A/N: ( this kind of jazz) 

{{Taeyeon}}

How could one day change everything?

That was all I thought as Sooyoung burst into my room, eyes darting about, shocked to not find Tiffany’s body somewhere near my own.

And somehow I knew that this peace would not last forever. A storm was approaching and my only means of surviving it was to wait it out.

“Have you heard about this?” Sooyoung raised her voice, gesturing frantically.

“About what?” I feigned ignorance as I lifted my gaze from a self-development book Seohyun lent to me.

“Uh, hello,” Hyoyeon slipped into the room and joined in. “In case you and Tiffany had a breakup or something, she’s with Nichkhun again!”

I shrugged nonchalantly. “Who says?”

“Almost ninety percent of ty gossip sites.”

I laughed sourly.

Of course.

As I pulled away from her, I saw the distinct pain in her beautiful eyes. Her darling soft lips, the buds of May opened ever so slightly and I had to will myself not to capture them with my own. Her eyes fluttered, gorgeous lashes and flawless skin against mine. I took in her scent, her presence, her being and her very breath. I memorised her and kept it in my heart. I slowly drew my hand away from hers and I watched, my heart rife with an all too familiar ache as she breathed out my name in one shaky breath.  "Taeyeon...?"

The confirmation of her existence lingered on my lips, a sweet poison, an unbreakable addiction, an untameable beast; and how I wished to kiss her. If I kissed her, our problems would be gone. Yet I could not bring myself to kiss her, for I would lose all sense. She made me a mad woman, fearless and hopeless. I did not want to admit that this love was shifting. It was as though my Heaven shattered into a billion pieces again, and I knew, without her, it would remain that way, useless, ugly broken fragments.

For me there is only Tiffany, there is no other option.

I took that one-way ticket.

Her hand was on my jaw as she drew me close. My mind screamed for me to run away, to get as far as possible, for common sense did not exist in that current moment. My brain disconnected and my body responded to her familiar touch. I wavered when I saw the truth in her eyes, they flickered, absorbing my expression and sending signals as to what she should say. I liked the warmth of her body, the feel of her hot breath and her never-ending attention to detail. Her delicate fingers trailed down my neck and found themselves around my waist. She her lips and my eyes followed the action. I felt her body tense temporarily as she laid a soft, yearning kiss on my cheek and murmured in her perfect voice, a sigh on my neck.

"Please understand, Taeyeon."

I shut my eyes and inhaled a deep breath. I felt her necklace, my gift to her many years ago, lightly brush my skin. She held me, and our eyes met. Everytime I stared into her eyes, an entirely different galaxy, it was as if I could understand a part of her. She was there, pure, sincere, yet tinged with mysteries I will never fully comprehend. Magic, that was what she was. She was the cause of miracles. She let me see part of her soul, how real I am unsure, but I trust this judgement. That her expressions are her heart's words. And I trusted her that moment, with everything.

"This is for us, I need to protect us."

I believed her whole-heartedly in that second. Her voice, a sweet honey that grazed my lips, her gaze, an addicting spotlight. We both breathed heavily as our foreheads touched gently. We remained that way, unspeaking. A part of me had to pull away, from her alluring promises and enticing words. Her eyes opened, pang and torment present in them, as she reached for my arm.

Her touch was firm yet gentle, a touch that kept me in place as I heard her whispered breath.

“Do you still love me?"

My heart was ripped from my chest. I spun to meet her pleading gaze, her desperate voice and I could not bring myself to lie. If only she knew the times I have dreamed of being by her side, of holding her hand, of embracing her, even then, she would not be able to fully grasp it.

"I do," the words escaped my lips. I watched her eyes shimmer with such intensity, I had to wonder; How could I not love you? How could I tell you that even if you hurt me, even if you toss me away, even if you hate me; in the abyss of my heart, you are always dear to me? Before I could even begin to put into words, she smiled in relief and my body trembled.

Then it was as if she read my expression effortlessly. Do you love me?

Her voice, more beautiful than any nightingale sounded. "I do.”  

I watched as she smiled, faint tears in her eyes. I should have returned to my room then and slept it off. The impulsivity, the rashness and the foolishness. But something urged me to stay, to be with her. I needed her in this moment, and she needed me too.

