Chapter 20: Of Sorrowful Memories & Fleeting Steps Chapter 20 Theme Song: Bluebird by Rottyful Sky   Instrumental 3     ♥♥♥     I locked the studio and instead of getting into the car that sent us here, I sat at the staircase in front of the studio, explaining to the camera of how embarrassing it was for me that my partner left again, but that now, I'm coping with it better than before. Of course it was a lie. What do you expect? For me to break down crying like some weakling in front of the cameras again? So that I can win viewers' love by being pitiable? Isn't that, the saddest way to be loved for? That night, I've promised myself to not get any more pathetic than that. And now I'm keeping up that promise. I've already cried twice throughout the times spent here, for different reasons, and frankly, that's more than enough. I shouldn't have let emotions overcame me at all.   I'm not sure if Hyungsik had left back to our staying place, but our vehicle was still where it was parked. And it looked empty from here. After ten minutes or more of being seated on the staircase, I tried to got up, but my legs were already numb from not making any movement for more than five minutes. Luckily, the cameraman oppa extended his hand to help me up.   "Thanks oppa, ehh..." I lost words at the realization that the person who pulled my hand to help me up, wasn't really the person I thought.   "Hyungsik? Ahh, you're ready to go back? Let's go." I smiled, as cheerfully as ever. I didn't want him to feel burdened because of what happened less than half an hour ago. If I could let Jaebum forfeited a mission without making a big deal, there's no reason I had to treat Hyungsik differently. He wasn't smiling at all, and I didn't like that guilt plastered all over his face. It made me feel like he was pitying on me.   "Hello~" I waved my free hand before his face. "You can let go now. Noona can already stand and walk now. Thanks."   "Noona, can you...give me the key?" He motioned towards the small dance studio's door that's now locked. And he still hadn't let go of my hand. My eyes narrowed to that hand. He really felt guilty, and sorry. This is actually the first time he held my hand even though it was the second time we're together on this island. I don't want anyone to hold my hand just because they felt sorry for me. It reminded me of that unpleasant memory I'd rather forget.   "Let go of my hand first, how do you expect me to look for the key like this?" He immediately did as told, like the good boy he is. And I smiled as I took out the key we received earlier, from my pouch and unlocked the place. He was quick to turn on the lights before I could repeat that action like when we first arrived here.   "You know...the mission...it isn't even a big deal. I hate dancing anyway. I'm...even with my members, I always trip and injured myself so...I'm..." I went on and on too much. I wanted to say how I'd rather not do the mission. How I'd be glad to not do it. But it was all lies I couldn't continue to carry on. I didn't want him to feel obliged to do this mission just because he felt guilty. It would be embarrassing, if somebody forfeited a mission with me again. But it's more embarrassing, more hurtful if they decided to be with me out of pity, and then told me that they'd rather be with someone else, and apologize.   Apologize, as if I begged for their love and mercy and they gave it, but only for the camera. So, they felt sorry for this pathetic woman who had to beg and still only received fake love.       That was what happened during the fifth day of filming.  We had a fake final selection session. PDnim said, he wanted to confuse the viewers and give them surprise when they think that was the end. Yet it wasn't. I was asked to choose who I wanted as my final choice and I said Mireu. Even though I hated him to a certain extent for his foul mouth, I couldn't choose Jaebum, because I knew he liked someone else. Well, Mireu liked Miss Nam, but I could handle that. Because his feelings wasn't important to me. I would just choose him, but didn't necessarily mean I would be hoping to be with him for real.   I wished I could say the same about Jaebum. I really do.   On the end of that fifth day, he unexpectedly chose me as his final choice though, and that, really caught me offguard. Why did he change? Or maybe...he didn't? Maybe he was nice all along and just wanted to surprise me. That was what I thought. Because no matter how different he became after that first two days, the warmth he emitted when I first met him, even before I could memorize his name other than reminding myself that his name sounded like that one 2PM member or...umm, ex-member, it had been imprinted in my mind, and maybe, not just in my mind. He wouldn't answer seriously, the reason he chose me, other than brief, unclear explanation in few words, but the next day I learnt that maybe, I didn't want to hear his reasons after all. Because when he told me those words on our yet another date at a cafe, I realized I had been made a fool again. And I had nobody to blame but myself.   "Noona, I hope you don't feel too burdened about yesterday. I was...it was...Jei noona...she said she would choose someone else. Not me."   My heart stopped ticking at that very moment, as if waiting for the time bomb to burst into wild fire. I should be running away to save my life, but my feet wouldn't budge, wouldn't move an inch. They're glued, waiting to be consumed by the fire, waiting to be sentenced by his next words.    Like a marionette unable to be in control of her own strings, I nodded lifelessly at him.   "Actually, I liked Jihyun noona too, even though we never get to speak, it's frustrating that I never got a chance with her too."   Again, I nodded. Feeling my head spinning even faster every time he o