"look at the stars/ look how they shine for you/ and everything you do/ yeah they were all yellow"~ coldplay

             seoul 2000

            Baekhyun changed once he got home from the hospital, his ankle and bruises had healed but he stopped going outside and hardly talked. Eun Mae tried to coax him into smiling by tickling him, swinging him around in her arms but he remained unresponsive. She’d ask him what she could do to make him happy, but he’d shrug and look the other way. It seemed like the more she tried, the more he backed away. But the more he rejected her gestures, the harder she tried to reach out to him.  

            Deep inside, something had stirred inside him. He wasn’t sure what it was. All he knew was that a part of him had been stolen, and it had made him hollow, empty, incomplete in an unimaginable way. His nights withered like wilted roses because of the nightmares - always the same ones: darkness enshrouded him, ate his flesh, turned it black.

            He’d stopped smiling altogether and Eun Mae’s patience was wearing thin. She tried to be tolerant, but there were times she could't help but snap at him. She didn’t mean to be so harsh or controlling but she couldn’t help it. The only person she had a right to be angry at was herself.

There was one moment that he smiled though. When Eun Mae told him he’d finally get to meet his father. His jaw dropped a little, and he nearly high-fived Kyungsoo, who after the accident had been slightly neglected.

Kyungsoo may not have possessed Baekhyun’s wit, but he seemed to understand what the family was going through and locked his loneliness in a safe only he knew the combination to.

            Seung Jo came over on a Friday afternoon, overdressed in a polka dot button down and black suit. Eun Mae herself wore a striped dress, hair tethered in a simple bun. She rolled her eyes as he entered through the door, holding a bouquet of sun-yellow daisies (that later ended up in the trash). She scrunched up her nose with distaste as she led him to the living room, determined not to relieve memories elicited by woodsy cigarette smoke.

            Baekhyun was hesitant at first, unsure if he’d like him; but when his gaze fell on his dad, he was awestruck as he saw a grown up version of himself standing before him. Nonetheless, unlike Kyungsoo who immediately leapt into his father’s arms, accepting all the attention he could get, Baekhyun gave him a mere twitch of the lips which Seung Jo welcomed graciously, Eun Mae had explained the ramifications of the accident.

            They had spaghetti for dinner and the meal would have been silent, if it wasn’t for the clinking of silverware and Kyungsoo’s endless chatter that Seung Jo listened to intently, grinning on cue. Eun Mae chewed silently, eyes locked on Baekhyun in front of her. The fork in his hand poked and probed the spaghetti. He was doing the common mistake of playing with his food instead of eating it. He knew much better than that.

            She tried to stop herself but ended up chided him for not eating properly. Seung Jo shifted uncomfortably, and Kyungsoo went quiet as her voice boomed through the house. Baekhyun nodded and started chewing.

“Don’t forget your meds either,” reminded Eun Mae sternly, before gesturing Kyungsoo to continue his story.  It didn’t matter that the TV was on in the living room, or that Seung Jo and Kyungsoo were bursting into fits of laughter, all Baekhyun felt was trapped, and all Eun Mae felt was an undying guilt.

            So over the course of the next few days, she tried to devise a plan to make Baekhyun happy again. She woke her kids up early on a scorching hot Saturday morning, and told them to get dressed.

            They left the house and Kyungsoo chattered away in the car, while Baekhyun pressed his cheek into his palm and sighed.

“Mom, where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

            Eun Mae swerved into Myeongdong’s extremely expensive parking garage. Kyungsoo exhaled in amazement,

“This is so cool! We’re in the city.”

“We’re in Seoul’s most amazing shopping district. Each of you can pick anything you like and I’ll get it for you.”

“Anything?”

“Anything!” Eun Mae clapped her hands together, and together they walked towards the shops. Baekhyun on her right side, Kyungsoo staggering a little behind.

            They went to a massive toy store first, upon Kyungsoo’s request. Eun Mae kept her fingers firmly locked into Baekhyun’s, but let Kyungsoo roam free and play with toy airplanes and cars. Baekhyun whispered if he could too but Eun Mae shook her head and kept him on the leash. Feeling like he was chained, Baekhyun tried to think of way to escape, when he got an idea.