And I knew that I shouldn't have given in to her.

But like every time, I did.

It was sometime in April when the academy’s mid-terms were approaching, this was also the usual time-span in which a generous amount of trainees dropped out. They requested that we be of the best, meaning academically and ‘idol-wise’.  Regulations have gotten stricter over the past few months with the construction work almost complete. Curfew hours have changed, timetables, class arrangements and even some dorm reassignments. Unfortunately the rooftop was still strictly off-limits.

Perhaps it was due to the unusual stress and tension present in the dorms that I had an argument with Tiffany. A bad one, at that. I was the one at fault.

I hated the way she saw through me. It was as if I was as transparent as clear water and all she had to do was notice, and she did, always.

A part of me longed for her to leave me be, stuck in my old ways, stubborn and dismissive, but she would not allow such a thing. I wished for her to leave, give me time to become a better person and meet me again. I was not yet the person I wanted to be, and her constant attention made me weary of every action. She saw the ugly parts of myself, the things I hide but eventually seep out from my very being.

She embraced the qualities I despised and loved them equally. That made me uncomfortable. It was the need for perfection, for beauty in all aspects. Then that day, I finally snapped. I yelled at her and she tried to calm me down, but we ended up telling each other to never step into the room again.

I was harsh and said a deal of things I never meant. I could not tell if she was angry or hurt, as she stormed out the room, slamming the door purposely on her way out. I didn’t chase after her. I spent the remainder of the day completing homework and folding more stars, for no real reason. The anger didn’t subside, and soon, was directed at myself, at my insecurities.

I hated how she had came into my life with such importance, that there was no way for me to gently edge her out, the way I had always done when someone made me uncomfortable.

I did not know when I fell asleep, but when I did, it was because of an irritating constant knock on the door that I was woken abruptly. When I did drag myself to greet the guest, I was met by a short-haired junior who went by the name Min. I lent her my old exam papers previously.

She blinked, taking in my unusually casual attire and disorderly hair. My red hoodie was lopsided, a white raglan and sweatpants completed my ‘sleep’ look. She then looked over my shoulder, searching for the usual presence of Tiffany, but once she saw that there was only me, she said.  “It’s dinner.”

Min observed my reaction and I simply nodded, “thanks.”

Just before she turned the other way, she contemplated her question. “Where’s Miyoung?” Something must have given me away for Min sighed, signalling to the windows, to the darkness outside as she continued.“It’s dark and rainy and the wellbeing of your roommate is your responsibility. You could get in trouble for this too.”  

As much as I wanted to stubbornly insist that she was fine, with an exasperated sigh, I was persuaded by a junior to find my roommate. Namely the one I had an awful argument with a few hours earlier. God knows where she could have gone.  

“I’ll find her.” I told Min, the junior simply glanced up to me with stars in her eyes. “Cover for the two of us please.”  I knew the regulations have changed and two girls who have snuck out with their boyfriends were expelled without notice. I couldn’t risk that, not after what I had given up for this.

Min grinned, “Of course, think of this as a favor. You owe me one later.

I shrugged and threw on a waterproof jacket, took an umbrella and stuffed some fresh bills in my pocket. Min promised to lock the dorm door for me so I left. As I hurried down the halls I ran into an acquaintance. Like Tiffany, she had lived in America for some time before she came to Korea.

Jessica, she was called.  She looked at me, slightly confused by my haste.  “Where are you going?”

As much as I would have liked to explain everything to her, the matter was far too urgent to stop and elaborate. I apologized for bumping into her and continued down the hall, calling back. “Finding someone important.”

"Wow, that was pretty cool." Yuri stated with an airy chuckle as she sank into the van's seat.

The rest of the members continued talking about whatever came to mind, whilst I shut my eyes and sighed. The recent comeback has taken up a lot of our time and really worked us to the core. My limbs were fragile paper, my aching joints brittle, my body a sore vessel.

The van was never really silent. Sunny played songs from her phone and members often took turns singing. The only real argument was the complaint of music, considering everyone had different music tastes. The manager paid no real attention as he was busy dialling numbers for reservations.

Tiffany was beside me. She offered me her earphone, and I graciously accepted. There was a bag between us and I felt her hand beckon for mine underneath it.  Normally members did not hide skinship but we both knew that overdose of such a thing led to suspicions.

