Decisive (adj.)

-    The universe does not apologize. It keeps on moving; it flashes rapidly and so irretrievably. It is deceptive and pointless yet it is everything that matters at the same time. It does what it does without reason or meaning, and we squander at its ability to happen, to be. The only way to combat its decisiveness is to seize your own fate.

Summer is supposed to be about having fun and being young. Summer is the ultimate validation of one’s youth. The sunny skies, all the travelling, the fun times with friends all make summer something one looks forward to. Summer brings out the best in many people because of its promise of exploration and possibilities.

Only my summer wasn’t.

My parents and Victoria left me alone when I started to cry hysterically upon hearing the unfortunate news of Kai’s disappearance. After a few minutes of sobbing alone, I heard the door creak. When it opened, a solemn-looking Jinki came into view. If before I was already crying unapologetically, I cried even more when I saw Jinki. He came near me and sat quietly, waiting for me to calm down before saying anything.

Jinki, I knew, was trying to be brave for me. But I also knew Jinki well enough when he’s scared. And Jinki looked damned scared at the moment. His aura was mired with panic, fear, and grief. It was then that I realized how selfish I was for thinking that this plane crash is my loneliness alone. Sometimes, under very unwanted situations, many people can share the same loneliness.

“You’ve heard then?” he asked me solemnly.

“Yes.”

“I’m glad you’re awake now.”

“Thank you. And I’m glad you’re all okay…”

He poured himself a glass of water and gave it to me, “Drink. It helps with the pain.”

“It does?” I asked skeptically.

“I don’t know. But I’d rather you drink than dehydrate yourself from crying too much. I’m not used to see you crying.”

I gulped the water down. Jinki was right; the water makes me feel a little better. Or maybe because it was what I wanted to believe in.  “I’ve been crying a lot this year alone,” I said after I finished drinking.

Jinki let out a small laugh. “Indeed,” he looked like he was recalling something, “If I remember, I only saw you cry 4 times in your lifetime. One was when you bruised yourself while learning to ride a bike. The second one was when you got a grade of A- in Science, the third was when you lost your grandfather, and the fourth was when…”

“When Minho cheated on me,” I finished for him. “This would be the fifth time. Although I don’t really