Granted
Please Forget Me
“My name is Hye Su. I am a 25 year old women living in Seattle. Korea is where my family lives though, and they hope I will come home”
I glanced to the nurse, hoping I’d gotten it right. Usually I did, but it was always a good precaution to take.
“Great! You got your introduction and five other questions correct. I think you’ll be fine for an appointment every two weeks.”
Politely I thanked the women and peeled myself off of the paper on the bench. My gratitude for this hospital was beyond words, they hadn’t turned me away with the classic “I’m sorry Miss Mae. We can’t help”.
About one year ago I had a . To this day no one knows the cause of such a thing in a young and healthy young women like myself. Following this I also was in a car accident, but I recovered fully.
Well, I thought I had.
“So is Thursday at 2:30 ok for you?”
I nodded to the receptionist,
“Yes, and thank you”
But this appointment was three months ago. I can barely recall that first appointment at the hospital. My dementia was getting worse. Today marked when I was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease.
“W-Why? I thought only elderly got the disease” I rasped, finding it hard to even breathe
“It’s more common, but not impossible for younger people. It is quite rare though. The dementia must’ve been triggered by your and car accident “ explained Dr. Maiddon.
“Can we do anything? Medication? Can you cure me? What about all my check ups, they must’ve helped” I rambled, knowing the reality of Alzheimer’s Disease.
He bit his lower lip and shook his head,
“I’m sorry; but the the chemical balance and your brain cell degeneration cannot be fixed. Also this form of Alzheimers we’ve never seen before. I even found it hard to diagnose as Alzheimers it’s so altered. We can try to slow it down though, retraining the brain and using the medication for normal Alzheimer’s patients”
My palms were shining from the tears and sweat on them. I had been so hopeful that this time would be different, that I’d have an answer and solution, not just another problem. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve,
“Anything. I’ll try anything”
I was about to leave the office, but was stopped by Dr. Maiddon.
“Hye Su, be sure to talk to the receptionist about our program. She’ll know what I mean”
With a lethargic nod I did as told.
“Program? Ah; yes. He’s referring to The Granted Foundation. It’s usually is for children, but if he told you to come here and ask you’re an exception”
The pamphlet I had been leafing through fluttered to the countertop. I knew I had heard of this foundation before. Children with terminal illnesses had one of their life’s wishes fulfilled. That meant mine was also terminal....
I gulped, breathing out the words for only myself to hear
“So. I really am going to die”
Being my ‘for the hell of it’ self, I accepted the offer. After filling out a whole stack of forms and showing multiple ID’s, I was set up. Now only one thing remained.
The oddly cheery women smiled at me through her glasses, typing away into the system. I had been at the counter for probably an hour now, watching the people in other lines come and go.
“What will the wish be?”
There were many things that one could wish for, but my instincts knew which would be the best.
“Korea, my home. I would like the chance to see and meet JYJ”
She stared at me unblinking, stunned and confused
“Excuse me? JYJ? Is that an actor?”
I thoroughly explained who they were, making sure she understood why I wanted to specifically see that group. It all started when I was asked to transcribe one of their songs as five, “Why Did I Fall In Love With You’. I didn’t think much of it as a piano major, but soon found myself beyond infatuated with the sound. It was so different from American music. My admiration for the music was not even that, but simply a deep respect. The quality of their sound never changed even when the number of members did.
“One moment” she scooted out on her chair, “I just need to have a word with Dr. Maiddon”
Anxiously I waited for whatever news she would bring. Probably just my luck she would say they can’t have me as a patient anymore or something along those lines. I knew Maiddon wouldn’t give up on me though, I had faith in him.
My eyes darted around, looking at the others waiting for assistance. I saw their faces, wondering what their story was. I wonder what people thought mine was, why I was at the hospital. Most might think I was here for a simple check up, maybe visiting a boy friend or relative. If only it was that simple.
I stopped my wandering gaze on the framed calendar on the wall behind the check in area. The reflection was a perfectly focused image of the computer screen, the one that the women had been using.
“Mae Hye Su; Level 2. Alzheimer’s Disease”
This meant nothing to me, I didn’t understand the reason for the Level 2. I read the backwards reflection some more, squinting to make out the fine print of others on the list.
“Lucy Heartfillia; Level 3. Leukemia.”
Then the next name, the one just above mine instead of below
“Lyon Vastia; Level 2. HIV/AIDS”
For a little I kept attempting to translate the categorization. My eyes froze on the name of some Level 5 girl when I realized what this list was. This wasn’t alphabetical orderor by age...