“Oh my god, you two are always in honeymoon phase aren’t you?”  Sooyoung said with a dramatic eye roll, causing all attention in the van to direct to the two of us. I noted the way the manager paused on the phone and watched us through the rear-view mirror.

“If I had a boyfriend, I’d want to be in honeymoon phase always.”  Yoona responded in defence, earning her an irritated look from Jessica.

“You already are in the honeymoon phase.” The ice girl corrected flatly. “Don’t even try telling me what happened on your last date, not interested.”

The van burst into laughter at Jessica’s comment and the manager gave us the look.

Strangely enough, we were not particularly sociable these days. We picked up takeaway from a nearby Chinese restaurant and returned to the dorms.

It was sometime during the meal when the manager asked to speak to me in private. I noted the way Tiffany’s worried gaze followed me on the way out.

We walked in silence to his car, where he stopped to face me with a serious expression.

“Is there something going on between you and Tiffany I should know about?”

His gaze was hard and cold. I met his eyes.

“I’m afraid I don’t-”

“Do not treat me as a delusional fan.” He snapped viciously. He knew what happened most of the time, even when we try to hide things from him.  He had almost become our father figure.

When his angered response was met with silence, he frowned, signs of stress evident on his aged forehead. I resisted the urge to snap back a retort.

“I see the way things unfold. I know more than you think I do and I hope you tell me the utter truth or you shall see yourself in an interesting position.”

His words were laced with venom.

“Now, tell me, is there something going on between you two?” He repeated, this time, eyes fixated on my response.

"No." The words slipped out of my mouth without second thought. I felt his cool gaze meet my eyes. I willed myself to not look away. After a few more seconds, he nodded slowly, as if reassuring the previous 'no'. With another blink of his eye he continued onwards, an unusual tone in his voice.  I hated it. I made our relationship fake.

"I am sure you are close with Tiffany, except, I believe it will be better for the both of you to realize your actions do cause misunderstandings."

I had to bite my lip to prevent anything from tumbling out. What do you know? And I was sure, the impulsive side of myself would had given him a piece of my mind, but I couldn't.

“Excuse me?”

He watched me with suspicion. “I am sure you know of the rumors, I believe there is a fine line between fanservice and dating a member of your own group.” I made sure nothing was revealed. The manager blinked and continued coolly.  “Either way, the rumors are getting out of hand, and we would like the two of you to be more mindful of your actions and words.”

He unlocked his car door, signalling the end of the conversation.

“Or else?” I dared to ask, a few heartbeats later, just as he sat down. I saw danger in his expression and I understood not to press further.  “I understand.” I fixed my comment.

He was not convinced.

“Whatever you are doing, it is a sin. I wish you come to your senses.”

“Do not accuse me of something you have no proof of.” I growled harshly, feeling the words sink into my skin.

He laughed. It sounded like metal against metal. “I am your manager, I see everything that happens under this dorm.” He shut the door and waved a lazy hand.  “Goodnight, Taeyeon.”

With that, I watched as he started his car and began to drive off into the distance. As I glanced up to the sky, I noticed how quickly the dark clouds have consumed it.

I need rain right now, more than anything.

And for once, the sky seemed to agree with me.

I ran down the halls, faster than I’d ever done before. The few trainees I ran into said that they had not seen her. I was convinced she wasn’t in the building. As there were the usual guards by the gates, I decided that it would be faster to slip out a window, and I did that.

The rain was coming down heavily. I trudged in a puddle, feeling the icy water soak through my sneakers and my socks, sending chilly shivers down my spine. I avoided another puddle of water as I took a detour, away from the guards. I groaned to myself as I pulled the hoodie over my head and zipped up my jacket. It was cold and I had no clue where the girl could have gone. I made a brief map in my mind and decided the best way was to go by blocks.

I persistently jogged two blocks with absolutely no sign of the girl. I had to stop to catch my breath. I’m everything but athletic. I stopped by a 7 eleven and stood under the store’s shelter roof. Despite the jacket, I was soaked to the bone. My teeth were chattering and I quivered nonstop. Just where the hell was she? I checked my wristwatch. It’s been four hours since I last spoke to her. What if she got lost? Her phone was still charging, therefore I wouldn’t be able to contact her in any plausible way. I sighed and stepped into the store.

