Wooyoung turns onto the left side of his bed, pulling his blanket closer up to his chin as he stares outside of his bedroom’s window. There isn’t much he can see from this view but the sky’s a calming and pretty shade of baby blue. It’s a little chilly in the room, so he welcomes the warm sunlight greeting the lower half of his face. He stays like that for a while, appreciating and dreading the silence at the same time. A few minutes later, Wooyoung hears someone knocking on the door and without bothering to give the person his consent, he lets them open it.

“Sweetie, are you awake?”

“Yes, mom…” He hears her shuffling closer and then her weight dips on the mattress behind him.

“Are you going to stay in bed all day?” There’s a smile in her voice, her hand found his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. Wooyoung shifts onto his back so he can look at his mom.

“I don’t…feel so good,” Wooyoung says. It’s not just an excuse he made up to stay in bed— it’s actually very true. Wooyoung hasn’t been feeling well these days. Although he’s not experiencing anything bad like getting headaches, sore throats and runny nose, it’s the kind of unwell where one would feel cold and tired, and doesn’t have energy to move or appetite to eat.

“Not feeling good?” his mom asks, her eyebrows creasing into a worried frown. Her hand quickly moves up, touching and checking the temperature on different parts of his face and neck. “Oh my. Sweetie, you feel a little hot,” she says. “Let’s get you to the doctor, okay?”

Even though Wooyoung thinks it’s probably nothing serious, seeing the slight panic on his mom’s face makes him nods his head obediently. She helps Wooyoung change and then drives him to the nearby hospital— they have intentionally settled in a place closer to the hospital for situation like this— after closing the bakery.








“It’s just a fever, nothing serious,” Doctor Ok informs them. His hand’s busy jotting down prescriptions on the paper. “You’re feeling okay, though, right?” he asks to make sure, glancing his eyes at Wooyoung in a brief moment. When Wooyoung presses his hand on his left chest and casts his gaze down, Doctor Ok actually stops writing to look at him. “Wooyoung?” he inquires.

“Sweetie, are you okay?” his mom asks when Wooyoung doesn’t respond to the doctor’s call.

“Hmm?” Wooyoung finally looks up, as if just realizing he’s here at the hospital. Doctor Ok’s looking at him curiously, patiently waiting for Wooyoung to answer his question. Wooyoung presses his hand one last time before putting it back down on his lap. His heart is in pain, but it’s not something he can explain to neither his mom nor the doctor. Wooyoung gives a small smile and a nod of his head. “I’m okay.”

“That’s good to know.” Doctor Ok goes back to writing and closes the file, handing the prescriptions to Wooyoung’s mom. “The weather is most probably the cause of your fever, but it could also be because of stress. Anxiety is one of the most common effects of stress and that‘s not good for your heart. Although your heart seems fine and it’s in its most normal condition right now, I suggest you to take plenty of rest and eat your medicines. The fever shall go away soon.”

“Thank you, doc.” After saying thank you and greeting goodbye, the mother and son pair leaves the room.







While his mom went to the pharmaceutical center to get his medicines, Wooyoung waits alone in the car. The radio’s playing a hit song that Wooyoung does not recognize, the crazy beats bringing nothing but headache to him. Wooyoung leans forward and lows down the volume with a feeling of slight irritation, slumping back down on his seat to get a comfortable position. He ends up leaning the side of his head on the window again, staring at the scenery outside. The season’s changed, the blooming of cherry blossoms hinting the arrival of spring. Amidst it all, the only thing that remains the same is Wooyoung’s heart, and also the fact that Nichkhun’s no longer there with him.

Wooyoung sighs and fishes his phone out from his pocket. After snapping a picture of the street lined up by the cherry blossom trees, he sends it to Nichkhun.

it’s beautiful, isn’t it?, he sends a follow-up text. Wooyoung stares at the screen, as if by doing so will get him a quick reply from Nichkhun. He doesn’t. Wooyoung looks at it sadly as the light goes off, tapping his thumb on the screen to activate it again.

