“Do you think you'll ever love someone again?”
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Pain.
Junhong felt love sick the next morning. His feelings were so mixed; he was happy, so happy because he had someone to love but there was a mixture of sadness because he knew his feelings would never be returned. He told himself not to worry or think about that. At least he had someone. It wasn't long ago he had no one in this world. Just having Yongguk as a friend was good enough. At least it would have to be.
The feeling of being in love was so foreign but it felt so right to love the older man. He didn't feel like it was wrong to love him, at least not for the reasons he thought would make him feel like that. It didn't matter to him that Yongguk was a man. There were a million reasons why his feelings were wrong but Junhong felt like that wasn't one of them.
He could hear Himchan's words replaying round and round in his head, 'There is nothing wrong with your feelings', and he wondered if the man had known even before he was able to realize his own feelings. It made him feel embarrassed that even Himchan had been able to tell.
It made sense. No one had ever made Junhong's heart beat so fast or just simply made him so happy. All Junhong could wonder now was – how did he not realize his feelings sooner? But then again the feelings were so new, so foreign. He could feel his pulse speed up as he walked up the steps to the hotel.
He fidgeted with the hem of his uniform, suddenly aware of his appearance. He shook his hair into place and held his breath before walking into the hotel, immediately spotting the older man at the front desk. Junhong looked to the ground and walked towards him.
“Hey.” The man's warm voice made his face heat up and he quietly greeted him back, never taking his eyes off of the ground. He'd always felt somewhat shy in front of Yongguk but it was a lot worse today. He finally got himself to look up and the man smiled at him. A small smile slowly appeared on Junhong's lips.
Yongguk stared at him for a moment, obviously trying to see if he was okay or not. Junhong hoped he wouldn't ask about last night. He didn't want to talk about that; he didn't want to talk about anything that involved his feelings for the man. Most of all, he didn't want to lie about his feelings. The man walked out from behind the desk and put his hands on the boy's shoulders. “Have you eaten?” He asked gently.
The boy shook his head and averted his eyes towards the floor.
“Go get something to eat.” He motioned towards the restaurant and continued. “Daehyun is working. I won't be able to join you since I need to finish up some work and a lot of guests will be checking in tonight.”
Junhong couldn't help but feel a little bit disappointed. He knew it was silly; Yongguk would only be a room away from him but he wanted to spend as much time with the man as possible. He slowly turned to walked towards the restaurant, all the while, he could feel the older man's eyes on his back until he walked through the doors.
He paused when he noticed Daehyun speaking with someone who he quickly recognized. Youngjae. The man he'd met in the spa. He watched as Daehyun smiled and leaned over the bar to whisper something into the man's ear and the way Youngjae's own lips would turn upwards into a smile. The way they looked at each other made Junhong feel a pang of jealousy. The look was so full of adoration and love; he wanted Yongguk to look at him like that too.
Daehyun suddenly looked his way and smiled before motioning for the boy to come over. He felt self conscious as Youngjae followed his lover's gaze. Junhong looked towards the ground and slowly walked to the bar. “Yongguk told me you might be coming in.” The older turned around and grabbed a menu.
Junhong hesitantly sat down in the stool next to Youngjae and pretended to be focused on the menu as the two continued their conversation. It was simple but he could sense the underlying love with each and every word, the concern one had when the other would mention something negative. It was beautiful and he was envious. Daehyun asked him after a couple of minutes what he wanted and he randomly picked something off of the menu. “Let me just get your order in and I'll be right back.” The man said before turning away.
Junhong stared blankly at the counter top. He could feel Youngjae's eyes on him but he didn't know what to say or do.
The man finally spoke and smiled at him. “Daehyun has told me a lot about you.” The boy slowly looked at him, wondering what exactly he had been told. It seemed like Youngjae understood his thoughts as he continued. “Only good things, of course.”
Junhong rubbed the back of his neck, still unsure of what to say. A silence took over as the two got lost in their own thoughts. The boy watched as other waitresses and waiters made their way around the restaurant. Daehyun came back a few minutes later and his lover stood up.
