{{Tiffany}}

x - - -

"Are you feeling okay?" 

I jumped lightly, earning an amused look from Nichkhun. I shook my head quickly in response. He just smiled and reached for my hand. For a millisecond, I saw Taeyeon's disappointed face. What did that mean? I was dazed again. Nichkhun was speaking with a little smile, eager to be able to spend the whole day with me. I felt awful because my thoughts drifted back to the dorm, to the sick Taeyeon. Why do I watch her with such intensity?  I shut my eyes briefly and felt her presence. Taeyeon was everywhere I  looked. She wasn't on my mind 24/7 but was always in the back of my head. I wonder if one day she would just be somewhere in my heart, just a name with a beautiful owner. Perhaps we would become strangers again. The cold air must had gotten to me as my heart chilled instantly. 

Even a liar like myself could not deny the truth. 

I don't want that, I don't want to be strangers. 

"If you're not feeling well, we can end it early today." Nichkhun's voice broke my thoughts as I snapped up to meet his concerned eyes. I just shook my head again, wordlessly. He frowned a little but I reassured him with a smile. In return, he offered me his warm gloves. The two of us walked slowly along the streets, careful to not stand out too much. Fortunately, the weather was not pleasant, resulting in less people. The whole day we went window-shopping and I couldn't help but to see a necklace that would suit Taeyeon. I must had been eyeing it intently as Nichkhun suggested to buy it for me as an anniversary gift. I pushed him lightly and we laughed it off. There's no need for it for me, such an elegant pearl would only suit Taeyeon.

That was my thought. 

But there was a darker one too. 

I doubt we would ever proceed to our next anniversary. 

See Nichkhun… Taeyeon has swept me away. 

x - - -

My eyes wandered to my forgotten phone. I reluctantly checked it, knowing well myself his name would be there. Nichkhun. I swiped and was met with three messages. The latest one read:  [ Where are you? I'm here waiting. ]

My body language must had failed me as Taeyeon glanced over, interested in the bright screen. I shut it quickly but she frowned, already reading the message. "You had a date," she stated unemotionally, her tone told me she wasn't pleased I said nothing about it. The car swerved abruptly on the road and came to a halt, onto the side of the highway. "Why didn't you say so?" her eyes were still focused on the road. I couldn't tell if she was angry or betrayed. I remained quiet. She rested her hands on the steering wheel and stared ahead. "I'll take you there, to Nichkhun."

 I searched her beautiful face for answers, for what I should say, but there were none. She clenched her teeth and lowered her head. "Where we going?" 

"I don't want to go." 

I caught her off guard by my blunt response. Her eyes flashed with annoyance for a brief second, as she was about to insist I cut her off. 

"I want to be with you. Is that not okay?"

She was surprised by my response but said nothing. Taeyeon turned away from me and sighed with a little nod. "If you say."  I laid a kiss on her cheek. The girl just blushed. 

"We should get something for dinner," she said absentmindedly as she averted eyes. I smiled. "Okay." 

She pulled onto the highway again and drove in the familiar direction, to the ocean. We stopped by a cosy Italian restaurant and had a simple dinner, before clambering back into the car and setting off again. The car stopped beside a convenience store. We were close to the beach, the salty scent already seeped in through the tightly shut windows. 

"Where are you going?" I watched as the girl got out of the warmth of the car. Taeyeon just blinked in amusement and said calmly: 

"Stay here. The windows are flash-proof." 

she shut the door and was gone. 

I took this chance to text a reply to Nichkhun. 

[Sorry! I think I'm coming down with a cold, we can meet up next time? So sorry ><;; ] 

Within seconds, a reply.

[Yah! Rest up! Next time you better not ditch me. If things don't go well, call me, I'll be there in a heartbeat. Goodnight and sleep well, love you. ] 

"Love you." If only I could say those words with just as much sincerity. But I can't. That phrase I threw around so often earlier, now holds more meaning than I could ever comprehend. I turned off my phone and tucked it safely away. I waited for Taeyeon through her dark windows and read the neon signs. The door opened and Taeyeon returned with enough snacks for the night and two thick blankets. 

"That convenience store…" I began and Taeyeon smiled.

"Yeah, we went there often, didn't we?" 

I just nodded."Yes, we did." 

She set the goods in the backseat and climbed in. She let out a long sigh. I tilted my head in interest as she just smiled. Her free hand brushed mine and we interlocked fingers. Our eyes met, but she said nothing. She parked the car in an empty car-park beside the ocean. It was late and raining, so the beach was completely deserted. She switched off the engine and we were left with the sound of raindrops. I in a breath and began. 

"We need to talk... About... Us." 

The beautiful girl blinked and murmured, flustered. "Y-you mean about..."

