18: Price of Selflessness

“Let’s go back to Seoul, Seunghyun.” Yoona said in one breath and their eyes met, but Seunghyun just laughed at her words. He didn’t know that she could be so funny “Okay, okay. I will play your funny little game.” He looked at his wrist watch. “Which bus we should take? Is it okay to take the night bus?”

“Seunghyun.” Yoona called him in serious tone. She made sure to show him her determination through her eyestare. “I’m being deadly serious. Let’s go back to Seoul.”

“Okay. When?”

“Today Seunghyun. I don’t want your excuses; we will go back to Seunghyun tonight, at least.”

At her words—and her seriousness, his eyes bulged out in shock. “You gotta be kidding me!” Seunghyun snapped. “We finally had our peace Yoong! This is happiness!”

Yoona shook her head. “This isn’t happiness, Seunghyun,” she then put a sad smile on her face. “Happiness doesn’t mean running away from reality. Are you happy to keep hiding from others? Are you happy that we can’t show the world that we’re a couple? Do you wish to stay hidden forever, Seunghyun? Don’t you want to build your life once more?”

Seunghyun shook his head in denial. He didn’t understand her point! He didn’t understand her thoughts at all! “Yes Yoona. This is happiness for me.” Seunghyun chuckled bitterly. “I’ve said this for so many times, right? That as long as I’m with you, I’m happy. Its okay if I have to stay hidden, it’s okay if I don’t have a life Yoong. As long as I’m with you, it’s more than enough for me.”

It was unusual for her to make the first move, but this time, she cupped his face and rested her forehead on his—lucky for them, there was no one but them in this coffee shop. “I wish I can say the same thing, jagiya,” Yoona called Seunghyun ‘jagiya’. She never did that before! “But I can’t, because life isn’t that easy. Life got famous by its name because it’s complicated, mysterious, confusing, yet addicting at the same time.”

“But why Yoong, why? Is it because Yunho?” at this question, she shook her head. “Or is it because of Bom?” again, she shook her head. “Then, why?”

“This is because of a man named Choi Seunghyun, jagiya.” She said it slowly, with emphasize in his name. “I love that man too much. The love was too deep, to the point it was dangerous for me. I can’t fall deeper than this, otherwise, I will die.”

Seunghyun didn’t say a word at her truthful, yet exaggerated confession. He was dumbstrucked.

“And because I love him too much, I want the best of this world for him. I want him to be happy, to be healthy, to achieve his dreams, to build his own family, to stand again on his own, and to be loved by people around him. I don’t want to chain him next to me and being hated by all people around him but me just because he was grateful that I helped him in his darkest days.”

“Im Yoona…” Seunghyun put his hands on hers and grabbed it. He took off her hands from his face and holds her hands tight. “Are you really sure that’s what you want? You want me to be back to Bom? Do you want me to stay away from your life?”

Yoona smiled but tears began to brim in her eyes. “I want you to feel loved by all people around you, Seunghyun. By hiding and running away with me, you ran away from your responsibilities to your body, your family, your team, and…” Yoona paused and took a deep breath before spoke again. “Your unborn child.”

Then, tears began to roll down her cheeks. “Running away from your responsibilities will make you being hated, not being loved. Your body hates you because it wants to get better. Your family will hate you as well because you run away from reality during your darkest days—they will think you are a coward while I’ll be the only person to know you’re really brave. Your team will hate you because you ran away from your promise to become Jaejoong’s child’s godfather. Your unborn child will hate you because you’re not there. That child will hate his or her father without knowing how brave and how kind you are, Seunghyun.”

Tears kept rolling down from her eyes as she spoke. Seunghyun was dumbstrucked once more—if not being more dumbstrucked. What did he do in his previous life to get loved by a perfect woman called Im Yoona in this life?

“Then… will you come back to Yunho?”

“When people get married, they don’t just marry each other.” Yoona stated. “When I became Jung Yoona by marrying Jung Yunho, I also marry his family, his relatives, and his entire social class. When they thought he was dead, they understand my situation and let me grieve by myself. They don’t bother me much for the past years except some calls and occasional meet ups. But now… he’s back, Seunghyun. Jung Yunho is back and will connect me with many people I marry 4 years ago.” Yoona stopped talking to take a deep breath before continue to speak.

“And this time, I can’t runaway anymore, Seunghyun. I have to stay next to my husband side and be the woman he married years ago. People—whom I married all together along with my marriage with Yunho—are watching us so close—too close even. I don’t want to put shame on his good name because he’s too good for that...”

When Yoona finished, she couldn’t help but start sobbing. She covered her face with her hands and her shoulder began to shake slowly. But seeing this, Seunghyun couldn’t do much to calm her beside keep soothing her and gave reassuring grip on her hands.

