Chapter 20 

At first, Wu Fan hadn’t even realized what had happened. His apartment felt pretty normal and all his books were at their normal place and it was okay that his breakfast was still untouched on the table, because he had had pizza for dinner.

Everything was normal, he thought, even though he stayed sleepless for three whole days, staring at the roof over his head trying to understand why would someone write on the white ceiling with a black marker and why on earth did that fact bring endless tears to his eyes.

It was okay. Everything was back to normal. Kris had been prepared for this ending. It was okay, he kept repeating.

Tao and Luhan had practically broken into his dorm, three days later, shouting curses at him. Well, to be exact, Tao had done the breaking into and Luhan the gangster-like swearing.

Despite the havoc, Wu Fan had remained perfectly stoic, still looking up at the ceiling and wondering why everything that was familiar, no longer felt comforting.

“Are you out of your freaking mind?!” Luhan would have punched him, had Tao not stopped him with a warning look.

“Three days!” Luhan kept shouting. “You didn’t answer you phone for three days! And no one had seen you. You skipped all classes and just stayed in here and why the hell is there spoilt food on the table?” He pointed at what looked like omelet and rice from three days ago.

“I needed some space.” Kris said, motionlessly.

“Well, couldn’t you answer your phone and say that?” Tao snapped as well, at that point.

“You see me now. I’m okay. You can go.” The blonde breathed out, giving them both a blank stare.

“Okay?!” The cute guy’s voice was one step from becoming a shrill. “You call that, okay? You stink and your eyes are red and the dark circles are worse than Tao’s and-” Wu Fan felt a cold hand on top of his forehead.

“!” Luhan cursed for the millionth time. “You’re burning up.”

The Canadian gave him an annoyed glance.

“I’m not burning up.” Both Tao and Luhan snorted at that.

“I’m not. It’s only a cold.” He insisted in a hoarse voice.

Luhan stared at him for a long moment, pensively, while Tao run about the place picking up blankets and looking for aspirins.

“A cold?” Luhan questioned.

“Sehun called. He was with Baekhyun-sshi and-” He paused, deciding to skip that part.

“Sehun said you had a fight with Chanyeol-sshi.” The cute Chinese guy tried again.

“It wasn’t a fight.” Kris pushed the blanket off his body and kicked it back to the floor. “I didn’t fight.”

Everyone waited for him to continue but he didn’t. He was so tired and his head hurt so much. There really was no point in speaking; in explaining.

There had been no point in explaining to Chanyeol and there was definitely no point in telling Luhan about it.

“What happened then?” Tao nudged him a little to take an aspirin and some water.

Wu Fan contemplated the question for a while.

“I was thrown away.” He he was surprised to hear his voice trembling dangerously .

“Wu Fan gē…” Tao run and wrapped his arms around Kris, dragging him to sit on his bed and patting his back tentatively.

“Did you explain yourself? Did you tell him what the situation is really like?” Luhan asked, a little calmer now.

“I didn’t need to.” The blonde let himself be hugged by Tao, as he just sat there, cold and yet feverish. “He understood the situation perfectly.”

“If he had he would have forgiven you, you idiot!” Luhan growled and pulled out his cellphone.

“Zitao, take my phone and call Lay and the others. Tell them that we found the jerk, half-dead in his dorm’s floor. Then call Sehun, I have his number in my contacts.” Surprisingly, Tao slowly pulled away from Wu Fan and did exactly as he was told. Or, at least, the blonde supposed he would do exactly as Luhan had said, because he seemed awfully quiet and obedient.

“You!” Luhan pointed at the taller man. “Stand up and go take a shower. It will help with your fever.”

Kris on the other hand wasn’t very keen on obeying Luhan, so the shorter Chinese guy had to force him up and into the bathroom.

When he came out of the shower, around fifteen minutes later, the voices in his dorm had increased in number.

“I’m telling you, he must have been bawling his eyes out for three days now. He’s sick and I very much doubt he’s eaten anything.” Luhan was saying in a hushed tone.

“We should have come earlier.” Chen was biting his nails nervously.

“I can’t believe we listened to Yixing and stayed away for so long…” Xiumin send a mild glare at Yixing while cooking something that smelled like soup.

“You know Wu Fan.”  Yixing countered easily. “He wants to deal with things on his own. Besides, I don’t see how we could help him, if we just stood there watching and patting his back.”

Tao was explaining in a rather irritated tone that it was called ‘consoling someone’ and it had in fact helped a lot of people in the past, when Kris decided that hiding behind his half-open bathroom door was rather pathetic and stepped in the living room.

