{{Taeyeon}}

x - - - 

"Life is a bore," was what I thought.

Every day was a schedule.  I got up, I went to school, I learned about things I didn’t care about, I return, I sing, I dance, I do homework, I eat, I shower, I sleep and I wake up the next morning - with a few tears every now and then. It is always the same with an occasional skill-check.

I thought I could handle the intense pressure, but it was difficult.

I was under the impression that the harder I worked, the easier things would come, but I was wrong. The harder you work, the more hard you need to work in order to achieve what you wished for.

SME were stretching me as far as I could. I know that they could care less about me. They want the money, and if I were to become successful, they would cling onto me until they drained the last drop of moneymaking talent I had left within.

Music does not matter to them.

If I suddenly were not able to sing, they would leave me in a split second. I would not blame them. In such a fast-paced industry, there is no room for doubt or hesitation. There is only absolute precision and perfection, anything that settles below that is not good enough.

Obviously the life of an idol wasn’t going to be all glossy, and I knew that. Even so, I thought this would be a gate to open a new adventure for me. A place where I can start afresh and re-build my life the way I wanted to, sing the songs I wanted to, be the self I wanted to.

A lot of the times, it is not like that.

A singer is a lonely career. Even now when I think of it, what do my fans mean to me? A lot, I know. Yet, they are complete strangers, that if we were to cross each other on the street that would be it. No chemistry, no words exchanged, no smiles given. Life would continue on as normal.

That is an idol's career. Your life is basically a shooting star, it is scintillating while it lasts, but is over in a heartbeat. I do not wish to be forgotten, but I cannot be young forever, a pretty face will only get you so far.

"Taeng, you and I are ordinary people."

My father said to me one day. The ten-year-old self then just stared back, into his deep knowledgeable eyes. I could only wonder curiously about what he meant. We were normal people; therefore we must study hard and get into a good college, find a good job and lead ordinary lives. Geniuses could breeze through everything and become millionaires, improve technology and science, and even start profitable business. The challenged ones with an IQ of below average would only struggle and depend on others for the rest of their lives.

I didn't completely understand then. I just knew he was telling me in an indirect way I could not sing. You're wrong. I wanted to tell him. This is my life, not yours, stay out of it. But then, such mature words escaping the mouth of a ten-year-old was not suitable, so I listened. He continued to talk but my attention shifted to the birds outside, the overpowering presence of the sky. How could I feasibly become a bird?

I was on the outside looking in. The teacher's classes were boring. While my classmates mused about the interesting experiment, I found myself blocking out all the noise and humming my own tune. In math while my classmates complained about the difficulty of the task, I found my interest resting on the clouds outside. "A good girl, but she needs to focus more in class." They said.

I knew I should focus, but something was just not right.

I wanted to be elsewhere. Away from this school. Away from this town. I wanted to go somewhere further. Beyond what I thought was "the world".

From the very beginning, I would stay in the canvas of an ordinary person. Because I am not gifted in music, I cannot become a musician. Because I am not gifted in Korean, I cannot write stories people wish to read. I had to remain stable, stay in school and proceed to study a major I have no interest in - in order to survive.

My mother told me one day, "Find what you love and let it kill you."

It was delusional, yet it gave me the strength I needed to take the plunge. If I failed, I would have turned my life for the worse. Now I think, when did I become so afraid of trying? If I were told to bungee jump off a tower now, I would hesitate. I would check the ropes a million times. Whereas then, I think I would have just done it.

Fear is a funny thing. It seems to either grow stronger on one person or completely vanish from their lives.

And right now, every day, I am colliding with it.

The only way I can destroy this unwanted feeling is to tackle it head-on.

I still remember vividly. I was lost, when Tiffany appeared. Perhaps she was a gift from Heaven, my blessing.

This girl, my angel, my goddess, could smile happily when her heart was aching. She could demonstrate such inhumanely possible kindness to those she had never met before, she could make me run a thousand miles just to catch a glimpse of one of her heart-melting eye-smiles.

How could such a person exist? She possessed all the traits humans were lacking. It is impossible to hate her. There was something about her presence that was hypnotising, so that I found myself constantly glancing her direction…

I knew. From the second I saw her, the second she smiled, I knew that this girl would be extraordinary. But I never thought that I would fall so head over heels for her. I never thought I would become such a love-struck fool.

x - - -

"Ah, Taeng." Leeteuk's surprised expression always managed to amuse me. The male beamed happily and pulled the door open. His hair reeked of hairspray and Gatsby. It was cold outside but Super Junior's dressing room had multiple heaters, even so, Leeteuk wore a simple but refined long-sleeved black shirt and classy denim jeans.

