The day Wooyoung finally takes a step to work on his list, it was on Minjun’s birthday.

“Where are you?” Wooyoung asks as soon as Nichkhun picks up his call. Nichkhun answers with a croaky voice.

“I’m on the bu— oh , I think I missed my stop!” he says, sounding a little panicky. Thumps of footsteps and muffled voice followed after, before Wooyoung can hear the loud roar of the bus’s engine at the background leaving the place and moving away from the scene.

“Did you fall asleep in the bus again?”

Nichkhun clears his throat. “Apparently,” he says, seemingly distracted over something.

“Where are you now?”

Nichkhun stops and then chuckles in amusement. “You’re not going to believe this.”

“What?”

“I probably missed at least five stops from my usual one, and now I’m umm few minutes away from your house?”

“On usual days, I’d probably say you’re just making up excuses to come and hang out with me but I’m going to let it go today. Come here anyway, we have stuff to do.” Wooyoung stands up from the couch and walks towards Minjun’s bedroom.

“What kind of stuff?” Wooyoung hears him yawning on the other end.

“You’ll find out when you get here. See in you in five then. Bye!”

“Wait—” Wooyoung hangs up on the call and pushes his hand on Minjun’s bedroom door.

“Hyung-nim,” Wooyoung greets. Minjun briefly looks up from his table and then goes back to his work.

“Oh, Wooyoung-ah,” he greets back. “What is it?”

“Give me money,” Wooyoung holds his hand out. Minjun chuckles.

“What do you need it for?” Minjun asks, but he’s using one of his hands to reach out for his wallet anyway. Wooyoung approaches him with his arm stretched out.

“I need money to buy your birthday present,” Wooyoung answers bluntly. Minjun laughs and shakes his head.

“How much do you need?” Minjun opens his wallet and counts the won he has. “Yah, are they baking cake for me downstairs?”

“All that you’ve got,” Wooyoung cranes his neck to get a clearer view of the content of Minjun’s wallet. “And yes, they are. Hyung, you have to at least pretend to be surprised this time,” Wooyoung tells him.

“You know I’m bad at acting,” Minjun sighs, burdened. He takes a few won and slaps them on Wooyoung’s palm. “They won’t let me go downstairs until it’s dinner time. Talk about being so secretiveabout their plan.”

“I say, more time for you to work on your acting then.” Wooyoung counts the money and slips them into his back pocket. “Got to go! Nichkhun is probably already downstairs.”

“Nichkhun, Nichkhun, Nichkhun,” Minjun shakes his head in resignation and goes back to his work again as Wooyoung walks out of the room. True enough, when he gets downstairs, Nichkhun is already there, helping his younger brothers make the icing cream for Minjun’s supposedly surprised birthday cake. They each have the cream smeared on their faces. How Nichkhun managed to get it on his face, Wooyoung would never know.

“You didn’t tell me it’s your brother’s birthday today,” Nichkhun says.

“It’s my brother’s birthday today,” Wooyoung deadpans. He takes a tissue paper and slaps it lightly on Nichkhun‘s cheek. “Get that icing off your face, Khun. Now let’s gooooooo.”

“Where are we going?” Nichkhun puts the bowl down and wipes his cheek as Wooyoung impatiently tugs on his sleeve, forcing him to come with him.

“Out. Finding a present for Minjun hyung.”

“Oh, okay,” they step out of the place. “What are you getting him?”

“Hmm, I don’t know. Let’s go find something at the toy shop.”

“Toy shop?” Nichkhun laughs in disbelief. “Isn’t he too old for toys?”

“You don’t stop playing because you’re old. You’re old because you stopped playing,” Wooyoung quotes. Nichkhun snickers.

“I wonder what toys you’re referring to, though.” Wooyoung lets go of his fingers on Nichkhun’s sleeve and looks at him in a mix of disapproval and disgust.

“Mind out of the gutter, Khun.”






Wooyoung already knew beforehand that there’s a new hair salon opened next to the toy shop. Now, he might have planned this but it’s the fact that he’s with Nichkhun that he’s actually finally getting the courage to do it.