The higher up on the list, the more urgent for the person’s wish. I was the second, above the girl Lucy who had leukemia.
It wasn’t at all comforting knowing my condition was more serious than leukemia but less than HIV/AIDS. I had to force myself to stop reading, knowing I would just get more upset knowing what other medical conditions like polio and Menkes disease were less urgent than mine.
Luckily the receptionist shuffled back before I could burst into tears again
.
“I just cleared up a few things with him. Korea is a big yes” she answered
The way she said it, it made me actually angry. It was as if getting this wish was a good thing. Sure, it was, but not under the circumstances. Having this granted meant I was dying, and indefinitely would before JYJ even finished their tour for god’s sake. I was meant to die.
Immediately when I arrived at my apartment, I called my family.
“Umma, naega jibe danago. I’m coming home, to Korea”
At first she was ecstatic that her youngest was returning, but quickly began to sob when I told her why. She knew I had been having health issues, but knowing it was this severe now really put things in perspective.
“I shouldn’t have ever let you go to America” she huffed
“If I hadn’t accepted the offer for overseas schooling, you wouldn’t have been able to afford the house” I leveled
Eventually I said goodbye, trying to keep our conversation short. I didn’t want her to have the time to pass the phone to my father, knowing I’d start crying all over again.
For at least an hour I just sat on my couch, staring at the blank wall opposite. I had such a time coming to grips with the facts I had gotten an answer. Wasn’t it what I had wanted? It wasn’t what I expected though.
I thought about calling my friend Rhea, but didn’t since I knew we weren’t very friendly anymore. I then thought about calling my boyfriend Changsun, but didn’t since we weren’t together anymore. Both of these people I isolated myself from ever since my paranoid obsession with health. I didn’t want to seem pathetic to them, like they had to stay with me all the time and be a caretaker.
At this moment though, I needed one of them more than ever.
“Jagiya... what are you thinking about...” I whispered, squeezing the cushion in my hand
The worst part about falling in love is wondering about someone who has stopped wondering about you long ago. I knew he had moved on. This loneliness was my own fault.
All I had was my piano and a driving insanity to play it.
I had no social life anymore. The only thing that spoke after I came home from work was my music. Scores and sheets filled with lyrics were everywhere, including in my mind all day everyday.
I glanced to the nurse, hoping I’d gotten it right. Usually I did, but it was always a good precaution to take.
“Great! You got your introduction and five other questions correct. I think you’ll be fine for an appointment every two weeks.”
Politely I thanked the women and peeled myself off of the paper on the bench. My gratitude for this hospital was beyond words, they hadn’t turned me away with the classic “I’m sorry Miss Mae. We can’t help”.
About one year ago I had a . To this day no one knows the cause of such a thing in a young and healthy young women like myself. Following this I also was in a car accident, but I recovered fully.
Well, I thought I had.
“So is Thursday at 2:30 ok for you?”
I nodded to the receptionist,
“Yes, and thank you”
But this appointment was three months ago. I can barely recall that first appointment at the hospital. My dementia was getting worse. Today marked when I was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease.
“W-Why? I thought only elderly got the disease” I rasped, finding it hard to even breathe
“It’s more common, but not impossible for younger people. It is quite rare though. The dementia must’ve been triggered by your and car accident “ explained Dr. Maiddon.
“Can we do anything? Medication? Can you cure me? What about all my check ups, they must’ve helped” I rambled, knowing the reality of Alzheimer’s Disease.
He bit his lower lip and shook his head,
“I’m sorry; but the the chemical balance and your brain cell degeneration cannot be fixed. Also this form of Alzheimers we’ve never seen before. I even found it hard to diagnose as Alzheimers it’s so altered. We can try to slow it down though, retraining the brain and using the medication for normal Alzheimer’s patients”
My palms were shining from the tears and sweat on them. I had been so hopeful that this time would be different, that I’d have an answer and solution, not just another problem. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve,
“Anything. I’ll try anything”
I was about to leave the office, but was stopped by Dr. Maiddon.
“Hye Su, be sure to talk to the receptionist about our program. She’ll know what I mean”
With a lethargic nod I did as told.
“Program? Ah; yes. He’s referring to The Granted Foundation. It’s usually is for children, but if he told you to come here and ask you’re an exception”
The pamphlet I had been leafing through fluttered to the countertop. I knew I had heard of this foundation before. Children with terminal illnesses had one of their life’s wishes fulfilled. That meant mine was also terminal....