"Are you busy now?" I asked, sensing the heavy tension in the room. Make-up artists, hair-dressers and the lot were rushing around the room, though there was little communication made between, I could tell they were speaking in their own special language.

"I finished my shots so I'm fine." He said with a merry laugh.

Though I have visited him many times before, it is always hard to get used to the agitated atmosphere. It was not shocking, considering Super Junior is a large group and needed more time to get ready.

A tall woman hurried past us with a heap of crumpled ties. My gaze trailed after her curiously. Leeteuk noticed this and spoke up.

"They're searching for Kyuhyun's tie. They suspect he might have mixed them up with SHINee's batch."

I just smiled.

Leeteuk grinned widely and leaned forward. "Did you miss me?" He lifted one brow and smirked. I gave him an expression full of disbelief. He flashed me a disappointed look and straightened up again. I could tell he was troubled by a lot of things.

"I'm off to the army soon, you know." He said with a hidden sigh, I saw a little frown form on his lips.

Guilt.

"Be careful." I managed to say calmly, the way I always do.

I'm a terrible person.

He thought I was here because I missed him, because I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible because I love him. How would he react if I told him that the one I wanted beside me was not him? I couldn't. This is cruel. I can't possibly lay down such heartbreaking news, especially when he was leaving for the military so soon. But I can't do this anymore.

In my thoughts I hadn't noticed the seconds that passed that I have remained mute.

"Worried about me?" He asked cheekily, prodding me playfully after seeing the heavy look on my face.

"Of course." I forced a smile. He couldn't tell the difference. "Can we talk in private?"

A serious expression formed on his face as he nodded. The two of us left the crowded Super Junior dressing room and headed toward the balcony for some fresh air. Today was unexpectedly quiet. A cloudy day with a forecast of rain. As I pondered about how to word what I wanted to say, Leeteuk broke the silence with a question.

"Are you pregnant?"

I looked at him in disbelief. "Teukie, we haven't done anything yet."

He just poked his tongue out and chuckled, "Can we?"

I rolled my eyes. He frowned and embraced me in a hug. Cologne. "Have you fallen for me?" I could hear the impish tone in his voice. I sighed inwardly. I shut my eyes and cleared my thoughts. I heard my heart speak.

Tell.

"Leetuek," my voice was muffled by his shirt. He slowly pulled away from the unreturned hug and frowned. "What's up Taengoo? You're so uptight today." He spoke with an edge of concern in his voice. It ripped me to shreds.

I in a deep breath and looked him in the eye. I saw my own reflection. All the people in this world are merely mirrors to reflect on yourself. I saw a bad person in his eyes. He was genuinely worried. I was about to say a heartless thing that will hurt him for the rest of his life.

I had to. I must. I must change for the better. I know I will hurt people in the process, it is unavoidable. This is selfish. Today, my happiness will come first. Today, the truth will come out.

Today, I will let myself be reborn as the Kim Taeyeon I want to be.

I asked for courage, I asked my body to co-operate with me, I asked my heart to speak out and I felt it.

"It's over."

It took the male several seconds to register the phrase that escaped my mouth. He tilted his head and laughed shakily. "What?" He asked, "You and Tiff's friendship?"

I bit my lip. "Us."

"Are you feeling okay?" I felt his hand on my forehead, "There's something off with you today." He didn't want to believe his ears, he wouldn't believe his ears.

"Nothing. There is nothing Leeteuk. There never was anything." I had to remember to breathe in order to not break down into an emotional wreck.

His hands intertwined with mine. His words were sincere, strong and full of certainty. "I'll help you get over him."

I would have given in, but today, I can't.

"It won’t work, Leeteuk." My words were firm and decisive. As I tried to pull my hand away, he laid his other hand on our entwined fingers.

"I can change."

I shut my eyes briefly. "The one who needs to change, is me."

"I can help you." He insisted. I wanted him to give in, to let me go, to let this breakup remain simple. Life enjoys making simple things complicated. It's time.

A secret of mine that I have bottled up for all my life, a little voice inside my heart is urging me to tell him the truth, for he deserves it for loving me so unconditionally.

"I'm gay."

