Seoul, 2010

 Baekhyun wasn’t like his fellow high school graduates who planned to spend their summer sprawled out beside turquoise pools, lips drenched in soju. Baekhyun couldn’t afford to be that carefree.

Baekhyun’s graduation ceremony was dull. His peers whispered to each other about their exciting summer plans. Baekhyun who had no friends close enough to share his plans with, sat sulking, but tried to feign excitement as he walked across the stage; his mother and Kyungsoo were here afterall.

After the ceremony ended, his classmates posed for pictures and went out to eat with their families. Baekhyun, on the other hand, squeezed into his car and drove to the hospital. When he reached a particularly long red light, his eyes shifted to the city’s pavements. He imagined his  family walking through the streets. His father stood tall and handsome, an arm laced around his mother’s waist, while Kyungsoo and he, in his white cap and gown trailed behind with smiles plastered on their faces. Smiles so bright that they put the sun to shame.

It would have been so lovely to go out into the city with his family, like his colleagues were doing but Baekhyun wasn’t like his colleagues. When the light turned green, Baekhyun’s grip on the steering wheel tightened.
    Although his mother had offered to take him and Kyungsoo to a nice Sushi place in Myeongdong, Baekhyun decided to visit his father instead. His mother and Kyungsoo would always be around to have dinner with, his father unfortunately was not blessed with the gift of time. It had been nearly 7 years since Seung Jo (Baekhyun’s dad in case you forgot) had been diagnosed with lung cancer, and in those seven years, Eun Mae (Baekhyun’s mother) had only visited Seung Jo twice.

When Baekhyun arrived at the hospital and parked the car, he thought of the night he found out that his Dad had cancer. Before the phonecall from the hospital came, he was sitting on the kitchen counter, thinking of ways to make his mother and father fall in love again.

The last 7 years seem to have flown by and it seemed that the harder he tried to have his mother join him on hospital visits, the more she resisted. It had seemed Eun Mae’s heart had hardened. While she wept for Seung Jo, she could never bring herself to forgive him. Sometimes, Baekhyun thought she was just scared to lose him again. He never fullt understood what happened between them.

    As he walked through the familiar hallways of the hospital; he glanced at his reflection on the glass doors: oversized white cap and gown that went down to his ankles. Nurses and doctors bowed and congratulated him on his graduation as he walked past them. But when he looked at his relfection; he saw a little boy playing dress-up. He saw a scared boy, pretending to fit into the adult world. A jigsaw piece jammed into the wrong puzzle. Baekhyun sighed, took the cap off his head and averted his eyes from his reflection.

    When he entered his father’s room, Seung Jo clapped with joy.

“ConGRADulations Baek”

Baekhyun grinned, “Thanks Dad.”
“Well c’mon do a little spin for me and put that cap back on!”
    Baekhyun rolled his eyes, reluctantly returned the cap on his head and spun around for his father anyway. Seung Jo wasn’t the man he once was. His arms had been stabbed by countless needles, his hair had fallen because of the chemotherapy, and the lifeless skin around his eyes sagged, giving him the appearance of a much older man.

“I’m going to regret asking this but did your mom come?”
    Baekhyun shook his head, amazed that his father even had a speck of hope left after so much disappointment.    

Seung Jo pulled his lips into a solemn smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, “Always a busy bee that one eh?”

Baekhyun took off his cap, and took a seat on a sofa next to the bed, “Yeah.”
“I suppose I deserve it.”

Baekhyun exhaled, “No you don’t. Don’t worry about her, she’ll come around. Tell how you’re doing? How have you been?”

“If you want the truth, I’m in a lot of pain. Every inch of my body hurts. But when I see you, I feel a tiny bit better.”

A smile fluttered to Baekhyun’s lips, as he wrapped his fingers around his fathers’ bony hands.
“I’m really glad to hear that.”

Seung Jo smiled, and squeezed his son’s hands with the tiny bit out of strength he could muster. “Baekhyun...I need to talk to you about something. But I don’t wanna do it here.”
“Then where?”

“Get my doctor to let me go for a few hours. I want to show you something.”

Baekhyun tilted his head in confusion, but did as he was told.

