Chapter 11

Healing Pains

            Sitting at a corner of the terrace of their school’s music building, Suzy gently strummed her fingers to the strings of her guitar resting on her lap, therefore creating a melodious noise in the air. She closed her eyes as she continued playing random chords in her strings, somehow feeling the tranquility and comfort of the music playing in her ears.

            Music is like her safe haven; the comfort zone where she finds her security and serenity whenever she feels life’s difficulties. Whenever something is troubling her and makes her heart feel weary, she just grabs her guitar and play random songs to somehow ease all the tension building up in her. And as if it was magic, she feels less troubled after.

            She doesn’t know if that’s the reason why she loves music, or if it is just a manifestation how she adores music, but the thing that is certain is that she definitely loves music and everything about it—be it singing, playing the guitar, and also dancing. Music is something that colors her life. It’s something that makes her feel carefree; something where she can express herself more; something that runs in her blood ever since. As a matter of fact, though she isn't a music major student because her parents don’t want her to, she still managed to make herself connected with music. She’s part of the school’s music club, and together with some other talented and pretty girls, they form a sing-and-dance group that performs in the school.

            And now, sitting in her favorite spot in the music building’s hall where she spends most of her leisure time, she is playing her guitar once again, trying to penetrate herself away from her lamentations. But she must admit that her guitar doesn’t give her the satisfaction of full peace and serenity but only that of tranquil solace. She knows that no matter how hard and how many times she plays her guitar, she wouldn’t get rid of that awful feeling inside her heart.

            What did I do wrong? Her little voice asked herself in silence. And again, she contemplated why her brother has to hate her strongly only to find nothing at all.

            Yeah, you did nothing, Suzy… The only thing that’s wrong is your existence. And for your existence, he’ll gonna hate you forever… Again, the little voice in her head stated, making her heart fell into pieces when it was already broken.

            It was like a cycle. Again and again, she would try to make him accept her, and again and again, he would reject her. But the cycle gets more destructing each time. It hurts her more, and it breaks and eats more of her.

            “Suzy…” a voice suddenly intruded her thinking. “Suzy…”

            She slowly opened her eyes and she was greeted by a lovely face.

            “Oh, hi Ji Eun,” she smiled a little as she gazed upon her friend. Ji Eun took a seat next to her and faced her. She pointed the guitar to her.

            “Can you try to strum it again?” she asked her. And though she was wondering, she still obliged to her friend’s little request.

            “I knew it,” Ji Eun said, crossing her arms. “It’s a little out of tune, Suzy,” she told her.

            “Is it?” she tried to strum a chord again and she heard its defect. It was really out of tune but not that much. Only those who are good with guitars can discover it. And Ji Eun is quite a genius with guitars as she naturally possesses musical talent.

            “You’re troubled, aren’t you?” Ji Eun guessed, knowing how Suzy acts whenever she’s stressed. It was another natural thing she possesses—the gift to determine Suzy’s feelings, especially when she’s down. “And I guess that’s more than trouble or stress because you haven’t even determined that your guitar was quite out of tune. You’re like out of yourself.”

            Suzy just gave Ji Eun a smile. Her friend really knows her.

            “Yeah, it’s not just trouble, it’s a catastrophe,” she said with sadness lingering in her voice.

            “Is this about a guy?” Ji Eun wondered again and she can only nod her head slowly as Hong Ki’s face flashed in her mind.

            “Yes, a guy,” she answered. “He’s not just a guy though,” she mumbled softly almost out of herself. He’s my brother.

            “I knew it. Then, the guy you are referring to must be that guy,” Ji Eun stated as if she has already just completed a puzzle. However, her friend’s words made her the puzzled one that she stared at Ji Eun with a questioning glare.

            “IU,” she called Ji Eun by her nickname. “What do you mean?” she asked her with a knotted forehead.

            “Well, I saw a guy in front of the school’s gate and he is looking for you,” IU revealed. “That’s actually why I am here, because I wanted you to know that someone outside is waiting for you. But then, I felt that you were troubled so I chatted with you a little.”

