“Do you like me or something?”
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Distance.
Junhong felt so tired the next day and he felt horrible anxiety building up. His thoughts wouldn't leave him alone, they kept tormenting him even though he tried desperately to ignore them. He stared blankly at the teacher writing on the chalk board but nothing was making sense. Even Jongup had noticed how strange he was acting but he couldn't help it. He felt miserable.
Every inch of his body ached from tossing and turning, he had a migraine and he just felt sick. Time seemed to drag on forever before school was finally over for the day. He had a pile of homework but Junhong knew he wasn't going to do any of it. He didn't feel like talking with his friend or even dealing with the bullies' stares today. He just wanted to get away from everything and calm down. He told Jongup a quick goodbye once they exited the school.
Junhong silently debated on going to work tonight. It wasn't like Yongguk really needed him around anyway. All he did was help out behind the check-in desk, clean the pools or hand out towels in the sauna area. He sighed softly before deciding he wouldn't go today. He didn't think he could bear to see the man today.
He was afraid of breaking down – afraid of admitting what exactly was bothering him. After all, Junhong wasn't even certain if that woman really was just a business partner or not and who was he to even ask Yongguk if she was anything more than that?
Even if the older did have a romantic relationship with that woman, who was Junhong to question him? He was just a sixteen year old boy; he had no right to feel jealous. He had no right to love Yongguk. Junhong's heart ached as he dragged himself to a local park and before dropping his book bag onto the ground and sitting down on one of the benches, pulling his knees to his chest, staring at the other people in the park.
Still, he wondered where she had even come from. He'd never once seen her at the hotel before. Junhong wondered if that meant there really wasn't something going on between the two; that maybe she had truly just come for business matters.
The thought eased him a little bit but not enough to make the thoughts go away completely. He sighed softly. Don't you trust him? Junhong asked himself and he found himself thinking over the answer for a moment before nodding to himself. Of course he trusted Yongguk.
Yongguk had done so much for him already, how could he not trust the man? Junhong felt like he'd put his burdens onto the man and he felt guilty when he really thought about it. Yongguk was the only one to really give him a chance, to come after him, to really truly care. Yes, he trusted Yongguk.
His eyes wandered to a family. The mother was sitting on the blanket, smiling as her husband chased their two little children around the park. Junhong wondered what it was like to have a family like that. To have a mother – a real mother and father that would love him. He wondered if he'd like and get along with siblings or if he'd fight with them a lot.
Junhong knew he had a father out there somewhere and he wondered if his own biological father had ever once tried looking for him or not. He didn't want to see his father either way. The boy didn't know much of his mother or her past, only things he'd found in files he wasn't supposed to see or things he'd heard the social workers say when they thought he wasn't listening.
Junhong had only been ten when he learned that he was a bastard child; an accident, something that was never supposed to happen. He knew his mother had ended her life after he was born because her lover would no longer acknowledge her. Junhong bitterly smiled at the fact that his father was a rich, well off business man with a wife, whom he'd cheated on, and probably children. He never wanted to see that scum.
The thought that he was an accident and such a burden that his own mother ended her life haunted him sometimes.
He held his legs tighter to his body and pushed those thoughts away. His thoughts went back to Yongguk and he couldn't help but wonder what the man would think if he knew? Would he be disgusted? Junhong wondered if the man would hate him for his feelings. He could hear Himchan saying they were okay but he didn't think Yongguk would feel the same.
He let go of his legs and stared down at his arm. There were faded scars covering his forearm and he wondered if the man had ever noticed them before. The scars were obvious but Yongguk had never asked about them before. It had been a release, something that made things a little easier to deal with until Junhong decided he needed to do something else to feel better.
That was when he started coming to the park. He hadn't immediately quit but it slowly happened, especially when Bang Yongguk would come and sit in the swing beside him. He smiled fondly, remembering how neither said anything to each other for the longest time. He honestly never would thought he would grow so fond of someone – to the point of being in love with them.
It hurt a lot. He didn't want to be in love with the man; he wanted to look up to Yongguk as a brother or even a father figure but just the thought made him feel uncomfortable. He couldn't look at the man like that no matter how hard he tried.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Junhong didn't know how long he'd sat on that bench but by the time he decided to come back to his foster home, it was completely dark outside. He unlocked the door, sighing softly as he stepped inside. He looked at his foster sister who gave him a small wave before turning her attention back on the television.
Junhong walked towards the kitchen where his foster mother was sitting at the table reading a book. He awkwardly rubbed his arm before finally making himself speak. “Did Yongguk call?” He asked quietly.
The woman raised an eyebrow. “No. Weren't you at the hotel with him?”
“Ah, yeah.” He lied, nodding his head.
