Seoul 2000

If there was one thing  Do Eun Mae could pride herself on, it was appearance. Her date hadn’t arrived yet, so she batted her lined eyes in her pink pocket mirror, and glided a hand down her frame to smoothen the scarlet dress hugging her body.

“You must be Eun Mae.”

He stood at the head of the table. Five foot three, unswept black hair, with beady, wandering eyes. Guess he’d have to do for today.

“And you must be charmed.”

*

He was a politician. It was difficult not to yawn during his long harangues about what the government was doing wrong. He also claimed to have millions in his bank account but Eun Mae didn’t really care about excessive wealth unless it involved rich characters or minds.

She’d met these kinds of men before—selfish, bored s that wanted a bit of spice in their life.

“What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a waitress. Occasional cashier.”

“Oh.”     

She was used to getting “Ohs”. The ones that sounded just a little too high-pitched. The ones that were just a little too abrupt.

            It didn’t affect her anymore, not really. As a 26 year old woman, who’d never been married and had two children, well she knew exactly how people saw her.

            As the man opened his mouth to question her further, her phone rang in her black sequined purse.

“Would you excuse me?” The man nodded in compliance.  “Hello?”

“Baek’s lost” Ms. Kim’s voice was as erratic as a cardiac monitor.

“What do you mean lost!?”

“When I got to your house, I found Kyungsoo in tears because he couldn’t find Baekhyun-”
“WHAT?!”

“It looks like he ran into the forest from the back fence.”

Eun Mae had never had a heart attack before, but for a brief moment she swore she had one. It felt like her heart was going to pound open her ribcage, tear the flesh from her chest and beat right out of her, along with a gushing, waterfall of blood.

“I’m coming home right now. Call the police.”
Eun Mae didn’t bother saying goodbye to Mr. Politician as she immediately fled from the table. Hopefully all his talk about riches would help him with the restaurant’s tab.

. . . is all that went through her mind as she ran through Seoul’s streets towards her little red car.

            Just as she was about to scramble inside, she bumped into someone and was met by the familiar tangy taste of cigarette smoke which propelled her into an eerie state of nostalgia. Suddenly memories of kissing in the backs of cars, of stray black lashes on red cheeks, of skin on skin under white moonlight, of countless sticks of eye liner reduced to nothing, flooded her entire being.

She regained her balance by holding on to the car’s handle but the other person fell onto the black asphalt that was still slightly damp from summer rain. He was about five foot 6, with straight brown hair hiding his eyes. The cigarette that had previously been tucked between his fingers, now lay half-extinguished next to him as bright orange sparks turned the tobacco into black ash.

 “Eun Mae?”

The man looked up at her from the ground. It had been seven long years since she last saw him.

 Byun Seung Jo.

 It was hard to forget a face like his. Smooth skin, a delicate nose, and sharp contoured eyes. Baekhyun’s face. Looking at his face knocked her back even further to that blasted high school hall way where his eyes met hers amidst a crowd of rowdy teenagers.  

“S-seung Jo?”

“What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing. I have to go.”

“No what is it?” he asked, pushing himself up and flinging pieces of dirt off his black threadbare sweater.

“Baekhyun’s…missing”

“Our Baekhyun?”

“No, my Baekhyun.”

Eun Mae slammed the car door and pounded her foot on the acceleration pedal. She panted and swung the steering wheel left and right, determined not to give life to memories that had long been buried.

            When she arrived home, she leapt to the backyard and ended up tearing her dress, creating a large slit up her thigh.

            On any other day she would have been livid, but if there was any way she could have Baekhyun safe and happy in her arms, she’d have ripped tens and thousands of dresses. Black ones with pearl beading, White ones with crimson lace. Golden ones with silver linings-

            “He’s in the forest. Police are on their way.”

Before Ms. Kim could finish, Eun Mae ran, flinging off her stilettos and sprinting through the fence and into the emerald forest.  Her eyes darted in every direction and she completely disregarded the rough earth gnawing at the bare skin of her feet. She deserved every type of pain imaginable for leaving her boys alone that day.

“Baekhyun!”

She shouted, shattering the red bracelets on her wrist and ripping the string of fake pearls strangling her neck.

“Baekhyun! Where are you?!”

After running deeper into the woods, she saw it; a little black square behind the overlap of a green bush. She stopped dead in her tracks before tip-toeing towards it. Only the sound of leaves crumbling under her footsteps echoed through the forest.