"Um... What happens when we're together…"I started softly, "And there's a bed."

"O-okay..." 

I felt awkward talking about this topic too, if not more awkward than Taeyeon for bringing this up. She was quiet, waiting for me to speak. "I want to be honest," I said, "Otherwise this will drag on and…" I struggled for words, I didn't know what else to say- but Taeyeon knew. 

"I know." 

My eyes fell on her. The girl had a small smile on her lips. Our hands interlaced, she looked me in the eye and murmured. "I love you." 

There was a pang in my heart. Not one of agony, but one of happiness. It felt right. 

"I... Love you too Taeyeon." I managed to utter out before I lost my ability to speak. The kid leader grinned like a dork. She added softly, "Then… Can we?" 

"Jeez!" 

"B-but I can't help it! You're addicting." She puffed her cheeks out and whined. 

"Control yourself."

Taeyeon pouted and murmured, "I want all of you." 

"I want you too." I responded quietly. 

So please, let me be the only one for you. 

"Miyoung..." 

"Yah, don't call me by my caterpillar name." I huffed and pushed her playfully. She was already used to my random outbreaks of violence so the shove didn't throw her off balance. Taeyeon just grinned, leaning closer. This was bad. We were breathing together, eyes locked. 

"You are my Miyoung. Butterfly or caterpillar, I love you." Taeyeon's silky voice captured me again. 

Breathless from her gaze. The intense eye-contact made me light-headed. My heart melted with overwhelming warmth. I was so happy. Who could have thought words could be so moving? 

"So…" she bit her lip and her eyebrows furrowed, such an action made my heart frantic. "Can I kiss you?" 

"You don't need to ask me that!" 

"B-but you said no-" The small girl frowned and muttered shyly, I inched closer and kissed her quickly. The girl was still gaping. I smiled cheekily and pulled away. My eyes were fixed on her moist lips. I'm grateful for everything that is possible. That I can be this close to Taeyeon. That I can touch her and hear her voice everyday. That we could be together because of one similar dream. 

"Kissing is okay…" I trailed off as the girl leaned in closer, her hot breath brushing my cheek. Her eyes glistened with a mysterious intent. Instinctively I shut my eyes and felt her lips gently press against mine. She was firm but not forceful as we parted for air. I was staring, but she just smiled and ran her fingers across her lips, savouring the taste. Her breath tasted of strawberry ice-cream. My favourite. But perhaps my favourite flavour now is Taeyeon. As if reading my mind, I felt her soft lips again, in another slightly rougher kiss. 

Taeyeon is the one who is addicting.

Her hands were on my hips, steadily. Though I had just laid a rule… 

We might be breaking them many times tonight. 

x - - - 

How would they react if they saw us like this? Would they erase us as though we didn't exist? They insist that this is sin, that what they say is right. But tell me, how could Taeyeon be a sin? Why do they, people that have never encountered or even experienced her unconditional kindness dare accuse her of being "evil"? If the God they speak of is as low as them, I would rather believe in nothing. Let me burn in the fires of hell for falling in love with a woman. I have anger inside of me, but when she kisses me, I feel it dissipitate. How could someone have such an effect on me? 

If you were to strip everyone of everything, we are all just equal.

I didn't fall in love with Taeyeon's height, I didn't fall in love with her weight,  I didn't fall in love with her gender,  I didn't fall in love with her wealth, I didn't fall in love with her appearance-- but I fell in love with the person she is, and because all these aspects are part of her, I will love them too. 

So you could say that I did fall in love with a woman. 

But not just any woman.

A woman named Taeyeon, whose love humanity could not measure, whose heart is wider than the galaxies... 

A woman who will always remain in this heart. 

x - - - 

His lips were dry and chapped, different from the way I perceived kisses to be. I pulled away and turned. Taeyeon. My heart stopped and the world caved in. Her eyes brimmed with tears, her expression full of hurt and disgust. "Taeyeon!" I found my voice and called out to her, but she had already sprinted off. He gently grasped onto my wrist but I shook him off roughly and chased after her. I didn't want Taeyeon to see anything. I was outside the dorms, but she was already out of sight. Gossip spread like wildfire and within seconds, trainees had their windows open and were streaming out of their rooms. My heart would not settle. I felt a touch on my shoulder and saw him. He just smiled apologetically and muttered an incoherent, "Sorry," before returning to the comfort of the dorms. It wasn't his fault. It was me. No one could make Taeyeon have such an expression.There were too many thoughts in my head, so much that I could barely acknowledge all of them.