That’s because, after hearing her reasons, Seunghyun couldn’t help but feel sad, angry, confused, and desperate.

“Don’t cry… jagiya,” Seunghyun said. Yoona has been sobbing for a good few minutes and there was no sign of her stopping. “Please, don’t cry… It hurts me to see you cry this bad.”

Yoona’s sobs slowed down and died down in minutes. “I’m sorry. I must have caused you so much pain, mustn’t I?” she said as she looked up to his face.

“You do cause me so much pain, Yoong,” Seunghyun said. “But you give me bigger and better things rather than that pain.”

“What’s that?”

“You gave me love—a really big, sincere, and pure love. You give me lessons for my life—that if I try my best, I will success no matter what. You gave me courage to break the barrier of my comfort zone. You gave me warmth when I had no one to warm me. But the most important…” Seunghyun cupped her face and made their forehead met. “You gave me hope to live, to love, and to forgive. You made me to be a better person, Yoong.”

Yoona smiled sadly and tears rolled down again on her cheeks. “Why you speak so highly of me, Seunghyun?” she wiped her tears. “I didn’t deserve the praise at all. I’m not even worthy of your love.”

Seunghyun clicked his tongue in annoyance at her statement. How can he not love her? Really? After hundreds of ‘I love you’, after her reasons, after her act of pushing him away due to her selflessness, she was still saying that she’s not worthy of his love?

“How can I not love you, a person who is selfless, kind, patient, and loving while you should be angry at me, yell at me, and get tired of my attitude?” Seunghyun pecked her lips. “I should be asking, am I worthy of your love? Is my love enough for you?”

“If you love me enough to let go everything you got for me, you must love me enough to think about yourself more—to put your health above everything else. So I can watch you healthy and happy—that is my biggest happiness.”

“If that’s what you want…” Seunghyun smiled sadly as he let go of Yoona’s cheeks. “I will come back to Bom and will bring you to your rightful place—next to Yunho.”

xxx

The ride to Seoul was silent for both of them.

They sat next to each other, Seunghyun’s long hand wrapped around Yoona’s shoulder and her hands wrapped around his torso. Her head also lean on his broad shoulder while he kissed the top of her head slowly in repeat. They stayed so close next to each other and didn’t move from this position since they depart from Gangneung because they knew…

It might be the last time they can be together and act selfish. Without thinking about each others’ life. Without thinking about their responsibilities out there. Without thinking about their relationships with others.

It might be the end of their relationship once they stepped down from the bus.

“We’re getting nearer to Seoul,” Seunghyun mumbled. “What are you going to do, Yoong?”

Yoona hummed. “I don’t know. But despite what I will do, I’m going home. He must be worried sick about me.” Yoona looked up to Seunghyun.”I’m the one who should ask you that question. What are you going to do when we reach Seoul, Seunghyun? I bet Bom hasn’t known that you know her pregnancy already.”

Seunghyun didn’t look at Yoona’s eyes. Despite, he stared at the darkness of the night and shrugged. “I will meet Bom and our unborn child.”

Seeing his movement and his expression, Yoona wrapped her arms around his torso tighter. “You’ll make them the happiest people on planet, Seunghyun. Bom would be so happy to have someone to accompany her and your son would be so proud to have a brave and cool dad like you.”

Seunghyun didn’t response Yoona’s statement. His mind was wondering, what he should say to Bom when he meets her? How her reaction would be when she meets him? What he should do after meeting her? Should he propose her? Should he admit the truth that he has someone in his heart? Should he lie to her that he still loves her and want to stay at her side?

“Yah, Seunghyun!” Yoona poked his tummy. “Don’t doze off!”

At her poke, Seunghyun went back to reality. “Ah, I’m sorry. There are too much things in my head right now,” Seunghyun admitted. “It’s impossible for me to not doze off.”

“I know that already,” Yoona smiled sadly and slowly realeased her hands around Seunghyun’s torso. “But you should see your surrounding.”

He did what she asked him to do and after that… sadness slowly crept on his whole body.

Why?

Because they reached Seoul already and that also means… their separation was getting closer.

“Ah, we’re here already?” Seunghyun couldn’t hide his sadness in his voice, but he could say something as response to Yoona.

Yoona hummed. “Let me help you get off the bus, Tabi.” She said as she got up from and immediately helped him to move. Some men who hadn’t got out from the bus also helped Seunghyun and Yoona.

With not too much difficulities, they got off from the bus silently. Yoona pushed Seunghyun’s wheelchair to the nearby taxi stand.

“S