And there he was. A little boy sprawled in a pool of crimson and black, dark hair creating charcoal shadows over his eyes.

Eun Mae nearly fell into the pitch black hole herself.

*

The walls of the hospital were a sick, jaundice color and Eun Mae couldn’t help but feel morsels of acid darting up .

Screw up. She was a complete screw up. And Baekhyun was being punished for it. She had almost fainted in the ambulance-there was so much blood, and it splattered on her once-glamorous dress and turned into a crumbling brown stain as a reminder of this terrible day.

            She hated being here. Her cropped hair looked like a crow’s nest and her eye liner had bled black teardrops down her cheeks. What a fool, she lamented, looking at her reflection in the glass door in front of her. She was sitting on a rather stiff, white bench and as nurses walked past her, their eyes ran judgingly along the rather exposed skin of her thigh, thanks to the rip in her dress. She didn’t give a damn though, not really.

“Do Eun Mae!” A nurse called from behind the reception desk. She wore sun- yellow scrubs, and a cascade of cocoa curls framed her kind face. The name on her tag was: Im Yoona.

“The doctor will see you now.”

“Thank you.”

*

Dr. Choi Siwon was engraved in chestnut letters on the white door. As Eun Mae entered, her eyes widened at the sheer number of certificates, awards, hand-made drawings, and photographs that hung on the coffee-colored walls of the office. The doctor’s desk was equally as messy- the entire surface scattered with white folders, and navy pens.

            The office seemed neat enough though, Eun Mae decided after shaking hands with the strikingly handsome doctor. His handshake was sturdy, and his balanced features and tall frame gave him the aura of a dependable and sensible person, the type of man Eun Mae had yet to meet.

It was the probably worst time to worry about the state of her hair, but Eun Mae couldn’t help but comb her fingers through it, at least a little bit.

“Nice to meet you Mrs. Do”

“It’s Miss.”

“Oh”

She was used to getting “Ohs” but his was different for it contained no understated malice.

“Nice to meet you too Doctor.”

“Thank you. Anyway, Ms. Do-”

“Please call me Eun Mae.”

“Okay, Eun Mae I have good and bad news about your son.”

 Her chest heaved up and down with each palpitation, “Okay.”

“He’s uh…fine physically. He sustained some cuts and bruises so while there was minor bleeding but there was no permanent damage. He twisted his ankle, but a few weeks in a cast and he’ll be just fine.”

“Please tell me that was the bad news.”

Dr. Choi bit his lip and laced his fingers together.

“I’m afraid that was the good news. The bad news is that your son had a severe panic attack. Now as we already discussed, the physical ramifications like surface wounds and muscle fatigue will heal relatively quickly. The heart, however, will take a little longer.”

Eun Mae gulped, and subconsciously chewed her fingernails. “What does that mean?”

“It means that – and we can’t be sure right now- your son may have some sort of panic attack or seizure triggered by an intense emotional response when faced with enclosed spaces in the future.”

“Enclosed spaces?”

“Yes, like elevators, closets,…See Ms. Do, I mean Eun Mae, when a child suffers this sort of trauma then it stays with them. Years may pass, and they may have come to terms with their fears but the subconscious never forgets. Children tend to personify their fears, for instance a dark shadow in a child’s room at may look like an evil witch in their minds. It’s likely that Baekhyun personified the walls he was in.”

“Sorry I don’t understand-”

“Your son has a very high chance of developing a severe case of claustrophobia due to the severity of his panic attack and duration of time in that dark hole.”

“I…”

Tears rolled down Eun Mae’s face, and didn’t cease until Dr. Choi dabbed a tissue on her cheeks.

“Would you like some coffee Ms. Do? I need to ask you a few more questions before I let you see Baekhyun. Is that okay?” His voice was soft and Eun Mae suddenly felt like a warm blanket had been placed over her frozen shoulders.

“Yes.”

After some sobbing, Eun Mae wiped the remaining tears and held on closely to a steaming mug of French vanilla in her hands that Dr.Choi had given her.

‘Okay so about Baekhyun’s dad-”

“He doesn’t have one.”

“I’m sorry?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Divorce? I just need to fill out some forms.”

“He’s-uh. He’s not part of our lives.”

“Is he your husband?”