“Who’s that guy? What’s his name?” she asked curiously.

“Omo. I forgot to ask his name,” Ji Eun pouted cutely. “Must be the guy you were referring to.”

            “That’s impossible,” she mumbled softly, shaking her head.

           “But still, you have to know whether he’s the guy you were referring to or not, right? He’s waiting, so let’s go?”

            Before Suzy could even say a word, IU had already grasped for her hand and dragged her towards where that guy who’s looking for her could be found. She hadn’t even put her guitar in its proper place as Ji Eun didn’t give her the chance to do so. That’s why she is dragging her guitar along with them as they walk towards the school’s main gate.

            “Where is he?” IU asked, stretching her head from side to side to look for that guy she’s telling her. “Ah, there he is,” and she dragged her towards his direction. But as Suzy‘s eyes fell on that guy Ji Eun told her, she felt her legs stiffened. Her breathing became irregular as she felt sadness, anger, fear all rushed at the same time through her system. And all the destroying memories she had every time she meets him came crushing in her mind without warning.

            “Suzy, why?” Ji Eun asked innocently as she felt Suzy’s stiffening. On the other hand, Suzy wants to run away from what she was seeing but she felt her legs numb.

           “Suzy, what’s wrong?” Ji Eun shrugged her body a little, but she isn't moving a bit as her eyes lay on that guy. “Suzy!”

            And that caught his ears. Hearing Suzy’s name made him turn himself to face them. And the moment their eyes locked, Suzy felt all the pain and all the combined emotions fill her heart.

          “Oppa…” she mumbled softly, feeling a shot of pain crushed her heart little by little. What are you doing here?

            Slowly, he walks through their way and she felt she wanted to run, but she couldn’t. She felt she wanted to tear up but there were no tears falling.

            “Hey,” IU greeted him. “Sorry to keep you waiting.”

            “It’s okay,” he said with his husky soothing voice. “Thanks for bringing my sister here.”

            “Sister?” IU’s round eyes widened with surprise as Hong Ki revealed the truth. “So you mean you are the cool Hong Ki oppa Suzy is referring to?! She’s been bragging about how good his brother is when it comes to singing. Now, I finally met you!” she said with such excitement.

            “Uh, yes, I am his brother,” he said the word again. Brother. “My name’s Lee Hong Ki.”

            Suzy’s heart pulsated erratically. She, herself was also astonished when he casually and naturally thanked IU and told her that she is his sister. It was not like him. The normal Lee Hong Ki wouldn’t admit that they are siblings, or that they are related. He even couldn’t tell that word. The word ‘sister’ coming from him is such a foreign word for her that she couldn’t even believe if what she heard was true. It was the first time she heard him addressed her that way. And she doesn’t know if she can regard that as a good thing.

            “Well, I guess I have to go now,” IU told them. “It was nice meting you Hong Ki-ssi,” she said before she bowed to them and walked her way out of the scene. And the feeling became more awkward for her when Ji Eun left. And only silence overwhelmed for what seemed to be the slowest seconds in her life.

            “Are… Are your classes done?” Hong Ki said in a hesitant tone, finally ending the silence. He actually doesn’t know how to face her and treat her. It was like all his lifetime that he disgusted her existence. This scene was far more like an illusion to him; the most impossible thing he would ever do before. But he couldn’t believe he is doing this now.

            Suzy’s grasp on her guitar became tighter as she scanned her brother’s face, searching for some answers that would pacify the questions in her mind. This scene is impossible. It is something that she had never foreseen coming, nor she had thought about. And this made her more fearful; more confused. She has no idea what she would face after this. She just doesn’t know how to handle things anymore.

            “What are you doing here?” she asked after a moment of contemplating, instead of answering his question.

            Hong Ki stared at her with his brown eyes—eyes which couldn’t even take a second longer to look at her before.

            “I want to talk to you,” he answered her simply. And that made her fearful again. What is it that he’s going to tell her? She must have had a trauma still. “Are your classes done?”

            She just nodded as an answer.

