July 2005

I tried to not show what I felt inside. I continued eating my food, as if I’ve heard nothing.

“There would be auditions on Saturday in Suyeong-gu, Busan,” Sulli explained.

“I’m sure you’ll get a contract, Sulli!” umma said. Sulli smiled, and so did our parents. “Minho, aren’t you going to motivate Sulli?”

“Huh?” I said as I faked my obliviousness. “Ah, good luck, Ssul,” I said in a flat and low tone. I pushed my glasses up and continued eating.

“I guess Minho is sad,” Sulli’s appa said lightheartedly. They all laughed.

Out of the blue, Sulli, who was on my right, whispered, “Are you really…sad?” She seemed concerned on how I reacted. I shook my head, faced her and showed her my exaggerated smile with my teeth showing. She chuckled, pinched my cheeks and moved it from left to right. We always do that gesture, and it never gets old. “Accompany me on Sunday, arasseo?”

I smiled and nodded enthusiastically. I was faking it. I was lying to her.

It was an hour later when we’re all done eating our dinner. Sulli’s family greeted umma once again and they bid their goodbyes. Afterwards, I helped umma wash the dishes, while appa helped clean the table.

After we cleaned the house, I went to my bedroom where the orange streetlight from the outside passing on my window is the only light. I changed to my favorite green shirt, removed my glasses and lied down on my bed with my both hands at the back of my head. My eyes were still widely open, with no plans of closing. I stared at the white ceiling, thinking of what Sulli’s umma said.

She’s going to audition for SM Entertainment. Her voice is noteworthy. Probably, her dancing is superb, too. Everyone in our vicinity knows that. Everyone is certain that she’ll pass the auditions. That’s the problem. I’ll never get to see her again after she becomes a trainee. I’ll lose her—my friend… my first love.

My eyes got tired and started to blink slowly… and slowly… and… slow…

It was 11AM when Jonghyun, Jinki, and I decided to go to a PC bang and play Lineage II. Aside from Sulli, Jonghyun and Jinki are two of my closest friends since middle school.

We were all in the same row in a dark room where the monitors are blinding us with its brightness. Our fingers on the left hand are rapidly pressing the keys, while our right hands are moving the mouse in a fast pace.

“How’s Sulli?” Jinki asked. I didn’t answer as I concentrated on playing. He nudged me and I looked at him.

“What?” I asked. He was holding his all-time favorite fried chicken and keeps on eating it while he’s looking at me.

“I said, how’s Sulli?” he reiterated. “Your one and only.” He laughed lightly.

“She’s going to audition for SM Entertainment,” I said as I faced the monitor again and continued playing.

“Mweo?” he yelled. I did not mind to look at him and just let my ears listen to what he’s saying. “Jonghyun, Sulli’s auditioning for SM Entertainment.”

“Really?” Jonghyun said in surprise. “Well, that’s good!”

“But, how about Minho here?” Jinki said. “He’ll lose his one and only.” They both laughed and high fived.

“Aish!” I exclaimed.

“Seriously, though, you should already confess your long love for her,” Jonghyun said. I was shocked on what he said. Jinki nodded in agreement.

“Psh,” I said. “Why would I? Even if I say it, she’ll leave anyway.”

“At least you told her about it,” Jinki said.

They had a point. Though it might be hard, confessing to her might be the right thing. Even if she leaves, I’ll probably be okay with it since that I told her my feelings. I won’t have regrets in the future.

“Arasseo,” I said and sighed. “I’ll tell her after the auditions.”

“Yeah!” Jonghyun said in English and raised his hand as I high fived him poorly. Jinki placed his right hand on my head and messed my hair, as I downcast.

“Minho, wake up!” a recognizable voice said as she nudged my knees.

I hardly opened my eyes because of the blinding sunlight coming from the window. I rubbed my eyes lightly and grabbed my eyeglass on the table lamp. I wore it, and my sight got clearer gradually.

I was about to get up, but I moved back with eyebrows raised, eyes wide open and mouth open in shock. It was Sulli. A slightly different Sulli.

“Is it good?” she asked me and swayed while smirking. She’s wearing a red outfit strikingly similar to BoA’s My Name era. Her belly button’s exposed and her hair was ponytailed. Her face was glowing and endearing, as usual.

I showed a fake expression of disappointment and said, “You look horrible.” I covered my eyes with my hand. She suddenly slapped me hard on the arm. I winced while laughing and said, “Why?”

“I look beautiful. You just don’t want to admit it,” she said and sticks her tongue out. You’re right, Sulli. You look perfect. “Go take a bath. We need to be there in an hour!” She left the room and closed the door.

I got off my bed, picked my clothes, grabbed my towel and went to the bathroom. This is the day—the day where I’ll confess my love for her.

After I took a bath, I wore a simple red shirt, jeans and black rubber shoes. I sprayed a few amount of perfume on my body and went out of the room. I saw Sulli sitting at the sofa, looking at the photo album, as I walked towards her.

“You remember when we’re eight, we went to Haeundae Beach with our family and we built this sand castle?” she asked me and pointed at the photo of us grinning with the small sand castle at the center.

Oh, how time flies fast, I thought. It was just like yesterday we’re eight, and now, we’re sixteen years old.

I nodded and said, “I thought you’re in a hurry?”

“Ah!” she said and closed the album. She got up from the sofa, grabbed her bag and we both said goodbye to umma.

We took a bus from Haeundae-gu to Suyeong-gu. When we arrived to Suyeong-gu, we quickly ran to the art hall, where the auditions are going to be held. We went inside and stopped for a while.

“Okay,” I said while breathing heavily. “Good luck, Ssul! I’ll just be here at the waiting area.”

She nodded and smiled at me. “Gomawo,” she said softly. She hugged me as I hugged her back. After a while, I patted her back and released her hug. She took one last smile at me and went inside the room, while I sat next to the other people at the waiting area.

After an hour, she went out of the room. I stood from my seat and walked towards her. “How did it go?” It seemed like she’s sad and disappointed.

She looked at me and said, “I did great!” I was surprised by her sudden change of emotions. She then narrated to me excitingly what happened inside. She said that the evaluators were quite impressed on her voice and applauded her.

“I’m sure you’ll be a trainee!” I said enthusiastically.

“I do hope so,” she replied blissfully as she chuckled.

We went to a restaurant and I treated her for lunch. Afterwards, we rode the bus and went back to Haeundae-gu. When we’re about to reach her home, I stopped for a while.

“Why?” she said as she stopped and went back to face me.

This is it. I need to confess my love for her. “Sulli,” I called her name and paused for a moment, gathering my thoughts. I pushed my glasses up and gulped. She looked at me, confused on why I stopped.

She grabbed my hand and said, “Minho, we need to get to the house fast. I need to tell thi-“

“Sulli,” I said as I released her grip with force. My heart pounded faster. And faster. And fa- “Choi Sulli, I like you!”

July 2013

I woke up from my bed with my girlfriend on my right. “Good morning,” she said enthusiastically as she pecked me on the cheek. I smiled at her and got off my bed.

I was never happy with her.