I miss you.

Right at the same time Wooyoung puts away his phone, his mom comes back with a small paper bag filled with his medicines.

“Alright, let’s head back home,” she announces as she puts her seatbelt on. “We still have a bunch of stuff to take care of for your brother’s wedding.” Wooyoung only manages a faint smile on his face. “What do you wanna eat for lunch?”

“I’m not hungry.”

Hearing Wooyoung’s answer, his mom pulls the handbrake up again, shifting to the side a little to face Wooyoung. “What’s wrong? Do you feel sick again? Should we head back to the hospital?”

“No, mom. I’m okay,” Wooyoung assures.

“Are you sure?” Wooyoung doesn’t answer immediately. He knows he’s not okay but he just doesn’t know how to say it. “Sweetie, I know your brother’s busy these days and he doesn’t have time to talk with you, but you know you can always tell me anything too.”

This is something that Wooyoung knows very well, of course. But unlike Minjun, his mom doesn’t really know of his relationship with Nichkhun and that somehow complicates things. But Wooyoung’s getting so tired and he just needs someone he can talk with, and right now his mom is by the far the most trustworthy person he can talk to about anything.

“I—” he starts, rather unsurely. His mom grabs his hands as if giving him strength that encourages him to continue. “I’m okay. I miss Nichkhun, is all,” he whispers the last sentence, scared and embarrassed of what his mom might think of him. Instead of getting a scold or a long lecture, his mom only squeezes his hand.

“Did you try contacting him?”

Wooyoung nods. “I did but he’s not replying. What if something bad happened to him…”

“I’m sure he’s fine, sweetie. Maybe he’s just busy and hasn’t found the time to call you yet.”

Wooyoung tries to smile. “Yeah, maybe…”

“Now you have to eat, okay? You have to be healthy so you will have energy to talk with Nichkhun when he calls you.”

A genuine grin appears on Wooyoung’s face. Although he’s almost twenty-one now, his mom still treats him like a kid sometimes. He plays along, only because he knows she’s worried about him and only wants to take extra care of him. Wooyoung really doesn’t mind.

“Okay,” Wooyoung agrees. He turns the volume up again when the DJ plays a 2PM’s song. “I want to eat noodles. Any kind.”

“Noodles…” she echoes, pulling the handbrake down and moving the car out of the side parking. “How about pasta instead? What do you think?”

“Pasta! I love pasta…” Happy and relieved to hear Wooyoung’s answer, she smiles.

+

The weather’s still a bit chilly, but warm enough for Wooyoung to go and stay outdoors. Wooyoung’s leaning on his folded arms behind his head, staring at the sky and clouds moving around. He slowly gets up and sits on the picnic mat, pastries of different kinds neatly arranged on the tray. He reaches for his sketchbook and pencil, turning to a new page and tapping the end of the pencil against the paper. It’s his yet another new sketchbook, pages still all blank and empty, since his old one had gone missing. Wooyoung suspected that Nichkhun had took it but when he asked him about it, Nichkhun doesn’t answer.

Nichkhun hasn’t been replying to anything, anyway.

The thought dampens Wooyoung’s mood. Sighing, he puts the sketchbook away and aimlessly looks around the field. He briefly peers at the bakery from over his shoulder, and true to his expectation, his mom is checking up on him from inside. He manages a small smile and waves at her. She smiles and waves back at him, before walking away from the glass door.

“I miss you…” Wooyoung mutters to himself, his thumb and finger tracing the silver band on his ring finger.

“Wooyoung!” Someone shouts for him. He stops encircling his fingers around the ring and lifts his head up. “Yah, Wooyoung-ah!” the voice calls again. Wooyoung blinks and turns around to see the owner of the voice. The two guys grin and wave their hands at him.

