Jaejoong's Perspective

Less than a year -7 months 3 weeks to be exact- is all it took. All it took for me to fall for Mae Hye Su.

Maybe it was because I felt like she saw me for what I was  -not the kid who struggled to pay for dance classes or the Hallyu wave idol- but just as a guy who writes music. She made me feel normal, and I liked being that around her. 

Unfortunately, she wasn't very normal anymore. It all started when she took a knife against me while in a spell, and from there on it progressed farther. Sometimes I'd have to leave her in the dorm to fall asleep she was so out of control. I felt helpless watching her without a clue to who I was or who she was herself. 

It was ironic; she took the job as a producer to forget about her troubled life and move forward. Now music was the only was for her to remember that. No matter how much brain training she did or we tried on her subliminally, it didn't help. If she wasn't at a piano or singing in the shower, Mae Hye Su wasn't around. 

"I'm taking you out tonight. For dinner" I took out one of her red earbuds, "My treat"

"Wae?" she asked, bobbing her head to the steady beat

"Just cause. You deserve a reward for all your hard work here" I shrugged

I put on the most conservative of clothng so that my face wasn't visible. The sasaengs could always see through the disguise though. Either way, I was going to take Hye Su out. Tonight I was going to tell her how I felt. She was having a good day too, it must be a sign. 

In a three foot long thick gray scarf, sunglasses, and a long coat I hopped into my car parked underground. Cautiously I drove us up the spiralling way, hoping that I wasn't caught by manager or Yoochun, who probably would tell manager. I hated when he acted with common sense; it killed my spontaneity. 

"I didn't know you could drive" she mused

I laughed, 

"Why? Can idols not be able to drive?"

She laughed like a bell being rung, 

"No, no. I'm just surprised. Junsu told me how you had the hardest trainee life, so I can't imagine a convenient time for you to learn"

We rolled up to the restaurant hassle free. No one had thrown themselves on to the hood or chased us in a taxi. It was my lucky day apparently. The sign glowed the word Clazziquai softly as I escorted her in. All the way here I kept the radio on in hopes she'd be ok then.

"I remeber you mentioning a story you've been writing. A novel" I said

"Me? Really?" she softly replied in surprise, handing off the wine menu to the waitor

Hye Su pondered the thought for a while, mouthing to herself as if it'd trigger some key phrase or word. She sighed,

"Sorry. I can't remember"

"Coffee notebook, page 8" I hinted, knowing the answer all along

She gasped, 

"Yes! Yes; that! Mhm... I had been working on Living Like A Dream and I had spilled half my drink on the notebook. That's the one I had been writing in too dammit. It's not very good though. Just for fun really"

"What's it about?" I asked, curious if she'd remember any of it today

"It's a really cheesy story. In short a woman travels to her home country and finds the man she loves. There's more to it, just I can't recall all the details" she sighed

This novel wasn't really a novel, but her own journal. If she had her full brain working I'd make sure she wrote in it that day. It was a way to see how much she remembered of the past months. Clearly, there wasn't much left there going by the fact she didn't even include becoming a writer in the debrief today. 

But the 'finds the man she loves' was new. Never heard that before. 

Casually we chatted about our lives, catching up on what was happening. She was surprisingly busy with all her behind the scenes work. While she recounted her meeting today with a YG producer, our drinks arrived

"S-shiem-mi?...."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

With a smash the two glasses of wine and water slid off the tray and on to the floor. I looked at the embarassed waiter as he bent down in shock to begin clean up. Hastfully he apologized while taking the larger broken pieces, his hands shaking. 

"Omo! Aigo" I picked up some pieces than had flown under my side of the table, "Are you okay?"

He nodded rapidly, 

"Y-yes. I'll take care of this. Don't worry"

I bent up to my original sitting position, holding eye contact with the man. Was I suppose to know him? The way his eyes were gleaming suggested I should. If we had met before even more a moment, he should have left some type of impression. I couldn't forget those dimples and side swept ruby hair now that I've seen them. 