I gulped, breathing out the words for only myself to hear
“So. I really am going to die”
Being my ‘for the hell of it’ self, I accepted the offer. After filling out a whole stack of forms and showing multiple ID’s, I was set up. Now only one thing remained.
The oddly cheery women smiled at me through her glasses, typing away into the system. I had been at the counter for probably an hour now, watching the people in other lines come and go.
“What will the wish be?”
There were many things that one could wish for, but my instincts knew which would be the best.
“Korea, my home. I would like the chance to see and meet JYJ”
She stared at me unblinking, stunned and confused
“Excuse me? JYJ? Is that an actor?”
I thoroughly explained who they were, making sure she understood why I wanted to specifically see that group. It all started when I was asked to transcribe one of their songs as five, “Why Did I Fall In Love With You’. I didn’t think much of it as a piano major, but soon found myself beyond infatuated with the sound. It was so different from American music. My admiration for the music was not even that, but simply a deep respect. The quality of their sound never changed even when the number of members did.
“One moment” she scooted out on her chair, “I just need to have a word with Dr. Maiddon”
Anxiously I waited for whatever news she would bring. Probably just my luck she would say they can’t have me as a patient anymore or something along those lines. I knew Maiddon wouldn’t give up on me though, I had faith in him.
My eyes darted around, looking at the others waiting for assistance. I saw their faces, wondering what their story was. I wonder what people thought mine was, why I was at the hospital. Most might think I was here for a simple check up, maybe visiting a boy friend or relative. If only it was that simple.
I stopped my wandering gaze on the framed calendar on the wall behind the check in area. The reflection was a perfectly focused image of the computer screen, the one that the women had been using.
“Mae Hye Su; Level 2. Alzheimer’s Disease”
This meant nothing to me, I didn’t understand the reason for the Level 2. I read the backwards reflection some more, squinting to make out the fine print of others on the list.
“Lucy Heartfillia; Level 3. Leukemia.”
Then the next name, the one just above mine instead of below
“Lyon Vastia; Level 2. HIV/AIDS”
For a little I kept attempting to translate the categorization. My eyes froze on the name of some Level 5 girl when I realized what this list was. This wasn’t alphabetical orderor by age...
The higher up on the list, the more urgent for the person’s wish. I was the second, above the girl Lucy who had leukemia.
It wasn’t at all comforting knowing my condition was more serious than leukemia but less than HIV/AIDS. I had to force myself to stop reading, knowing I would just get more upset knowing what other medical conditions like polio and Menkes disease were less urgent than mine.
Luckily the receptionist shuffled back before I could burst into tears again
.
“I just cleared up a few things with him. Korea is a big yes” she answered
The way she said it, it made me actually angry. It was as if getting this wish was a good thing. Sure, it was, but not under the circumstances. Having this granted meant I was dying, and indefinitely would before JYJ even finished their tour for god’s sake. I was meant to die.
Immediately when I arrived at my apartment, I called my family.
“Umma, naega jibe danago. I’m coming home, to Korea”
At first she was ecstatic that her youngest was returning, but quickly began to sob when I told her why. She knew I had been having health issues, but knowing it was this severe now really put things in perspective.
“I shouldn’t have ever let you go to America” she huffed
“If I hadn’t accepted the offer for overseas schooling, you wouldn’t have been able to afford the house” I leveled
Eventually I said goodbye, trying to keep our conversation short. I didn’t want her to have the time to pass the phone to my father, knowing I’d start crying all over again.
For at least an hour I just sat on my couch, staring at the blank wall opposite. I had such a time coming to grips with the facts I had gotten an answer. Wasn’t it what I had wanted? It wasn’t what I expected though.
I thought about calling my friend Rhea, but didn’t since I knew we weren’t very friendly anymore. I then thought about calling my boyfriend Changsun, but didn’t since we weren’t together anymore. Both of these people I isolated myself from ever since my paranoid obsession with health. I didn’t want to seem pathetic to them, like they had to stay with me all the time and be a caretaker.
At this moment though, I needed one of them more than ever.
“Jagiya... what are you thinking about...” I whispered, squeezing the cushion in my hand
The worst part about falling in love is wondering about someone who has stopped wondering about you long ago. I knew he had moved on. This loneliness was my own fault.
All I had was my piano and a driving insanity to play it.
I had no social life anymore. The only thing that spoke after I came home from work was my music. Scores and sheets filled with lyrics were everywhere, including in my mind all day everyday.
My life was the song, and I was the player, and the music really does when the player can’t perform it.
Life really does when the person can’t live it.
Life really does when the person can’t live it.
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