The woman looked like she didn't believe him and for a moment, it look like she was going to question him. Junhong took a moment to examine her face. She looked really tired and frail, one of her eyes blackened from his foster father's recent visit. She wasn't the best foster mother but she also wasn't the worst. Though she used to take meals away and lock up the refrigerator and cabinets, saying he ate too much and it cost too much, she at least didn't do it anymore since she had extra money from Junhong's paycheck.
He turned and started for his room. He honestly felt surprised the older hadn't called to check in on him. Junhong felt a pang of hurt and he tried to tell himself he was being silly. Yongguk was a busy man after all. Or maybe he just doesn't care. He thought and gently shut the door behind himself, throwing his bag onto the floor. He had no intentions of even trying to study that night.
All he wanted to do was sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Junhong sighed heavily as he finished skimming the pool. He turned around and grabbed some towels off a roll away cart and carefully placed them up on the shelf for the guests. He felt so tired and his legs felt like they had weights attached to them.
He walked towards the check-in desk. “I finished my jobs.” He said once the man put down the phone.
Yongguk looked up from the computer. “You can help me out then.” He said before looking back at the computer and placing the phone against his shoulder and head. The boy silently walked behind and sat down in the chair next to Yongguk's own. He stared at the computer, watching as the man set up a reservation for the spa. He looked away and stared out at the empty lobby as the older hung up the phone.
Yongguk continued to focus on the computer for a little while longer before finally turning to face the boy. “Hey.” He called out. Junhong slowly looked at him and he continued. “How do you feel today?”
Horrible. Junhong thought but decided to simply shrug. “I'm okay.”
The man stared at him for a moment before nodding his head and then it was quiet again. It was tense and awkward. Junhong hated it and he didn't know what was causing it. He tried to control his breathing as Yongguk stared at him with an unreadable look.
“Are you sure?” He finally asked again, worry finally appearing on his face. “You look so frail.”
Junhong felt his stomach doing flips. Yongguk did care. He scolded himself for ever thinking the older didn't. “I. . .” He trailed off for a moment as he thought over what he would say. “I'm okay.” He repeated because everything he wanted to say he couldn't say.
Yongguk looked like he wanted to question him further but instead his simply nodded his head again before turning away and looking at some paper work. Junhong felt so far away from him all of a sudden. It was like there was a huge distance between them even though they were sitting right beside each other and it was painful. He wondered it was just him or did Yongguk notice too?
Time passed by slowly, neither saying a word to each other. Junhong felt like he was suffocating. This wasn't like their normal silences. It was different and it was scaring the younger. He watched from the corner of his eye as the man went through the paper work, occasionally muttering something to himself.
All Junhong wanted to do was reach out and ask Yongguk if there was something wrong but he didn't know how to. He didn't even know if it was just him feeling like this. He took in a shaky deep breath before turning to fully face him. “Yongguk?” He said so quietly Yongguk almost didn't hear him.
“Yes?” He looked at the younger.
“Are. . .” Junhong took in another shaky breath, unsure about his next words. He fidgeted with the cuff of his work shirt. “Are you okay?”
The man's face softened and he reached out to put his hand on Junhong's shoulder. “I'm okay.” Yongguk paused for a moment before ruffling the boy's hair. “Why do you ask, though?” The man sat back in his chair, watching as Junhong picked at a loose thread on his shirt, his eyes downcast as he shrugged. Yongguk reached out and gently grabbed his wrist.
Junhong looked up and Yongguk smiled. “Stop picking at that.” His tone of voice was warm and teasing and the boy felt a wave of relief wash over him. Yongguk's hand lingered for a moment or so longer before letting go and sitting back in his chair. “My family is having a small dinner party this weekend and I was wondering if you would join me?”
The younger looked at him in surprise, feeling unsure of what to say. The thought of being surrounded by Bang Yongguk's family made him feel extremely self conscious but even with those thoughts, his heart felt like it would burst out of his chest from the happiness he was feeling. Yongguk was okay with him, Choi Junhong, meeting his family. “I don't have anything nice to wear. . .” He trailed off.
“It doesn't matter, just wear whatever you want. It's just a small dinner party after all.” Yongguk said, chuckling when the younger didn't try to hide his annoyance. “I mean that though. So, what do you say?”
“Okay.” Junhong slowly nodded his head, wondering if he was making a mistake or not. He pushed those thoughts away and let a blissful feeling take over. All his worries and anxieties seemingly melted away. Yongguk wasn't ashamed of him. He bit down onto his lower lip to keep from smiling before getting up with some files that needed to be put away. Finally, for the first time that night, the air wasn't so tense.
But, his blissfulness didn't last for too long as he heard a familiar voice calling out Yongguk's name in a playful tone, just as she had done before. Junhong gritted his jaw, keeping his back turned as he listened as the two flirted. Go away. He silently begged. Please. Just go away.
