a/n     i'm sorry this is just a very short update. i've written chapter twenty three and was stuck for a very long time. it wasn't going anywhere so i had decided to take a different approach to this story. i know i said this would be the last chapter? but it's not hahahah. and i honestly don't know when i'm going to end this. i'll try to work on it, though. 

It’s been exactly three weeks since Wooyoung was admitted to the hospital, but nothing’s changing for the better.

Ironically, Wooyoung’s health deteriorates even more once he left home and stayed at the hospital. They’ve done countless of tests on him, given him so many new medicines in hope to find something to help his heart stay alive and beating longer. That way, they can have more time to look for suitable donor but it’s proven to be useless when Wooyoung’s body seems to reject all of the new medicines.

The new medicines are bringing nothing but bad side effects to Wooyoung. Wooyoung is sick and tired, is tired of being sick all the time. The bad mood swing is back and it comes along with dangerous feelings of anger and depression. Wooyoung is not sure why he’s still here, why they’re doing this and why is everyone wasting so much time and energy on him. He can’t think clearly, can’t think of other people’s feelings; most time, his behaviour is always threatening to break whatever relationships he has with the people around him. He doesn’t know how everyone is so patient in dealing with him, but is too tired to care when he’s busy drowning in hate and self-pity.

Today is one of those days Wooyoung woke up with a tantrum. He refuses to go to therapy, refuses to eat his meals and especially take in his medication. He’s done with his sickness, done with his life and just so done with everything. He wants to go to sleep and never wake up again.

“Wooyoung, please, don’t be like this,” Minjun pleads. It’s his turn to look after Wooyoung today. Wooyoung knows his brother is tired— he knows more than anyone how it feels like to be so tired— but he just can’t bring himself to care. All he knows is that he’s feeling so hopeless, the road to recovery a dark path for him to take, and all he wants is for all of it to be over.

“Go away, hyung,” he says tiredly, energy draining from all of his tantrum episodes. “I’m not hungry.”

“You still have to eat for you to take in your meds,” Minjun tries to persuade. “Please, just eat something.”

Everyone is so persistent when it comes to him taking his meals and medicines on time, and in all honesty, Wooyoung is annoyed of it. What’s the use of eating the meds anyway? They’re not helping him get any better. All they’re doing is wasting his family’s money.

“How many times do I have to tell you, hyung? I’m not hungry.”

“Wooyoung—”

“Hyung!” Wooyoung shouts with what’s left of his energy. “Please. Just go.” He doesn’t look at Minjun, afraid of what emotion he’ll see playing on Minjun’s face. He just doesn’t feel like eating and only wants to be alone, why can’t Minjun see that? Why does he have to take this way to send Minjun away?

“I’m gonna go get some lunch,” Minjun finally says. Wooyoung doesn’t miss the quiver in Minjun’s voice and he hates himself just a little bit more. Wooyoung hears Minjun shuffling away from the bed, followed by the door sliding open and close. Silence consumes again, the beeping of his heart from the machine echoing in the room. All he has with him now is Snowy sitting on the chair next to his bed. He reaches his hand for Snowy’s, before tiredly sitting up and taking the teddy bear into his embrace. It’s raining again today, the room dull with no sunlight penetrating through the window.

“I miss you,” he says quietly as the thoughts of Nichkhun come into his mind. It’s also been three weeks since he had last seen Nichkhun. Fei had told Wooyoung that Nichkhun did try to look for him a few times, but after a while, he just stopped coming altogether. Apparently, according to Fei, the last time she saw Nichkhun, he had told her that he was leaving Korea soon. “Maybe he’s already left,” Wooyoung thinks to himself, and that’s why none of them had seen him around anymore. “It’s for the best,” he nods with determination, trying to convince himself. His heart doubts that, but he’s just going to pretend to believe this is exactly what he wanted for himself.

+

Wooyoung hates therapies. Supposedly, they’re meant to make his heart gets stronger and better but at the end of the day, they only deplete his energy. Wooyoung hates feeling tired, grumpy and useless but that’s all he ever is ever since he was admitted into the hospital.

Entering the sixth week, there’s no more anger left in Wooyoung. He still gets irritated and sulky at every single thing but he tries to keep it in check by busying himself with mostly sketching and listening to music. Most of the time, though, he’s left so exhausted to even hold a conversation with anyone so he just lies there on his bed hoping the time would pass quicker and for his energy to replenish again.

He’s already on the brink of sleep when the sound of clicking door resounds in his ears and hazy mind. Wooyoung can barely open his heavy eyelids— blinking once and twice but his vision remains blurry so he gave up and closed his eyes shut again. The sounds of footsteps are getting nearer to where he is and stopping just right next to his bed, and Wooyoung manages to pull a slight frown on his face.