The weight of the universe was instantly lifted off my shoulders. What I never wanted to say, admit or believe is true. I thought that my hands would be clammy, I would be crying and my emotions will run wild again. For once in my life, I was sure, I was unafraid. I felt a layer of warmth enclose around me. Surely, this was the love of the galaxy. It was kind and the greatest feeling in the world.

His eyes were as wide as saucers. "I might not be young Taeng or the best looking, but you can't shrug me off with an excuse like that."

I did not retort or retaliate, I just stared into his eyes. There must had been many thoughts rushing through his head. I stood my ground. Slowly, I felt his hands brush away from mine. "Love can change, can't it?" his voice was hesitant, as if all confidence had been drained out of him.

"Not this one," I whispered softly so that only he could hear. "This girl, we were meant to meet."

He gaped at me in disbelief. I could sense his wanting to say something. To convince me that he was the right one. He could feel my determination, my honesty, so he said nothing more. His eyes were pained. It hurt me. He lowered his head and looked at me again, this time, a sad smile on his dry lips.

"You couldn't wait, could you?"

His words skewered a thousand sharp swords straight through my heart. I clenched my teeth and met his gaze, unwavering, steadily. The wave of emotions hit me harder than a tsunami. He laughed hopelessly and laid the palm of his hand on his forehead.

"I don't want to lie to you anymore."

I don't want to lie to anyone anymore.

He laughed harder. In the midst of his laughter, I could hear overwhelming regret and despair. His hand slid down over his eyes. His heaving shoulders told me it was becoming difficult for him to breathe properly. He stopped laughing and said softly, “You’re serious?"

Fragments of his pain streaked down his cheeks. He still smiled. Not a happy smile, a smile full of melancholy and heartbreak, and I caused this.

"You're risking your career for someone who doesn't like you back?" he murmured quietly.

Yes.

"Her smile is enough." I responded.

He clenched his teeth and let out another soft, defeated chuckle.

"Go then." His voice cracked, his tone was weak, bearing no resentment. I wished he would yell at me, throw out all his anger and annoyance. His mellowness made my sore wounds hurt one million times more. This was just the way Leeteuk is. The Leeteuk I like a lot, but the Leeteuk who is nothing compared to my Miyoung.

I felt his empty gaze on me all the way out. I wanted to say so much, but I couldn’t. All these pitiful words would only spray salt on his open-wounds and feed the hope in his heart, that he could be my number one. I must drench the flame in his heart completely in order for both of us to move forward. I knew all this, I knew this would happen- yet only two words repeated themselves inside my mind, over and over…

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

As much as I wanted to turn around and tell him that he did nothing wrong, I couldn’t. This was meant to happen, a long time ago, I convinced myself that this is my reality. I wanted to love him the way I love her, but I can’t, because he isn’t her. Miyoung is Miyoung. Leeteuk is Leeteuk. His smile is lively but Miyoung’s smile is… Something more, the light in her eyes is bright, brighter than any gems in the universe.

The way she smiles and the way she talks, the way she laughs and the way she gazes at me, is something that belongs only to Miyoung. I like to think that I only interact with her that way too.

Leeteuk isn’t the person I love.

The person I love more than anything I have ever known, or will come to know… Is a girl I met just a few years ago. There is something about the way she smiles that melts this guarded barrier around my heart. There is something about her kindness that puts me at ease. There is something about this girl that makes me breathless every time we meet.

There is something about this girl… That makes me fall deeper in love with every second we spend together…

There is something about Tiffany, Stephanie, Miyoung… That makes me indefinably happy.

I told myself that this will be the end. This old fearful Taeyeon that I dislike so much, I will dispose of her. I will mold myself into the person I want to be. The first step of that was to let myself be reborn.

Today, I will move forward and not look back.

x - - -

"TaeTae, it's already dark." Tiffany said softly, brushing my wrist gently with her tender fingers. Her touch sent goose bumps rippling up my arms and legs. I made unwanted eye contact with the gorgeous beauty. She frowned a little as she added quietly, "We haven't had dinner yet either."

I turned the keys and the engine roared to life. I shut my eyes for a second and took in a deep breath of chilly air. I looked toward the girl. Her concern, love and kindness was overflowing, she cared about me so much that it made me uneasy. The kindness that radiated off her was unbelievable.

I sighed. "Can you stay with me tonight?"

My sudden request startled her. The girl nodded, her head bobbing up and down. A small smile had begin to form on her perfect lips, a light blush becoming apparent on her rosy cheeks. She drew me in once more.