He turned back around when he heard the woman say her goodbyes. Junhong stared at Yongguk, the feeling of sickness coming over him again. He forced himself to stay calm as he slowly sat down in the chair next to Yongguk's. “Yongguk?” Junhong softly called out.
“Hmm?” The man looked at him.
“How long have you known her?” He looked down at his hands.
The older man stared at him for a moment before speaking. “Probably since I was fourteen. Our parents are business partners.” Junhong forced himself to look up and when he did, he really wished he hadn't. Yongguk was staring at him with such an intense but unreadable expression. His breath caught and he felt frozen, trying to figure out why the man was staring at him like that.
Yongguk finally looked away when a guest came to the desk to check in. Junhong never could figured out what the man was thinking.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
“Jongup?” Junhong asked before taking a small sip on the cherry ice he'd gotten.
“Yeah?” Jongup said without taking his eyes off the group of people they were watching in the food court.
Junhong had felt like a girl, going through his dressers for something suitable to wear to Yongguk's parents' dinner party but he'd had no luck. All his clothing was too casual, too old and just not good enough. He knew very well these people would be dressed to the nines. He didn't want Yongguk's family to think poorly of him but he thought maybe they would no matter what.
Jongup had been happy to go to the mall with him, helping him pick out things that looked well together. Junhong had felt more than a little strange, if not guilty for spending so much of the money he'd been saving on clothing. It was a strange feeling – being able to actually buy something nice for himself. “Can I ask a weird question?” Jongup turned his attention towards the younger teen and nodded. “What do you think of. . .” He swallowed thickly. “Like, gay people. What do you think of them?”
Jongup furrowed his brows before he shrugged. “I've never really thought about it before. . .” He trailed off for a moment. “Why?”
Junhong quickly shook his head. “No reason.”
“You don't just ask things like that for no reason.” The older teen quickly spoke, unwilling to let the subject die down. “Do you like me or something?”
Junhong's eyes widened and he quickly shook his head. “No!” He stared down at the drink, biting his lower lip as he tried to think of his next words. “I was just wondering if you would hate me if I was.”
“Who do you like?” Jongup asked and when the younger teen didn't reply he continued. “That scary man, right?”
Junhong frowned at Jongup's knowing smile and he slowly nodded his head. “Yeah.” He swallowed thickly. “Him.” It felt so strange to be admitting this to someone. “You're not disgusted?”
“Nah.” The older teen shook his head. “I mean, it's a little weird but you can't help who you like. Is he married?”
He felt so relieved Jongup wasn't angry or disgusted by him and it just felt so good. Junhong didn't think Yongguk would react the same. No grown man would like a sixteen year old boy having a crush on them. He felt a tinge of sadness but he quickly pushed it aside. “No, she passed away.”
“Did he kill her for insurance money?” Jongup smiled playfully and the younger teen couldn't help but laugh at that. Yongguk had been really scary. Things went silent between the two but it was comfortable.
“Can I ask you another question?” He didn't wait for an answer as he stared forward, not really paying attention to anything in particular. “Why did you want to be my friend?”
Jongup was quiet for a moment as he thoughtfully stared at the younger teen. “My family used to foster kids. I have a lot of brothers.”
“How did you find out?” Junhong looked at his friend in surprise.
“Those s were talking about you.” He said and smiled.
Junhong stared at him for a little bit longer before slowly smiling, just feeling thankful for his friend. It made sense why Jongup was always so understanding. He wondered what it would be like to live in a home with Jongup. He imagined the older teen's mother was a very kind and loving woman. He couldn't help but feel resentful when he thought of all his foster families. “Why don't you foster anymore?” He asked.
“My mom is sick.” Jongup suddenly looked so sad and Junhong felt guilty that he was just now learning this. “She's got cancer but she's a strong woman.”
“I didn't know. . .” The younger teen swallowed thickly, unsure of what to say.
Jongup shook his head. “So, you're meeting Mr. Boss man's family?” He said changing the subject.
Junhong nodded his head. He was trying not to think about the fact that he was going to be surrounded by the older man's family. It was so daunting and from what he knew, Yongguk's father was a hard to please man. He really didn't want to make a fool out of himself in front of Yongguk's family. “Yeah. I'm really nervous.”
“Don't be nervous.” The older teen threw his arm around Junhong's shoulder. “We can egg their house or something if they're mean to you.” Junhong was suddenly laughing again as he gently shrugged his friend's arm off. “You should come to my house and I'll do your hair or something before the dinner.”
“Really?” The boy looked surprised. “You want me to come over?”
Jongup rolled his eyes before smiling. “Duh. I'll make you look pretty for Mr. Boss man.”
Junhong couldn't help but smile at that as he nodded his head. The thought of Yongguk seeing him in his new clothes and his hair styled made butterflies go wild in his stomach. He just hoped the man would like everything he picked out and he wouldn't embarrass Yongguk or himself.
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