“Wu Fan gē!” Chen exclaimed, walking quickly towards him and putting a cardigan sweater on the blonde’s shoulders.

Wu Fan managed a weak smile as he sat on a chair next to Yixing.

“Thanks for giving me some space.” He mumbled to his old friend with the deceivingly oblivious expression on his face.

Yixing narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms. “I want to kill you right now, so shut up.”

“I’m sorry…” Kris grimaced a little seeing his friend’s anger.

“I was going to pull myself together, sooner or later. I just chose later instead of sooner.” He explained in an apologetic tone, yet no one spoke.

“I didn’t want to ruin your last days of vacation in Seoul.” He added, hesitantly.

And somehow, that seemed to trigger a string of reactions.

Luhan started cursing again and Tao was hugging Chen and possibly crying. In the meantime Xiumin had finished the soup and practically shoved a spoonful of some hot and white liquid into the blonde’s mouth. Yixing had sat up from his chair and was taking deep, anger-releasing breaths.

“Is that important, right now? You just had a major fall-out with a guy that you’re in love with and you were worrying about spoiling our holidays?” Yixing was not one to speak loudly. So, naturally, Kris was startled at the sudden outburst.

“There was nothing you could do to help. And, like you said, I like my privacy.” The Canadian made an attempt to calm him down.

“You bastard-” Yixing had turned to say something, not very polite to Wu Fan but he didn’t have the chance to do so, because, at that moment, the half broken door was pushed aside and a new voice took over.

“You bastard!” Baekhyun looked even more furious than Yixing and honestly, Kris hadn’t expected anything less from Chanyeol’s best friend.

Wu Fan clenched his fists and stood up, forcing his feet to hold his weight even if they felt too weak for that.

“How could you do something like that to Yeol? As if… As if you didn’t know how much he…” Eyeliner Baekhyun wasn’t even wearing eyeliner that day. Kris took that as a sign that he had rushed there as soon as he heard they had invaded his dorm.

The blonde wanted to close his eyes, just to stop seeing all those accusing glares, because after Chanyeol’s hateful looks three days ago, it was too much to handle.

“All this time… Even though I had told you how hurt Yeol had been when his old friends had done this to him... How could you?” Baekhyun messed his hair, frustrated.

“I needed the money and the scholarship.” Wu Fan replied, avoiding Baekhyun’s glance.

“But you- with Yeol… You were, like… together.” The brown-haired Korean stuttered awkwardly.

“That was a mistake.” The Canadian mumbled, ignoring the way his stomach twisted at the words. Ignoring the way guilt felt imprinted on his skin permanently now and the way his whole body was aching for the warmth that was gone, probably forever.

“Is that why you were laughing like an idiot when you were together? Is that why you always took care of him? It didn’t look like you were making a mistake back then.” Baekhyun pressed on.

“Look, I know you guys pretty much hate me right now. And you have every right to.” Kris cut through the shorter guy’s rant. “So just assume I have nothing to say in my defense and punch me in the face, or do whatever you came here to do.”

Baekhyun just gaped at him for a while, unsure of what to do next. He looked around him to the Chinese guys, asking for help, or some sort of explanation on behalf of Wu Fan. However, except for a few shrugs and muffled apologies he got nothing.

“Fine.” Baekhyun sighed. “I’ll ask straight away then.” He took a deep breath and to Kris it looked like he was choosing his words carefully.

“If this was just a deal and nothing more, why did you jump in front of a car to save Yeol? Why did you turn him down when he first confessed to you, even though it would have been so much easier to influence him if you were dating? And on top of everything else, why did you return the money to Yeol’s dad, some days ago?” The blonde blinked a couple of times at the amount of information Baekhyun had collected.

Then he noticed how everyone had their eyes pinned on him, taking down his every reaction and waiting for his answer.

And it was simple. So very simple.

But Kris couldn’t say it.

It would just confuse everyone. People might feel sympathetic towards him and he’d hate that.

The victim in this case was Chanyeol and he was the one who had deceived and played with him. He didn’t deserve any sympathy.

So he refused to speak about love.

“To make him trust me.” He settled with that lie.

“That’s ridiculous Wu Fan!” Luhan intervened, much to the Canadian’s annoyance. “You were crying for hours that day, when you turned down Chanyeol-sshi. And you kept saying how guilty you felt!”

Baekhyun’s eyes widened significantly at that.

“So you do care!” The short Korean said triumphantly. “You’ve been falling for Yeol just as much as he’s been falling for you, right?”