“Hyung?” he says—or wanted to say but only his mouth is moving without making any sound. There is no respond. However, Wooyoung feels fingers threading into his hair softly; gentle touches that make Wooyoung sighs in content and relaxes immediately. They’re familiar, these touches. Not from his mom nor Minjun, but just as loving. It reminds him of long conversations at nights, entwined fingers and the sweet taste of bubble milk teas, warm bed shared with someone, heart-fluttering kisses that make him go weak in the knees.

It reminds him of Nichkhun.

He thinks it is Nichkhun, but he’s pretty sure this is a dream as well— a figment of imagination his mind conjured up from being too tired and missing Nichkhun too much.

“You are so selfish.” Now he’s hearing things, too. He’s hearing Nichkhun and even feeling a soft kiss on his forehead before sleep finally consumes him.

In Wooyoung’s dream, he’s having a conversation with Nichkhun. Or rather, he’s hearing Nichkhun talking to him.

He finds it annoying he’s feeling just as fatigued in his dream as he is when he’s awake, so he grunts his uncomfortable away and shifts a little, stopping dream-Nichkhun from talking midway. “Are you okay?” he asks.

Wooyoung blinks his eyes open and takes time to adjust his blurry vision. He sees dream-Nichkhun looking at him with worry in his eyes so Wooyoung offers a small smile to assure him he’s okay. He realizes dream-Nichkhun looks different (although he can’t really point out what exactly), but still as handsome as he remembers him to be. He grabs dream-Nichkhun’s hand and gives it a light squeeze.

“I miss you,” Wooyoung says. He doesn’t want to be careful with his words. In his dreams, he can say whatever he wants to say. “I miss you so much.”

It takes a while for dream-Nichkhun to break the silence, but when he’s finally about to, darkness takes over Wooyoung again even before he could hear anything dream-Nichkhun wanted to say to him.

There are three factors that make Wooyoung sure it’s already a new day when he wakes up. First, it’s how groggy he feels after a long sleep. Second, it’s the unusually cold temperature in the room at early mornings. Third and the last, it’s the quiet hustle and bustle outside of the ward with nurses and doctors switching shifts, getting ready for morning checkups and rounds. He’s getting slightly annoyed from all of these— the heavy feeling clouding his mind, the freezing cold biting down deep to his bones and noises that are starting to build a headache— so the first thing he says when the nurses come in is “Everyone needs to shut up and turn off that damned air-conditioner.”

“Good morning to you, too, Wooyoung!” nurse Kwon cheerfully greets. As always, whenever Wooyoung complains about the cold, they only fix the blanket on Wooyoung’s body instead of turning up the temperature of the aircond. It’s nurse Changmin and Sunmi who are on duty with Kwon today, both of them silent but dutifully checking up Wooyoung’s condition while Kwon is chatting away as he pulls the curtains open. The sun is not out yet, and by the look of it—lingering heavy, dark clouds— it isn’t going to anytime soon.

“By the way,” Kwon turns around to look at Wooyoung, hands on his hips. “Who is that handsome visitor of yours?”

Wooyoung rolls his eyes and tries to sit up with Sunmi’s help. “Are you talking about Minjun hyung or my dad? Back out, Kwon. They’re married men.”

“Heol,” Kwon’s lips curl in distaste. “Do you think I’m that kind of guy? I won’t go after married people.”

“Are you referring to my little brothers then?” Wooyoung asks with a raised eyebrow. “They’re still babies compared to you, okay.”

“They’re cute, but not them!” Kwon shakes his head and helps Wooyoung to go to the bathroom to clean himself up. Nurse Changmin and Sunmi had already left to check on other patients so it’s just Kwon left with Wooyoung now. Kwon hands a new set of clothes to Wooyoung before closing the door shut and says “I’m talking about the one who just left this morning.”

“This morning?” Wooyoung asks back. As far as he remembers, he did not have any visitors, but then again he was mostly asleep yesterday so he couldn’t be really sure. If anything, he would be convinced it was either one of his brothers or his dad. “You’ve never seen him around before?” Wooyoung has to raise his voice a little because of the sound of the water running down from the tap.

“Nope,” comes Kwon’s short reply. He’s saying something else after that but Wooyoung can’t really hear him.