*

It was odd seeing his Dad in the passenger seat of his car. It was even more odd seeing his Dad bob his head to the tunes of Girls Generation, but Baekhyun just laughed and bobbed his head along with the rhythm too.
“So where do you want us to go?”

“Just follow my directions, it’s a surprise.”

*

“Isn’t this the street that leads to the daisy fields?” said Baekhyun, as he turned right onto a long, winding road.

“You know about the daisy fields?” asked Seung Jo.

“Yeah, Mom took me and Kyungsoo there when we were kids.”

Seung Jo’s eyes widened. “She did?”

“Yeah, the first time she took us was after I fell into the ditch in the forest.”

“Wow” exhaled Seung Jo, eyes sparkling.

Baekhyun looked at him in confusion. “How do you know about this place?”

Smirking, Seung Jo replied, “Oh boy you’re in for a story.”

Baekhyun parked his car where the path ended and the daisy fields began. He helped his Father out and they sat together on the hood of the car. The sky was crimson, with light pink and orange hues. In the pale gold beam of the sun, Seung Jo’s skin glowed just like it had when it was younger. Baekhyun smiled at him, before looking out at the mesmerizing, bright yellow daisies swaying in the soft breeze.

---

“Eun Mae and I met in high school. Your mother was much different back then. She wore glasses, barely spoke. I was part of a different crowd. I was the soccer team’s captain at my high school and smoked a pack a day. Virtually everyone in the school knew my name. I’d walk around the hallways, my team members behind me and people flocked to us. Y’know how girls are with guys who play sports…I’m glad in many ways that you and Kyungsoo did not grow up to be like your Dad.

    I was self-centered, and selfish. Your mom was the opposite. Once I lost a bet to my teammates and as a punishment, they said I would have to ask out the ugliest girl in our school and take her out on a date as a joke and then ditch her.”

Baekhyun gasped in disgust. “That’s-”

“Pathetic, I know” sighed Seung Jo. “We were all very stupid, and some of those probably still are...but to continue, one of my team mates suggested your mother should be the girl I ask. To be frank with you, I’d never heard the name Eun Mae before, so I remember the moment I saw her for the first time vividly. She was walking past me in the hallway. Her small eyes were pinned to the ground and she gripped on to her books like she was holding on to her life. I don’t think I fell in love with her then, but I will say I didn’t think she was ugly, not in any shape or form. And so, I decided to work my charm. I figured out her schedule and tried to catch her attention, but her eyes were always locked on the floor. One day as she was at her lockerl, I called out her name:

“What?” she asked, confusion in her eyes.
“I-um. Let’s go out” I said, flicking my hair out of my eyes with a hair-flip.

“Excuse me? I don’t even know you and you smell like you smoke way too much.”

“Byun Seung Jo, captain of the soccer team?”

“Oh” she sighed, unimpressed as she slammed her locker shut.

“So what do you say. I’ll pick you up at 9?”

She bit her lip, and finally looked up from the ground, “Okay.”

My heart missed a beat when she looked up at me like that.  And so, we went on that date. And instead of ditching her, I stayed the whole time and made sure she got home safely.”

Baekhyun grinned, “That’s quite cute.”

“It is isn’t?” replied Seung Jo, smiling and looked out at the daisies. The sun was setting now. “The story isn’t all butterflies and rainbows though. My teammates were angry I didn’t follow through with my bet and thought me dating Eun Mae was social suicide.  They were so close-minded. They judged Eun Mae because she was quiet and did not put as much effort into her appearance as other girls. They judged me for choosing her over the many glamourous girls that liked me at school. After 2 weeks of my relationship with Eun Mae blooming, they told her I asked her out as a bet and everything was a joke.”

Baekhyun gasped again, “Then what happened?!”

Seung Jo smirked, “Your mom got mad. And we both know what she’s like when she’s mad. She didn’t talked to me for weeks, until I showed up at her door with a bouquet of daisies, and begged her to talk to me. I  pulled her into my car and guess where I drove her?”

Baekhyun tilted his head in thought, until his eyes widened with enlightenment, “Here?!”

