Chapter 11

It was pretty simple and yet his brain could barely process it.

Park Chanyeol was standing there with his eyes shut and he was breathing heavily and he was serious, because he had called him Wu Fan, of all things, and Kris was lost.

He was feeling something in his chest growing bigger and bigger, blocking his airstream, and twisting his stomach in a knot, making him scared but all the same very happy. His head refused to work and it just endlessly repeated the boy’s words like a broken record.

I’m in love with you, in love, in love, in love…

What was this supposed to mean? Kris felt cheated. It was him who was stupidly in love, not that crazy Korean guy. It was him who was hiding his feelings, him who had to suppress it. Chanyeol couldn’t… there was no chance he was in love with him.

But that wasn’t true. 

The boy was being honest and he had called him Wu Fan and for a moment the blonde wondered whether the other guy felt a bit like he did when he said his name.

“I’m not joking, I’m not crazy and even though I’m sorry for burdening you, I won’t apologize about how I feel. I’m in love with you, Wu Fan.” The curly-haired guy continued, his voice vibrating with emotion.

The Canadian moved towards Chanyeol enough to be only inches apart.

He wanted to put his hands on the boy’s shoulders, he wanted to feel the sweetness of his lips again and tell him, that he too was in love, with a crazy dude called Park Chanyeol.

Things weren’t so simple for Wu Fan, though. Pure feelings and beautiful love stories, he didn’t deserve them. He was not innocent or honest like the younger guy.

Saying that he felt the same way would only make Chanyeol even more depressed and angry when he’d find out the truth. It was already awful enough to be his friend and knowing he was betraying him, Kris couldn’t bear to make things even worse by confessing.

Being in a relationship with someone you were paid to befriend; that was too much even for him.

“Chanyeol-ah, I’m sorry. I can’t.” It felt so horrible to be saying this. Yet not as bad as seeing the boy’s eyelids open slowly to reveal a pair of wet eyes, looking at him with fear and sadness mixed together.

“I’m- I’m nothing special, so you’ll get over me quickly.” Wu Fan stuttered, barely resisting the need to rub his pained chest with his hand to relieve the pain.

“I don’t think so. I don’t think I can do that.” Chanyeol clenched his fists.

“Chanyeol-ah…” Kris felt himself losing control as he called the boy’s name. So much for promising to turn him down; he was going crazy already.

 “You’re a good friend, the best person I’ve met in my three years in Korea, but-” It was the truth so far and Wu Fan hated to pollute it with lies.

“You don’t have to explain yourself; it’s not your fault. I just… I can’t keep standing next to you when I’m this way. When I feel so…” The younger guy trailed off miserably. He was asking Kris, with his tearful eyes to say no more.

Maybe, it hurt. Maybe, it was really painful, Kris thought. And Chanyeol didn’t deserve to hurt any more. The blonde had no right to inflict this pain.

“Do you want to stay away from me now?” The older guy blinked away to clear his eyesight from the blurriness unshed tears created.

“I- I don’t know. But I’m a mess. Perhaps, I should avoid seeing you for a while. Until I am ready to give up on this feeling.” The boy turned around, where he thought the blonde couldn’t see him wipe his eyes with his hand.

“If that would make you feel better.” Kris sighed and nodded to himself. That might be the best solution.

“I won’t disturb you again about this Wu Fan. I’ll just go.” Chanyeol put down the beer bottle he’d been holding and started to walk away.

Kris watched him leaving and had to force himself to stand back and just let the guy pass by. A breath he’d been holding for the past minute left his lips slowly and he decided to head back to his dorm before collapsing on the street.

He drunkenly walked home trying to figure out what had just happened, as pain and pleasure, regret and happiness took turns torturing his mind. He was feeling torn, like a piece of paper someone had written on so many times that words were beginning to mix together and had long stopped making sense.

