Hi, the names Kim Himchan. I’m 20 years old and have no idea where my life is taking me. I suppose that’s why my mother sent me to this summer intensive. It was a program for singers, dancers, actors, musicians, and was at the University of Seoul for the summer. Normally I would spend my summers alone in my room, but I liked it that way. I didn’t have to deal with other people… or myself. I don’t do much, I don’t know many people, and I don’t even know myself.

It was my first night in my new dorm room. I had just met my roommate Jongup. He wasn’t a bad guy, it’s just I felt uncomfortable around him, things were awkward to say the least. He was younger than me, but he looked much older than me. He had a nice body did I just say that and had a mature outlook on life. I on the other hand, have always been “frail”, as my mother calls it, and a little on the short side.

I spent our first night in bed reading my book to avoid conversation, to be honest I didn’t even know how to converse with Jongup.

“Hey did you want to go to orientation together tomorrow?”

I peeked out from the comforts of my book to see Jongup beaming at me.

I didn’t even know how to respond.

“You know where they give us our schedules for the summer? You can meet new people”

I didn’t want to meet new people; I wanted to stay by myself. I didn’t want to be rude, but I wanted to go by myself and leave as soon as possible.

“I-I-I…” I breathed, “it’s fine I’ll go by myself, you’ll probably have a better time without me” I admitted.

Jongup looked like he was going to say something but instead replaced it with a frown, “sure?”

“ne” I said and buried myself back into my book.

After several more chapters, I couldn’t put my book down. It was about a shy woman who fell in love with a man on a train to Busan from Seoul. An instant connection sparked between them, one thing led to another and eventually they got married. How cliché… As much as I tried to dislike the story, I couldn’t. That’s why I couldn’t put the book down. I was so jealous of the woman and the fictional man in the story… I was confused. Was I jealous of the relationship… or the man… or both? I pushed the thought away and looked towards the clock.

2:35am

I sighed. Jongup had already gone to bed; he was snoring away, obviously needing his rest. I closed my book and turned off the reading light attached to my bed. Getting comfortable, I pulled the covers over my face, and curled into a comfortable ball hoping to find peaceful sleep soon. Tomorrow was going to be a long day… well today… I chuckled to myself.

I woke up a few hours later to sound of a blaring alarm. It was playing heavy metal music, and I grunted in response.

“” I heard a groggy grumble; obviously it was Jongup getting up.

I flipped over to grab my phone and look at the time.

7:00am sharp.

I couldn’t… I couldn’t wake up. Sleep overcame my body as I quickly nodded back off into dream land.

~

I was in an unfamiliar bed… in an unfamiliar warmth. Beautiful warmth, the most comfortable warmth I’ve ever felt. I felt arms around me… arms? Strong arms… man’s arms!? WHAT?!

~

Instantly I woke up. I took note of my surroundings… Jongup was gone and the room had gotten lighter. I looked at my phone to see I slept in another hour and a half. Panic started to run in overdrive as I realized I was late for orientation. I quickly jumped out of bed and ran to our bathroom. I quickly washed my face, brushed my teeth, applied bb cream, and brushed my hair.  I was just about to run out the dorm when I realized I was still in my pajamas.

“Why is this happening to me?!” I was frustrated to say the least. I was late and my dream wasn’t helping. Secretly I missed being in those arms, I couldn’t admit it though.

I ran to my closet and reached for a pair of skinny jeans, that I wore with a pair of patterned TOMS shoes, and scoop neck tank top. I looked at myself in the mirror and decided this was going to have to do. On an average day, I would spend at least an hour getting ready. It was my favorite part of the day, taking pride in the way I looked. Today however, I needed to get to orientation.

I hurriedly ran across campus to the auditorium to get to orientation. I got to the front door, panting heavily. Nervousness ran through my veins, like I had just been injected with a shot. How many people were in here, how many stares was I going to get for coming in late? --- Oh well I had to go in. Slowly I opened the door, and creaking loudly through the silent hall. It was like munching on a bag of potato chips in a quiet classroom.