"That little brat!" our dorm manager grunted angrily, pushing aside trainees who were blocking her way. She twirled the ruler in her hands, I could only wince to the thought of her frenzy beating. "Get back to your dorms!" she screeched at the curious trainees, "It's past curfew and I will have all your electricity turned off if you don't!" I retreated back to the dorms, flanked by querying girls. I was in no mood to tell them what happened so I just made an excuse, and they believed me. I told them I was fine, so they left. I was glad that they were gone but at the same time, disappointed that they could not see through this act. 

Only Taeyeon could. 

If I had acted this way, Taeyeon would pay attention. She would offer to walk me back. She would sing another old Korean song I had never heard of, but in the process of listening to her voice, I would learn and understand. She would sit with me and probe for answers. But they were not Taeyeon, and he was not Taeyeon. Only Taeyeon was Taeyeon. I stopped in front of the room we shared. My head buzzed with questions. Will she come back? Where will she go? Will she get in trouble? Is she on her way back now? Will she ignore me?  I turned the doorknob and headed inside. For the first time, this room full of our belongings seemed eerily empty. Usually when I returned, she would be on her chair, with her earphones in, humming quietly as she speedily finished her homework on her unstable desk. Afterwards, the two of us would skip out on MCing practice and head to the roof. It was closed off but Taeyeon had her ways. Then the two of us would head to our different practices and meet again afterwards, tired and worn out. Taeyeon would often leave the curtains the way they are and sit cross-legged on the carpet, staring outside at the magnificent stars at night. I would be on my own bed, attempting to learn Korean but soon, my attention would be fixated on her. Her gaze was outside, to the sky, somewhere beyond my comprehension… But my stare rested on this compassionate leader in front of me. These were the little things that I never really thought about because Taeyeon was always mine. These are the things we never speak of because she knows.

She knows how much I treasure her. 

I sat down on my bed and waited. I prayed to God that she would come back. I didn't know who I would be without Taeyeon. This girl had become part of my identity, a part of myself. I lay on my back and stared at the ceiling and felt tears come to my eyes. I recalled her disgusted look and shut my eyes tightly and cried. The first time after my mom passed away. 

I'm sorry.

x - - -

Taeyeon was asleep.

I was glad her fever settled down. When she was sick she often fell into grumpy mood-swings. I watched her peaceful smile and relaxed figure. This was the only time when she could truly let down her guard. There are always a lot of things on her mind, and I know she doesn't talk to me about all of them. I also know she's always deep-in-thought. As much as I don't want to admit it, her heart is still guarded by strong walls and barbed wire, making it impossible for me to pass through. Even so, I believe one day she will open her heart up completely to me, the way I am willing to do for her.  I studied her untroubled expression for answers. Why did you break up with Leeteuk? My eyes softened as she stirred lightly. The answers Taeyeon have given me were always open-ended. 

Perhaps people do change, sometimes, far beyond recognition. But a lot of the time, the world remains the same and continues spinning, the one who has changed is you. And because you changed, this dull world can be viewed from a completely different perspective. I wonder if Taeyeon knows that the day she stepped into my life, it had spun three-sixty degrees for the best. 

My eyes wandered to the fogged glass, decorated with a mixture of beautiful cold rain drops and late night dew. The moonlight seeped into our enclosed space, casting astounding river patterns onto the seats and her breathtaking figure. I watched, voiceless. Such a fleeting moment… But one I will remember. I gently ran my finger across her soft, doll-like lips and felt the creases she had gotten from smiling too much. I let my hand investigate her cheek bones, her nose and her lovely eyelashes. 

Maybe it's time.

I unlocked my phone and saw his number. If I were to lose my phone, there would only be one contact I could enter correctly. 

I know Taeyeon's number off by heart. She is on my speed-dial, my favourites list, the secret component in my purse- the secret component in my heart. I swiped and selected "dial". This is cruel. I promised him and now, not only do I not show up, I call him and tell him the words I dread. This is for the best. I can't love him whole-heartedly, the way I love her. I can't offer him what Victoria had offered. But that is not the terrifying thing… I know, despite my relentless reassurance- that I am relieved to be away from him. 

I am relieved that this facade is coming to an end. 

I won't lie anymore.

Now there is only Taeyeon. I took in a breath and held the phone against my ear and heard it ring. I shut my eyes and waited for his voice, the final time he would speak so lovingly to me, the final time he would smile when receiving this call… The final time he would think about loving me. From this second onwards, I made a silent promise to both Taeyeon and myself.

Just the two of us. 

x - - - 

A/N: Annyeong~ This update had been delayed forever LOL. Thanks to all your awesome comments! Sorry, I can't update consistently (like a ton of other authors), but I hope the content is worth it "Orz. Well lovelies, see you later. This chapter is a bit rushed too. I wanted to give you guys an update :\