Chapter 7

His Tears

            Sitting at a corner of the rehearsal studio, Shin Hye is playing some of the chords she can recall, tapping the strings of her guitar with her right hand to check if the sound she’s making is good. On the other side of the studio, Hong Ki has his huge headphones placed on his ears, his guitar on his lap while his fingers are tracing some complicated notes on its strings. From time to time, he is stopping for a while only to write and jut down some things on the notebook near him. Looks like he is composing a song. And Hong Ki seems to be so serious about it.

            Amidst of the sound she is making, she can still hear the sound of Hong Ki’s music. It’s easy to distinguish though, because their sounds are miles different from each other. His melody is creeping unto her ears, dragging her into the rhythmic world of his sound. And that made her stop from playing because she felt that she’s somehow ruining the beauty of his melody.

            Paying attention to the music Hong Ki is creating, she can also see the different sound of emotions playing in his very face. Again, she saw the different face of Lee Hong Ki—in his different world when he is creating his music. She can read his determination, his passion; his love for what he is doing. Things she couldn’t see in the normal cold and irascible Lee Hong Ki.

            “The Hong Ki we see today is just his defense mechanism to cope up with all the grief and sorrows he has in his heart. He is a lost kid,” Jae Jin’s words keep ringing in her mind. And sadness filled her whole as she remembered the things he had to undergo as a child. Though it wasn’t Hong Ki himself who relayed those painful memories to her, and even if it wasn’t detailed at all, she knows it was a tough time he had to go to. And what’s more saddening her is how Hong Ki kept everything to himself that up to this point, he is still a prisoner of his hard feelings about his family.

            “So, is that your new hobby?” Hong Ki’s words cut her thoughts and dragged her back into reality. He stopped playing his guitar, and he was looking at her like there’s some kind of different light flashing in his eyes. And she can't help but to be confused. Did she just miss something that had happened?

            “What?” she asked, really clueless.

            “Your staring at me, is that your new hobby?” he asked, giving her his sarcastic tone.

            “W-what?” she stuttered, finding it hard to compose her somehow shattered and disturbed thoughts because of his suddenness. Why, of all question would he ask her that? Was she really that obvious? She can swear her cheeks are burning red right now because of her shame.

            Now, she knows what that light she saw a while ago glinting in his eyes was. It was mischief. He was teasing her again. He even has his brows arched like he was anticipating an answer from her. He might not be a warm person, but he is sure a mischievous one also. And it seems like he likes to pick on her most of the times.

            “I’m not… staring at you…” she tried to deny. “I… I was staring at the… the wall behind you!” she felt her cheeks burn as she said those words.

            “Oh yeah, sure,” Hong Ki told her, giving him a gaze that tells her he didn’t buy her alibi. She shot Hong Ki a glare. But he only went back into his business with his guitar like nothing happened.

            “Aish… So full of himself,” she murmered as she turned herself back to her guitar. She forcefully strummed its strings as she can still feel her cheeks burning because of shame. She can even feel her heart pounding so fast. And she feel a little frustrated that with just that little scenario, she cannot calm herself already. What is happening to her?

            “Ya, you are so noisy!” Hong Ki hissed at her when he heard the loud strumming from her guitar that she just made.

             And their eyes met. Hong Ki is giving her his usual annoyed stare, but she suddenly felt a knock inside her heart. Really, what is happening to her?

            Ding Dong.

            She felt alarmed when she heard that sound. She felt her heart leap. Was that the sound of the beating of her heart?

            Ding Dong.

            She felt more alarmed. That sound couldn’t be her heart beat, right? She’s not doing the last thing she wanted to do. She’s not falling…

            Ding Dong.

            Hong Ki was annoyed as ever as he finally stood up of his place and went to check the door of the studio to see who rang the doorbell. She mentally hit her head. Yes, that was the doorbell she was hearing all along. It wasn’t the sound of her heart beat. It wasn’t the pounding of her heart inside her chest. And she was some kind of a fool a while ago for having mistaken that sound as the beating of her heart.