I took note of my surroundings. The entire back of the auditorium was staring at me, there was nowhere to sit. My stomach began to get queasy and churned of embarrassment. Sight started to fade to hazy black and I began to lose balance.

“Himchan!” I heard a whisper.

Quickly I was brought out from my delusional haze.

“Himchan over here!”

I looked around for the whisper and eventually I found the culprit. It was Jongup sitting with another guy and an empty seat next to him. They were about three rows down from where I was, and quickly I ran to him to sit down. This was the first moment in my life I appreciated Jongup. I took my seat next to him.

“Gwenchana?” he questioned, “you look sick”

“Ne…” honestly I was okay now that that was over, I just couldn’t handle that amount of public display, “Thank you…”

“Yeah no problem.” He smiled.

I started to pay attention to the presentation at hand. A young fashionable woman was talking about the code and conduct of the summer intensive; boring to say the least. I began to let my eyes wander. They moved from the ceiling to the floor to Jongup to his friend to the people in the auditorium to…

…

…

…

Who is… he?

We made eye contact. I couldn’t look away. He… he… my heart fluttered, a hummingbird. It’s wings fluttering a hundred times a second. He smiled… oh my god… He had this amazing goofy gummy smile. I couldn’t… I turned away needing to catch my breath, as cliché as that was. I lost track of my mind. Before I knew it everyone was standing up and the auditorium was getting loud. My head started to spin.

Who is he?

“Hey Himchan, come on.” Jongup brought me back to the real world. I looked around and everyone inside the auditorium was leaving, making the few exits packed with lines.

I got up to follow Jongup and his friend who was introduced to me as Daehyun. He was nice; I just wasn’t in the mood to talk to get to know him better. I was still thinking about that… that… guy. We made our way out of the auditorium to another line to pick up our schedules…

“Jinjja? Seriously?” Daehyun said sarcastically, obviously annoyed from another line.

“Yeah it’s pretty annoying”

It was a deep… husky… alluring voice.

I looked behind me to see the same gummy smile; I-I-I

“Hey I’m  Bang Yongguk” his low voice vibrated through my body sending shivers down to my toes. He laughed a goofy laugh. I felt my heart instantly picking up. I couldn’t respond, my voice taken from me by… Yongguk. I closed my eyes at the sound of his name.

“Jongup” Jongup introduced himself, “This is my friend Daehyun”

Yongguk smiled and turned to me, “and who are you?”

I still couldn’t say anything. I tried but I couldn’t.

“Sorry he isn’t feeling well… uh… this is Himchan” Jongup introduced awkwardly.

“Yongguk let’s go!” a young boy called him over.

Yongguk frowned, “Mianhae I gotta go, but I’ll see ya’ll later” he then turned to me directly, “bye I hope you feel better Himchan” and like that he disappeared into the crowd.

I don’t know what happened after that or how much time passed after that. I couldn’t focus on anything, but before I knew it I was back in my dorm and Jongup and Daehyun where laughing in his bed talking about some tv show.

Yongguk… Yongguk….Yongguk…. I… did… I like him? I’ve never liked anyone before. The feeling was unknown to me. Was this… beautiful feeling it? I… needed to be around him. I wasn’t opposed to liking a man… I just was scared of it. It was more unknown than the unknown.

“Himchan? I don’t mean to nag… but what’s wrong? I know we just met, but you know you can talk to me right?” Jongup once again brought me back to the real world.

I appreciated his kindness I really did. I just didn’t know how to handle it.

“I’m okay” I lied.

Jongup frowned, “Himchan…”

“Really” I lied again.

He sighed, “okay… Me and Daehyun are going down to the student union for dinner wanna come?”

“I’m okay… I’ll come down a little later and meet you guys”

“Arasoyo” he smiled, “See you later”

Daehyun copied the smile and waved at me leaving the room.

I didn’t notice until the door closed how hungry I was. I should have just gone with them. Its times like this where I curse myself for being socially anxious. I threw on a light cardigan, fixed my hair, and sprayed on a light fruity perfume. I was ready to go.