The tall blonde felt his shoulders relaxing a bit. He wasn’t sure why it was so calming, the fact that Baekhyun had seen through his lies, but it was.

He hated himself for needing that sympathy - which he didn’t deserve- so much.

“And what if I care? What if I’ve been falling for him? Does that change anything?” In the end, Wu Fan couldn’t let them focus on his guilt and forget his betrayal.

“Yes it does!” Baekhyun insisted. “It shows that maybe you were using him at first, but now you really care for him. And Chanyeol would forgive you –no, he will forgive you.”

“Forgive me?!” The Canadian’s mouth opened a little in surprise. “Why should he?”

Xiumin and Tao gave him a couple of very incredulous are-you-kidding-me looks, but he disregarded them.

“Ok, so maybe I do care for Chanyeol. So what? Why should Chanyeol forgive me and have me back?” Wu Fan’s voice vibrated with emotion.

“Is he so desperate to get laid that he’d agree to be with someone who cares for him, but lied to his face for four months? Why shouldn’t he find a nice, rich and caring boyfriend who’d love him honestly from the start?”

Kris didn’t know why he was shouting at other people right now. Nor did he know why he had grabbed Baekhyun’s collar, shaking the poor guy like it was his fault that Kris was a mess.

“Duizhang…” Baekhyun’s gaze was no longer angry, or demanding. It was just full of sorrow.

“Why should he settle for a messed up, penniless and deceitful guy like me? Why the hell should he?” The blonde couldn’t help but add.

A dry chuckle tore Wu Fan’s attention from the short, brown haired guy, in front of him. He looked up and noticed a painfully familiar pair of eyes observing his every move.

The Canadian promptly released Eyeliner Baekhyun and took a step back, dazed and rather scared.

“Chanyeol-ah! I thought I left you home. How long have you been listening?” Baekhyun was the one who said it out loud, yet everyone was thinking the same thing.

“Long enough.” Chanyeol said and he didn’t look awkward as usual when he nodded politely to Yixing and Luhan and the others. Despite that, Kris could easily spot the signs of sleeplessness on his puffy eyes and pale skin.

Everyone glanced at each other and on cue they began moving outside, slowly and rigidly.

When they were left alone, Chanyeol moved closer, the tired but decisive expression on his face never faltering.

“You’re right.” He stated and Kris sighed. For a second there he thought he’d really collapse to his feet, because it really was Chanyeol and not some crazy illusion that his exhausted mind had created.

“You’re right.” The boy repeated, like he knew Kris hadn’t taken in the words when he first said them.

“Why should I settle for you?” Whatever ridiculous hope had crawled into Wu Fan’s mind, upon seeing Chanyeol in his door, easily fell into oblivion after those words.

“How pathetic would I be if I agreed to be with you after what you did! And how ridiculous is it that I actually considered it, because I am, in fact, pathetic.” Kris didn’t say anything to that. He knew it wasn’t his place to speak. Chanyeol was here to end things, to clearly talk and end things.

Even if it was only this much, Wu Fan was going to let him do it without distractions, like pleads and tears.

A clean ending.

Maybe, after Chanyeol would let go, the blonde would feel a little better. Hurting alone was the best case scenario.

“I know you care.” Chanyeol spoke in a serious tone, like he was convinced of the facts. “No one saves someone they hate from a speeding car, or spends a whole night nursing them back to health. Dad also said you returned him the money...”

“You’ve been too close, for me to not notice that you care.” The boy’s expression was decisive and nothing sort of emotional, yet there was something at the depths of his voice that stung with memories.

 Memories of closeness.

Of fingers through soft locks or hair, of blissful touches and breaths mixing together. Moments that, no matter how much Chanyeol would try, and he must have tried, could not pass for fake.

“But that’s not enough. Caring is not enough. When you do something- something like that to someone you can’t expect them to forgive you.” Chanyeol’s chest started heaving with anger and unspoken regret, because he had no chosen for things to happen like this and yet he had to suffer through this now.

Kris wanted to say that he didn’t have to do it. There was no need for explanation, not on Chanyeol’s part at least. Just ignoring Wu Fan, pushing him away, was enough. The end was clear, even without Chanyeol saying it.

“And what kind of person would I be, if I forgave you?” The Korean continued with eyes narrowing at Kris. “I’d be a lovesick idiot who threw away his pride to be with someone who deceived him for money. The fool who can be trampled upon by everyone. A person who will always forgive and forget, like a small kid.”

Chanyeol let a deep sigh, releasing the tension. “I don’t want to be that kind of person, Wu Fan.” He said in a small, resigned whisper.