            She sighed heavily as she ran her hands through her hair and touched her forehead. She felt a tinge of relief in her. She really thought she was already feeling the last thing she ever wanted to feel. She really thought it was her heart pounding and shouting loudly. She really thought she had a thing developing for him. But on the contrary, how can she not differentiate the sound of the doorbell from the beating of her heart? And on the first place, how can she ever think that it was her heart beating for him?

            Questions started bombarding her mind. And she grew afraid to scrutinize what she had just felt for him, and what she had always had for him. She shook her head. She isn't falling for him. And she shouldn’t be developing feelings for him.  She isn't. She couldn’t. She shouldn’t. Because she knows that if she do so, she wouldn’t be able to bear it. She couldn’t stand it.

            “What are you doing here?” Hong Ki’s voice cut her shattered deep thoughts. He was out behind that door, but she can still hear his voice despite of their distance as he was talking to someone outside. And she felt somehow alarmed hearing sharpness in his tone. Something must be happening outside so she dragged herself out and check out on Hong Ki. She placed herself behind the door and opened it a little yet enough for her to see Lee Hong Ki and the person he was talking to.

            And as if her senses were right, she saw Hong Ki clenching his fists hard as he is staring at a young woman in front of him. She saw his eyes covered with gloomy and dark emotions, again stiffening his resolve and caging up his vulnerable self to avoid the pain.

            “Oppa,” the girl is bowing her head low as if she was somewhat afraid of Hong Ki’s mere presence. But despite that, the girl was able to lift something with her hands, slowly lifting her head as well. And she felt like a bomb was dropped unto her as she witnessed the very face of the lady in front of Lee Hong Ki. She saw those familiar rounded brown eyes, those familiar cute bangs that matched the pretty face of the girl... and it hit her…

            “Suzy,” she said softly, her eyes cannot believe what she was seeing.

            “I… I just dropped by to give this to y-you,” Suzy stammered as she said her speech. She is handing Hong Ki a box wrapped in a beautiful and special wrapping paper, sealed with cute ribbons Suzy herself made and decorated. That box contains the item she and Suzy had picked from the mall the other day.

            “What’s that?” Hong Ki said, without any emotions. He was looking at Suzy like he was not interested on what she’ll be saying. At the same time, he was giving her sharp gaze that would make anyone uncomfortable to look at. Hong Ki had already mastered the way on how to make himself look cold, domineering and intimidating.

            “I… this…” Suzy stammered once ore, finding it hard to open and say the words she wanted to say to him. It’s as if her mind and and body are not working in cooperation that very time. “I…”

            “What? Are you going to just stammer in front of me?” Hong Ki asked, with a hint of annoyance in his voice. “Look, if you have something to say, say it now! Say it fast! You are wasting my time!”

            “Oppa,” Suzy seemed to be in the verge of tears, biting her lower lip to control herself from crying. She doesn’t want him to think that she was using her tears to get his attention. She gently squeezed the thing she was holding, hoping that she could somehow get the strength and courage to talk to him. “Don’t you think you are being too mean?” she said, gazing up at Hong Ki. And she could feel her tears already falling down.

            “If you don’t want to be treated like this, then just go home and don’t bother me. Don’t mess up with my life anymore,” Hong Ki yelled at her, his eyes burning with anger.

            “I…” Suzy felt more tears from her eyes soaked her cheeks. No matter how much she readied herself with this encounter with him, she can't still handle it being in front of him. It’s as if breaking her heart countless of times. “I just went here to give this to you, oppa,” she told him, giving in his hand the gift she put so much effort with. “I went here hoping that… that we could talk today much better than those few times we’ve talked. Umma and I both want to spend some quality time with you… even my dad would want to…”

            Hong Ki stared at the gift Suzy handed to her. Deep inside him, he wanted to crash that thing in front of her face, but he just handed it back to her.