“No…”

“Boyfriend? I’m sorry but I need to now.”

“He-uh…He-got-me-pregnant-in-high-school-then-ran-off.”

“Oh”

She was used to getting “Ohs” but this was one was baritone, and held empathy and understanding in its projection.

“Yep.”

“One more thing, has Baekhyun by any chance faced any sort of trauma in the past? Family member death? Or something of that sort?”

“No” Eun Mae told herself she wasn’t lying. The fact that Baekhyun wanted to know his father couldn’t be classified as trauma right? But could the crying and pleading at 3AM really be considered as trauma?

“Okay well that’s it for today. Baekhyun’s on a sedative right now. He needs rest, but you can visit him. Im Yoona-ssi will lead you.”

Eun Mae stood to bow and thanked him for the coffee.

“You’re welcome. And Miss Do-”

“Eun Mae”

“Yes, sorry Eun Mae, if it’s any consolation. I understand how hard it is to be a single parent.” He pointed to a framed, photograph hidden by a pencil holder. It was of a little girl who had thin, reliable lips and straight, sand-colored hair adorned with a daisy.

“This is my niece – Taeyeon. My sister and her husband passed away in a car crash and I was the only one left to take care of her…What I’m trying to say Eun Mae, is try not to be so hard on yourself about what happened to Baekhyun. We’re only human after-all.”

            Eun Mae appreciated the doctor’s kindness but couldn’t help feel that the pretty, little girl in the photograph was much better off than her own son.

*

As she left the office, she saw him. The man who left. The man who she was never important enough for. The man who shared the same face as her eldest son.

The memories beagn to drown her again but she dispelled them as she wafted the smell of the cigarette smoke away with her hand. Anger healed the wound that bled nostalgia.

“What the are you doing here?!” Eun Mae snarled.

“Calm down-”

“No I’m not going to calm down until you leave!” Eun Mae pointed her finger to the exist, and resisted the urge to kick him in the shins.

“Eun Mae-”

“How dare you. How dare you come back!”

“Look, can I just know if Baekhyun is okay?”

“How did you know he was here?”

“I…I followed you.”

“Followed me? Have you been stalking-”

“No!” His voice dropped to a vicious whisper, “’s sake, today was my first time seeing you in seven years, I just wanted to know if Baek was okay.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s my son dammnit.”

“He stopped being your son when you left. Or have you forgotten?”

“Look, if I could go back in time and change that I would but I can’t-”

“Exactly. Now please just leave us alone-”

“No, I can’t just leave you alone. I-look, I know I’m a huge -up. I’m not asking you to forgive me, or love me, but please let me be apart of our children’s lives-”

“What in the world thinks I’d let you do that? You've already betrayed me twice.”

            Seung Jo pursed his lips, and looked at her eyes, except that he wasn’t really looking into them, his gaze seemed to tear apart her exterior and scrutinize her inner soul, find that one memory of that bustling high school hallway where his eyes met hers and bring it to life again.

“Because Eun Mae, whether you like it or not, Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are my sons too…When the paramedics were –uh taking Baekhyun into the hospital and I saw his face I-uh wow…he looks exactly like me, doesn’t he?”

            Eun Mae sighed, and averted her gaze. “I wouldn’t say ‘exactly’”

 Seung Jo exhaled and slid his hands into his pockets. “I know I shouldn’t say this right now, but you’re still so beautiful…your eyes, you're wearing that eye liner I-”

“Don’t.” Eun Mae said, lifting her eyes to meet his. “Just don’t.”

            Seung Jo nodded his head, and took a small step backwards. “So what are we going to do about this?”

“About what?”

“About me being a part of their lives? I landed a job at Seoul’s farmers market today, and I’m moving into a little apartment soon…I don’t plan on going anywhere Eun Mae. They need a dad, and you don’t deserve to do this alone. Maybe if I’d been a better person, Baekhyun wouldn’t even be in his hospital today. Please promise me you won’t do this alone.”

            Eun Mae sighed, and glided a hand down to smoothen the scarlet dress hugging her body. “The only promise I’ll make to you is that I will never forgive you. No matter how many times you beg, no matter how many times you say sorry.”

            Seung Jo hung his head, but kept his eyes raised, “Does this mean you’ll let me be their father?”

“I never stopped you from being their father Seung Jo. You’re the one who severed the ties." Eun Mae sighed because some hearts were too broken to ever be healed.