“You’re really going to do to this?” Nichkhun asks, squinting his eyes and looking up at the name of the hair salon.

“Yes,” Wooyoung confirms. He’s feeling a little nervous, or is that excitement? Maybe a little bit of both. He’s never tried dying his hair before and he’s always been stuck with the same hair style and color -short jet black hair with long side-swept fringe- for years, so he wonders how he will look like with a new style. “I think it’ll be a really great surprise for Minjun hyung.” Nichkhun mirrors Wooyoung’s grin on his face.

“You bet.”






“Why did you have to dye your hair too?” Wooyoung pouts as they walk out of the salon. He’s got a shorter haircut now and a bleached hair, and personally he thinks he looks good in it until he sees Nichkhun with his own new hair. Nichkhun bleached and dyed his hair to strawberry blonde, and Wooyoung thinks it’s unfair how ridiculously more good-looking Nichkhun is now.

“Didn’t want to wait doing nothing, so might as well,” Nichkhun explains, combing his hair with his fingers trying to look for the right style. In the end, he leaves it all messy like that. Wooyoung doesn’t tell Nichkhun how nice the color of his hair is, and neither does he admit openly on how good Nichkhun looks with that hair. He’s not sure why he’s having this thought, but it’s probably just his jealousy striking again and Wooyoung tries to ignore it as much as he can. Wooyoung takes out the remaining money he has.

“I think we can still buy something for Minjun hyung.” Wooyoung pushes the door to the toy shop open and starts looking around. He never knows what to buy for Minjun for his birthday but one thing he knows for sure is that he’s never picky with what his younger brothers buy for him. They bought him pajamas before, even bought him a set of chopsticks with spoon and fork, and then there was also that one time when they bought him cheap magic pens. But Minjun is always thankful for their effort, always gives them the brightest smile as he reminds them “You guys are the greatest gifts I could ever ask for.” Minjun is cheesy and sentimental, and he gets worried too much but Wooyoung is more than grateful to have him as his brother and no one else’s.

“So much toys,” Nichkhun comments, absentmindedly touching everything he sees and everything he can reach with his hand. He picks up a Rubik’s cube and tries to solve it as he follows Wooyoung around. “Can you solve this?”

“No,” Wooyoung says, half sighing and half singing, like a patient parent entertaining the antics of their three year old son. It’s not that he hasn’t tried solving the cube, but he’s gotten bored with it pretty quickly and since then abandoned it somewhere in his old items box. Nichkhun doesn’t ask, so Wooyoung doesn’t bother explaining either. Instead, he goes for the soft toys section. He smiles widely when he sees a huge panda plushy. “Yah, look at this.” Wooyoung takes the panda plushy and aligns it with him so Nichkhun can see them both. Nichkhun looks over at them with curiosity, hands stopping from moving the cube. “Don’t we look alike?” Wooyoung asks, blinking his eyes exaggeratedly to emphasize his point that they both have the same circles under their eyes. It’s a poor attempt at joking, Wooyoung knows, but a smile eventually curls on Nichkhun’s lips.

“I think you’re cuter,” he says. Wooyoung has something witty to say back to him, but he knows it’s not a great time to do so especially when he notices the soft, sad tone in Nichkhun’s voice and the dull ache in his gaze. Wooyoung clears his throat, checks the price and walks to the cashier when he finds out he can afford it with his remaining money.

“I’m not cute,” Wooyoung responds. He takes out his money and pays for it, bowing his head at the cashier when she thanks him for his purchase at the shop.

“Yes, you are. Need help?” he ends the topic by offering to carry the plushy for him.

“Nah, I’m fine.” Wooyoung lifts the plushy up and hugs it close to his chest. Nichkhun hugs the plushy around its middle and takes it away from Wooyoung anyway.

“I’ll let you carry it when we’re almost reaching home,” Nichkhun quickly says to stop Wooyoung from arguing. The day is getting dark and dinner should be soon, so Wooyoung saves the time by not bickering and actually focusing on getting back home on time.






“How do I look?” Wooyoung asks nervously, patting on his hair and styling them back to shape with his fingers.