“Wu Fan gē!” The blonde’s eyes shot up at the mention of his name. For a second he thought Chanyeol had returned to tell him it was all a joke, to tell him he could just let go and stop feeling sorry.

But it wasn’t Park Chanyeol.

Slowly, Wu Fan recognized a brown-haired guy with a happy look on his handsome but a little clueless face.

“Yixing?!”  The Canadian gaped. In front of his dorm there were five guys chatting with each other animatedly and laughing.

Watching them Kris felt a little safer, a bit like he was home.

“Why are you guys here?” He asked loudly, trying to catch their attention.

“I couldn’t hold them back anymore. So we came to visit you.” Luhan shrugged and in the blonde’s eyes it seemed like he hadn’t tried all that hard.

“It’s been so long gēge! Oh, let me give you a big kiss!” Tao run and hugged him tightly attempting to kiss the taller guy’s cheek and failing.

Chen and Xiumin followed and soon Wu Fan was trapped, quite literally, inside a group hug.

“We missed you so much gēge!” Chen smiled shyly at him when they released him.

“Are you still injured?” Xuimin checked his body closely, pressing on certain spots that made the blonde ticklish.

“I’m-I’m just fine…” Kris moved quickly a couple steps away from the puffy-faced guy.

“You’re a big jerk.” Yixing punched him in the arm, yet he was unable to hide a smile.

“Yeah, Luhan told me already.” The Canadian looked at the other guy apologetically as he unlocked his door.

“Are you ok? You don’t look ok.” They had all settled inside his small room when Yixing asked that, sitting on the small table in the center of Wu Fan’s dorm.

Xiumin was helping Chen put their luggage in a corner where people, or more specifically Yixing, could not stumble on them and create a ruckus. Then, he announced, he was going to put an order to the blonde’s small kitchen, which in Wu Fan’s opinion was perfectly organized already.

Luhan was looking around his closet for ‘something fashionable to wear in the clubs of Seoul’ while Zitao was playing the role of the judge, making ‘O’s with his arms when he liked the outfit and ‘X’s when he thought it was hideous. Somehow the ‘X’s were winning out.

The Canadian nodded to his friend’s question, trying to ignore the rude comments about his wardrobe.

“I’m fine. How many times do I have to say it?” He added in a more persuasive tone and Yixing frowned.

“Try saying it with some more enthusiasm; then I’ll believe you.” He retorted quickly with reflexes that he wasn’t used to displaying.

Kris sighed for what seemed like the millionth time in the past hour.

His defenses had been raised all night, fighting to keep, everything that he wasn’t supposed to think about, out of his system and everything that he was supposed to never say, inside of it.

In other words it had been hard on him. He had reached his limit hours ago when Chanyeol’s eyes became brighter, not with laughter but with tears. When he turned around and staggered away, leaving the blonde excruciatingly alone and regretful.

And so Wu Fan had reached his limit already and he could barely breathe at the moment, let alone repel the curious questions Yixing was throwing his way non-stop.  

“I’ll say it more enthusiastically tomorrow. I’ll tell you everything then. Now, can we eat something and go to bed?” The tall, blonde guy rubbed his temples tiredly.

“Wait till tomorrow?! Why? So you can prepare your excuses?” The brown-haired guy who misleadingly appeared naïve had been so accurate that Kris felt inclined to agree without any protests.

“Yes. So I can do that...” He muttered darkly, glaring at the other guy.

“Hey! Don’t joke around with me like that! I come here, find you looking like a proper mess and you tell me to wait till tomorrow to get an explanation?” Yixing stood up pushing his chair back and causing it to fall backwards.

“I’m not waiting anymore. I waited patiently for three years for you to tell us what has happened. I waited for you to explain why you came here to live on your own, instead of coming over to us. I’ve waited and worried. So you have to tell us. Without any excuses, Not tomorrow, but now.” The Chinese guy shouted and the rest of the group quietly gathered around him nodding their heads.

