Chapter 20

I Won’t Give Up

♪♪ When I look into your eyes

It’s like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

There’s so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you’ve come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul? ♪♪

Shin Hye was awakened when she heard that beautiful melody playing. But though conscious, she let her eyes remained close, indulging herself into the realms of the song. It was a sweet soft melody; a peaceful and heartfelt rendition of the song. And her heart thumped erratically inside her chest while listening to that familiar soothing husky voice.

            Hong Ki.

            Her heart beat fast yet painful at the thought of Hong Ki serenading her. It was something that she both wanted and hated. It was something between the thin line of possibility and impossibility. This could probably just a dream—a beautiful yet painful dream.

            How ironic. She smiled bitterly at herself.

♪♪ I won’t give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I’m giving you all my love

I’m still looking up ♪♪

            Though her eyes were closed, she could imagine Hong Ki’s skilled hand tapping the strings of his favorite guitar in an expertly manner. Shin Hye, even in her reverie, couldn’t help but to be amazed on how talented Hong Ki was. And she couldn’t also help but to recall those wonderful times she had with him—she and he, playing the guitar and singing pretty good songs together. Those were the things she wanted to bring with her to the heavens.

♪♪ And when you’re needing your space

To do some navigating

I’ll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find ♪♪

            If this is just a dream, I want to see him. Her inner voice shouted. And before she could fight her own desire, she had opened her eyes a little. A ray of light blinded her vision, but in seconds, her eyes got accustomed to the light. An image of a man tapping his guitar became vivid. It was Hong Ki sitting at the stool near her bed and the window. The beautiful and dazzling rays of sunshine that were reflected from the window were glistening on him.

           Her eyes scanned Hong Ki. He was wearing something white, and it made him appeared like an angel to her. He was so clean. He looked so fresh. He looked very handsome whilst the wind was softly blowing his brownish hair. He was intently playing his guitar like his life depended on it. Just as always, he looked really passionate about what he was doing, as if there was nothing he could do on Earth but to tap the strings of his guitar.

♪♪ Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We’ve got a lot to learn

God knows we’re worth it

No, I won’t give up. ♪♪

            She felt the conviction his song was telling. She felt the emotions he was feeling. That was the power of Hong Ki’s voice—he could captivate you and melt you afterwards. And when she stared at his eyes, though he wasn’t staring directly at her, she could read sadness on it.

♪♪ I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend

For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not

And who I am ♪♪

            She shut her eyes close. It was a dream—a dream that started beautifully; a dream that was crafted with melody; a dream where sadness was slowly crawling in; a dream that would end when she closed her eyes and let herself live in sleep forever.

♪♪ I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)

God knows I’m tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)

God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I’m giving you all my love

I’m still looking up ♪♪

            This is just a dream. She convinced herself. And nothing in this dream would ever come into reality. So Shin Hye, stop dreaming now.

            The song faded. Silence roared. Then, she heard footsteps, as if someone was walking towards her. Then, silence roared once more.

            “Shin Hye,” she heard Hong Ki’s voice. “I won’t give up on us.”

~~

“Shin Hye. Shin Hye.”

            Shin Hye was awakened when she heard someone calling her name. It was a familiar voice. And when she opened her eyes, she saw her father gazing down at her, worry evident on his eyes.

            “D-Dad…” she said, her voice hoarse. She felt so weak and drain, but she also felt safe when she saw her father. It felt like a dream to her.

            “How are you?” her father asked. “What are you feeling right now? Are you having headaches? Are you dizzy, or hungry?”

            She managed to let out a soft yet heartily chuckle. This was real. “Dad, you’re overreacting. I’m fine. How did you know I was here?”

            “You’re friend called me.”

            “Who? Suzy?”

            “Yes,” he answered. “Why didn’t you tell me you were having a hard time here because of your sickness? Didn’t I tell you to take care of yourself?”

            “Dad, I’m taking care of myself. It’s just that, my sickness is a traitor.”

            Her dad sighed.

            “How long will I still stay here at the hospital?” she asked.

            “For a couple of days. I don’t exactly know when,” her dad answered. “They still have to keep you for monitoring purposes.”

            Shin Hye pouted, feeling upset. “I want to get out of here as soon as possible. So that we can tour around Seoul.”

            Her dad tapped her head. “So you have to recover fast, okay?” She nodded at her father’s request. Optimism was one of the few things she had a grasp of right now. Her dad held her hand and squeezed it gently. “You have to be alright soon. Dad doesn’t want to lose his only daughter.”