Seung Jo nodded. “I brought her here. And I parked right here too. I explained that I genuinely liked her, and that those guys were jerks...I told her that she made me want to be a better person. It took some conversations, but we figured it out. We took a long walk through the fields, her fingers tangled in mine….When the night fell, we went back into my car and started telling each other our deepest insecurities. Can you guess what your mothers’ was?”

Baekhyun shrugged.

“Her eyes. She always felt self-conscious of their size, even though they were perfect the way they were. And so guess what I whipped out of my pocket: eyeliner.”

Seung Jo’s son smiled, “You wore eyeliner?”

“A little, I was secretly into that 90s grunge look. Technically it was my sister’s but I stole it from her vanity. You know I pretty much looked exactly like you-”

“Wait a second! Is this the eyeliner?” asked Baekhyun, pulling an eyepencil out of his own pocket, which he kept in case he needed to a touch up before graduation.

Seung Jo, “Yes! Wow, how did you?”

“She kept it, Dad….all this time and she kept it” exhaled Baekhyun, a smile stretching acorss his lips.

“Wow...she was so happy when I gave it to her. Thinking back I should have gotten her a new one” Seung Jo chuckled.

“Then what happened?”

Seung Jo smirked, and averted his gaze. “You were conceived.”

Baekhyun coughed out of discomfort, and soothed his throat by massaging his che

st. “I was um what?”

Seung Jo smiled, patted Baekhyun on the back, “We did what two people do when they’re in love, Baekhyun. Surely, your mom has had the talk with you?”

“Of course!” Baekhyun groaned, “This is so awkward.”

Seung Jo chuckled, “Hey it’s life. Speaking of which, you got a girlfriend yet?”

“Um, to be honest, I have never had those type of desires.”

Seung Jo’s face scrunched up in confusion. “You sure are unique my son.”

“So I’m told” said Baekhyun smiling, “Continue your story Dad.”

“Oh yes, so your mother and I made love here. We were young, stupid, it was both of our first times and we didn’t use protection.”

“So I was a mistake?”

“In retrospect, you were more like a happy accident” said Seung Jo. “When your mom found out she was pregnant, her parents kicked her out the house. With no one to turn to, she came to live with my family. My parents were pretty much as cruel as hers. They blamed her entirely for bringing shame on our family and told her once the baby was born that she would have to leave.”

Baekhyun’s heart sunk.  

“Your grandparents were cruel but I was no better. They didn’t want me to be with her, she didn’t come from a rich family. Slowly she and I drifted apart even though we lived in the same house. When her pregnancy started to show on her body,  Eun Mae dropped out of school. She was a really smart girl so naturally her counselor demanded to know why but Eun Mae walked out of that high school in silence. Rumors had already begun. Rumors that she’d slept with a teacher, rumors that she’d cheated on me and was a sleaze. Not once did I get judged in the same way. Even my friends joked she got herself pregnant so she could get married to me. And in my stupidity, I never corrected those rumors.  See I ended up getting a scholarship to play soccer at Seoul University, which is a pretty big honor. But if anyone knew about my situation, it would get taken away in a snap.”

“Dad you didn’t-”

“I did” exhaled Seung Jo as he looked at his now frail fingers. “Once you were born, I accused her of cheating on me and refused to be your father and her husband.”

Baekhyun felt acid rising in his throat. His own father didn’t want him?

Seung Jo’s eyes watered. “She cried and begged me not to leave her. I knew in my heart she was telling the truth, but I was selfish. I wanted to be a soccer star at SU. I wanted the carefree life of an 18 year old boy. I didn’t want to be married, much less a dad. My parents supported me and told her to leave-”

“How could you do that?!” yelled Baekhyun, tears welling  up in his own eyes.

Seung Jo pursed his lips to stop himself from sobbing. “That is and will always be the biggest mistake of my life.”

“All this time, I thought you and Mom had just separated or I don’t know...but you left her hanging like that?” Baekhyun’s heart raced faster and faster and he ran into the fields.

“Baekhyun wait!” shouted his Dad.

Ignoring Seung Jo, he ran through the sea of yellow. Sunlight had dimmed and darkness would soon sweep over the land. Seung Jo attempted to stand up from the hood of the car but being the frail and weak man he’s become, he collapsed on the ground.