“Can I go to the bathroom, umma?”

            Eun Mae nodded and took him towards the womens stalls but Baekhyun sighed and said that he was big enough to go to the men’s stalls now. Eun Mae sighed in return, but let him go, turning her gaze to a display of toy trains outside the men’s bathroom. When Baekhyun’s hand was free of his mother’s, he rejoiced and tried to devise a plan to get away. He didn’t want to run away per se, he just wanted to drop off the edge of the world for a little while, just to get his sanity back, find his center.

            After using the bathroom, he escaped through the backdoor and came face to face with Seoul’s winds whipping his skin. In front of him hordes of people passed to and fro, and he eased himself into a current of people flowing left. After a minute or two, he came across a small bookshop squished in between two garish fashion stores, looking as if stuffed in as an afterthought.

As he entered the shop, he looked up in sheer wonder at the myriad books, each one holding a hidden treasure. He walked through the aisles and back again, reveling in the aroma of crisp pages waiting anxiously to be turned. Every now and then a flashy cover would catch his eye but he’d shrug and move on in the hopes of finding something better.

He didn’t have much time though.

It was only a matter of 30 minutes or so before his mother would find and severely scold him.

Sighing deeply, Baekhyun stole a furtive glance at the shop’s entrance before sighing in relief; his mother was nowhere to be seen.

As he drew in a sharp breath, an intangible feeling of freedom blossomed within him and surrounded his body like an invisible armor. 

At least for now, Baekhyun could forget about his “condition”. At least for now, he could forget the discomfort of swallowing two dry pills every evening. At least for the next 30 minutes, he could pretend that he was indeed a normal eight year old boy.

It was amazing how this tiny little bookshop was able to cast all of Baekhyun’s painful memories into oblivion and leave behind a heightened sense of belonging.

As he meandered deeper into the store, the familiar melody of drizzling rain entered his ear. He glanced outside with sun-strained eyes to find the sky’s tears falling upon the yellow daisies outside the shop.  A smile crept onto his face as he watched the sun kiss away the wind and soak up the raindrops. He’d always been fond of daisies; they projected such radiance and warmth - two things Baekhyun severely lacked.

But maybe they were hidden deep inside one of the dusty books resting upon these shelves. With a quick intake of air, Baekhyun closed his eyes and ran an anxious hand over a row of books, stopping only when intuition told him to. His little hand landed on a thick book with velvety pages. As he pulled it out, a breathless gasp escaped his parted lips. The cover was magnificent: a pitch black sky besprinkled with glistening constellations. His trembling fingers ran over the sparkling diamonds that contrasted beautifully against the darkness.

Baekhyun’s eyes twinkled, reflecting the stars on the cover, as he glanced at the book’s title embellished in sterling letters:

            The Stars and Beyond

The author’s name, Park Chanyeol, was written directly underneath it, in shinier but smaller letters. Baekhyun opened the book anxiously to its front page. Along the side ran a piece of text entitled About the Author and beneath it lay a small image of a boy of similar age to himself. He had ringlets of golden hair framing a cherubic face, and a pair of thick, black glasses covering large, inquisitive eyes. His lips were pulled into a wide, teeth-flashing smile and one side of his face was scrunched up in what appeared to be painful joy. Baekhyun grinned at the silliness of the boy’s expression before reading the authorial description.

Dr. Park Chanyeol is a child prodigy to say the least. Despite being only eight years old, he has achieved a lifetime of accomplishments. Among other things, he has doctorates in Astronomy and Chemistry and is in the process of earning a medical degree. His hobbies include exploring the natural world, conducting fun experiments in his private lab and eating chocolate chip cookies. The Stars and Beyond follows the events of the six-month journey in which Park Chanyeol relentlessly uncovered the secrets that lie outside our galaxy.

Baekhyun's eyes widened after he finished reading. Now here was a real hero, an eight year old boy who’d traveled the world, who'd reached the stars. He’d written a book for God’s sake! He was living proof of what little boys could do in this big, scary world.  

And this was it. This was the book he’d been waiting for all along. It was funny how serendipity practically handed you the answer to all your problems.

He sighed and stared at the picture of Park Chanyeol again, focusing on the boy’s twitching eye.