            “I don’t need this. I don’t need anything from you,” he replied coldly, making Suzy’s heart shattered more into tinier pieces. “And I don’t have the time to spend with you. Those quality times you’re referring to were long gone. ”

            Suzy was more devastated when she heard him say those words. Hong Ki, who, on the other hand, was already tired of everything, tried to walk pass by Suzy, trying to escape again. But then, Suzy held his hand, making him stood still on his place.

            “Oppa,” Suzy sobbed and sniffed, trying to control her tears. “Then, just take this gift from me. I personally chose that, hoping that you would like it.”

            Feeling his irritation rose up, Hong Ki had already processed in his mind to crash that thing in front of Suzy’s face. However, he was stopped when he heard someone called his name.

            “Hong Ki,” Shin Hye called his name, finally feeling that it was the right time for her to interrupt. She can sense that nothing good will happen to Hong Ki and Suzy by the way their conversation turned out to be. “What’s happening here?”

            Without uttering a thing, Hong Ki held Shin Hye’s hand and dragged her away from that place to finally escape from the situation, leaving the crying and broken Suzy behind. And Shin Hye felt a squeeze in her heart, seeing what had just happened between Hong Ki and Suzy, seeing the pain both in their eyes.

_________

            The wind’s breath is what can only be heard. Silence is roaring between Shin Hye and Hong Ki. Once again, they are in a rooftop of a really tall building where you can clearly see the vivid blue sky as if it is only a reach away from them, and when you look down, you’ll be mesmerized by the perfect view of Seoul under. A magnificent view, a quiet sanctuary she didn’t think a simple tall building would have. They were once here when Hong Ki was having a hard time with his mom. And they are here again when he never let go of her hand and dragged her here when he saw his younger sister. It seems like this place is Hong Ki’s haven when he wants to have some peace of mind when something’s troubling him.

            She glanced at Hong Ki who was all quiet, stiffening himself, trying to hide his being vulnerable. However, his cold emotionless face tells her every pain and struggle he’s going through.

            Remembering why Hong Ki’s been caging up himself again, Suzy’s pretty face flashed on her mind—her cheery smile, and her teary face when they left her a while ago.

            “That girl…” she mumbled softly, having a part of her curious whether what she inferred from the scenario a while ago was right or not. Suzy is Hong Ki’s younger sister.

            “That girl…” Hong Ki finally opened his mouth after his long chaotic silence. “…is Bae Suzy, my younger sister.”

            And that confirmation from him ended her curiosity. Suzy is indeed Hong Ki’s younger sister. All along, she never thought that the elder and distant brother Suzy’s been talking about is Lee Hong Ki. How can she not figure it out when the signs and the answers have been always there?

            As if she was reminiscing, a flow of past memories flashed back into her mind, as if they were evidences she has to connect to each other.

            “I’m Bae Sonia, Hong Ki’s mother.”

            She remembered her encounter with his mom. Bae Sonia. Bae Suzy. How can she not figure out that Hong Ki and his mom have different surnames from the very beginning? And that his mom has the same surname as to Suzy?

            “And my oppa is really a good- good singer. His voice is one of a kind.”

            Suzy told that to her, proud of the capacities of his elder brother. Little did she know that she was talking about Lee Hong Ki, the lead vocalist of FT Island who mesmerizes her when he sings.

            “Well, oppa is only my half-brother. We have different fathers. His father and our mother separated. Eventually, mom met dad and they married each other. My dad is a businessman whose business is based in America. So, they decided to live at the United States and settled there.”

            “But oppa’s father died. And we think that it’s the start of his being cold. Umma tried to take oppa and live with us, but oppa didn’t like the arrangement. He would always say no to what mom’s offering. He was cold then, but every time, he gets colder and farther away from us. Now, it seems like we couldn’t reach him.”

