Your POV

It’s been over a week since my fainting incident, but they are yet to release me from the hospital.

Everyday Yongguk has visited me and has yet to miss seeing me two times a day even when he’s tired from practice in mornings and at night.

Today is no different and he’s on time today… As he has been.

I hear him call my name as he enters the room but I still stay facing the window pretending he’s not here like most days.

I have yet to acknowledge him since the first night/morning that I woke up in the hospital and asked him to hold me in my sleep.

When I had woken up the next day he was gone, but he left a letter that he’d visit me later.

“Are you still ignoring me pretending that I don’t exist. I’m alright with that because I deserve it. I told Himchan everything and he said that some trainee that was trying to get into my pants had my phone that day. I’m sorry I should have been more careful with it. I wish I knew why you were in the hospital, but I know you won’t tell me.”

I’m tempted to turn around and yell at him that I was in the hospital because I had a miscarriage because of the stress that he gave me.

Instead I keep staring out the window until I feel something soft set beside me.

I don’t look, but I hear Yongguk say, “You always loved this stuff animal I found it in my dorm room and I thought I’d give it back to you.”

In my head I’m smiling as he sets the Eeyore stuffed animal at my side.

I hear him pull a chair next to the bed, “I remember you telling me about this Eeyore. It was a present from your grandmother. I always find it funny how you loved Eeyore and I was a Tiger kid.”

“You still are,” I want to say, but instead I keep that thought to myself.

He laughs a bit, “You know I’ve always thought of you. I know that sounds lame and I probably would have been Gibb slapped if you weren’t ignoring me. Still it’s nothing, but the truth. I have been thinking about you whenever I wasn’t trying to make my mind busy. I still have everything that I gave you that you had thrown at me the day we broke up.”

I know I’m crying and I’m glad that he can’t see my tears.

I hear his voice get choked up like it usually does when he’s in here, “I’m so sorry. I know I may never get another chance with you, but can we try to move past everything and work together.”

I want to tell him, “Alright we can. let’s ignore the past and pretend to be strangers starting a new,” but I can’t say that.

I can’t even open my mouth.

“What was that English song that you used to love... I think it was a song by Rihanna, maybe Take a Bow was the song. You use to dance to it around the apartment.”

I smile to myself still crying a little bit.

He keeps talking, “You love all kinds of music it surprised me. I mean you didn't stick to one genre you were always jumping around. One side of your apartment is all Cd’s and that other is books. I always wondered how did I end up with such a girl? She’s perfect. She has brains and loves music in itself. Yet... I messed everything up like I usually do.”

I know he’s crying from how shaky his voice is and from the way he’s gripping my hospital bed... It’s not very big.  

“Hyung,” I think it’s Junhong that had come into the room, “Hyung are you alright?”

“Yeah, just sitting through memory lane. What do you need Zelo?”

“The guys want to talk with you,” I hear the kid tell Yongguk.

When they leave the room I hear a chair being pulled around to come face to face with Himchan who looks pissed.

When he sees my tear streaked face and how I look so sleep deprived, I probably look worse than when I had come into the hospital, he softens up a little bit but he seems still annoyed with me.

“Are you enjoying hurting him?” he asks me even though he knows I’m hurting like Yongguk is, “You know he has been holding onto that stupid stuff animal for how long and now here you are hurting him again. He has been missing you Jin Kyoung. He still loves you. I know your secret. I know one of the big reasons why you won’t look him in the eye.”

I look up probably looking like a deer in the headlights, “I don't’ know what you’re talking about.”

he leans over and whispers, “I know about how you had lost his baby.”

I looked up shocked, scared, mad, and then hurt, “My sister told you.”

“What of it?  Why don’t you tell him?”

I look up with tears streaking my face again, “You’re kidding me right. Making me relive it and tell him. I will see his face and probably deal with him feeling guilty because he wasn’t there for me. I will feel guilty for pushing him away. Himchan I relive losing him everyday and I don’t know what to do. I can’t face him and I feel worse now that I see him more often again.”

I keep crying making Himchan shocked and confused what he can do.

“You knew what gender the baby was?”

I nod my head, “I was far along enough that the doctors could tell. When they told me they thought I knew I was pregnant. Himchan I have been living the last year in pain.”

He stands up to walk over to my bed and pull me into a hug, “You can get over it. I’m sure you will you’re strong. Try to give him another chance though.”

I shake my head, “It’s not that I haven’t thought about it for the last week, but... When he finds out what happened a year ago to get me into a hospital I don’t think he’d ever forgive me.”

“Come on he loves you no matter what you have hidden from him.”

I want to scream in his face, “I lost what would have been his and my child,” but instead I look down at the ground feeling and looking guilt and ultimate sadness.

“You never know until you tell him. Try to tell him and if he freaks out I’ll snap him out of it.”

I chuckle, “You’re really are a great friend to the both of us.”

He nods, “Of course I am. Also you’re sister is one of the scariest people I have ever met.”

I laugh, “Ya, leave my unnie out of this.”

He shrugs, “It’s not my fault she comes to my mind all the time.”

I chuckle, “So when are you planning to tell my parents about the two of you?”

“When I snap out of my terrible habit.”

“Which one?”

“Ya, that’s hurtful, but true,” he says looking dejected.

“Do the guys know about the two of you?”

“No, we started to see each other a little after the break up. So we were a little iffy about telling you and Yongguk.”

“Even though Yongguk and I broke up we still would have supported the two of you.”

He nods his head, “How did you know about us, anyway?”

“Oh come on my sister is one of the worst liars in the world. At least that or I can tell lies to easily.”

“Maybe the later,” he says, “you are like a lie detector most of the time.”

I chuckle, “Yeah.”

“I should probably go. I just wanted to ask you that.”

I nod my head, “So you won’t tell him right?”

“Of course also I think you and your sister would murder me if I spilled the beans.”

“I wouldn’t, but she might since she doesn’t want to see me hurt again.”

He smiles as he leaves the room.

Soon after he leaves my sister walks into the room and sits partly on one of the chairs by the window.

We’re both quiet until she finally she speaks to me, “Hey.”

I smile at her, “Hey.”

She notices that Eeyore is now back with me, “Hey, you found him. Where was he?”

“Oh Yongguk got him when I was throwing stuff at him telling him to leave my apartment.”

“I’m not surprised,” she says looking down, “I guess Himchan told you that I spilled the beans to him.”

I nod my head, “I’m not mad. I just hope he won’t tell anyone. I just don't want to look at his face if he finds out.”

She knows I’m talking about Yongguk, “You can’t even look at your face anymore. I know that you have your mirrors covered up. I know you sit in the dark trying not to see your reflection. I know you can’t stand to look at yourself. Sis it’s been a year can you try to let it go?”

I start bawling my eyes out worse than I have since I found out that I had lost my baby.

“I can’t let it go,” I manage to say through my wails of grief and gulps of air that I try to get.

Mina takes me in her arms, “Shh... It’s alright I'm here for you now. I will always be here. Let it all out.”

When I stop crying she pulls back and smiles at me and wiped my nose like when we were little kids.

“We will always be there for each other we are sisters.”

I nod my head, “Sisters in heart and blood.”

We laugh a bit breaking the sad atmosphere.

“Oh the doctors are thinking of releasing you, but they want someone to live with you to keep an eye on you. So what do you think do you want to be roommates?”

I giggle, “of course also you want a reason to move out of the house and away from our parents.”

“Alright so maybe that reason too, but do you want to try?”

“Of course I do, but I’m scared. I will have to fix the apartment up.”

“We can do that together,” she tells me while holding onto my hand.