The young scientist indeed looked rather weird but there was a sun-like radiance about him. Pure happiness leaked through the book's pages and into Baekhyun's heart, making it heavier somehow. 

“You okay there little kid?”

Baekhyun’s head snapped upwards to find a teenage employee, wearing a maroon polo. He had jet black hair and seemed to be sinking his teeth into his tongue.

“Y-yeah.”

“Sure you’re not lost?” He sat down, so he was level with Baekhyun. “What you got there?”

Baekhyun handed him the book.

“Oooh Stars and Beyond by Park Chanyeol. It’s a good read. You into science and stuff?”

Baekhyun nodded, but kept his eyes fixed on the book.

“Hey don’t worry little dude, I’m not going to hurt you. I work here. The name’s Chen”

            The employee extended his hand forward but Baekhyun ignored it, keeping his eyes fixed on the book.

“You really want this don’t you?”

A smile etched on Baekhyun’s lips. The first one in weeks.

“I tell you what, if you do aegyo for me then I’ll buy you this book.”

            Suddenly Baekhyun found himself doing buingbuing and then chuckling at himself. He hadn’t heard the happy sound in a long time, and it created large ripples in the deep seas of his soul.

            Chen wailed at how cute he was before laughing along with him. He then walked to the counter and bought the book. He was a rather scrawny teenager, had a horrid habit of biting his tongue but Baekhyun decided he liked him, everything about him in fact. He liked the acne scattered across his cheeks, his high pitched laugh, and how he was buying the book that just might save him.

“Here.” Chen bent down and put the book in his hands. “This book cost two days o’ pay so you better read it. Now where’s your family?”

            Baekhyun grimaced and mumbled that he’d gotten here on his own. Chen rolled his eyes, “You’re talking to the guy who’s won the high school science fair four years in a row.”

            Groaning, Baekhyun explained what had happened. Chen smirked and patted the boy’s head, “You got spunk kid, but don’t do stupid things like run away. Okay?”

Baekhyun had been right, Eun Mae was furious, more than furious, she was a boiling gallon of lava about to burst from the deadliest volcano on earth. But she didn’t erupt, because when she entered the little bookshop to find her son warm and cozy on a sofa, reading a big black book, it calmed the storm in her heart. When he looked up from the book and smiled, really smiled, all her anger melted away. Even Kyungsoo couldn’t help but grin when he saw the smile on Baekhyun’s face. Eun Mae thanked the Chen-fellow and left a large tip for him. He gave her a humongous hug in return that lasted longer than it should have but Eun Mae let it go – pointedly ignoring the hot pink “Noonas are hot” bracelet on his wrist.

            Once Baekhyun and Kyungsoo were buckled into their little red car, Eun Mae announced she had another surprise for them.

“Another?” asked Kyungsoo, eyes widening.

Eun Mae giggled, “Yup.”

*

            During the car ride, Kyungsoo apportioned his time between playing with his new toy train and pestering Eun Mae about the surprise she had in store for them.

“Are we going to meet Santa Claus?”

“No Soo.”

“Oooh are we getting a pool?!”

“No.”

“A playstation?”

“No.”

“Oh are we going to live with daddy?”

“NO.”

“Then where are we going?”

            Baehyun, on the other hand, blocked all the noise and dived head-first into the book, which was a little difficult maneuver in the cramped car because of its sheer size.

The first page was speckled with stars, millions and gazillions of them. Baekhyun smiled and began reading,

            Looking up at the night sky can be the most daunting feeling of them all. There’s so many stars, and only one you and in the grand scheme of the things, we’re merely stardust. But let’s look  at it another way. There’s only one you, and so many stars to discover and live amongst. And in the grand scheme of things, when stars die they become stardust—which is what we are essentially made of. What I’m trying to say is that the stars, the universe, this entire world- regardless of how massive it is, are still connected to each and everyone of us. They make up our being, and in turn we make them up. 

            Something poured into Baekhyun when he finished reading the first page. Like the missing jigsaw piece of his heart had finally been put into place. He looked again at the author’s image; a somewhat chubby, kid with golden curls, a beaming smile and round spectacles. For some reason a sigh left his mouth, and when he looked up from the book, another one immediately escaped from his chapped, parted lips.