When Baekhyun heard a thud, his head snapped and he sprinted back. “Dad!” he shouted, as Seung Jo lay on the ground. Baekhyun knelt down next to his father  and tried to bolster him to an upright position. Seung Jo wheezed and coughed, his lungs were slowly giving up on him.

“Dad, you’re supposed to be more careful!”

Seung Jo smiled, and took his son’s hands. “I am so sorry, Baek. Even if I spent the rest of my life apologizing, I’d never be able to make it up to you, Eun Mae or Kyungsoo.”

Baekhyun sighed, and squeezed his father’s hands, his heart sank with every shallow breath his father took. “Let’s get you off the ground.”

“No, let’s stay here for a bit, I love laying under the stars and this might be my last time to-”

“Stop, please” Baekhyun gulped, tears accumulating in his eyes.

Seung Jo dragged his bony thumb across Baekhyun’s hands to comfort his son. “I’m sorry“. Sighing, Seung Jo’s looked up at the sky, now a mosaic of dark purple and blue slowly melting into a pool of black. His eyes glistened like the stars that would soon appear in the atmosphere.  

Baekhyun smiled at the sheer wonder blooming in his father’s eyes. “You really like stars huh?”

“I do. They remind me of your Mom. She really liked looking up at them” replied Seung Jo, eyes unmoving from the sky. “Speaking of which, I didn’t even finish my story.”

“Yeah you didn’t” said Baekhyun, his stomach still in knots over what his mother had endured.

“So when your mother left my family’s house. I fell into a deep depression. I started smoking a whole lot more. Things got better when classes started at SU. I was the university’s soccer star, so you can only imagine the kinds of parties I went to, and the kind of girls I met. I felt like immersing myself in the fast life would help me forget what I had done but the guilt gnawed at me. Eun Mae didn’t even hold my selfishness against me and tried to reach out to me by writing letters. She told me she named you Byun Baekhyun, and wanted me to come see you but I always refused, fearful of my scholarship, fearful of missing out on the exciting life of a young man. Eventually the guilt got to me, and I went to her apartment. It was small, and in a poor neighborhood. Eun Mae was on her own in the world. When I saw her, emotions took over and we started kissing and...that night Kyungsoo was conceived.”

“Dad” exhaled Baekhyun.

“I know. I was - we both  were just in the heat of the moment. Unfortunately when it was over, I didn’t stay-”

“Dad, how could you?” exclaimed Baekhyun.

Seung Jo sighed. “Now you see why your mom does not want to see me. I’m surprised she never told you about what I did.”

“She always shuts down every conversation about you.”

The last morsel of hope that lingered in Seung Jo’s eyes vanished. “I can’t blame her and I can’t blame you if you hate me. I had to tell you this story because well, the doctor had some bad news for me yesterday.”

“What was it?” asked Baekhyun, his was already shattered in more ways than one.

“The chemotherapy was unsuccessful, the cancer has spread to other parts of my body. My days are numbered. It’s matter of months now. Soon I’ll be on life support.”

His father’s words pierced him like sharp arrows. “Dad, I-”

“I bought you here because I need you to do one last thing for me.”

Unable to hold back his tears, Baekhyun sobbed into his sleeve. “What?”

“I need you to pull the plug on me when the time comes.”

Baekhyun stood up, and kicked his car in anger. “What?!”

“I don’t want to live as a vegetable on life support Baek. Look how weak I’ve become, I’m not really living. I abandoned the woman I love and my own kids. It’s my time to return to the stars.”

“You’re asking me to murder you. How can you do that Dad?! How can you, after how hard we’ve fought this cancer.” said Baekhyun with a tone intended to sting.

Seung Jo closed his eyes, “I’m in a lot of pain, my lungs can’t keep up with my heart. Please just grant this one last wish.” His voice no longer had any life in it.

Angry tears rolled down Baekhyun’s cheek, as he wrapped his arms around his dying father. “I just wanted us to be a real family. That’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted you and Mom together.”

Seung Jo’s eyes grew wet with tears as he planted a long kiss on his son’s forehead. He wanted to apologize, but knew a “sorry” could not undo the damage he had caused.  

Under the stars, the father and son wept together till dawn, Baekhyun had no idea how he would bring himself to fulfill his dad’s wish but he knew in his heart that he had to.