Kris had never wanted to hug Chanyeol so much. He wanted to wrap his arms around the guy and tell him, again and again, that this was all his own fault.

All the painful and hard decisions should have been his.

Chanyeol shouldn’t have to struggle to prove anything. Because Chanyeol was already flawless as it was. There shouldn’t be a person who would dare to question him, not a single one accusing him of immaturity and helplessness.

Kris was the childish one in the end, for thinking that he had the right to tamper with someone’s life like that. He was the helpless one, because right now, he had to watch the man he loved suffer trying to prove his worth. 

“You’re not a person like that. So don’t try to forgive me. Don’t even think of it.” Wu Fan had promised not to speak. However, he couldn’t keep this inside of him. Not when his hands were shaking and his chest felt like it would burst from pain. He needed to do something to soothe Chanyeol.

Needed.

Like he needed to eat, or to sleep.

He wasn’t sure at what point, during the past four months, Chanyeol’s happiness had become a physical need for him; but it had anyway. That much was for sure and Kris had long stopped fighting it.

“I know I’ve made mistakes too. I’ve been too carefree, too careless to notice that you were acting strange, all those times you said we couldn’t be together.” Chanyeol nodded. “I know that. I do.”

Kris could see the light shining in Chanyeol’s eyes as they glimmered pleadingly at him, begging him to let go, peacefully, without complaints. As if Kris would ever refuse Chanyeol’s wishes.

“This is messed up, Kris.” It was the first time the boy had called him that. Wu Fan stiffened, feeling the distance between them increasing, like Chanyeol was pulling away.

The clean end. That was it, he thought.

“And I can’t let go of what happened. I can’t just forgive you, like that.” The Korean messed his hair, quickly and harshly, probably frustrated with his own feelings.  

“Damn it, I can’t even look at you right now, Wu Fan!” He cursed and Kris took a step back, shocked and scared that he was causing pain even as he motionlessly stood there.

“I can’t bear to- to see you…” Chanyeol’s voice cracked as he hurried to place a hand on his mouth.

“What do you want me to do?” The blonde asked and he knew just how powerless and submissive he sounded, but he didn’t care anymore.

“Leave. Please. I can’t-” Chanyeol lowered his head, letting the brown locks cover his expression. His shoulders were shaking now and from under the hand that was still clutching his mouth, Kris could hear the muffled sobs.

And so everything became clear to him.

He was just made to hurt people.

He had betrayed his parents, by not being the son they had wanted, so they told him to leave. Now, he had mistreated Chanyeol, the only person who had ever loved him selflessly. But, Chanyeol was human too and he was in pain. So Wu Fan had to leave again.

The first time he was ordered to go away and he had told himself it was his parents’ mistake.

This time he could blame no one but himself.

He was only an idiot who always disappointed and hurt people.

And that was the end.

At that moment, he understood just how right he had been, when he had once asked Park Hwejangnim for a plane ticket to China.

“Give it to me.” He told Chanyeol, trying not to stare at the guy for too long.

“W-what?” The answer came through sobs.

“You have it, right? The plane ticket. You talked to your father, he told you everything, so he must have given you the ticket too.” Kris watched as they boy stayed unmoving for a long minute, before slowly reaching down to his pants, his hand only resting on top of his pocket, rather than taking out the ticket.

“Give it to me.” The blonde repeated, a demanding undertone in his voice.

“Wu Fan…” It was more like a plea and it didn’t change Wu Fan’s mind at all. Hearing how weak and tired Chanyeol sounded, he became even more determined to leave.

“If you give it to me, I can just…” Kris hesitated to add the last part, then  berated himself for still failing to say it was over.

 “Ok. You can go.”  Still facing the floor, Chanyeol nodded and slowly, pulled out the ticket, still shaking and probably still crying his eyes out..

“Just go and never come back. Unless I say so.” The words were harsh, but his voice lacked hate. Chanyeol’s voice would always ring with kindness, the blonde thought.

Wu Fan didn’t let their fingers touch as he took the ticket. He made no move to hug Chanyeol before leaving. He didn’t even speak; say ‘thank you’, ‘I’m sorry’ or just ‘goodbye’.

He just left not planning on ever coming back.

After all, hurting alone had been the best case scenario.

A/N: Lately, I have no idea what I'm writing...

Anyways, tell me what you thought about it!!! You DO know how much I love you for reading, commenting and subscribing, right ?

Now, for some sickening self-promotion. 

Remember that Kaisoo fic I've been telling you about?

Well, since PPNL is coming to an end, I posted it. You can check it out HERE !