“I'm going to retire for the night.” Youngjae said softly.
Daehyun nodded his head. “Sleep well.”
“It was nice to see you again.” The man turned his attention towards Junhong, holding out his hand for a handshake. The boy hesitantly took his hand into his own and felt himself heat up as Youngjae leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Thank you for keeping our secret.” He said before pulling away and meeting Junhong's eyes.
The boy frantically nodded his head, his face turning redder and redder as the two men looked at him. Youngjae chuckled softly and let go of his hand before giving a final wave to Daehyun. Junhong watched Daehyun, noticing the look of fondness and longing on the older man's face as his lover left the quiet restaurant.
He wondered if Yongguk would ever look at him like that. He didn't realize he was frowning until Daehyun broke him out of his thoughts. “What's with the long face?” Junhong's eyes were downcast as he shook his head. He felt a hand on his shoulder and the man continued. “You can talk to me, you know?”
He didn't know what to say so he slowly nodded his head and stored the words away in the back of his mind, wondering if the man even knew what those words meant to him.
- - - - - - - - - - -
The car ride home was silent and Junhong could tell there was something bothering Yongguk. He wanted to ask what was wrong but his insecurities were telling him he wouldn't like the answer so he simply stayed quiet, watching the man from the corner of his eye. The man look so tense, so stressed. He really wanted to know what was wrong.
The boy shifted uncomfortably as they got closer towards his foster home. Yongguk had been fine at work. It wasn't until they were alone in the car that things became awkward and tense. He couldn't wait to get out of the car as the man finally pulled up his driveway. He started to pull the handle but Yongguk's deep voice stopped him. He let go of the handle and nervously looked at the man.
“Tomorrow. . .” Yongguk trailed off for a moment. “Tomorrow is the anniversary of my wife's death. I was wondering if you would accompany me to her grave?” He smiled weakly at the boy. “You don't have to, of course.”
Junhong nodded his head. “I'll come.” He watched as the man's face relaxed just a tiny bit before tensing back up again. It was so strange seeing Yongguk like this. He was normally so calm and put together.
“Thank you.”
“Are you okay?” The boy hesitantly asked.
Yongguk nodded his head but Junhong knew he wasn't. “I'll pick you up around two tomorrow. Have a goodnight, Junhong.”
Junhong stared at him for a moment before nodding his head and getting out of the car. He gave a final wave before turning around and walking towards his foster home. He glanced over his shoulder at Yongguk's car once he reached the front door. A warmth spread throughout his body when he realized the man would always wait and make sure he was able to get inside before leaving. He had to bite back a smile as he unlocked the front door and went inside.
He quietly greeted his foster mother before going upstairs and flinging himself onto the bed, a giddy feel taking over. Part of him wanted to believe there was more to Yongguk's feelings and affections. He let himself think of scenarios where the man confessed his love, where the man held him and loved him. It made his heartache but he let himself enjoy the thoughts.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Junhong walked beside Yongguk as they made their way towards his wife's grave. He glanced at the flowers the man had picked up from the florist before coming to the graveyard. Yongguk had told him they were his wife's favorite, purple carnations.
“Here is it.” The older man said and stopped in front of a large tombstone.
Junhong watched as he bent down to pick up the old, dead flowers before unwrapping the new ones and placing them in the vase. “I can throw them away in the trash if you want me to.” He offered.
Yongguk smiled at him before murmuring a thanks and handing him the dead flowers and trash. He carefully took it into his hands and walked towards the nearest trashcan. When he turned around he saw the older man sitting on the grass in front of the tombstone. He couldn't help but feel surprised since Yongguk was wearing one of his nicest suits. He waited a couple of minutes before walking back over, giving the man some time alone.
He slowly sat down beside the man and looked at the picture printed on the tombstone. She was no doubt beautiful. Everything about the woman in the picture was absolutely beautiful and Junhong didn't know why he was so surprised. Of course Yongguk would marry such a beautiful person.
“Do you miss her?” Junhong surprised himself by asking.