“Oh, Chansung? Junho?” Wooyoung blinks again, watching as the two of them walk to the center of the field where Wooyoung is sitting.

“What are you doing out here? Aren’t you cold?” Chansung asks as soon as he sits down on the mat. Junho joins him. Wooyoung feels flustered by their sudden visit, but manages to pull himself back together.

“Not really. Just taking fresh air. Um, what are you guys doing here?” Wooyoung asks curiously, offering the pastries to them while doing so. Chansung gladly accepts it, while Junho politely declines.

“Can’t we visit a friend?” Chansung answers with another question. He takes a huge bite on the bun and chews on it happily.

“Oh, yeah. Of course,” Wooyoung nods his head dumbly. He closes the sketchbook and hides it behind him.

“How are you doing, huh?” Junho asks this time. Wooyoung meets with his gaze briefly, before shrugging his shoulders.

“Good, I guess.”

“Hmm,” Chansung nods in acknowledgment. “Khun told us to always come here, accompany you and look after you.” Wooyoung’s eyes light up at the mention of Nichkhun’s name. “We’ve been a little busy with school, sorry to only come here now.”

But that’s not Wooyoung’s main concern now. “You talked to Khun?” Suddenly, he feels hopeful again. Junho’s assessing him quietly, but that’s not what Wooyoung cares about either right now. He just wants to hear more about Nichkhun, wants to know how he’s doing. Chansung hip lips and looks at Junho. He shakes his head.

“He’d been telling us this for two whole weeks everyday before he left. I— haven’t heard from him since that day he flew back to Thailand,” Chansung tells him. Wooyoung slumps his shoulders back down. So neither his friends have talked to Nichkhun after he left as well.

“You haven’t talked to him either?” Junho carefully asks. Wooyoung shakes his head. “Hm. That’s strange. He said he’d call us but when he doesn’t, I get that he might be busy. But why hasn’t he been calling you either? I know him, he willalways have time for you, Wooyoung.”

If anything, it only worries Wooyoung even more. “Do you think something bad happened to him? What should I do?”

“Did something happen to his dad?” Chansung sounds worried too now.

“I hope not. Did you try calling him?”

“Yes,” Wooyoung admits. “It’s always…unreachable.”

“Strange.” Junho’s deep in his thoughts for a few seconds. “Keep texting and don’t stop trying to call him. Me and Chansung will try to reach him via email and social networking sites.” Chansung nods his head in agreement.

“What if we still can’t reach him?” Wooyoung asks quietly. He’s suddenly scared. What if he really won’t see or talk to Nichkhun ever again? Can he live like this, always in wonder of where Nichkhun is and what exactly happened to him? “What if he will never come back ever again…?”

“Don’t be silly. We’ll find him, Wooyoung,” Junho assures with a determined nod of his head.

“But why are you doing this?”

“Because we’re friends…right? Friends help each other out?” Junho looks at Chansung, as if seeking for support. Chansung quickly agrees.

“Nichkhun is our friend too. We want to know how he’s doing and how’s his life there in Thailand. We’ll help you find him,” Chansung says.

“Okay. Thank…you. I hope we’ll get to talk to him soon,” Wooyoung says sadly. He’s worried, but at the same time glad that Junho and Chansung want to help him.

+

It’s a perfectly beautiful day for a wedding. The ceremony will only start in another thirty minutes, so after greeting his relatives, Wooyoung excuses himself to be alone for a while.

The church where the wedding is going to take place is a huge majestic building— a one hour ride from the city and it’s surrounded by so many green and fresh air. The cherry blossoms had fully bloomed, the petals falling from the trees and flowing beautifully in the air and onto the ground. Wooyoung walks down the path and takes a seat on a bench, enjoying the scenery and allowing himself to relax, the sound of people chattering was barely just a murmur in the background.

