“Minho? Is that you?” I said in bliss.

My heart pounded faster than ever. My palms became sweaty. I never experienced this kind of feeling for years now.

I missed him. My first love.

July 2005

“Sulli,” he said. He looked like he has something to say but he don’t have the courage. I was very excited to tell my parents what I did during the auditions and how the evaluators reacted, so I became impatient and grabbed his hand to pull him.

“Minho, we need to get to the house fast. I need to tell thi-“

To my surprise, he released my grip in a forceful manner. “Sulli,” he said. “Choi Sulli, I like you!”

He… likes me. How I wish I could also tell him how I felt the same way to him. I can’t. Krystal loves him to death, and it would be selfish of me if I confess, too. Krystal’s my best friend and she’s like my sibling. She takes care of me and I enjoy her company.

I pretended that I took it as a joke. I shrugged and laughed. “Chingu! Is this one of your pranks again?” I said as I slapped him on his left arm.

“No, Ssul. My feelings for you are true,” he said. He held my hands with his soft ones. Inside of me, I felt like exploding, but I needed to contain it.

“B-b-but, Krystal…” I mumbled. I let go of his hands even though I never wanted to. “I thought you like Krystal.”

“No. I just said it because I was pressured. The black notebook. The songs I wrote and composed.” He paused. “The songs I wrote and composed. Those are all about you.”

I suddenly recalled how I jokingly asked if the song in the notebook was about me. I was stunned. It really was for me. “Minho…”

“Ssul,” he said and held my hands again. He came closer and at this moment, I felt that my face is turning pink.

“I-I-I need t-t-to go home now. You need to go, too. Mrs. Choi’s waiting for you,” I stuttered. I let go of his hands once again and I ran as fast as I can.

I never wanted to leave him there. But, I needed to, even though it might mean sacrificing my feelings for him.

For a week, I contained myself in the house, letting my parents lie for me. They understood the situation—how he confessed his love for me and how I loved him but I can’t. When I got the call from SM Entertainment, I was flabbergasted but a part of me is down.

“Yoboseyo?” Krystal said as I called her on the phone.

“Krystal,” I said gloomily. “I’m leaving Busan tomorrow… I’m going to be a trainee of SM Entertainment.”

“Jinja?” Krystal said in surprise. “Daebak. Let’s hang out today before you leave!”

“I can’t, Krystal. Mianhae,” I said.

“Why?” she said in disappointment.

“Krystal,” I said to change the topic.

“Hmm?” she uttered.

“Take care of Minho, your love, arasseo?” I said lightheartedly as my eyes began to water. Ironic it is.

“Okay, Ssul! I’ll do that for you,” she said and laughed hard.

Leaving Busan without saying goodbye to him hurts me the most. I slowly took my first step on the bus while looking at my parents side-to-side, waving at me. My umma felt like crying but she’s containing it. They know that I didn’t want anyone crying when I leave. I went inside the coldly lit bus and took my seat, which was beside the right window. I was secretly crying.

When I heard the engine firing up, I thought to myself, “This is it. No turning back.” The bus started moving as I breathed heavily and stared blankly at the window. I looked back and surprisingly saw Minho running for the bus. My pupils dilated as my heart pounded faster than ever.

I placed my hand on the window, wishing that I could stop the bus and be with him. After a while, he stopped running as the bus got faster. I got farther, and farther from him.

“If ever we meet again, I promise that I’ll never be this coward, again,” I thought to myself.

August 2013

I went towards him slowly, still in the state of euphoria. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. It’s Minho.

“Chingu!” I exclaimed as I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly. “I miss you, chingu!”

I blurted out the wrong words. My tongue was tied that I said chingu. But, still, I chuckled in excitement as I was still hugging him and feeling his warmth.

Director Kangta cleared his throat loudly and said, “Looks like we have a reunion here.” I unwound my hug and laughed at his remark. “Let’s take a seat and we’d talk about the business first, okay?” We agreed as we took a seat. Director Kangta was in front of us while Minho was on my left.

We talked about my comeback, but I wasn’t focused. While I was holding a pen and a small black notebook similar to Minho’s back then, I kept taking short glances at him and observed how he has changed. The shy and nerd-looking Minho I met eight years before is now an extroverted and cool-looking one. His remarkable round-framed eyeglass is now gone, revealing his big eyes more. He kept pitching in ideas for my comeback album and I was just speechless, and so is Director Kangta.

“Wow, those are great ideas,” Director Kangta complimented him. “Let me hear your ideas, Sulli.”

I didn’t respond. I realized that I was staring at Minho, for too long. My slightly blurred vision became clearer and I saw that Minho was looking at me, weirded out at my stare. “Ah,” I mumbled as I slowly looked at Director Kangta, embarrassed.

“Looks like she really misses you, Minho,” he joked.

“I do, too!” he remarked lightheartedly and they both laughed. My face got pink as I downcast and pretended writing on my notebook.

“Okay, that’s for now. We’ll continue to talk about it on Monday. Have a great weekend, Minho,” Director said as he stood. We stood, too, as he went towards Minho to shake his hand and gave him a check. I shook Minho’s hand afterwards and remembered how he held my hands when he confessed to me before. I held his hand tightly and I shook it for too long. He slowly removed his hand from mine.

“Sorry,” I mumbled and chuckled.

He walked towards the door and exited afterwards. I was fidgeting, not knowing what to do. I checked the time, and it was 3:37PM. I said to my Director, “Excuse me.”

I pulled the door and ran towards him. I placed my hand on his right shoulder. “Minho,” I said.

He smirked at me and joked, “Wow. You’re not tired anymore after a short distance run.”

I chuckled and asked him, “Where are you heading afterwards?”

“Hm,” he said. “I’ll go to Busan for the weekend.”

“Jinja?” I said excitingly. He nodded. “Why?”

“I’ll visit umma at the hospital,” he said.

“Hospital? Why?” I asked.

Before he could answer, a familiar voice called my name. “Sulli-yah!” I turned back and saw Taemin, member of the SHINee duo, walking towards us. He’s wearing a cheetah-patterned sweater paired with black pants and sneakers. His short brown hair was waving along with his hands. His charming smile could make the population of the teenage women in South Korea decrease drastically.

He put his right arm over my right shoulder and messed my short hair with his left hand. I chuckled as I tried to fix my hair.

“How are you Sulli-yah? It’s been two years now, huh?” he said enthusiastically.

“Ah, yeah. I’m good,” I said as I faced Minho, slightly embarrassed.

“Who is he?” he whispered at me.

“He’s my childhood friend, Minho. He’s going to co-write my title track on my comeback album,” I said. “Choi Minho, Lee Taemin. Lee Taemin, Choi Minho.”

“Nice to meet you,” he said as he shook Minho’s hand. “I’m her boyfriend.” He smiled mischievously.

My eyes widened in surprise as I slapped his arm. “Aish, Taemin!”

“Kidding,” he said as he laughed. “So, where are you going guys?”

Before Minho could open his mouth and talk, I quickly said, “Busan.” I looked at Minho and he was startled on what I said. Yes, Minho, I’m going with you, I thought.