“You're really trusting.”
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Friendship.
Junhong shivered, crossing his arms over his chest as he walked towards the park. He tried to ignore the feelings of excitement as he got closer, reminding himself that the stranger could have changed his mind and didn't want to be friends anymore. He could feel a dull ache in his chest at just the mere thought of it. His blood ran cold when he realized what exactly he'd just felt. He scolded himself as he sat down on the swing.
It was so cold tonight. He had heard his classmates and foster mother talk about it snowing but he hadn't really paid much attention. It was okay, he liked the cold. At least he normally did. Tonight it seemed almost unbearable. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his thin jacket as he waited for the stranger to appear.
It was taking longer than normal and he was becoming nervous. He didn't even know why he was feeling like this. Whenever he would try and makes friends with someone, they would disappear. He wondered why he even bothered. He stood up and started to leave until he saw the stranger hurrying towards him.
“Hey.” Yongguk said breathlessly.
He looked over at him, wondering why he was so out of breath. He looked in interest at the box the man had in his hands.
“I forgot this back at my office.” He said once he noticed where the younger was looking. “I heard it was going to snow tonight.” He held the box out. “This is for you.”
Junhong looked at him like he was crazy, not sure if he'd heard right. Nobody ever bought him things unless they absolutely had to. He took the box into his hands and looked back at Yongguk in uncertainty.
“You can open it.” He chuckled and lit himself a cigarette. He watched as the younger sat down on the swing, placing the box in his lap before carefully pulling the bow apart, excitement apparent on his face even though he was trying to hide it. He was pleased to see something other than solemness on the younger boy's face. “I hope it fits right.” He said as Junhong picked up the contents in the gift box.
Junhong stared at the jacket for what felt like an eternity. He finally looked up. “Why?” He asked. He was having a hard time understanding why this man would buy him such an expensive jacket. No one had ever done this for him before.
“I heard it was going to snow tonight.” He said before taking a long drag. He flicked his cigarette onto the ground and pointed to Junhong's jacket. “I wanted you to wear something warmer than this.”
He couldn't help but wonder if there was anything else to it. Why would someone care so much? He watched as Yongguk took the box away and told him to try it on. He stood up hesitantly and pulled the jacket on, feeling self conscious as the man watched.
“Good, it fits.” He murmured as he stepped closer, making Junhong's heart beat faster. He put his hands on Junhong's shoulders before smiling and ruffling the younger boy's hair. “It looks good.”
“Thank you.” The words sounded awkward but sincere.
He shook his head. “You're welcome.”
Junhong looked at him hesitantly. “Where do you live?” He asked.
The man looked towards a building directly across the street from the park. He seemed to count the number of floors before looking back at him. “I live in that apartment on the fourth floor.” He pointed to the apartment building.
The younger looked in that direction. He noticed the big window and looked back at Yongguk. “How do you always know I'm here?” He asked.
The man rubbed the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly. “My computer is next to the window.” He seemed even more embarrassed as he continued. “I saw you there a while back. . . I must sound really creepy, I was just. . . drawn to you.” He sighed. He didn't know how to explain how he felt. He was just drawn to this young man; there was no way he could possibly explain it to Junhong. He was just a lonely soul drawn to another lonely soul. “Hey, it's snowing!” He said, changing the subject.
Junhong wanted to question him further but he could tell the man was already having a hard time trying to explain what he meant. Hearing Yongguk say he'd felt drawn to him made his heart pound and his body heat up with embarrassment and delight. He held out his hand to catch a falling snow flake. He watched it melt in his hand.
He looked up hearing the man saying something. “Hm?”
“Want to come to my apartment and eat something warm?” Yongguk asked. He sounded hesitant. “I don't think either of us should be walking around in this.”
He shrugged before slowly nodding.
“You're really trusting.”
Junhong snorted at that. “It's not that.” He sounded annoyed but he wasn't. He sighed softly before looking towards the ground, his next words were so quiet Yongguk could barely hear them. “I just don't care. I just don't care what happens to me.”
And the next thing he knew, he was pulled into an embrace. He tensed up, eyes ever so slightly wide. No one ever hugged him and he preferred it like that. The man didn't seem to care that he was just standing there. He felt himself heating up and he wasn't even sure why. When the man pulled away, he let out a breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding.
“Please don't say things like that.” Yongguk looked up into his eyes. “Your life is important.” He didn't know why his heart was aching so badly, just by hearing those words. He decided he would take it upon himself to make sure Junhong was always safe. He stared back into the younger boy's eyes, trying to place each and every emotion he saw in them. It was impossible. He wanted to understand Junhong better. “Come on.”
- - - - - - - - - - -
Junhong looked around the kitchen he was currently sitting in. He wasn't surprised to see the man's apartment was so extravagant and pristine. Everything in this whole place screamed expensive to him and suddenly he felt like he shouldn't even be in a place like this. He self consciously rubbed his arms before looking at the older man, who was currently fixing ramen. He caught the man staring at him and he felt even more self conscious, wondering if Yongguk thought he was dirtying his apartment.