Wooyoung’s fingers absentmindedly play with the buttons of the cuffs as he lets his mind drift off to the thoughts of Nichkhun. He misses Nichkhun terribly but at the same time, deep inside, he feels a little upset over Nichkhun going missing without any news. He doesn’t want to stop texting Nichkhun but seeing how his messages flooded the page without getting not even a single reply from Nichkhun, Wooyoung feels slightly disheartened.

“Where are you?” Wooyoung asks no one in particular, hoping the question would reach to Nichkhun somehow as he tilts his head up and looks at the sky above of him. He feels soft pats on his shoulder and averts his gaze to the owner of the hand, his vision meeting a sight of a lovely smile plastered on a beautiful face. “Suzy…”

“What are you doing here all alone?” she asks, little giggles escaping . Without waiting for Wooyoung‘s answer, she continues, “Anyway, the ceremony’s starting soon. Come on,” she beckons her head towards the church. “Your mom asked me to fetch you.”

Wooyoung clicks his tongue, but stands up from the bench anyway. “You made it sound like I’m a kid.”

“Aren’t you?” she grins playfully, locking her arm around Wooyoung’s and together they walk back to the building. “Come on, Wooyoung. What’s with the long face, huh? My big cousin is getting married. Your brother is getting married today. It’s a happy day. You should be happy.”

Wooyoung smiles half-heartedly. “You look so fresh and you’re beaming too much for someone who just landed five hours ago from the States.”

“That’s a huge compliment, Wooyoung,” she accepts easily. “I am forever young and energetic.”

“I am young too. But older than a kid,” he adds quickly. Suzy laughs. “Although, I lack so much in the other area, obviously. I am always tired.”

“I guess you’re too old now, Wooyoung-ah,” she jokes lightly, no harm meant in her words. Entering the building, Wooyoung realizes that most of the guests are already settled on their seats. They walk down the aisle and Suzy brings him to the front seat where his other family members are. “Here he is,” she smiles at Wooyoung’s mom. “See you again later, okay?” she pats on Wooyoung’s arm and walks to her seat on the bench at the other side. Wooyoung seated himself in between his mom and his brothers.

Minjun smiles in relief when he sees Wooyoung, but the nervousness is still clear on his face. Wooyoung and his little brothers laugh lightly at Minjun in a mix of amusement and endearment. It’s such a big day for their beloved big brother and Wooyoung understands where the anxiety is coming from.

The people turn quiet once the song played on the piano, all attention now goes to the gorgeous bride entering from the back, wearing a simple yet elegant wedding dress that really shows off her ethereal beauty.

Wooyoung doesn’t miss the look of happiness in their eyes as they look at each other, as they exchanged vows with one another. A wave of sadness crashes onto him, realizing how he has his own person who looks at him with the same kind of gaze, but the person is no longer around at the moment. When the newly weds kiss and walk down the aisle with the confetti and flower petals thrown over them, when the genuine smiles appear on their faces and the parents are looking over them with tears in their eyes, Wooyoung knows this is indeed a happy day.

Wooyoung knows he should be feeling a lot happier for his brother but remembering how it’s been exactly two weeks since he last saw and talked to Nichkhun that day, Wooyoung can’t help but feel sad and broken on the inside.







The reception’s held later that night, at a private hall rented from one of the hotels in the city and with the presence of close family members and friends from both sides. Fei had chosen dark purple and white as the main color theme of the venue. With the lights dimmed to almost its lowest and the live band playing mellow and jazzy songs, the setting gives off such a romantic ambiance.

Wooyoung had tried to enjoy himself, but half an hour after the ceremony started, he’s already begun to feel exceptionally exhausted. He was introduced to a lot of new people that night— mostly from Fei’s side of the family, but unlike his brothers and the rest of cousins, Wooyoung doesn’t mingle along with new people very well. He tries to memorize the names and faces correctly at least, offering them a polite smile as the member of the host of the party and asking them to eat the foods and enjoy the night.

