Chapter 3

Behind those dark cold eyes

            Shin Hye is silently staring at nowhere as she felt the cold winter breeze blew once more. She is leaning her back on the wall as she’s sitting on the ground, and every time she turns her head up, she is greeted by the blue sky above, and when she turn her head down, she can see Seoul’s view from the top. It is really silent from where she is. She couldn’t even hear the loud noises coming from the busy streets of Seoul, but only the humming winter breeze she adores. In fact, the scene below is breath taking and she could’ve filled her eyes with it. It is indeed silent, but it is not peaceful at all.

            She turned her head on her left and witnessed the beautiful face of the man beside her. And just like the atmosphere she is feeling, he is silent, but he doesn’t look peaceful at all. No, not even an inch. And she couldn’t understand how her heart feels sorrowful and lonely for this man though he’s not uttering anything at all. But she can feel him. She can feel his pain and sorrow.

            She traced his beautiful face. Just like the way he always seems, Hong Ki looks cold and stiff as ever. He knows and is merely aware of her presence but he is not even batting an eye to look at her just for a while. Instead, he is watching the sky though it’s as if he’s not seeing anything at all. But even though he keeps his eyes off her, even if he doesn’t look at her, she can still see through those transparent eyes.

            Hong Ki made himself stiffer and colder than the way he used to be. He made his face emotionless, his eyes dark and cloudy. He started to masked himself once again of his cold and heartless expressions, as if he’s someone who doesn’t care to the world. But she can see beneath that. She can see even in those dark cold eyes of his. She can see his loneliness, his sadness, his grief, his sorrows… And her heart aches seeing him like this. If why, she couldn’t even understand.

            “Hong Ki…” she whispered in a low voice which almost didn’t come out. She has also no idea of what to say. “Bya ne… I’m sorry to witness those things I shouldn’t have seen… But I guess, I’ve seen that so I can share you something…” she bit her lower lip, nervous on how Hong Ki would react. But he didn’t utter a thing. It’s as if he didn’t hear what she say, that she’s a non-existent in his world.

            She nodded her head in understanding that he doesn’t want to speak out. Then, she took her eyes off him and looked at the puffy clouds up above covering the blue sky.

            “You know what, we’re kind of the same,” she managed to smile softly and made her voice a bit cheery. “Back when I was in the province, my father wouldn’t also allow me to engage myself in music. It was a forbidden thing to do. I know what it feels like to be prohibited to do the thing you really want to do. It’s hard and suffocating...” she smiled bitterly. “But you know what, we are also different. There’s a big difference between the two of us, because if there’s such thing called luck, you are luckier than me…”

            “I miss my mom,” she said in the tune of loneliness and longing. “You… You are very lucky to have your mom,” she said as she breathed some air. “Because you have more time with her. You can hug her… Kiss her... And tell her everything you want to say. You can hear her talk to you. You can feel her hug you too or kiss you. You could do all the things that I couldn’t ever do with my mom.”

            She relaxed herself in the walls and closed her eyes as she figure in her mind the peaceful and smiling face of her mom she really didn’t see in person. On the other hand, she didn’t hear any response from Hong Ki so she continued reflecting.

            “My mom… she died… She died when she was giving birth to me. She died in order to give me life,” she felt a tear escaped her eyes when she uttered her sad reality. “That’s why I didn’t even had the chance to hold her hand… or to feel her hug. I didn’t know how her voice sounded like. I wasn’t given the chance to feel how it is to have a mother who would take care of you and stand up for you when you fall down. There was no one for me… But for you, there’s someone…”

             “Every time is a chance to live your life. But nevertheless, we don’t have every time in the world. We don’t have all the time to live our lives and stay with the people we love most. Some would come, some would go and leave. That’s a painful reality but at the same time, it is a clear manifestation that as long as we have the time to live, we should spend it the way it should be lived. Make every moment a living legacy because every moment is a memory to cherish and remember,” she looked at the silent man beside her.

            “As long as you have time, make the people around you remember every little memory so that when they are already gone, they would still remember, and you will be left with something to reminisce to. Live your life, Hong Ki. I know I am not in the right position to tell you this. I also don’t know the real story behind you and the way you live your life, but it will be less cold if you try to live your life and make the best legacy you could ever make. Cherish your time with your mother and the people you love. You still have a lot of time rather than me…”

            Hong Ki turned to her with his cold eyes. And she felt she froze for a moment. Her heart beat wildly inside her chest as she saw some light in his eyes, as she saw emotions lying there deep down. He might’ve wanted to say something… He might’ve opened himself to him… and she might’ve helped him. But then, darkness and gloominess struck on him once more.

            “Who are you?” he asked in a low yet firm voice. He is staring at her like he was slicing her into pieces that she became confused.