            “So, let’s go?” he asked her as he showed where his car is. She stared at it a couple of seconds and she breathed softly yet deeply before she took a step forward towards his car. A step towards the unknown…

________________

            Silence. There is nothing but silence which lingered between Hong Ki and Suzy as they travel the roads of Seoul. And it was an awkward and uneasy silence that surrounded them. Yet, no one seems to know how to overcome that troubling muteness. They just couldn’t find the right words to break the silence.

            From time to time, Hong Ki is glancing silently at Suzy who’s sitting just right next to him. He is weighing what her reactions are but he couldn’t see clearly. Well, he’s not the type who can easily see and feel other’s emotions. He knows he is quite insensitive about other’s feelings. No, he must be very insensitive. In fact, it was like ages that he didn’t bother to care about anyone’s feelings and thoughts. It just doesn’t matter to him all his life. All he cared about is his own feelings—his pain, his sorrow, his hatred, his gloomy and directionless life. After all, it felt like he was all alone all his life that he didn’t bother to connect himself too much in the world outside himself. Because no one seems to care for what he feels inside also. From that time he felt that they all left him, he just stopped caring about how the world would feel.

            Yes, he has friends. For someone like him who closed all his doors from the world, it was an impossibility to gain friends—real friends. But he and FT Island were connected by music. As long as there is music, he knows that they would understand him. Because the lyrics of their songs, the melodies of their music are his unspoken words and feelings he can only express and convey through tunes and rhythms. He and his friends have a different way of understanding each other, but even to them, he must admit, he cannot open all his doors. To Choi Jong Hoon, yes. They have been friends since they were little; since when he was still not the Lee Hong Ki he is now. And Jong Hoon witnessed his transition—on how the naughty and happy Lee Hong Ki turned into the gloomy and cold person he is now. He knows everything.

            But never once in his life that Jong Hoon has persuaded him to bring his old self back. He told him about forgetting and forgiving, but he was too carried away with the mess in his life that he didn’t listen to him. He was filled with so much hatred, of envy and anger. And that hatred; his sorrows and pain were just uncontainable. His mind was bleak, and he couldn’t even think about what forgetting and forgiving really means. But now, here he is, driving his car as his sister is sitting right next to him. Trying to finally face what he’s been running away from, slowly freeing himself from all the hatred and pain he has accumulated and buried deep down his soul.

            Everything that he’s been holding unto all his life, they are slowly melting away from his grasp. His beliefs, his perspective, they are changing. And the change starts from his heart—the heart he never thought to hear again; the heart which was encapsulated and frozen with ice.

            And that’s because of her. Everything just changed when she came into his life and started lecturing him about life. At first, it annoys him. But slowly, she had made him feel the importance of his existence. She was like the ray of sunshine that shone into his heart and slowly melted the ice that encapsulated his heart. She was his sunshine in a cold winter’s night. His catalyst is Park Shin Hye. However, he feared all these changes he is feeling because he knows he is vulnerable. He is afraid to be hurt much more.

“You are too afraid of hurting that’s why you are always running away from all confrontations. But what you don’t understand is that you’re hurting yourself more with what you’re doing. You’re not letting go of the pain, you don’t know how to forgive. You’re keeping everything to yourself when there are people who are ready to share the pain with you. You’re just burying the pain deep into your wounded soul. You’re not healing yourself, Hong Ki, that’s why you’re still suffering!”

            Shin Hye’s face flashed on his mind as her words struck his heart again. Her words stung his heart hard and it bit every part of him, slowly. Because she is right. He is a big coward jerk who masks himself with such coldness and gloominess. Her words made him contemplating. She had made him realize many things. And she had made him want to straighten all his mistakes.

            Once again, he took a glance on the silent Suzy whose eyes are fixed outside the window of his car. And he remembered her pain, her wounded feelings; he remembered the tears in her eyes, her destroyed state, all because of him and his cowardice.

            Maybe it’s time to finally let go… Let go of all the pains and sorrows I’ve kept inside. Maybe it’s time to finally understand what it means and it feels like to forgive and forget, and to be forgiven also…

            It’s time to finally let the small arousing Spring in his my heart end the dark and gloomy Winter that took over inside of him and made him frigid and cold for such a long time.