            She recalled Suzy telling her a portion of her life—statements which matched with Jae Jin’s little revelation to her about Hong Ki.

            “The Hong Ki we see today is just his defense mechanism to cope up with all the grief and sorrows he has in his heart. He is a lost kid. He was defined with what seemed to be a tragedy in his family. He was only four years old when his mom left them. He was ten when his father died. During that time, his mother tried to take charge of Hong Ki, but he only refused to her, not wanting himself to be stuck at his mom’s new husband and daughter. Good thing that Jong Hoon’s father who was a close friend of Hong Ki’s father took charge of taking care of the young Hong Ki. However, it seemed like Hong Ki still grew alone, not feeling the love and care he needed from his own family. He is a child who grew up with many confusions and painful memories. He is afraid of rejection, of showing his true self because he is very vulnerable. Until now, he is still that lost child.”

            Recalling those little fragments of conversation with different persons, it was like a connect-the-dots-game for her. Every statement are matching and supporting with each other.

            “I… I went at oppa’s place yesterday…”

            “Yesterday, I went trying again. I tried to call him several times but there was no answer. I decided to drop by on his place but he wasn’t there. He was avoiding me. And I can't help but to feel saddened and down because I’ve been doing countless efforts but there’s still no progress. Unnie, I’m afraid to grow tired of oppa. And I feel like I’m losing all the courage and hope now. I don’t know what else to do!”

            She remembered Suzy telling that to her. And if she can remember it right, Hong Ki acted very strange and moody during that time when somebody called him a lot of times, and he just kept on rejecting the call. That must be Suzy, wanting to have a good talk with her brother. And that also explains Hong Ki’s sudden stiffness that time, which she tried to break down by giving him an ice cream.

            “Bae Suzy,” she whispered softly, finally getting everything sinking into her mind. “… Is your sister… your younger sister. How can I not know it?”

            “She’s only my half-sister. She’s my mom’s daughter to Mr. Hans Bae,” Hong Ki uttered softly, but she can feel the sharpness in his every word. “Hans Bae, the guy she replaced my father for,” Hong Ki chuckled painfully.

           “Hong Ki,” she called out softly, not knowing what to do to somehow console and ease his pain. Unknowingly, she moved closer to him to make him feel that he’s not alone.

            “Do you know how that hurts, Shin Hye?” Hong Ki looked at her. Pain is shouting in his eyes, emotions are now manifested in his very face. “Do you know how everything hurts for a four year old child when he barely knows what’s happening? It was confusing! I cannot understand everything yet I needed to undergo to that struggle…because of what? Just because she cannot live with a struggling ambitious musician?”

            A tear fell down and soaked Hong Ki’s cheeks. For the first time, she saw him finally accepting his defeat from his sorrow that he let his tears finally escape from his eyes. He is shattered. His eyes are telling her how ruined he is. And his pain is shattering her also. She can feel her heart cry for him also.

            “Lee Sonia, Bae Sonia, or whoever she is, she is so selfish! She is so selfish! She managed to leave her husband and her four-year old son just to have a grand life. She had forsaken us just to get the comforting life she wants for herself. She left me… She abandoned me… She led my father’s life out of direction!” he told her, gnashing his teeth, and clenching his fists out of anger. His eyes are emitting anger and disgust. Not knowing what to do, she slowly put her hand above his’ and clutched it carefully tight, wanting him to feel that he’s not alone. She is there, willing to listen to him if he wants to loosen up his burden.

            As if understanding what her body language meant, Hong Ki slowly opened his mouth and began telling her his painful tale.

            “My dad is an amateur musician, struggling for his work of art to be witnessed, doing his very best even though he knows that it’s a hard path to take. What he only has is the rehearsal studio I inherited from him, his wife and his son,” he began telling her his story, as if he is slowly uncovering himself from the mask he had put in his face, freeing himself out of his cage.