            “Whoah.”

Rippling green grass peppered with thousands of dancing daisies surrounded the car, as Eun Mae drove down a little dirt road that wound its way between the fields.

            “Surprise!” Eun Mae cried, stepping on the acceleration when she heard Baekhyun’s excited gasps. It was a heavenly sight, an ocean of yellow. A crisp, invigorating aroma drifted in to the car and filled Baekhyun’s nostrils with a freshness he hadn’t felt before. Freedom danced in his veins. Sunlight washed over his visage.

            Eun Mae parked the car at the end of the road, next to a little house that Kyungsoo assumed was their new home.

“No, sweetie. We’re not moving there. That’s the landlord’s house.”

            With a pout on his face, Kyungsoo went back to playing with his toy train, uninterested in what lay under the tall blue sky. Once Baekhyun got out of the car, he expected his mother to keep her hand locked tight in his, to keep him trapped, but instead she whispered the one word Baekhyun longed to hear, “Go.”

            And Baekhyun ran. Daisies zoomed past him on either side, and in front of him lay a never-ending journey, an abundance of yellow freedom. Hope arose in his heart, like snow accumulating on a roof, one flake at a time. Hope that everything was going to be okay. Hope that every jagged piece of darkness that lived inside him was going to be ripped apart, seam by seam. It felt like a of yellow on the black canvas of his life.

After what felt like miles of running, Baekhyun came to a halt, spent and panting. Wisps of clouds appeared overhead and the sun slipped behind them, ready to set. The velvet dusk painted the sky in striking rusts and pale pinks. And Baekhyun, breathless and fatigued, admired the sight of a million daisies fluttering beneath a golden sky. And then he did something he didn’t usually like to do, look back. And there she was, surrounded by a sea of yellow, the woman he called his mother.

She looked older somehow, with fading sunlight illuminating the silver stands in her hair and a sincere, knowing smile planted on her face. Baekhyun could feel unclouded love emanating from her, all the way from where he was standing and in that moment, he decided to forgive her. For the mistakes she had made, and for the mistakes he knew she would make in the future, because in her lined eyes he could see how much she cared for him and he couldn’t help but feel like he was glowing. Out of sheer curiosity, he raised his hands and to his amazement, they did indeed glow orange in the sun, like they’d been dipped into a pool of amber iridescence.

The corners of his lips darted upwards, and then he ran, not away but to his mother, to his little brother using the car as a train track for his toy.

Eun Mae watched him approach her, and her arms stretched out wide. It was worth a shot, even if he’d refuse. Which he didn’t because he wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled his face into her warm sweater. His heart swelled a little before he withdrew, taking in the beauty around him. There was so much to admire that Baekhyun couldn’t help but release another exasperated sigh. He closed his eyes briefly and geometric shapes appeared, all of them contorting into an image of a chubby boy with an odd smile.

 when stars die, they become stardust.

To Baekhyun every daisy was a star, and he was what made them up. In front of him, the sun was setting and his shadow along with his mother’s flickered on the green grass. As she placed her hands softly on his shoulder, she released a mesmerized breath that fluttered through his brown locks. Even Kyungsoo stopped his playing to watch the sun disappear. He stood next to Baekhyun, in equal anticipation, and laced his fingers in his brother’s who  stood right where he was and let the two bodies immerse him in orange warmth.

The three of them watched the sun descend over the daisies. Their sighs melted in the wind and if anybody saw them, his or her gaze would automatically linger on their mesmerized faces and not on the magnificent sun.

As evening light dissipated, Baekhyun turned around and embraced his mother again, mumbling a little thank you into her stomach.

 It ended up being a terribly brief hug, Eun Mae thought, but it was definitely a start. 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 I hope you guys enjoyed seeing more of Baekhyun's past and all that jazz. I'd like to give a shoutout to my extremely awesome beta LotusK for saving my as always haha. 

dear readers, your comments always motivate me, and I love hearing your reactions, so thank you for that. For those of you who feel baekyeol and kaisoo deprived, fear not! The next chapter features both of those precious otps in hideously large amounts and is actually nearly complete. I guess I'm not that slow orz

thank you for reading^^

[gif not mine]