“Cute~,” Nichkhun teases. Wooyoung playfully threatens to hit him with his arm, but Nichkhun doesn’t flinch a tiny bit. Instead, laughter slowly bubbles up from his throat. “You look good. I think they will like it!” Nichkhun answers encouragingly.

“You think so?” Wooyoung asks again, skeptical. What if his parents don’t like it? Will he get in trouble? But then Minjun will probably save him, right? But what if Minjun hates it too……..

“Of course!” Nichkhun hands him back the plushy and Wooyoung takes it, covering his face at the back of the panda’s head. “Are you ready?”

“I think so…?”

Nichkhun pushes the door open, carefully guiding Wooyoung in so he doesn’t hit anything while he can’t momentarily see his front view, not with the plushy blocking his sight. Wooyoung can hear there’s already sound of chaos in the kitchen, of Jinyoung and Jaebeom bickering, of his father trying to break off the fight, of his mom settling the plates on the table, of Minjun asking “Where is Wooyoung?” openly. He gets a little bit nervous as they get nearer to the kitchen.

“I’ll enter first,” Nichkhun suggests. Wooyoung only nods his head.

“Oh, Khun hyung is here,” Jinyoung says.

“This is so wonderful. Nice of you to join us!” their mom says joyfully. “Where is Wooyoung?”

“Oh, he’s here. He has a surprise for the birthday boy,” Nichkhun announces. When the kitchen suddenly grows quiet, Wooyoung takes it as a cue for him to come in.

“Yah, it’s a panda!” the twins cheer. Wooyoung can hear Minjun laughing and clapping his hands, and it brings a smile on Wooyoung’s face too.

“Hyung, happy birthday!”

“Aigoo, our Wooyoungie~ Thank you!”

“Wooyoung, sweetie, why are you still hiding?”

Wooyoung takes a deep breath in and pulls the plushy down. He is rewarded with a loud gasp and mouths gaping at him in astonishment and disbelief.






“Do you like it?” Wooyoung forks the cake and puts it into his mouth, munching as he slightly shifts to the side when Minjun touches his hair.

“I’ll like it if you do,” Minjun says.

“I do!”

“I do too!” Jinyoung interrupts. “Hyung, you look really cool,” he compliments, his thumbs up for extra measure.

“The color looks nice on you,” Jaebeom agrees. They eat their cakes, hitting each other when they try to steal each other’s cake portions.

“I think you look really nice, Wooyoung,” Minjun says, sincerity in his smile and gaze. His voice is quieter so only the two of them can hear.

“Thank you,” Wooyoung beams. “I hope you like the panda too,” he pats his hand on the panda’s head which was seated at the other chair at the end of the table.

“Of course! You two look the same!” Minjun chuckles.

“I know right?? Nichkhun doesn’t think we look alike,” Wooyoung scrunches his nose and then laughs.

“Well, too bad he can’t see how cute you are then~”

Wooyoung’s laughter slowly dies down. Actually, Nichkhun said I’m cuter than the panda, Wooyoung wants to tell but doesn’t say it in the end. Nichkhun probably said it to be nice. He silently shifts his gaze to Nichkhun sitting in front of him. Nichkhun’s so focused in having conversation with their parents, throwing opinions here and there and then laughing at some of their dad’s lame jokes. Nichkhun briefly glances at Wooyoung and wiggles his eyebrows at him when their gazes meet, before returning back to the conversation. The edge of Wooyoung’s mouth twitches into a small smile. He’s actually glad and kind of grateful that Nichkhun can join them this year. Would it be asking too much to want Nichkhun to be here again for his birthday? Wooyoung lets the question linger around the back of his mind.

+

It’s not unusual for Wooyoung to not be able to go to sleep at night. He gets nauseated from all the medication he takes and feels the need to throw up every few hours so sometimes, he doesn’t even bother trying to sleep. When he was younger, he’d seek comfort from his parents or Minjun, but now that he’s a little older, he learns not to bother them too much especially when he knows they’d get limited energy to do normal things the next day from staying up and taking care of him the night before. They told him it was a sacrifice they’d be willing to make, but Wooyoung doesn’t want to burden them anymore as much as he already has.