“What's with that expression?” Yongguk smiled at him.
He simply shook his head. The man examined him for a moment, eyebrows furrowing. He gave up and looked back to the noodles he was currently cooking. It hit him after a couple of minutes had passed. He glanced back at the younger to confirm his thoughts.
Junhong's eyes were downcast, his arms tightly wrapped around himself. He almost looked like he was trying to make himself disappear. Yongguk turned off the stove and walked towards the younger. He sat down in the chair beside the boy, turning it so he faced him.
“What's wrong?” He reached out to comfortingly touch Junhong's arm.
He tensed up even more than before, chewing at his chapped lips. His skin felt like his was burning from the man's touch. He looked at the hand on his arm, Yongguk following his eyes. The man removed his hand, suddenly looking embarrassed, thinking he had made the younger feel uncomfortable. Truthfully, he had but he didn't know why. He didn't feel threatened. He thought maybe it was because he wasn't used to any type of affection.
Was it normal for someone's heart to beat so fast with just a simple touch on the arm? He wondered as he looked back at Yongguk's face. It frightened him but he didn't want to run away. The feeling made him feel almost sick or at least that was the only way he could describe it.
“I'm dirty.” He finally spoke.
But, he said it so quietly that Yongguk hadn't been able to hear him. “What?” He asked gently.
“I'm dirty.” He repeated.
The man looked at him in confusion, not understanding what he meant. He wished he knew. He wished he didn't have to question Junhong. He wished he could understand the younger boy perfectly. “What do you mean?” His heart clenched painfully at the look of frustration on the boy's face.
“I don't belong here.”
The words repeated round and round in his head until it finally clicked. “Junhong.” He choked out. “ No.” He shook his head. “Just. . . no.”
Junhong eyes widened in surprise when he noticed the man's eyes were full of tears. Yongguk quickly looked away and blinked back his tears before a slow smile appeared on his lips again. “Let's eat our ramen before it gets cold.” He stood up to fix two bowls.
He wanted to question the man about why he was crying. He wanted to know why he cared so much. But, he couldn't get himself to speak so he just nodded his head.
It was quiet as they ate, neither knowing what to say and for the first time it was awkward. Maybe because for the first time, Junhong was dying to ask him something. He desperately wanted to voice his question but he just couldn't get himself to.
“Is it good?” Yongguk asked after a while. He smiled as the younger nodded his head and said a soft 'thank you'. He lit himself a cigarette, pulling the ash tray on the kitchen table closer to himself before taking a long drag.
“I don't like this apartment.” He said after a moment.
“Why?” Junhong asked before he could stop him. He felt surprised with himself, he normally would never ask questions so suddenly. He'd learned some people didn't like to be questioned and the punishment for a simple question was not worth it.
“It's lonely.” He tapped his fingers on the kitchen table. “It's too big for one person. I thought my girlfriend. . . wife-” He corrected himself. “And I would live here and maybe have a child of our own. I never thought I would live here alone.”
Junhong shifted uncomfortably, just the mere mention of his deceased wife made him feel something he knew very well he shouldn't be feeling. It was obvious the man still had a large attachment to his deceased wife. He thought Yongguk should be angry at her for leaving him all alone. But, he didn't seem angry; not even in the slightest.
He thought about his own feelings towards his mother. He was angry at her for leaving him all alone. He never even got the chance to get to know her. In his mind, his mother had left him all alone to defend himself. Yongguk's wife had done the same to him. He just couldn't understand why the man still loved her.
“Hey. Let me show you around the apartment.” Yongguk stood up and motioned for the boy to do the same.
Junhong followed the man around the apartment. He followed him into a computer room at the end of a long hallway. Yongguk guided him towards the desk. He looked at the mess of papers that surrounded the laptop but the man pointed at the window.
He walked closer and looked out. Sure enough, he could see straight down at the play ground. He didn't know why but it was comforting to see the playground from the man's view. He felt like he was seeing through Yongguk's eyes. The play set was currently covered in the snow that had just fallen.
He suddenly remembered the time.
They said their goodbyes, Yongguk hesitant to let him go out in the snow by himself but there was nothing he could do to get the younger to let him walk him home. He walked Junhong out the apartment, sighing softly as he watched the boy disappearing down the sidewalk covered with snow.
Junhong shoved his hands into the pockets of his new jacket. He felt thankful to have such a warm jacket to go home in. He glanced behind him. He was surprised to see the man was still at the entrance of the apartment, watching him. Yongguk noticed him looking back before smiling and waving at him.
His breath caught when the boy turned to fully face him, a big smile on his face. He felt like time stood still as they stared at each other, the snow falling delicately onto Junhong's hair and shoulders. He shyly waved back before turning back around and running off, leaving the man dazed.
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