            “Of course you won’t, dad. I will forever be your daughter no matter what.”

            They exchanged warm smiles. Now that her father was right beside her, Shin Hye couldn’t help but to feel a sense of comfort. It was as if she was at home. There’s that sense of relief she had felt when she held her dad’s hand. It felt like she was safe from everything.

            One thing she found good about having brain cancer was that her relationship with her Dad became better. When she was younger, she felt walls were between them. He didn’t seem like a father to her. Before, the word ‘dad’ was merely a title to this older man for she felt no affection the usual fathers would have for their daughter. He would always stop her from doing the things she had always wanted to do. He encapsulated her in a world he created for her while separating himself from her in a world he only made for himself. It was difficult. It was suffocating.

            But everything changed when they learned she had sickness. It was as if an eye opener for her dad, waking him into the reality that he had to be a real ‘father’ to his only daughter. Her cancer had become a way for both of them to be freed from the cage they had been encapsulated into.

            Shin Hye saw a tear fell from her father’s eyes. It was the first time she had witnessed such phenomenon. Her dad had always been that stern and strict father. He was a disciplinarian, an authoritarian in their house. He had his emotions hidden, or maybe he didn’t have any emotions at all—that was what she thought until she saw him crying today. And it pinched her heart. Seeing a person who had always been strong and tough crying was paining her.

            Her father’s hands were shaking as he was holding her laboratory tests results. The poor paper was now crumpled in his hands. It was the paper she had been hiding inside her drawer for a week now. It was the paper she had been avoiding him to see.

            Shin Hye felt terror when her dad crumpled the paper fully and threw it somewhere on the floor. She thought he was mad at her for keeping him a very serious secret. But she was afraid of his reaction. She didn’t have any idea how to blurt that fragile news to him.

“D-Dad…” she called him, stuttering. It was as if there was a lump on . She was also feeling totally weak. If not for the hospital bed she was sitting, she could’ve probably fallen on the floor.

            “That’s not true, right? Right? What’s written there in that stupid paper is not true, right?” Her father asked in a higher voice. She was startled when he shouted. She wanted to pacify him and just answer yes. But that was not the case. She couldn’t just tell him what he wanted to hear. She should tell him the truth.

            She felt her eyes stung, tears eloping from it. She couldn’t help herself from crying. For a week now since she learned the truth, she had been crying helplessly. She had been praying that everything was just a bad dream and she’d wake up from it eventually. She had been denying the truth from herself. She had been wishing that everything was just a mistake. Because facing the truth was hard. Confrontations were hard.

            “So when are you going to tell me? Why did you have to keep this thing from me, Shin Hye? Why?” her father asked in gritted teeth. “If you didn’t collapse in your room, if I didn’t bring you immediately in the hospital, would I know?”

            “I-I’m sorry Dad. Sorry,” she said while sobbing hard. “It’s just that I don’t know how to tell you. I was afraid to tell you. Because again, for the nth time in my life, I’ve disappointed you. Because I’m weak. Because I was not strong enough.”

            She was surprised when her Dad cried aloud. He was breaking down in front of her. He was not like this. He was never like this. For the first time in her whole existence, she had witnessed her dad’s vulnerability. And it was an unbearable sight for her. She never wished to be her Dad’s cause of pain. Never.

            “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Dad. I’ve done a lot of mistakes. I’ve been stubborn in many ways. But you know, I always try to correct my wrong doings. For you to be proud of me. But this time, this one, I think it’s the biggest mistake I’ve done. Yet I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know how to correct it. And there’s no way I could straight things up.”

            “No. No.” Her Dad shook his head violently, opposing her. “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m the one who should apologize. Did you… really think of it that way? Oh my, Shin Hye…” She was stupefied when her dad wrapped his arms around her for a warm and tight hug. In her whole existence, she couldn’t remember any fragment of memory that her father hugged her this lovingly. Maybe it was the first time. It was the first time she had felt affection from him. And that made her cry even more.

            “You were never a disappointment to me, Shin Hye. Did you feel that way? I’m sorry. Sorry. I-I… I just don’t know how to be a father to you whilst being a mother as well. I didn’t even know how to be just solely your dad. I was so mindful on how I could make you grow into a better person, but I didn’t know I was slowly becoming that control freak father you didn’t want to have.”

            She couldn’t stop herself from crying. Those were the words she had always wanted to hear from her Dad.