            “Eh?”

            “Who are you?! I said who are you to tell me how to live my life?!!!” Hong Ki shouted at her like he was going to swallow her anytime soon. His eyes are burning with anger and irritation. He had never seen him this fiery and furious. And she never thought that he can be like this.

            “Hong Ki…” her eyes are fixed at his erupting state. He is gnashing his teeth and clenching his fists. And her heart thumps wildly inside her chest, somewhat afraid to this man in front of her. And she feels like tears would suddenly burst in her eyes in just a moment.

            “You barely know me! You don’t know me! Not even a real thing, Park Shin Hye!! So stop saying nonsense things to me! Stop pretending that you know me!! Stop assuming that you can help me because this is all stupid nonsense!” Hong Ki is even pointing his finger to her. He is really at the peak of his outburst.

            “Whoever angel you’re trying to be, telling me the things to a better life, just shut up and go! Stop messing with me or you’ll end up messed too. Stop assuming that you’re some kind of angel that could save me because it’s already been a long time that I’m stuck in this broken life of mine!”

            With just a blink of an eye, Hong Ki walked away from her sight. And she could only look at him with tears in her eyes as she hears his painful steps away from her. His words are really ruthless and it hurts a vulnerable type like her. It’s tearing her apart.

           “Hong Ki!” she shouted his name before she was aware of it. As a result, he stopped in the middle of his way, however, not facing her. “I pity you! You are such a coward to be stuck for a very long time in your dark cold life! You thought that you’re a one cool heartless person, insensitive of the hurt anymore, but the truth is that you’re just a coward jerk! You’re a coward jerk because you’re afraid to see the light when everyone’s been pulling you hard already. You’re afraid because you know you are vulnerable and you can't stop hurting!”

            Upon hearing what she says, Hong Ki continued to walk again, not minding the things she’s telling him.

            “Yes, you are right. I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you and the reason why you’re stuck, and I don’t have the right to tell you what to do. But you know yourself, Hong Ki. And it’s only you who has the right to live his life in the right path. I wish you would understand that,” she yelled before he already vanished in her eyes and abandoned her.

            Just then, she felt a sting on her head. It’s beginning again. And she feels like her strength is slowly withdrawing from her body and she can only fall on her knees.

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            “There’s a song that’s inside of my soul… It’s the one that I’ve tried to write over and over again…”

            Shin Hye heard that wonderful voice of a lady playing inside her head. It’s that kind of voice that’s relaxing and soothing. It’s very refreshing to hear.

            “I’m awake in the infinite cold…But you sing to me over and over and over again…”

            The voice keeps on playing, singing the song in a melodious and heartfelt way. It’s not loud as it has to be but it is already enough to show how that particular voice can give justice to that beautiful song.

            “When it feels like my dreams are so far… But you come to me over and over and over again…”

             The voice keeps on singing and she got curious on who it was so she decided to finally open her eyes. She opened her eyes and found herself lying on her bed. After losing strength from fighting with Hong Ki, she remembered that she hurried to went home and crawl into her bed to take a nap. But it seems like she has really fallen into a deep sleep because it’s already dark outside as she can see in the window.

            “So I lay my head back down… And I lift my hands and pray…”

            She decided to set her feet on the ground and take a walk inside to the kitchen where the voice seems to be coming from. Aside from that, she can feel her stomach already growling because of hunger and the aromatic fragrance of food seems to be calling her.

            “To be only yours, I pray… To be only yours, I know now… You’re my only hope…”

            She saw Suzy in front of the stove singing her heart out as she seemed to prepare something delicious with the pan she is holding. And she can't help but to smile. Suzy has a wonderful voice, and also has a wonderful reaction with the song. And she finds that cute.

            “Oh~ unnie,” Suzy yelped a little when she saw her standing not far from her. That made her stop from her singing and bit her lower lip a little. “You’re already awake. Bya ne… my voice might’ve woken you up. I’m sorry.”

            “No, it’s okay,” she shook her head with a smile. “The truth is that you have a wonderful voice. I enjoyed listening to it.”

            “Really?” Suzy’s rounded eyes encircled more as she wondered. “I must’ve inherited that talent from my oppa.”

            Suzy smiled contentedly as if she was pleased with her comment. She continued doing her thing in front of the stove. “This would take some more minutes, unnie. Just wait a little and sit there in front of the table, ara?”

            She smiled at Suzy and nodded. But then, she still walked towards the utensil’s rack and got themselves some plates. She arranged it in the table and waited and sat as what Suzy had directed.

            “So you have an elder brother,” she began picking up from where they stopped.

            Suzy nodded fully. “Yeah. And my oppa is really a good- good singer. His voice is one of a kind.”

            Shin Hye smiled. “You must be very proud of him then.”