            “But his wife is ambitious. She wanted a good life for herself. Every time, I would hear them quarrel about dad’s being a good-for-nothing husband and family provider because of his passion for music. Until that time came when mom cannot endure it anymore and left us for her pursuit of a good life. I thought she would come back. She promised me that she would return. And I believed her.”

            She can feel his pain in every word that he utters. Shining tears are invading his sorrowed eyes; tears that he had kept for a very long time. And in her eyes right now, what she can see is a little Hong Ki, a lost boy, a confused and saddened kid that he had always kept inside himself because he was afraid of admitting that he is hurting. The little child that remained in him, also because he was not letting go of the pain.

            “But it was later when I found out that she went with Hans Bae. Hans Bae who was a millionaire, a rich businessman! What is my father compared to him, right?” he let out a bitter chuckle. “My dad’s nothing compared to him! He is a pathetic compared to Hans Bae! And Hans Bae can give her the life she wanted to have, the life that my father couldn’t give to her,” he reiterated with such sharpness—sharpness that, she knows, kills him up to this very point.

             “And she built her family with him. They bore a pretty little princess they named Suzy and lived in a castle. They are a happy family indeed. And mom forgot that she once had a family on us. She forgot that I was still breathing; I was still waiting for her return, hoping that our family will be complete. But she never came back. She never fulfilled her promise to me. She was never a mother to me when she was the best mom Suzy could ever have. Suzy has her complete family when I was left with nothing. How unfair is that, right?”

            Hong Ki’s cry became louder. He was hugging himself like a child who’s protecting himself from all the pain. His eyes are emitting tears of enviousness, tears of longing, tears that are begging for love and care. And it kills her heart. Because she can feel him. She can feel his sorrow and grief. She understands how painful it was for him to be left alone, though she knows that she would never comprehend the intensity of his pain and suffering. It was as if he was stolen something that was precious for him, something that was rightfully for him, yet he didn’t have the chance to claim it as his own. A thing which was near him, but when he tried to reach for it, still, it was out of his grasp. An ironic game of fate that we couldn’t ever understand.

            “And to make things worse, from the moment mom left us, dad’s life literally became good-for-nothing. He had no reason to continue living. He became out of purpose; had no direction. He had no inspiration to write songs, to fulfill his dreams for music,” he continued, sobbing and sniffing hard to control his breathing. “Because my mom was his reason to live, the reason why he was struggling. I saw how devastated my father was. And it was painful to see for a child like me. Every day was so tiring for me, seeing how chaotic everything was, seeing the pain in my dad’s eyes, witnessing how he struggled every day of his life to continue living. I had undergone all that as a child. Until my father died, mom still didn’t return. Yes, she tried to persuade me to live with her, with her new family, with her complete and happy family, but I know I don’t belong there. That wasn’t the family I wanted and dreamt to have every moment before my father died.”

            Hong Ki cried more in his palms. From that moment, she could see how vulnerable he is; how fragile his soul is. Never did she think that she would witness Hong Ki as transparent as this, allowing someone to see through him the real sorrows and pains he had kept in himself. She also never thought that he was keeping that intense grief. Yes, she knew there was a reason behind his dark cold eyes and his frigid attitude. She had seen how many times he caged himself up, stiffened his resolve and masked himself with no clear emotions, but she never imagined it was this deep. Jae Jin told her something about Hong Ki, but it was hundreds and thousand times painful when Hong Ki himself poured his wounded heart to her.

            Her heart ached and cried for him also. It’s beating sympathy and understanding for Hong Ki. And deep inside her, she knew she wanted him to feel better. She desired for him to be healed, to let go of all the pain and see the beauty of life behold all the painful memories and scars it left him. She wanted to see him smile, open himself to the world, forgive, and live his life rightfully.

            She didn’t know what urged her to move closer to him and hug him tight, but she knows that was the right thing to do. She wanted to make him feel that he’s not alone after all. She can hear Hong Ki sob and cry painfully on her shoulders as she can only pat his back to somehow make him feel at ease.