"Anyways, what are you up to now besides filiming your drama? I asked, hoping the waiter didn't get a yelling at for the accident

Jaejoong seemed off in another world -no, universe- when I spoke to him. His eyes jolted open as if he'd been asleep. Maybe he knew the waiter and was embarassed by me helping with the broken glass. 

"Filming takes up most of my time so not too much. Just the usual fan meets here and there, along with composing" he finally replied, still passive

The waiter who had dropped the drinks was back with a broom and cloth. I smiled at him, hoping to convey that it was no big deal. He just looked so distrot and upset over that little thing, I wanted him to know it was ok. The poor guy. Probably just a bad day for him. 

I was about to laugh at Jaejoong who was absentmindedly making the silliest face when a phone went off. My head automatically turned around to see the source to find it was the waiter's. Usually I would just go on with whatever I had been doing and brush it off, but I knew this song. I knew this song really well. 

Compared to the many guys in this world, I might be comparable and lacking but
You tell me that I'm the greatest guy in the world
My precious, my one and only angel, you are my angel

Love rides the wind and enters my heart
It warmly melts my once frozen heart
Just at the thought of you, I start to smile
When I walk with you, my neck is strong and upright
From now on, our own love story has started
Just hold my hands - I promise to be your shadow
Whenever you can call me

You're so beautiful

I sat in awe as the 30 second clip faded away, becoming an unanswered call. The my voice came out like a scratched record on a turn table,

"B-block-khead?..."

Lee Changsun. It was him. This wasn't like when I used to think the past was the present. No; he was here, so was Jaejoong. This was now. 

Instinctively I covered my face with my hands, ashamed of myself for being this blind and dumb. I didn't want to cry infront of all these people, I didn't want to seem weak. Not infront of Chang or Jaejoong especially. 

Recognizing that I had recognized him, his reaction began to mirror mine. The stuttering, the scrunched up eyes to stop the tears, he didn't know what to do either. He snapped out of it though, taking me by the wrist to follow him. I didn't argue either; we had to have a long overdue talk. 

The moment we exited through the back entrance for employees, he grabbed me in a rough kiss. I returned his actions naturally, tears streaming down my face from not feeling this way for a long time. His familiar grip held me close as he urgently moved his lips on mine. 

Then I began to sob,

"W-why now? Why?"

He squeezed me even closer as I drenched his shoulder with my eyes, rasping into my ear

"Na saranghae. I never thought I'd see you again. I would have found you the first day if I knew you'd get this bad"

I hiccuped,

"Chang, don-"

"There's no use lying. You didn't recognize me until my phone went off. You won't even remember this tomorrow" he interrupted 

Even though I knew this was true, it still hurt hearing it, especially from him now. I let go of his body, pushing on his chest to create distance. 

"Who was that man" he whispered, looking directly at my puffy eyes

Silence was my chosen response, not wanting to be here or remember it. He took it the wrong way though,

"Your boyfriend. I see. The famous one I keep seeing everywhere here, and in America"

"No; I work for him. I produce music for his company" I corrected 

"Oh" Chang came closer, "He sure seems to like you though, considering he took you out to Clazziquai" 

I turned my head away from his hot stare, as I mumbled back,

"He's a celebrity. He's a professional. I'm the opposite. Jaejoong could get any woman he pleases, and I'm definitely not his first choice"

"You're mine though. My first choice" he breathed, pulling me in again for a kiss

It was undeniable how badly I wanted to feel his body pressed against mine, his hands wandering up and down my back, Like how it once was. It shouldn't be though. It never should be like that again because who I am now, a dying worthless little girl. I jumped back from him, putting a hand up defensively while yelling,

"Don't have feelings for me. It will only hard us both" 

"I'm already hurt! I may as well be hurting with you!" he argued, using the same tone from when we broke off the engagement 

My lip quivered violently as I tried to keep it still by biting it. I couldn't make myself look directly at him, it made me even more over the top. It was the only way for me to think I wouldn't suddently forget though, so I forced my eyes to focus on his pained face. I just didn't want to forget him again, he was what I wanted to remember most. 