He hears and feels his heart palpitates as he rushes to catch his breath. Sometimes, it’s kind of scary of how fast his heart is beating, like it’s threatening to burst out of his ribcage. He gets really tired too and he hates it when he’s not able to do a lot of stuff in this condition. He tries not to focus too much on it, grabbing his phone on the table and opening a new text box.

What’s up? he types, fingers shaking too much the phone almost slipped from his hand. It’s only when the message has been sent that he realizes it’s already so, so late at night. He doesn’t expect a reply but even though it’s late, the phone eventually buzzes. Wooyoung wheezes in shock and unlocks his phone, eyes narrowed a little from the bright light from the screen.

Now? Me, obviously.

Wooyoung feels sorry -he really does- but he was only trying to find a distraction until his heartbeat returns back to normal (or close to that) that he didn’t realize it was almost quarter past two in the morning. He really didn’t mean to disturb and wake Nichkhun up from his sleep, so he sends an apology text to him along with Go back to sleep. Talk to you tomorrow?

I’m fine. Why did you text me? Is everything okay? comes the fast reply this time.

I’m okay. I just can’t sleep. Wooyoung says. It must have been unconvincing enough that he ends up getting a call from Nichkhun exactly sixty seconds later.

“Wooyoung?” comes Nichkhun husky voice. Wooyoung swallows thickly, gripping tight the cloth on his left chest and taking a deep breath in and out before replying.

“Hmm?” he hums, not really trusting his voice yet at this point. Nichkhun must have caught the tremble in his voice anyway.

“Are you alone?”

“Everyone’s asleep,” Wooyoung says. He doesn’t know why he’s whispering. There’s just something about the silence that he’s afraid of touching, like something inside of him might shatter along if he breaks it. “Nichkhun?”

“Wooyoung?” Nichkhun calls back.

“Nichkhun, do you believe in God?” Nichkhun stays quiet, only his breathing can be heard on the receiver. He’s hesitating, and somehow Wooyoung gets the idea.

“Why do you ask?”

“Nothing. It’s okay. Doesn’t matter,” Wooyoung chuckles, his shallow breathing slowly working back to normal.

“But you do, right? Believe in God?”

“I do,” Wooyoung smiles softly. “but what if there’s no afterlife? What if there’s no Heaven and Hell?” Wooyoung breathes in deeply and loosens his grip on his shirt. He closes his eyes and concentrates on the sound of Nichkhun’s voice and breathing on the other end.

“Then where do people go when they die?”

“If you don’t believe in God, you don’t believe in these things either, do you?” Silence. “Tell me where do you think people go to when they die?”

“I—” Nichkhun hesitates, and suddenly he’s whispering too. “I believe that when people die— maybe. Maybe….they don’t just die. Maybe they’ll just vanish into oblivion.”

Wooyoung thinks it’s kind of sad but somehow he finds comfort in that too. If people die, maybe it would be better for them to be forgotten than just bring sadness to the people they left behind. Wooyoung’s not sure if he wants his family to forget him though. He knows it’s impossible for them to forget him, but somehow, somewhere in their lives, they have to learn to move on and by then he’ll be nothing more than just a distant memory in their minds. “Will you forget me too?”

“Why do you say that?”

“I just want to know if you’re going to forget me.”

“No. I mean. Why do you ask me that? You’re not dying. You’ll be okay. So why would I forget you? I‘ll bother you everyday, mark your existence in my life and mine in yours so you won‘t forget me too.”

“Right.”

“I don’t want to forget you. I don’t think I can and want to…”

Wooyoung feels his heart flutters, but he can’t tell if it’s the aftereffect of his heart condition or something else. He settles in for the first guess because why would his heart flutter for Nichkhun anyway? It doesn’t even make any sense.

“That’s….nice. I guess,” Wooyoung yawns and turns on his side.

“As expected, I always make you feel better.” Wooyoung tsks but thanks him quietly anyway. “Go to sleep.”

And Wooyoung does so, very easily right after they say goodnight and hang up on the call.