The newly weds and their guests are dancing together now, a more joyful and upbeat song blaring in the hall. Wooyoung’s sitting down on his own, eyeing the dance floor with an unknown smile on his face. Wooyoung unfastens his tie and frees his neck from the suffocating warmth as the temperature turns a little hotter than before. He drinks his fruit punch, feeling the satisfying coldness of the liquid sliding down his throat. It’s only after he finishes the drink does he finally realizes someone’s sitting there next to him. Wooyoung gulps one last time, blinking his surprised eyes at the unexpected guest and settling the glass down on the table. He then looks away, eyes frantically looking around a way to escape or finding someone to help him get out of this unwanted situation. He wasn’t aware the guest had been around, wasn’t even aware he was invited to the wedding reception and Wooyoung curses himself mentally for not paying enough attention. His mind had been so preoccupied with the thoughts of Nichkhun, Nichkhun and more Nichkhun that he barely had any time to care about other things.

Wooyoung pushes back his chair slowly, discreetly trying to leave the table and the guest but then a deep voice stops him from moving altogether. “Wooyoung, is it?” the guest asks in his perfect English, flicking his eyes from the dance floor and to Wooyoung. Wooyoung stares back and sits back down on his chair, nodding his head once. The guest smirks and shoves one of his hands into the pocket of his pants, while the other play with his wine glass on the table.

“What are you doing here?” Wooyoung musters up the courage to ask, even though his gaze is glued on the table instead of meeting it with the other‘s. Of course he is here for the reception, but what does he want to do with Wooyoung?

“Something came up in Japan this morning and I couldn’t attend the wedding, so I came to the reception to make it up for missing the ceremony. Other than that, I was hoping I could see you around as well because I have also been wanting to talk to you for a while now.”

Wooyoung exhales quietly, feeling the nervousness and fear slowly creeping up his being. The presence of the other feels so heavy and suffocating, and Wooyoung honestly feel so small and intimidated being around him alone like this. “Talk to me about what?”

“You know. Stuff. My brother, Nichkhun.”

Wooyoung feels and hears his breathing getting shakier, so he tries to chase away the warmth and anxiety that have been the cause of it by loosening more of his tie around his neck and unfastening the first two buttons of his shirt. Curiosity is getting to him as well, as to why Nichan is here on his own attending wedding reception when he has an ill father somewhere far from where he is. But, wait. Is Nichan really alone? Wooyoung slightly hates himself for getting his excitement and hopes up without even getting a confirmation just yet.

“Are you alone?” Wooyoung carefully asks, holding his breath in as he waits for Nichan’s answer. It only takes a yes and half a second for Wooyoung to get his hopes and heart shattered all over again. “How is…your father?”

“I’m here to talk about Nichkhun and you,” Nichan answers sternly that makes Wooyoung almost jumped on his seat. He doesn’t give Wooyoung a chance to interrupt. “This thing you have with Nichkhun, it’s not going anywhere. You need to end it.” Wooyoung grabs his knees under the table tightly. “You’re both too young. You don’t know what you’re doing and what this could bring to everyone involved.”

“We’re young,” Wooyoung admits. “But we’re old enough to know what we want, what we feel for each other,” he continues bravely.

“You know what you want, but you don’t see the troubles and consequences that will arise from this. Both of you are better off without each other.”

“With all due respect, sir, I know you’re just looking out for your brother, but I don’t think it’s for anyone to tell us what to do, to decide what’s best for us.”

“You—”

“I don’t,” Wooyoung presses, taking a deep breath in and out. “I don’t think it’s for anyone to decide what makes us happy.”

Nichan throws a look at Wooyoung. “Being with Nichkhun makes you happy?”

“Of course…”

“And you think Nichkhun shares the same happiness?”