            “Of course, I am. He is my only brother and I love him a lot,” Suzy said in a matter-of- fact way. But her eyes suddenly lost its brightness. “I just wish he knows that,” there’s a tinge of sadness in her voice now.

            “Of course, he knows. With how you talked about him, your love for him is already reflecting. So I know he can clearly see that,” she said, trying to console her.

            Suzy shook her head. “No. I know he doesn’t know. Or even if he knows, he wouldn’t care at all. Oppa and I… We aren’t really like those close siblings. We are different.”

            “How can he not care? You are siblings! No offense but, he must be crazy not knowing what he is losing because of his insensitivity.”

            “None taken, unnie.” Suzy smiled sheepishly. “Here, serve yourself with the omelet I’ve made. And tell me if it’s delicious, okay?”

            Shin Hye nodded and took some omelet using her fork.

            “How was it?” Suzy asked eagerly.

            “Hmm… well, it’s somehow salty,” she said truthfully. “But nonetheless, it is edible,” she smiled.

           “Aigoo…” Suzy breathed some air. “I really at cooking. I cannot even cook the simple omelet correctly!”

            She laughed a little at Suzy’s reaction. “Don’t worry, you’ll soon perfect it. I can sense it.”

            “Thanks, unnie. I’ll try to do better the next time,” Suzy then said, regaining her cheery self. Suzy helped herself some serving of her own omelet and munched on it. “What about you unnie? Do you have any sibling?”

            She shook her head gently. “I am an only child. My mother died when I was born and my father never moved on from that so he didn’t remarry. That’s why I don’t know how it is to have an oppa or an unnie.”

            “Oh~ I’m sorry to hear that,” Suzy bit her lower lip.

            “No, it’s okay,” she smiled at her. “So tell me, how it is to have a brother?”

            “I don’t know, really,” Suzy sighed. “I told you that oppa and I are different from the others. We didn’t even grow together. I don’t actually remember a time that we shared together.”

            “Really? But why?”

            “Well, oppa is only my half-brother. We have different fathers,” Suzy revealed. And she just stayed there, lending an ear. “His father and our mother separated. Eventually, mom met dad and they married each other. My dad is a businessman whose business is based in America. So, they decided to live at the United States and settled there. Then, I was born and raised like everything is just typical and perfect.”

            “What happened to your oppa and his dad?”

            “Mom didn’t let oppa down, of course. She gives him what he needs. She makes sure that he is living a comfortable life. She sends him to a good school. She finds a time to communicate with oppa, and let him understand the situation. At the same time, she’s already feeding my young mind the real things that are happening in my surroundings. And I started to understand that the situation isn't perfect as it seemed to be,” Suzy stated.

            “But oppa’s father died. And we think that it’s the start of his being cold. Umma tried to take oppa and live with us, but oppa didn’t like the arrangement. He would always say no to what mom’s offering. He was cold then, but every time, he gets colder and farther away from us. Now, it seems like we couldn’t reach him.”

            “I grew up wanting to feel what it is to have an elder brother who would stand for you when everyone else is not on your side. When my parents allowed me to move here in Korea, I thought I would finally get in touch and eventually be closer to oppa. But that was all just dreams.”

           Shin Hye doesn’t know how to make the atmosphere lighten up. Suzy seemed to be really sad with her story.

            “I’m sorry. I didn’t expect that it was like that,” she said, giving her a sympathetic smile.

            Suzy also managed to smile at her. “It’s alright, unnie. I’m already used to with this.”

            “Don’t worry. I’m sure time will come that your brother would realize everything. That dream of having a brother on your side will no longer be a dream but a reality.”

            Suzy smiled to her. “Thanks, unnie.” Suzy paused for a while when they both heard her cellphone ringing. It’s even vibrating, creating a loud noise. That made her stared innocently at her phone. She saw Jae Jin’s name in the register. Jae Jin is calling her in this time of the night?

            “I guess you have to answer that, unnie. That must be something urgent,” Suzy told her.

            “Okay. Please excuse me for a moment. I’ll just take this call,” she said and get up of her seat. She clicked the button of her phone and heard Jae Jin’s alarmed voice on the other line.

            “Oh, Jinnie- ah, why? What’s the matter?”

            “Shin Hye-ah… Are you with Lee Hong Ki right now?” he asked worriedly in the other line.

            “With Hong Ki?” she blinked her eyes in confusion. “No. He left early,” she simply answered, remembering how events turned out with Hong Ki that day. She sighed inwardly. It was still painful for her to remember.

            “Why did he left early? Did he tell you anything important? Did something have happened?”