            “We’re here,” Hong Ki announced as he stopped his car in front of a big and beautiful house. And as if she has just been awaken from her deep contemplation, Suzy turned her head from side to side, almost clueless of what’s happening.

            “This is…” she muttered with eyes rounded with such surprise when she finally realized where they are right now. “Our house…”

            “Yes, the Bae residence,” he affirmed.

            Suzy’s round brown eyes stared up to him, full of questions and wondering. He saw confusion in her eyes.

            “What are we doing here opp—“ Suzy cut her own words, realizing that she would again be calling Hong Ki ‘oppa’. It’s like a natural thing for her, but then she doesn’t know if he would allow her to call him that way. “What are we doing here?” she repeated instead.

            “I…” Hong Ki sighed before he continued his words. “don’t know,” he said as he fixed his gaze upon the big house. “To clear things out, maybe?” he stated softly, not knowing how events would really turn out. Breathing inwardly, he opened the door of the car and vacated it, feeling tension, nervousness, fear and even pain rushed through his heart all at the same time. With that, he doesn’t even know how to distinguish what he feels inside.

            Suzy, on the other hand, had also got herself out of the car and had walked towards his direction.

            “Let’s go. I’ll lead you inside,” she said before she walked towards the main gate and pulled her keys. He followed her quietly.

            Suzy stepped inside the vicinity of the Bae’s huge house when she had already opened the gate. And he followed her still. But before they could even reach the door of the house, Suzy took a step backward and turned herself to face him.

            “Before we step inside, can you please promise me one thing?” Suzy asked her, with such begging in her eyes. He didn’t answer. “I don’t know what you’re up to. I’m too confused right now. But I know mom has been wanting to see you so I’m letting you do this. But please, please don’t hurt her…”

            Hong Ki scanned Suzy carefully. “You really love her that much?” he said, sounding both like a question and a statement.

            “Of course, she’s the best mom ever!” Suzy stated. “And she loves you also, very much…”

            “That’s why I am here,” he finally said after a moment of silence. “Because I want to understand what you are all talking about.”

            And then, he knocked gently on the door.

            “Who’s that?” they both hear not from afar. “Wait up.”

            And in not just a few seconds, the door clicked open, and Mrs. Bae emerged from the door. Her lips were curved into a beautiful smile, but slowly, it vanished as her eyes locked up with him.

            “H-Hong… Hong Ki,” her lips trembled as she spoke of his name, and her eyes began to tear up as she looked up at him with such longing. And Hong Ki didn’t know what to feel. It was the first time he let his eyes met her gaze. And he felt so vulnerable. It seems like his mother’s eyes are speaking to him, calling him, showing him sincere love and affection he didn’t bother to look at before.

            “Hong Ki,” finally, his mom had the courage to envelope him in her arms. And he felt safe. For the first time in his life, he felt home again. It was such a long time that he didn’t let his mom hug him, but never did he think that he would actually feel the yearning for it now that he has already feel his mom’s arms again. He thought he never needed her hug again, but now, he feels like a baby in her arms.

            “I’m sorry… I am so sorry, son…” she sobbed as she hugged him and then looked at him as her hands held his face as if she was assuring herself that he is real.

            A tear fell from his eyes, and he knew that time that all the capsule of ice remaining in his heart already melted.

            “I want to… understand everything,” he finally stated. “…Umma…”

            And from there, his mom broke into tears once more. And she hugged him tighter as if she wouldn’t ever let him go again. And as if his hands move on its own, he felt himself hugging his mom back.

            “Umma,” his mom cried in his shoulder. “I never thought I would hear that word again from you… You made me so happy today, Hong Ki.”

           Umma. He also never thought he would be saying that word again. At first, it was so foreign for him. But later, he felt it was a very natural word. And he didn’t regret saying it again.