            “And that sickness, oh my, how could you blame it to yourself. It was not your mistake Shin Hye. And it’s not true that we couldn’t straight things up. We could start anew. And we will fight that disease. That brain tumor had consumed me your mom, and there’s no way I would let it take my only daughter from me.”

            “S-So Mom died because of the same sickness that I have right now?”

            Her Dad nodded, pain was all over his eyes. “When she was gone, it was very painful for me. I didn’t think I’d ever survive it. When she died, it was like she took all my feelings away. I couldn’t feel anything anymore aside from pain. Maybe that’s why I distanced myself from you. So when someone leaves, I wouldn’t be shattered again anymore. But not again this time.” Her Dad pulled her into a hug once more. “Not you. You were the only precious thing your mom left me.”

            “Shin Hye.” She was distracted from reminiscing when she heard her Dad’s voice calling her. She looked up to him and scanned his face. She missed her Dad.

            “So how was Seoul?”

            “Beautiful. I had so much fun while staying here. I’ve been to places. I’ve seen huge huge huge buildings. Met new people, and became a part of some people’s lives.”

            Her Dad smiled warmly at her. “Did you have many friends?”

            “Not very many. But all of them are very close to me. Especially Suzy. She’s my roommate. I’ve met her parents too, and they’re wonderful. I also got to know members of a band, and they’re pretty cool. They’re very good with their craft. And—“ She stopped, wondering if she would still continue her story. She was to tell about Hong Ki. After all, he was the most significant part of her story in Seoul. But it was like something was stopping her from talking about him. Maybe because, there was a part of her that wanted to just forget about him, but her inner part wanted to be with him.

            “And?”

            “And… And I got to know Suzy’s brother too. He’s the lead vocalist of the band. He’s a very good singer. And he even taught me how to play guitar.”

            “Really? Is he better than me?”

            “You?” she looked at him quizzically. “I don’t know. I never heard you sing or play the guitar Dad.”

            “Ah, yeah,” her dad nodded. “But your mom and I were part of a band when we were younger. I just stopped singing after her death though. But I guess…” her Dad cleared his throat. “…skills don’t falter much even after a long time.”

            “Are you telling me that you want to sing?” she asked with a grin.

            “Are you challenging your Dad?” he asked playfully. She just chuckled at his playful nature.

            “Go. Will you sing a song for me, Dad?”

            The older Park smiled at her. Shin Hye felt totally thrilled about his Dad singing for her. It was a new experience. She didn’t even know that he was a band member before but now. And in few seconds, he started singing.

♪♪ I won’t give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I’m giving you all my love

I’m still looking up ♪♪

            Her Dad’s voice was truly beautiful. But the song itself was something that it made her struck for a moment. Her heart automatically thumped inside her chest.

            “That song…” she muttered.

            “Hmm?” her Dad paused, hearing her soft mumbling. “What was that, Shin Hye?”

            “Ah… Nothing… It’s just that…”

            “That?”

            “I just thought the song is familiar. That was the song I heard in my dream a while ago.”

            “No.” Her Dad shook his head. “It was not a dream.”

            “So…” Her eyebrows furrowed. “You were really singing me that song a while ago?”

            “No. It was not me. It was the vocalist.”

            Her eyes automatically encircled. Her heart beat became erratic. “Hong… Ki?”

            “Yes, that guy.”

            “H-how…?” She was speechless. She couldn’t think properly. She thought that was just a dream—a faint reverie she saw because her mind, no matter how much she deny, really wanted to see him as well. And how could her father know about him?

            Her Dad smiled at her like he knew something really intriguing. “He was here. He was serenading you while you were asleep. It was not a dream, my dear.”

            “But… Why was he here?”

            Her Dad shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. But before he left, he told me something, that he won’t give up. He won’t let you go.”

            “Dad…” she didn’t know how to react. She didn’t know if she’d feel embarrass for Hong Ki boldly told that to her father, or she’d feel moved to the fact that he serenaded her though she was asleep, or perhaps, pained for they both know that they should give up now.

            “My little girl has now grown into a beautiful lady. Now you have another man in your life aside from your father,” her Dad pinned her gently into a hug. “That guy, Shin Hye, likes you a lot. And it takes so much courage for a man to be beside a girl despite the risk of death. But you know what; only sublime and pure love could make it until the end, despite any hindrances, despite the promise of the future unknown.”

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Dear Readers,

Sorry for making you wait. I know Im updating very slow, and I'm very sorry. It's just that I dont always have internet access. But I promise, I would finish this. I hope you'll stay with me til the end.