*

            After Seung Jo left the hospital, Eun Mae’s heart felt like a pile of cobblestones in her chest. As Nurse Yoona led her into Baekhyun’s room, she collapsed into the chair next to his bed. He was dressed in a sky-blue hospital gown, and there was a white cast covering his left ankle. He looked so innocent in his slumber, and yet so out of place. A precious little boy like him wasn’t supposed to be trapped in a white-washed hospital room, attached to a cardiac monitor and other intimidating machines Eun Mae chose not to look at.

            As her eyes swept over his face, tears ran down leaving trails of moist beads on her cheeks.

            “I’m sorry Baek…I’m so sorry…” She kissed the inner portion of his wrist and leaned her forehead against it. “I promise that from now on, I’m going to stop acting like a child. I’m going to look after you properly. I’m not going to let you out of my sight. I’m not going to let anyone or anything hurt you ever again…ever Baek. You deserve every single ounce of love in this world, and I’m going to give that to you. I’ll love you so much just please get better for mommy?”

            She cried and cried, whispering “sorry” into his wrist repeatedly. When she left the hospital, her lips pulled into a perpetual snare of sadness as if nothing could ever make her happy again.

*

*

“ Wake up sleepyhead!” shouted Jongin, lightly slapping his hyung’s face.

“What the- why aren’t you in class?” groaned Baekhyun, the weariness of sleep still lingering in his muscles.

“’Cause I don’t feel like it.”

“Then why the hell are you waking me up?”

“Because I finally know how I’m going to confess to Kyungsoo!”

“Honestly, I couldn’t care less right now.” Baekhyun sighed, and used his hip to push Jongin off the bed. He buried his face into his pillow and relished the warmth of his bed sheets.

“No, but I need help.”
“Kim Jongin, another word and-”

“Please hyung.”

Baekhyun eventually complied, but only after he growled and slammed a pillow into Jongin’s chest, knocking the younger boy into a fit of laughter.

“You always pull through for me Baek.”

*

After taking a cold shower, and pulling on a fresh pair of jeans and striped shirt, Baekhyun strolled into the kitchen.

 “Okay what’s your grand plan?”

             “Here, eat some breakfast first” said Jongin, drowning two slightly burnt pancakes in maple syrup and placing them in front of his hyung.

            Baekhyun grimaced but stuck his fork in the delectable breakfast anyway. With his mouth full of sugary sweetness, he urged Jongin to tell him why he’d been awoken so early.

“Okay, so I got a text late last night from Suho inviting me to become a part of the Winter Ball committee and I was-”

“The Winter Ball committee? Really Jongin?” Baekhyun rolled his eyes, and made a gagging sound which wasn’t entirely the fault of the pancakes, (although it might as well have been ‘cause man were they atrocious.)

            “Hear me out okay? So, this year Dr. Chen and Xiumin are the supervisors and Kyungsoo is going to be a part of the committee.” 

            “And?”

“And, they still need a few more people. So I volunteered us. The first meeting is in half an hour.”

Baekhyun choked on his pancake then pushed a fist into his chest. “Okay, here’s what I don’t get. Why the hell did you volunteer me of all people? I have the internship, and school to balance not to mention-”

“Besides alcohol, you’re the one  person who can make me feel less nervous around Kyungsoo.”

“C’mon get a grip on yourself. What about Luhan and Sehun?”
“Are you kidding hyung? They create a lot of the anxiety, besides they’re already on the committee anyway.”

“Jongin, look I really don’t have time for silly things like planning a Winter Ball.”

            Jongin folded his arms and leaned against the kitchen counter, holding a piece of jam toast in front of his mouth as he if was contemplating on actually taking a bite.

“You won’t actually have to do anything y’know? The supervisors do most of the work anyway…and besides, maybe you’ll have a date this year.”

            Baekhyun nearly choked again but instead took a rather long sip of his orange juice which tasted rather gross because of the remnants of syrup in his mouth. 

“A date?”

            “Yeah…you know who I’m talking about.” Jongin opened his mouth and sank his teeth into the toast, the sound of wheat crackling filled the room.

            “No you’re going to have to enlighten me.”

The younger boy rolled his eyes, “Park Chanyeol.”

            Baekhyun expressed his disagreement by narrowing his eyes, “Most definitely not.”