As I leaned toward her, our eyes locked and our breaths evened. Our hearts seemed to beat in unison. Tiffany her lips and initiated the kiss. Her lips were warm and heavenly. Her soft tongue ventured into my mouth, this gentle kiss was rapidly escalating into a rough, passionate one. I slowly pressed against her, her body soon cornered against the misty window. My hands impulsively

Tiffany broke the kiss gently, her hands automatically meeting mine. She struggled to catch her breath, our eyes met. She whispered out-of-breath, "Are we going to do it?"

A black pit opened up in my stomach and swallowed everything. I felt empty inside. It was silent for a few moments before I spoke again.

"It makes you uncomfortable doesn't it?"

"It's not that!" Her voice was unpredictably loud, I instinctively flinched. She snapped me out of whatever was consuming my insides. The girl shook her head furiously and furrowed her brows in frustration. Her grip on my hand momentarily tightened. Immediately she lowered her voice and said in a hushed tone,

"Taeyeon's alright. I can let Taeyeon do it."

My heart told me she was telling the truth. My brain switched off. I want to believe in this moment. I want to believe in her words. I want to be sure. I want to let it be. I want to let all the doubt rise with the raindrops.

My heart hammered against my chest, an earthquake erupted within. I found myself staring, Tiffany flushed three shades of red and muttered, barely audible: "I can't do it when I'm hungry."

I couldn't hold in the laugh. Whatever was inside me burst. Those dark feelings were eased away by the sound of rain and Tiffany.

Tiffany gave me an irritated look and pushed me playfully, "Yah! I'm serious here!" I only laughed harder. The girl pouted in annoyance, her adorable pout soon transformed into a weak smile.

I managed to stop myself from laughing and looked at the beautiful girl beside me. Tiffany ran her fingers through her hair and returned my stare.

"I got it,"I smiled. "Let's eat then?"

My angel smiled. “Okay."

"What do you want?"

"Wherever you take me."

I reversed the car. The rain continued.

"Then I'll take you to a good place."

Tiffany smiled and laid back into the passenger seat. I turned the car's heater on, enough to warm the two of us up and keep the temperature steady. There was no need for radio though, because Tiffany was already singing softly.

I wanted to tell her that she is the only one who had been in a car with me at night. That this space belongs only to us. This is our secret night date. While everyone is rushing home for dinner, the two of us can venture out together without the fear of ridicule. We can forget what makes us, "us" and just enjoy our time together.

For it won't last forever.

Our rooftop had been shut down ever since the never-ending construction going on beside the trainee dorms. We won't be able to go there anytime soon. That's okay though. I know somewhere; my greatest memories remain there. That grizzled, ancient roof made everyone seem so diminutive, the town below it stretched as far as good vision would allow. Every day the sky was doused in an alluring blue, enough to make the rest of the world grow faint.

The beauty of the world around me was always here. The existence of angels, too. Tiffany is the best evidence of that. She is here to remind me of the hope in the world.

I must change.

Starting from tonight.

I will block out all disturbances and focus on Tiffany.

For tonight, only the two of us exist.

x - - -

Is there a cure for love-sickness? If there is, I need it.

This life of mine, is a train station.

I’ve missed the train. I can see myself by the station, on the cracked benches with clasped hands, staring at the unchanging scenery. The train had gone and I could not catch it even if I sprinted as fast as possible. I would look at the railways and ponder about whether I should follow after it, or just be patient and see if another one comes along. Like always, I would get up, saunter over to the rails before returning to the benches. So, like the words the teachers constantly  say to me, "Be patient". So I listen and I wait.

This barrier that was easing away is strong again. Miyoung is ignorant. She doesn’t sense the way I feel, which is good, yet agonizing at the same time. She was late. It was four thirty and she was still nowhere to be seen. Again, those ugly thoughts consumed me. She could have missed the bus again. I felt pathetic. I should know where she is. I lowered my head and let out a long sigh.

There’s a monster inside me.

I know there is a bad side of myself. This beast that resides inside my heart’s cavern is asleep. As these emotions trap themselves inside, the cavern rumbles and little pebbles hit the beast, stirring it slightly. Once it becomes too much, the cavern will shake violently and the beast will awaken in a blind rage.  Then I would have lost myself.  No sight of Miyoung.

This shouldn’t be surprising; I shouldn’t expect her to spend every second of her day with me, but this was what she has been doing for the last couple of months—and as much as I hated admitting it, I liked her company.  It was weird not having her around all of a sudden.  Time was passing so slowly. I got up and plodded down the stairs. For the first time, they felt endless.