“What?” Wooyoung asks back as he closes the tap and begins brushing his teeth. He tries to hear for response but he’s not getting any so he figures Kwon probably left to do something. By the time he finishes washing his face with warm water and changing into new clothes, he’s becoming dizzy and getting out of breath. He takes a seat on the chair they brought into the bathroom for him and waits to calm his breathing again. Just a few days ago, they had discovered his lungs might be suffering because one of the medicines he took. Since then, Wooyoung stopped taking any new medicines and is to stick to his old ones instead until they figure out what was causing these abnormalities to his lungs, and if it had anything to do with his heart condition or if he had developed it separately. Minjun had been very angry at them for being so careless and for putting Wooyoung’s life at risk, but Wooyoung himself hadn’t expected any better of his health. Lately, he’s strangely calmer when it comes to his health. Maybe he’s just tired, maybe he’s more accepting of his condition, or maybe he’s just ready to come to terms with his fate.

Maybe, he’s all of the above.

Wooyoung refuses to go to therapy today because he doesn’t want to end up getting tired and spending the day sleeping again. He had stated his reason of denying therapy calmly this time around and surprisingly, they let him off. They probably know better by now not to make Wooyoung lose his temper, or they’re probably just being lenient today. Either way, Wooyoung doesn’t want to give much thought into it.

It’s strange none of his family members come to visit yet even when visiting hours are open. Usually, his mom would be here by now to bring breakfast and eat together with Wooyoung. Sometimes, Fei and Minjun would drop by before going to work, but today, Wooyoung doesn’t see them even after he gets back from strolling around the hospital in his wheelchair with Kwon.

“Have you seen my mom today?” Wooyoung reaches for his phone and gets in bed, helped by Kwon. Kwon hums thoughtfully and then shakes his head, pulling the covers over Wooyoung. Wooyoung uses Snowy as pillow and leans back against the puffy plushie so that he’s still kinda sitting but in a more relaxing position.

“I haven’t,” Kwon tells him. “I told you you had a different visitor this morning.”

“Hm.” Wooyoung’s hum was non-committal. He doesn’t think much about what Kwon says as he’s busy making a call to his mom instead. He waves Kwon off and mouths a thank you to him when his mom answers the call after the second ring.

“Hello?” she says, voice laced with concern. “Sweetie? Are you okay? What happened?”

“Mom,” Wooyoung sighs into the receiver. “I’m okay. But where are you? Are you coming over today?”

“Oh,” she sighs as well, with so much relief. “Oh, thank God,” she laughs nervously and then swallows. “Yeah, yeah I am. I am packing your brunch now. Sorry I’m late. There was a parents-teacher meeting at Jaebeommie’s and Jinyoungie’s school today.”

“How did it go?” he asks out of courtesy, not really curious of the answer. He listens to what she has to say, gaze drifting to the window. The dark clouds are still there but showing no sign of pouring the rain yet. “I think it’s going to rain soon,” he says.

“Yeah, I think so, too.”

“Don’t forget your umbrella,” Wooyoung reminds her. “And your sweater.”

“Alright. I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

“Okay,” he nods. Not that she could see him. “Love you.”

“Love you more,” she says fondly and hangs up the call.

It’s not his mom who walks in to his room about fifteen minutes later; it’s someone not really unexpected but still very surprising for Wooyoung to see. His eyes widen just slightly as the visitor comes in, the expression on his face is hard to read. Wooyoung’s thoughts race to his dream yesterday and to what Kwon told him this morning. He begins to wonder if it had really been a dream and if this is the visitor Kwon was talking about.

The visitor stops right at the end of Wooyoung’s bed, settling his cup of Starbucks coffee on the overbed table. He looks different and older than his age in that sleek business suit, his hair short and neat, and face slimmer than the last time Wooyoung had seen him. He has dark circles under his eyes and from this up close, Wooyoung can identify the exhaustion on his face. Wooyoung is worried and concerned but the only thing that came from his mouth is: “What are you doing here, Nichkhun?” When Nichkhun only lets out a heavy sigh, presses his fingers on his forehead and rubs his thumb on his temple, Wooyoung adds “How long have you been here?”

“I can’t believe this,” Nichkhun starts. “No matter how much time I spent staying up all night trying to understand, I just—,” he lets out a humorless chuckle. “I—. How could you do this to me?” he asks. Nichkhun’s not meeting Wooyoung’s gaze, but that’s okay because there’s already so much hurt and betrayal in Nichkhun’s voice, and Wooyoung knows he’s not ready to handle it playing in Nichkhun’s eyes.

“Why are you here?” Wooyoung asks back, surprised by how calm and cold his voice is. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“You’re not answering my question.” “You know, you don’t get to say you love me and then just walk away from me and expect me to leave without coming back, ever. It doesn’t work like that.”

“It should have worked like that.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want you here.”

Nichkhun looks hurt at that, his eyebrows knitting together and lips pressed into a thin line as he tilts his head up to look at Wooyoung. “Why?” he asks again.

“Get out.”

“Why?!”