Thank god it was heated. I stood by one of the heaters until my jacket was semi-dry. There was no one else in the store. As I made my way to the counter I began to smile, recognizing the familiar face who worked behind it.

The older male glanced at me then smiled tiredly. “Hey Taeyeon,” he greeted as he folded the novel he was reading. His thick-framed glasses drew attention to his well-maintained brows and brunette hair.

“Kwan,” I said in greeting. Kwan was one of my brother’s older friends who went to a University nearby. He was in the same year as my brother due to some health issues that required him to repeat one year.

He held up one hand in a lazy greeting. “What’s up? It’s kind of late, looking for anything?”

“Have you seen Miyoung by any chance?”

He blinked to my question and contemplated.   “Yeah, I think I saw her a while ago.” He glanced to the clock. “Maybe an hour ago? I’m not sure, the clocks in this place are never accurate.”

“Which direction?”

“Urgh that’s hard to tell.” He paused and thought about it before he spoke. “You know the bus stop, the one that has the rare bus that goes to the beach? That one.” He pointed to the general direction of the bus stop.

“Thanks, I’ll see you later, good luck for exams.” I said as I hurriedly made way for the exit.

“Yeah, thanks for that.”  Kwan called after me.

Sure enough, I found Tiffany where Kwan directed.

The exact proceedings after I can barely recall. I just remember that I took her to another hidden coffee shop that was open late. She was soaked, as was I. The raincoat did little good. As we sat in silence, sipping decent lattes and listening to the jazz, I finally managed to say something. An apology of some sort. She accepted.

We spent the night there.

Dreaming of old 90s slow-jams and jazz.

I returned to the dorm to discover the takeout had been devoured. Members now lay sprawled on the couch, watching TV, blogging, checking newsfeeds and reading. I took Tiffany by the hand, toward my car. I noticed the way Sooyoung rose her eyebrows in curiousity.

We were by the beach again, despite the manager’s clear warning. We would have to make it back by early morning, before he came into the dorm to hand us the month’s schedule. It was like the old trainee days again, when we constantly snuck out together, setting alarms in case we fell asleep in another small coffee shop that played soft jazz.  

I shut my eyes and listened to the sound of rain. It was washing away all the bad feelings and hurt. Tiffany’s voice sounded beside my ear, in a hushed tone, afraid to startle me.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Taeyeon." I opened my eyes slowly and turned to face her. She was just as troubled as I was. She sat, one hand running through her hair, the other rested on her knees, cocoon-like.

“I don’t know either,” my voice left before I had a chance to think.

She gave me a small smile and reached for my hand. As she played with my fingers she spoke, an emotion in her voice I couldn’t quite capture myself. “I have to be with Nichkhun, Taeyeon.”

My heart throbbed with an unwanted ache. “We'll figure it out.” I said eventually after a few heartbeats of hush. I closed my eyes. “Did he tell you to do this?”

Tiffany sighed and replied gently. “He spoke to me about it once, a few months ago. Recently he has been persistent and I… I don’t know Taeyeon, when I think of what the world will do to us I can’t… I just...”

"I love you.”

The words slipped from my lips and I watched Tiffany. A small smile was evident. She leaned in and our breaths collided. That was the only calm and peace I’d had all day.

“Things will get rougher from now,”  she murmured, almost tiredly as she kissed me again. I nodded in response. The storm was coming.

“Goodnight, my love.”  

“Goodnight,” Tiffany whispered.

My old aztec rug was warm, the two half full coffee cups in the cup holders, a calm piano piece played by my phone, and the two of us, in our glass dome of happiness. She kept me close that night. I dreamed of her, with the stars as a soft blanket, a guard of those beautiful dreams. The rain fell the whole night, cleaning my heart of all the dirt and grime, and instead, filled it with her, my love, Tiffany.  Her eyes were opals, mysterious gems that glistened countless palettes of fascinating colours. She was my bliss.

“I love you.”  I heard her whisper in her light sleep and I smiled drowsily. If only she knew the extent of my love too.

I made a silent promise to myself that night, with the rain as my witness.

We will protect us.

---

A/N: Please tell me if anyone is still reading this haha. Rushed.