Wooyoung blinks his eyes dumbly at Nichan’s question before his eyebrows pulled together into a frown. “What…”

“Do you know what Nichkhun wants? What makes him happy?” Nichan attacks. Wooyoung wants to answer yes, yes he knows— doesn’t it make Nichkhun happy being with Wooyoung? All those genuine smiles and laughter they shared together, surely those can’t be just lies and pretense, right? Nichkhun is happy with him. Is he not? Wooyoung wants to answer yes, wants to assure himself more than anyone else but the more he thinks about it, the more he feels like he’s the biggest selfish on earth. Nichan’s question makes him think and doubt everything, his thoughts and feelings all jumbled up now. Is Nichkhun hiding something from him? Is he not happy? Is Nichkhun really better off without him?

“I…”

“My brother has a bright future. To be really honest, it’s not that I don’t think you’re not good for him. It’s just he—”

“Deserves better,” Wooyoung finishes the sentence for Nichan. Yeah, Wooyoung get that. Nichkhun deserves better, he could do so much better. Wooyoung doesn’t know where this resignation is coming from, but then again maybe it has been there all along waiting for Wooyoung to acknowledge it. Right from the beginning, Wooyoung knew their relationship probably couldn’t get that far. It was too good to be true. But is this really it? Can he be selfish for some more and stubbornly be with Nichkhun? Stubbornly holds on to what they have until Nichkhun says and breaks it off himself? “Have you ever been in love?” Even though it came out unexpected, Nichan doesn’t seem the least bit surprised.

“Of course,” Nichan confesses, his voice turning noticeably softer. Wooyoung lifts his head up to look at Nichan. “Just because I love her, doesn’t mean she’s for me even though I know she will always have my heart. In love, it’s not always about being with the one you want to spend your life with, sometimes it’s about letting go because you know their happiness lies somewhere else and not beside you.”

Wooyoung slowly shifts his gaze to where Nichan is looking. His eyebrows raised in surprise seeing Nichan looking at Fei with a sad smile but a fond gaze. Nichan quickly snaps out of his thoughts and straightens back up on his seat.

“It’s the same case for you. You have to think of the possibilities of Nichkhun being happier somewhere else, with someone else. Start thinking for happiness too.”

That stings a lot, Wooyoung has to admit. The thoughts of how Nichkhun is happy with someone else other than Wooyoung, those warm eyes looking at a different person and that smile reserved for Wooyoung directed at someone else. Wooyoung hates it. He wants Nichkhun and his everything all to himself. Now he’s just being selfish and greedy but he’s so reluctant to end it, reluctant to let go. God, he doesn’t even want to let go just yet. He wants Nichkhun to come back, he wants them to fight for their love together, he wants—

“If this is what Nichkhun wanted,” Wooyoung quivers. “I will…accept it.” No. “But I want to hear it from Nichkhun himself.” Don’t say it.

“You know Nichkhun’s not coming back, right?” No, he said he’d come back. “I didn’t intend to tell you this but I guess it’s necessary now. Nichkhun’s getting engaged.”

“What?”

“If he doesn’t want the engagement, he would have said it himself and I’d want to hear it from him too. The thing is, he hasn’t and I think that’s saying a lot.”

“No.” He said he wouldn’t forget me. But it‘s been two weeks. Had Nichkhun really forgotten him that fast? That easily? There’s a painful jab on his heart, the room closing in and Wooyoung’s suffocating from the lack of air entering his lungs.

“Hey,” Nichan calls for him. “Hey, are you okay?” Is that worry in his voice? Wooyoung can’t tell, can’t be bothered to care.

“Stop,” Wooyoung says, putting his shaky hand up to stop Nichan from saying anything more. Wooyoung releases the necktie completely, standing up from his seat and staggering away from Nichan. So Nichkhun really left and never coming back ever again? Why did he lie? Why did he make promises he can’t keep? Why is it hard to breathe?

His knees give up on him and Wooyoung falls on the ground, panic voices and thudding footsteps hurriedly heading his way. His vision gets blurry and the last thing he sees is his couple ring with Nichkhun before everything blackens out.

Why?