further into the room to where the futons are. “Go back to sleep. It’s still so early. I’ll make you guys pancakes for breakfast later,” she fixes the blanket on them and presses a kiss each on their foreheads.

“Pancakes sound good.” It’s funny how Wooyoung actually feels sleepy now and judging by how quiet his brothers are, they must feel sleepy as well, or have fallen back asleep. “I’ll see you in the morning,” Wooyoung says, eyelids drooping closed.

“Sleep tight, sweetie.” Wooyoung offers a sleepy smile before he falls asleep, joining his brothers in dreamland.