            “It’s okay to cry Hong Ki,” she whispered softly to him. “Crying doesn’t mean that you’re admitting that you are weak. Crying means that you are brave enough to admit that you are also vulnerable to pain.”

            Hong Ki cried some more on her shoulders before he pulled himself up and cleared the tears on his cheeks. His eyes shut right through her. And she bit her lips as anger is still manifested in the soul of his eyes. No one could ever take away the pain out of Hong Ki, unless he decides to let go of his pains.

            Gnashing his teeth, Hong Ki pulled his enclosed fist to punch the wall they are leaning unto. But her reflexes were fast enough that she had put her hand before him on that surface he was about to punch, making her fragile hand feel the pain from the force of Hong Ki’s huge fist. Pain registered on her face as she felt the contact, but she knows that was incomparable to the pain he is feeling.

            “Why did you do that?” Hong Ki asked her, giving her his cold sharp stare.

            Feeling the growing pain in her hand, Shin Hye bit her lower lip upon gazing directly into Hong Ki’s gloomy and tearing eyes.

            “Because I want you to know that someone’s sharing the pain with you,” she said. “You don’t have to keep everything by yourself, Hong Ki.”

            Feeling his frustrations, Hong Ki ran his fingers through his hair as he stood up, turning his back at her.

            “Why do they always have to mess up with my life?” Hong Ki asked with frustrations in his voice. He even kicked the wall hard.

            “Maybe because… you are part of their life,” she answered him softly. “You can never be erased from their life. You are their family.”

            “Family?” Hong Ki laughed sarcastically. “How can I be their family when they abandoned me? Now, they’re going to invade my life, telling me things I should do?! Mom persuaded me to take a business course in a fine business school. I agreed just to stop her from messing with my life. Now again, she would come to me and tell me to live my life correctly, turn my back from my music, and live seriously?! They even bought dad’s studio to threaten me to get myself out of the band and my musical dreams! That’s why I have to work extra hard just to get that studio back from them before they try to make it as their business establishment,” Hong Ki exasperated, gnashing his teeth.

            “Now, my sister’s been following me, telling me how she wanted to have her so-called ‘complete family’ with me? Why don’t they just get out of my life and stop intruding with my affairs? Why don’t they just literally forget about me just like what they did all these years? Why, Shin Hye? Why?” tears ran down Hong Ki’s cheeks again as he can't stop himself from hurting and feeling very frustrated. Everything was a burden for him from the very beginning. And it was like there’s no way he can ever escape from all of this.

            Shin Hye felt the intensity on Hong Ki’s state that she wanted him to calm down so she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him from his back. That’s the only thing she can do for him as she also doesn’t know how to answer his question and pacify his wounded spirit. All she knows is just one thing…

            “Just try to let go of the pain, Hong Ki. Let go of everything you are holding into your heart. Then, everything might subside and fall into order.”

            Hong Ki felt his heart beat for the first time. It’s as if the freezing winter snow in his heart is slowly melting with the warm sunshine she is bringing into him. But he sure doesn't know how to let go of the pain.

___________

Hello!!! :) Vacation is over... But still, It's a happy new year to all of us... I hope you all had a great time guys.

And I also hope you had a great time reading my new update... I hope you like it...

Actually, I didn't know what to feel while I was writing this chapter because I think it's kind of emotional, but then I hope I made justice to their feelings. I hope you could imagine Hong Ki crying like I do... (though I dont really want to see him cry...^^)

I hope you appreciated it and felt all the emotions lingering to the characters...

I'm just quite sad I didnt receive so much comment from my last update. But I hope to get more comments with this update...

But thanks to those who commented.. :)

Please, please do tell me something... Tell me your views and opinions...

And I hope to get more subscribers...

Continue supporting me, Hong ki and Shin Hye!!

Spread the HongShin love!!! ^^