“Ah c’mon. He’d be a great date. I’m sure if you had a date, being on the committee wouldn’t be that bad.”

“What the hell makes you think I’m going to join the committee.”

“’Cause maybe some good will come out of it.”

Baekhyun scoffed, “Like what?”

“Like making amends with your brother...and then maybe your mother.?”  

“There aren’t any amends to make. We’re fine, Jongin.” Baekhyun blinked, and Jongin knew he should stop but he couldn’t keep it inside any longer.

“You’re not fine. You need to stop lying to yourself hyung…Do you have any idea how much Kyungsoo misses you? How upset he is about everything that happened?”

“What happened between Kyungsoo and me is none of your business-”

“It is when he’s not happy.”

“I’ll tell you one last time because you’re my friend. It’s. None. Of. Your. Business.”

            Jongin folded his arms but zipped his mouth shut. There was no point trying to fight against quick sand, it was easier to just give up and sink.

            “Okay, then what about Park Chanyeol?”

“What about him?” snapped Baekhyun, still slightly flustered over  Jongin’s previous comments.

“Do I have permission to say you guys would look cute together at the Ball?”

            Suddenly the image of dancing with Chanyeol on a multicolored dance floor flashed through Baekhyun’s mind. The worst part wasn’t the fact that Chanyeol danced like a spider on a frying pan, or that Baekhyun lacked grace and coordination himself, it was the fact that his heart leapt at the wild prospect of ever being Park Chanyeol’s date.

“Define ‘cute’”

            Jongin chuckled, and scarped down the rest of his toast. “Do Kyungsoo.”

*

            The committee meeting would have been boring if Baekhyun had bothered paying attention but his mind kept replaying the image of dancing with Chanyeol. Slowly the images became more elaborate and Baekhyun could almost feel Chanyeol’s hands ghosting over his waist…It was strange for Baekhyun to have thoughts like these, thoughts of touching and smiling and dancing.

            Dr. Chen led the meeting and Xiumin occasionally pitched in. Sehun and Luhan played rock paper scissors underneath the table. Jongin and Kyungsoo looked vaguely interested, but Suho vigorously took notes and participated in the discussion. There was another person and Baekhyun recognized her from the photograph in Chanyeol’s Japanese tea room: Kim Taeyeon.

            She was rather timid looking, with her sand-colored cropped hair and a tiny frame. A large beige sweater draped her torso, and seemed to blend in with the brownish blonde walls of the office. She didn’t talk much during the meeting, but occasionally took notes and if he wasn’t mistaken, stole glances at him. He pretended he didn’t notice. Baekhyun was good at that, pretending not to feel things, manipulating emotions.

            It was weird to think that she was close to Park Chanyeol. Surely she would have been more well-known if she meant that much to him? Or perhaps she didn’t want the lime light of being the friend of a world famous scientist. She didn’t seem the type to care for worthless attention. Regardless, Baekhyun couldn’t help but envy her a little. Chanyeol seemed to revere her a lot.

She wasn’t very well-known around the campus. She ate alone, studied alone. The only reason Baekhyun knew of her was because she was the niece of his former doctor and gave him a tour of the campus during his freshman orientation. She was a noona, but not by very much. No, not by very much at all.

*

            When the committee meeting was done, Jongin and Baekhyun decided to drop by the university’s coffeehouse for lunch.

“So how was it?” asked the younger boy.

“Waste of time. You hardly talked to Kyungsoo.”
“It’s all timing, hyung. You’ll see.”

“Yeah..I doubt it.”

“What do you doubt?”

“That you’ll get the guts to ask Kyungsoo to the Ball.”

“And what do you know about guts.”

“I know that if I were you, I’d have asked him by now.”

“Okay Mr. Bigshot, how about a deal, if you ask Chanyeol to the Winter Ball then I promise I’ll ask Kyungsoo.”

            Baekhyun felt his throat closing in again. “What the-? No! I don’t like Chanyeol like that. I don’t like anyone that.”

“Too bad. A promise is a promise.” Jongin smirked, and chugged down more than half of his strawberry smoothie.

“You know this means Kyungsoo won’t be your date right? I have no intentions of asking Park Chanyeol to a measly university’s ball. He’d probably fire me from the internship!”

            Jongin rolled his eyes, and patted Baekhyun’s head.

“You always pull through for me Baek. Always.”  

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________