“Because I don’t want you to look at me like this!” Wooyoung blurts, glaring at Nichkhun, who stares back with widened eyes. But he doesn’t hold Nichkhun’s gaze for long as he looks away immediately seeing the tears forming and threatening to fall from Nichkhun’s eyes. “Just go away.”

“You are so selfish,” Nichkhun decides after a while. The same voice, the same tone Wooyoung had heard just yesterday. So, it could have been Nichkhun last night. Nichkhun could have been there all night with him last night talking to him as what he remembers, but the memory’s all fuzzy and Wooyoung can’t recall the contents of his talks. He thought it had been a dream. Just how much had he been saying things to Nichkhun thinking it was a dream and that it didn’t matter anyway? “You are so selfish and you are being very unfair to me throughout this whole thing.”

Wooyoung swallows. “Just go. Please.”

“See?” Nichkhun’s laughter sounds broken now. “I don’t get it. Why do I have to go?” he grits his teeth. He seems angry, unwelcomed, frustrated and confused all at the same time. Wooyoung wants nothing more than to just pull Nichkhun into his arms and comfort him, but he knows he’s in no place to do so. “It’s okay if you don’t want to be with me anymore,” he says, not looking the least convincing as he sounds. “Just stop trying to push me away and cut all connections with me. It hurts, okay? I cannot and do not want to be left out of this. I want to be here with you, too. For you. Even just— as your friend.”

“You don’t belong here, Nichkhun,” Wooyoung bites his lower lip and refuses to look at Nichkhun. “You’re not supposed to be here. You don’t deserve to be stuck in this place with me when there are so many things waiting for you out there.”

“I don’t care,” Nichkhun presses with frustration. “I want to be here. With you. God. Why are you so stubborn and refusing to accept that?”

“I—,” Wooyoung wants to say but pauses when his gaze moves towards the door sliding open and his mom walking in. Nichkhun takes a sharp breath in and rubs his hand over his face. Looking up and seeing there’s a visitor, his mom stop midway and stares at Wooyoung, then to Nichkhun and back to Wooyoung again.

“Who is th— oh! Nichkhun!” she acknowledges when Nichkhun turns around to greet her. She quickly walks over and settles the bag of food on the overbed table. “Did you just get here? I brought some extra foods, we can eat together?”

“Uhm, actually, I was just about to leave,” Nichkhun gives a small, shaky smile. “You go on and have a meal with Wooyoung. I—,” he glances at Wooyoung and back at her. “I’ll just come again later.”

“What? Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I have…other things to take care of. See you around,” he says and hugs her briefly before walking out of the room without looking back anymore. Both of them watch Nichkhun leave, and then Wooyoung releases the breath he’s not sure when he had been holding in.

“He was just visiting,” Wooyoung says to his mom, shrugging when she looks at him with an inquiring look. It’s not the answer she was looking for, obviously, but she doesn’t prod any further. She takes out the containers filled with food and arranges them on the table. “Must be busy with work. When did he even start working? Is he working??” Wooyoung chuckles, continuing to talk just so he wouldn’t breakdown.

“I haven’t seen him for a while,” his mom says quietly. “He’d look for you at home, you know? When you first started moving into the hospital. Did you not tell him about this?” Wooyoung takes the spoon offered to him and shakes his head solemnly. She pushes the overbed table closer to Wooyoung, and then rubs her hand down Wooyoung’s back as he started eating. “Why not, though? Aren’t you guys friends?”

Wooyoung doesn’t know how to explain his relationship with Nichkhun to his mother, so he just stays quiet. “It hurts me to see you like this. You’re in pain. You’re in a lot of pain and not only because of your sickness. I can see Nichkhun is not doing any better either.”

“Mom…”

“Wooyoung, I am your mother. Mothers always know. I’ll still love you no matter what and it will never change.”

Wooyoung swallows the lump down his throat and stuffs his mouth with foods when he feels his vision turning blurry from the tears. He tries to swallow the sob along with the food when they threaten to escape his mouth. Wooyoung leans onto his mom on his side.

“Why do you guys have to suffer like this?” she presses Wooyoung closer to herself and his hair. No one will understand why he did what he did, heck, even he himself thinks it’s a stupid idea to be away from Nichkhun when he knows better he wants nothing more than to have Nichkhun by his side. But it’s something that needed to be done. He knows it won’t be easy to be with a sick person. He doesn’t want to put Nichkhun in pain, doesn’t want to constantly hurt and break him. Maybe one day, Nichkhun will understand that.

I’m just scared, Wooyoung thinks to himself. I bid a silent goodbye to Nichkhun now because I don’t and I won’t know how to do it later.

Tears trickle down Wooyoung’s cheeks and dampen his mom’s shirt. If she feels it, she doesn’t say anything about it.