I made my way down to the student union to see thousands of restaurants, fast food joints, and a grocery store. I would say at least a few thousand students were down here getting dinner. It was packed. I felt myself begin to panic from the mass amounts of people. I tried to brush it off, I would have to get used to it anyway. I sighed and made my way to the shortest line. It was a line for kimchi tacos… absolutely disgusting.

Before I knew it I got my… unappetizing dinner and headed out to the tables… I was so overwhelmed… so many people; so many faces I didn’t know. I was… scared. I felt my hands begin to shake, and my tray of food begin to rattle.

“Himchan!”

I’d recognize that voice anywhere. I turned around to see that smile… that comforting smile.

“Hey come sit with us… hey are you--- okay?” Yongguk said worriedly.

I nodded even though I was about to cry.

“Hey…” he said soothingly, his deep voice acted like a warm blanket, “Come on” He grabbed my tray from me and walked right next to me to a table of unfamiliar faces.

“I c-could have brought that myself” I admitted.

Yongguk looked at me with large eyes, “ you talk!” he laughed a cute deep laugh, “You looked like were about to drop it, I wanted to carry it for you” he scratched the back of his head. I liked it when he did that.

He set the tray on the table, “Zelo, Young Jae… this is Himchan”

I smiled and bowed, “H-hello”

Yongguk sat down and tapped the spot next to him inviting me to sit down, “So what’s for dinner?” he asked me jokingly.

“This” I looked disgusted, and poked my kimchi tacos.

I looked down and remembered how much I did NOT want to eat kimchi tacos… I covered my face. This was horrible. I was starving and I couldn’t even eat. Today was horrible; I didn’t want to be here anymore. It hit me like a train on a track. I sat there as tears fell from the cracks in between my fingers.

“Himchan…” Yongguk scooted closer to me, “It’s okay” he rubbed my back like he knew all of problems, like we didn’t just meet today. He acted as if he knew me my whole life. I was so embarrassed crying in front of him.

“Here” Yongguk pushed his tray of a sandwich my way, “I mean it’s not much, but it’s delicious I promise. Better than kimchi tacos. No reason to cry” he rubbed my back even more.

“I-it’s okay… I’m just going to leave… M-mianhae” I got up, until Yongguk held me wrist and all the butterflies returned to me, “No I insist! Come on Himchan, get to know us!” Yongguk smiled.

I couldn’t handle him… it was too much. I felt so uncomfortable. I’ve never been in this situation, these kimchi tacos, all these people, him; it was too much.

“Y-you don’t understand” I started to cry again, “ I-I need to g-go” I was almost pleading.

I saw the expression on his face change to absolute worry as I ran off. I ran full speed to my bedroom. It took about 5 minutes to get there, because the campus was so big. When I finally got back to the bedroom, I slammed into my bed and bawled. I hated this place, I was so confused. I wanted to go back to my room, back home, and feel the comfort wrap around me.

“Pl-please! H-help me!!!” I pleaded to god knows who, “I d-don’t want to f-feel like th-this anymore!” I cried my emotions out. I hated myself for feeling this way. I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I was still starving, but exhaustion hit me as my heavy lids began to close and I drifted off into somewhere where I couldn’t feel the pain anymore.

~

~

~

~

~

~

I heard rustling. I opened my eyes to see the door slowly open, and a light turn on illuminating the darkness. How long have I been asleep for? I propped myself on one elbow to get a grip on reality.

“Hey…” Jongup said as he came into the room a bag in hand, “Sorry for waking you up”

“It’s okay”

“So… remember that Yongguk guy we met early in the day?”

How could I forget him? He’s all that’s been on my mind, “Ne…” I said vaguely.

“He said you left the table without eating dinner, and he gave me this to give to you” He extended the bag.

What? I was so confused why would he give me something?

I took the bag and peeked inside and pulled out a box of takeout along with a smaller box; on top was a note.

Because everyone likes pizza a lot more than kimchi tacos

…

And cake

Hope you feel better

Yongguk

I smiled… A gift? I opened the boxes one was filled with pizza the scent teasing my taste buds, the cake tickling my eyes. Jongguk… you’re amazing…