The blonde concentrated on the table in front of him, avoiding their eyes. He knew they were correct. Had it been anyone else, they would have ditched Kris a long time ago. But they hadn’t and he was thankful for that. Still, it was hard to push that burden on them, especially when he had created a whole mess that he couldn’t handle anymore.

“The situation from three years ago, one night won’t be enough to explain it.” He started cautiously.

“And what about the situation right now? What’s bothering you now?” Luhan put in.

“I hurt someone…” It was as plain as that, but it made Wu Fan’s face twitch in pain for a second.

The five guys that were previously messing up his dorm, sat down seriously and waited to hear the rest of the story.

“Well, that’s it... I did something bad to someone who doesn’t deserve it.” He finished and crossed his arms.

“Did you cause them physical pain?” Chen whispered from his seat and Wu Fan shook his head, no, it wasn’t like that. He was causing emotional pain, though.

“Did you know it was going to hurt that person?” Xiumin asked watching the other guy closely.

“Yes, I knew it.” Kris replied in a low voice.

“Then, why did you do it? Wu Fan gē is not that sort of person. You always say we need to be good and…” Zitao pouted and had Luhan not smacked his back, he would have started crying at that point.

“Why did I do it?” The Canadian repeated more for himself than the others to hear. “I don’t even remember anymore, what that high and mighty reason was. Maybe I just wanted to escape from my life.”

“If you needed help you should have called us. You know we would have done anything to support you.” Luhan pointed out with a serious expression covering up his childlike features.

Kris messed his hair frantically. “It’s not like that. I know I can trust you, but I wanted to survive on my own. And I thought it’d be easy, to use someone as a stepping stone, but it isn’t.”

 “It really isn’t!” He breathed out.

He felt himself losing all control of his body.

Tears were welling up, his hands were clenching his head, as if trying to stop him from thinking about what had happened anymore and his feet were shaking so much that he was lucky to be sitting.  

It was hurting, he was feeling dizzy. As tears run down his face he tried, again, in vain, to block out every thought. His eyes that were burning, closed and his body slowly went numb.

He was giving up, he was letting go of his feelings, so why was it still hurting? What did he have to do to stop this pain?

He felt, comforting words and arms wrapping around him affectionately. In the end, it was fortunate that everyone was there to look after him.

 “Can’t you fix your mistake now?” Luhan asked him, later, when he had calmed down a bit.

“It’s one of those things that as long as you start them, you can’t go back.” The Canadian explained fixing his clothes and his hair.

“Then just go up to the person you wronged and tell them, fair and square, the truth. I’m sure, they’ll forgive you!” Zitao sniffed away his tears and suggested.

“After doing all this, I daren’t ask for forgiveness. I don’t deserve to be forgiven.” Wu Fan tried to hold back some of his own tears as he replied.

“Isn’t that something that the person who is hurt should decide?” Yixing gave his friend a questioning look.

“That guy is extremely good-natured. But, even if there was a chance for him to be swayed, how can I make him choose between his self-respect and me?” The blonde felt anger rising in him as he spoke.

“What do you mean gēge?” Chen looked worriedly at him.

“If he forgives me, people will call him an idiot who doesn’t mind being played around by others. If he refuses to forgive me, one day, maybe, he’ll feel guilty about it; since he is that sort of person who doesn’t know how to be selfish.” A small, sorrowful smile found its place on Wu Fan’s face as he said the last part.

“After causing so much pain, I don’t plan on making him face such a dilemma. I don’t have that right. I can’t ask for forgiveness.” His voice rang with finality. His friends knew they had no choice but to accept this decision and keep the secret to themselves.

A/N: Guuuuuys... thanks for all the love!!

I'm just so touched! 

Can I just take this space to express how much I LOVE everyone who's followed this story so far and everyone who's commented and subscribed?

Oh, well... I guess I just did. 

Also, irrelevant question: Would you or would you not be interested in a Kaisoo fic by yours truly?