"You'll just feel worse if we get back together. I don't want you to see me like this, not myself. Forgetting who I am, who you are. If we stay out of eachother's lives, it will let you have one" I reasoned

Chang gripped me firmly by the shoulders, shaking me violently as he sobbed. I croaked out his name as I held his face, wishing I could just erase myself from his mind. I didn't want to cause him pain anymore. Even though he made me happy I knew that he could stay that way if I stayed away. 

"Shiem-"

"Don't call me that" I interrupted, 

"Heidi" he corrected, 

I dropped my hands at the use of my English name, seeing his full face. His bangs stuck to his forehead, almost completely covering his right eye. Continuing his tohugh, he spoke softly 

"I wanted to marry you the moment we met, when you spilt that cup of tea on my pants and laptop during lecture. I still feel the same. I want you to get nervous around me, to make me laugh with the simplest thing. Will you give us a second chance?"

It wasn't suppose to come out as a scream, but it did

"Everything has changed Chang! I'm not that girl anymore, and I can't become her again!"

Slowly he backed away from my heaving figure. I was beyond overwhelmed. I wanted tp throw up my heart. Seeing him this vulnerable reminded me off when my boyfriend Lee 'Felix' Changsun asked me out for the first time. That memory stung like an angry hornet when it resurfaced. He rushed down the brick wall towards the street, aggresively throwing the jacket he had been wearing. 

"I love you. I thought you still felt the same too" 

Those barked out harsh words slapped me across the face as I watched him storm off. At first I thought to chase after him, and resolve the fight that was suppose to be the resolve. I convinced myself in an instant not to though. It had gone too far tonight. 

When you love someone, you should let them go. Right?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Jaejoong's Perspective 

"Kim Jaejoong?"

Dammit.

"No;no. Sorry sir. It's just that my friend works for you. Her name is Mae Hye Su"  added the waiter, cleaning the table across from me

I smiled, 

"She is a very talented woman. I am lucky to have her"

The young boy scrubbed diligently at the table, not saying a word more to me. I stared at the empty piano in the centre, wondering what was happening with Hye Su. Her ex-fiance was sure to have some things to say to her. 

"Hyung.. You idiot... " 

A head shake and a lip flutter followed as the waiter gathered the dirty napkins. I turned my head to see where he had been looking to see the last of a man stomping angrily past the restaurant. It was Changsun. I recognized him from a photo I had once seen in Hye's waller, and then tonight of course. Where was she then? Was she ok? Did she need help?

Spoke too soon, 

"I'm sorry Jaejoong. I had no idea that he would be here. Again I'm sorr-"

"Noona, noona!" the waiter threw himself on to Hye Su in a hug, "I-I... "

She rapidly spoke to him in dialect. I could barely make out when she even said names. I think the boy's name was Cheolyong from what I could catch. 

"You shouldn't be working. You need to be preparing for exams and your music career" she fretted, resting her hand on the table like a scoldng parent

"But I need to pay for them some how" he replied quiety

"I will continue to help pay for them. You know I will, and have been for the past four years" she gave him a light kiss on the forehead, "I need to go now Mireu"

I got the message that we needed to leave now. She gave me a confirming nod as I handed over her coat and bag. Just as we were about to walk towards the exit, the Cheolyong boy said goodbye to her. 

"Get healthy again. Goodbye noona"

Politely she nodded and said she'd try. It was obvious she didn't believe that though. I knew that she didn't think she'd get better. Unexpectedly, I was then stopped by Cheolyong as Hye Su went ahead. I raised an eyebrow in confusion, but he just bowed deeply, asking me for a favour

"My brother Changsun can't look after her. So please, do it instead. She needs somebody"

He didn't need to ask, I have been doing so ever since she lost it that one day months ago. 

Maybe it'd take another 7 months and 3 weeks, maybe 7 hours and 3 minutes, but whatever the time it wasn't now. She couldn't hear another thing that would just mess up her judgment. I'd save my feelings for another time. One where she'd maybe return them. 

Maybe.