“That girl’s gotten so close to him lately,”
“That eye-smile one?”
“Yeah, she never came down to the trainee rooms before.”
“She was always with that other girl wasn’t she?”
“What's that girl's name anyway? They're always on the roof.”
“Maybe she got sick of her,”
“Well, it is kind of weird.”

I stopped behind the final door and heard the two girl trainees laugh as their footsteps became more distant. My hand still rested on the handle. I didn’t need Miyoung with me. I’m perfectly fine alone. Yet, I wanted to find her.  I pushed the door open and heard the eerie squeak of the old gears. The halls were empty again.  As I strolled down, I noticed how deserted the roof appeared to other people. I turned a corner and came to an abrupt halt.

Miyoung.

Everything registered in my head.

My Miyoung was kissing him.  That male she barely knows. His dirty, chapped lips. I must have made a noise. As her eyes opened, I saw the surprised expression on her face. The male too, saw her expression and turned around.

She was a beautiful deer in the headlights.

Her lips opened, and ever so perfectly, “T-Tae?” She whispered, barely audible.

I died.

I didn’t reply. I just turned around and ran. To where, I was unsure. I just knew I wanted to be away from him, the one Miyoung treasured more than me. The one she regarded to as "dearer". I heard some trainees gasp as I sped past them, a teacher yelled something but I couldn’t hear. I was sick of this place. I had not even begun climbing the ladder to success yet, and I am quitting. Quitting is my escape. I can’t bear this anymore. Call me weak but I am, and I won’t try to hide it.

The next second, I was out the building and racing down the streets. I heard some dorm-supervisors shrieking commands, I could care less about their judgment then. I wanted to be equally loved. I wanted to be more loved. The Lord punished me for my greed, I deserved it.

I wished my life could be a drama. The two protagonists always end up together, and because if I was in a bad mood, the sky would cry for me and lighten the pain.  But this wasn’t a drama, this was reality, and I wasn’t Miyoung’s protagonist, I was a supporting character, and judging by the clear sky, it would not rain anytime soon.

I didn’t care. Screw everything. My heart felt like it was bursting, my breathing was heavy and I in irregular breaths of air. I lost my sense of direction and just sprinted to wherever my legs took me.  It would have been cool if I ran off somewhere far away so she could never find me, but I was never a good athlete, I managed four blocks at most and stopped before I felt sick. My heart pounded uncontrollably, tightened painfully and I walked to a nearby park. It was empty, like my heart.

I sat down on the swings. it.  My breathing still hasn’t returned to normal. It was around six then, so the park was completely empty. The sun had begun to sink; soon the sky was painted with scorching autumn colours. I sat still. By the time I came to my senses, it was already dark and the flickering street lamp had . I wanted to run away. To become trapped in a place where I could be alone, with just music. Something bad has existed in me from the very beginning, and Miyoung, was unknowingly bringing it out. I wanted to just stay on that swing for the next five years and sulk, let life throw what it wishes and let me go. How funny. Barely an adult and already sick of life. I had to return to my head. My heart longed to stay here but my logical mind told me that my body needed rest, I was thirsty and my head hurt from the cold wind. I stubbornly sat still for another twenty minutes before my body took control.

I made way back to the dorms and got a loud scolding from the dorm-manager. I could care less.  She saw the indifference in my eyes and just sighed in exasperation, shooing me back to the rooms after a few rough lashings on the hand with a rigid ruler.The trainees popped their heads out of their rooms in interest; I just passed by and ignored them, as usual. They turned to one another and whispered. I wanted to slam their faces into the plaster walls. My hands were numb from the beating, just that clenching them lightly almost brought me to tears. I was at the verge of giving up everything and returning to my old life.

I stopped at the door to the room  Miyoung and I shared.I didn’t want to go in. I would rather sleep in the hall than go inside. My eyes returned to the curious trainees. I was being stared at as if I were some rare specimen that had just landed on Earth. I took in a deep breath of musty dorm-air and pushed the door open with my sore hands. Her arms were instantly around me. Her embrace that second, was my everything.

.

Like several times before, I lost all resolution and resentment. I melted into her arms.

x - - -

A/N: Sorry, in the last AN I seemed really rushed (because I was =_=” ), this slightly longer chap should make up for it, right? Life’s busy as always, need to find time to update. All comments, subbies, readers and voters welcome~ I’m never scary.