The man looked over at him and nodded slowly before looking back at the grave. “I do.” He said softly. “I told you we were having problems, right?” He didn't wait for a reply. “I didn't treat her right towards the end. Don't get me wrong, I never hit her or anything.”
“What do you mean?” He asked, getting the feeling Yongguk wanted him to ask.
“Our marriage only ever happened because we were trying to save our failing relationship.” He sighed softly. “I really did love her. I did. But something was missing. Still, I married her. Nothing got better- it just got worse.” The man went quiet as he gathered his thoughts.
“I treated her so badly before she passed away.” Yongguk looked so distant as he spoke. “I would stay at the hotel for days, anything just to get away from her. I couldn't bear seeing her face for more than a few hours. I wanted to love her the way I used to- I really did.”
Junhong realized he was opening up and now that the boy thought about it, Yongguk had never really been open with his feelings before. It made his headache to see the man in pain.
“It's my fault she's gone.”
“What do you mean?” The boy asked.
“She showed up at my office and everything we'd both been holding in came out. Everything.” Yongguk finally looked at him. His eyes were welling up with tears and Junhong felt his heart clench in pain. He didn't like seeing Yongguk like this. “I broke her heart into a million pieces and she stormed out. She was crying and speeding. . .” He trailed off.
“If I could have just loved her the way she loved me, she would still be here.” The man felt a tear roll down his face but he made no attempt to wipe it away. “It's my fault. I made her suffer so much. I think she would have hurt a lot less if I had just been honest with my feelings.”
Junhong swallowed thickly. He had no idea Yongguk was in so much pain and he suddenly felt guilty for putting so much of his own burdens on the man. He slowly reached over and hesitantly laid his hand over the older man's.
Yongguk looked at him in surprise before interlacing their fingers. “I'm haunted by this every single day but it's so much worse on this day.”
“Did you. . . ever figure out what was missing?” Junhong asked after a moment, glancing down at their interlaced hands. He felt guilty for the way his heart was racing and the way his stomach was doing flips.
“No.” The man replied quietly.
Things became silent as the older man got lost in his own thoughts, the distant look back on his face. He finally allowed himself to cry and Junhong held his hand a little tighter without saying a word. He didn't know what to say or do. He felt so selfish and blind not to have seen how much Yongguk was actually hurting. He lost track of how long they sat in front of the tombstone, neither saying a word.
Finally, after a long time, Yongguk sighed loudly and smiled sheepishly at him. “Thank you for listening to me.”
“I didn't know-” Junhong looked towards the ground as he hesitantly spoke. “I didn't know you were hurting so much. I've bothered you so much with my own problems-”
“You have never once bothered me.” The man quickly cut him off. “Never.” Junhong still felt like a burden but he chose not to say anything else about it. Yongguk let go of his hand and got up from the ground, followed by the younger.
Yongguk cleared his throat and wiped his face before turning to face Junhong again. “Ready to go?” The boy nodded his head. Their hands and shoulders occasionally brushed as they walked towards the car. “Thanks again for coming with me. I don't normally bring anyone with me and I've never talked about what happened between my wife and I. . . I know this probably isn't how you wanted to spend your Saturday but it means a lot to me.”
“Can I ask you one more question?”
“Yes.” Yongguk replied without looking at him.
“Do you think you'll ever love someone again?” He could feel his heart racing as the man stopped and turned to face him with an unreadable expression.
“I don't think so.” He replied after a long while.
Junhong felt like a bucket of ice water had been poured over him but he told himself at least Yongguk would never fall in love with someone else. At least he would never have to see the older with a woman. It hurt - no doubt, but it was better than having Yongguk love someone else.
Yongguk dropped him back off at his foster home, telling the younger he was going straight to his apartment for a much needed nap. Junhong sat down on the back steps of his foster home and let himself think over everything he'd learned today.
He felt so much closer with the man. He wished he could have been more comforting, said more things but it made him feel good Yongguk had opened up to him. Junhong had always thought Yongguk was perfect and he still did but it was different now. It was a different kind of perfect. He had scars and things he regretted just like Junhong did.
For the first time, Junhong didn't feel so inferior to Yongguk.
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