            “I am so sorry Hong Ki,” Mrs. Bae said while she is cupping his face. Tears are still streaming down her pretty and ageless face. “I love you and I never wanted to leave you… I felt like dying when I was left with no choice but to leave. I’m sorry…”

            “But why did you leave us still?” he asked, feeling the choking pain inside as he remembered all the struggles he has to go to on his younger age.

            Mrs. Bae wiped her tears as slowly walked away from him and entered the living room of the house. She also invited them to go inside as she seemed to be getting something behind the bookshelves and cabinets. When she went back, she has in hand an old box wrapped in brown papers. It looked like as if it was kept for years.

            “What is that, mom?” Suzy cannot help but ask due to her own curiousness.

            Their mom slowly opened the box and got an old picture out of it. She showed it to them. There were four people in that picture. And he easily recognized the other two—it was his mom and dad on their teenage years. The other guy and girl were unknown to both of them.

            “Your father and I were classmates on our senior high,” Mrs. Bae began narrating some sort of what seemed like a history as she looked straight into Hong Ki’s eyes. “We were friends, best of friends, as I thought so. And just like you, he is part of a band composed of four members. He is the lead vocalist, and this other man right beside me,” she pointed out in the picture an equally good looking man. “Park Dong Ho, is their rhythmic guitarist. This girl beside your father,” again, she pointed out a figure in the picture. “…is their bassist. She’s Kim Eun Hye. She’s a very charming girl; she’s innocent, caring and loving. She’s a girl every guy in the school likes, even your dad, Lee Shin, likes her very much.”

            “But how did you end up with oppa’s dad if he already likes someone?” Suzy asked again out of curiosity.

            “I actually have a secret feeling for Lee Shin but because we are friends, and because I know how much he likes Eun Hye, I set all my feelings aside,” Mrs. Bae continued. “But Dong Ho also likes Eun Hye, and fortunately for him, Eun Hye feels the same for him. So no matter how hard Lee Shin tried to persuade Eun Hye, she still chose Dong Ho. They both went away, and the band was ruined. But more to that, Lee Shin was broken. Having no heart to see him like that, I managed to gather all my courage and tell my feelings for him. We became together, though I know he was just using me to forget Eun Hye. For me, that was more than fine,” their mom continued narrating as the memories flashed freshly in her mind.

            “Years passed and we married each other. And I thought it was the best thing that would happen in my life. When we had you Hong Ki, we were both so delighted. And I thought everything will all be alright. But everything changed when we both heard the news that Eun Hye died after conceiving her child with Dong Ho. It changed him. I thought he had already forgotten her, but he didn’t. From that moment on, he had flings and mistresses. I was very aware of that, and I begged him to stop. But he reasoned out that it was just natural because he is a band vocalist. And slowly, I felt my value as a woman was diminishing. I thought my love for him wouldn’t diminish. I thought I can cope up despite everything but slowly, I found myself getting tired. And that’s when I finally decided to leave.”

            “And when you decided to leave, you also made the choice to leave me?” Hong Ki asked, somehow feeling hurt.

           “No… no…!” Mrs. Bae exclaimed, shaking her head. “That’s not it, Hong Ki. I was about to bring you with me. And I should’ve brought you with me if your father hadn’t only interfered. He took you away from me. He threatened me that I would never get to see you again if I leave but that time; I really felt the need for me to leave. I have to find myself. But I promised myself that I would come back for you.”

            “Me and your father’s story, it was so complicated and tragic,” Mrs. Bae as sadness flashed in her eyes. “Lee Shin still tried to pursue me. He finally told me that I was the one he loves. He realized that with my absence. I thought that was what I only needed to hear from him, but when he told me that, it was over. I didn’t feel the sparks anymore. There was no magic. It was too unfortunate that when he realized that he really loves me, it was too late because I was already tired of loving him. The feeling just vanished away. And when he realized I wasn’t coming back, he brought you to a place I didn’t know, and I entirely didn’t hear anything from you again until he died…”

Tears once again started to invade their mother’s eyes. And once again, she gently wrapped her arms around him as she sobbed painfully in his chest.