            “Uh~ why? Is there a problem about him? What happened, Jae Jin?” she asked, feeling a little concern for Hong Ki. “He was really out of the mood and furious when… when he left me…”

            “He’s really unpredictable,” Jae Jin sighed in frustration. “Hong Ki is still professional when it comes to music and performing. This is the first time he stood us up for a performance. He is nowhere to be found and we can't even contact him. So we thought that he was with you, but it turns out that he’s not.”

            Her heart pounded learning the fact that Hong Ki was not with his band mates. They can't even contact him! He must really be devastated and lost.

            “Jae Jin-ah—“

           “Jae Jin-ah, Hong Ki isn't here still. We need to do something so it’s you who’ll be singing in the stage tonight. Prepare now,” she heard someone told Jae Jin. It somehow sounded like Jong Hoon.

            “But—“ Jae Jin tried to argue.

            “We have no other option. Hang on the phone now and prepare,” Jong Hoon directed him.

            “Okay. I get it,” Jae Jin sighed as he was left with no choice. He then turned back to her. “Shin Hye-ah, I have to hang up now. Thanks for your time. Bye.”

            “Jin-ah… wait—“

            She was answered by the dial tone after that. Jae Jin already turned his call off when she was about to tell him what happened with Hong Ki, and his encounter with his mom a while ago. She sighed. She can't help but to feel worried at the moment. What if something not-so good happened to Hong Ki? He seems to be a really lost kid a while ago.

            She shook her head. Hong Ki can take care of himself already. And besides, she has no right to feel worried for him. They are not even friends, right? And knowing that irascible, self-centered jerk, he wouldn’t like it if she intervened. So, she just took the steps back to the kitchen and joined Suzy who is now arranging their used plates and utensils in the sink.

           “Oh, unnie…What happened to you? You look somehow disoriented,” Suzy commented as she gazed at her. “What was that call all about?”

            “Ah, do I?” she asked lamely. She tried to smile a little and then shook her head. “Oh no… no… Don’t mind me. That was just nothing,” she assured.

            “You sure?”

            She nodded her head as a response on Suzy’s asking. Then, she went to take over Suzy’s spot in front of the sink and push her a little. “You can now take a rest, Suzy-ah. Let me do the dishes, okay?”

            “No, unnie. Let me do it,” Suzy argued, getting the plate on her hands. “You seemed exhausted when I saw you so you must take a rest.”

            “No, I’m really fine Suzy-ah. Let me at least do a share to our household chores,” she battled, not letting go of the plate in her hands.

            “No, I can handle this, unnie.”

            “Let me do it Suz—“ her sentence was cut when the plate slipped her hand, landing hard to the sink, making it break into tiny pieces. She and Suzy both gasped as they saw what happened because of their tug-of-war with the plate.

            “I’m sorry,” she said as she bit her lower lip and tried to pick up the little pieces of the plate now. But because she was somehow out of focused, she didn’t pay much attention that those tiny pieces are actually dangerous that it cut her finger, making blood drew out from it.

            “Unnie, are you okay?” Suzy asked worriedly as she inspected her bleeding finger.

            “I’m fine. It’s just a cut,” she assured her.

            Suzy sighed. “I guess you really have to take a rest now, unnie. You’re somehow out of yourself. You’re even all panicky and you looked so worried,” she pointed out. “Go now and cure that wound.”

            She can't help but to only nod. Suzy was right. She’s tired. And no matter what, she can't avoid to feel worried, making her out of focus.

            “Alright. Maybe, I just have to relax myself a bit before I take some rest,” she said lamely then walked towards their bedroom. She sat near the window and focused her gaze outside. Most of the time, when she’s gazing at the stars above the night sky, she’s relaxed. But it seems not working for this particular time. No matter how much she wanted to clear her mind from everything that happened and will be happening, she just can't do so.

            She sighed in frustration and decided to get her guitar near her and practice some chords alone by herself. After what has happened, Hong Ki might not want it to be her vocal and guitar coach anymore. But when she tried to reach out for it, she gasped nothing but air. Her guitar couldn’t be found on where it supposed to be placed. And like as if it was automatic, her mind back-tracked what happened all this day and she remembered that she had left it at Hong Ki’s studio.

            She bit her finger in so much frustration and thinking that is happening with her at the moment. She has to get her guitar no matter what. But it’s already late to go out. But if she stayed and just waited for tomorrow to get it back, she doesn’t know what might occur. Hong Ki is very unpredictable. He might’ve poured all his annoyance with her to her poor guitar.

            No. Hong Ki is not a child. But she can never be sure of what will his actions will be.

            “Aish,” she grunted as she got her winter protections and decided to went out of the house.

            “Unnie,” Suzy called out. “Where are you going?”

            “Just… just somewhere,” she answered, unsure. “I’ll be back in a minute or so. Don’t worry.”

            And with that, she hurried herself and walked out of the house fast to catch the last bus.

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