            “I am so sorry. It was our fault why you felt alone all your life. It was my fault why you felt you were abandoned. But believe me, Hong Ki, that’s the last thing a mother would do to her son. I never wanted to leave you.”

            He felt his hands automatically moved to give his mother a comforting hug. It’s the least he could do after all the pain and sacrifices this woman has had to go to. It’s the least he could offer to somehow make his mom feel better after all the pains and heartaches he had given her. He didn’t know there was a story behind it all. All he thought is that she left them because she couldn’t take to live a life with a struggling musician. But he thought wrong. Her reason was far more than what he thought it was.

            “I am… I am sorry mom,” he said as he felt his tears finally soaked his cheeks. He felt ashamed and guilty at the same time. “I was so wrong. I’m so sorry… I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you…”

            He heard his mom chuckle a bit as she faced him again. Her fingers down his cheeks to dry his tears.

            “I’m sorry I gave you a very hard time mom,” he mumbled softly.

            Mrs. Bae gave him an understanding smile—a motherly smile he wasn’t able to witness but only now. She patted his shoulders as she looked at him so dearly.

            “Even if you don’t tell me you’re sorry, I would still forgive you. Because you are my son, and I love you so much,” she said with a smile as tears are still falling from her eyes. “I am just so happy now that I was given this chance again to fulfill my duties as a mother to you, Hong Ki. I am so happy.”

            Hong Ki felt everything was so light at that moment. It was like the hole inside him was already filled, and the entire burden he has in his heart—all the pains, the sorrows, the fears—it was all washed away. He felt like the Spring in his heart already bloomed and showered his soul with vitality and renewed his totality. All the darkness he feels, the hatred he had accumulated, were replaced by a feeling he couldn’t really determine.

            He had faced his fear and ended his sorrow. He had ended the darkness and welcomed the light into his heart, finally.

            “By the way, Hong Ki,” Mrs. Bae got herself out of his hug and got something again from the pile of papers and books found in the bookshelves. Then, she handed her a paper. “That’s the title of your father’s rehearsal studio.”

            He blankly looked at the paper he has in hands, and then, he stared at his mom again, completely dumbfounded on what she was telling her.

            “The studio was about to be taken away from you months ago. Your father has a big debt he hadn’t paid before he died and he used the studio as a collateral,” she started to explain.

            “Debt?” he asked, totally out of clue. “I didn’t know about that. I thought you just managed to buy the studio and use it for business purposes. I thought… I thought you want to get rid my father’s legacy to me, and then threaten me to go back to that business school and just forget about music…”

            “No, Hong Ki. It was not like that,” Mrs. Bae contradicted. “Yes, we bought the studio from the creditor, but not for business purposes but for you. I know that it means a lot to you. It’s the only thing your dad has left you. And that studio is rightfully yours.”

            “But I thought…”

            “No, Hong Ki. I wasn’t just able to explain this better to you the last time that you had the wrong impressions,” she said. Then, she pointed out the paper in his hands. “But now, it’s your legitimately.”

            Without warning, Hong Ki hugged his mom eagerly. He felt so happy with what she told him. Now, he wouldn’t need to do extra jobs just to pay his mom and his husband. He thought it was them who were getting that studio away from him. Little did he know that it was them who saved the studio for him… Everything that he thought, they were all wrong. And he was glad he had seen the truth.

            “Thank you, mom,” he said as he kissed his mom on her cheeks. “I thought I was about to lose the studio. This is really so important for me. Thanks for doing this.”

            His mom smiled at him and patted his head as if he was still a little boy.

            “I missed you darling. You don’t know how glad I am right now.”

            I am glad, too. He thought to himself. He didn’t know that facing his fears would make him feel so carefree. And he was glad he listened to the change his heart is beating for. He was glad he listened to Shin Hye.

            Now, all the pain, the sorrows, the hatred and the fears were gone. It was all replaced by pure happiness, of true tranquility and serenity.

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Hey’yo dear readers! Chapter 11 is done! And I’m so happy with the progress… haha^^ are you happy, too? Well, I certainly hope so.

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