Jaejoong's Perspective

"Sorry Mr. Kim"

"Jaejoong, I can't even imagine"

"She was a wonderful woman"

I didn't want to be consoled or comforted about my girlfriend's death.  All I really wanted was to be left alone, figure things out.

Guess that's how Hye Su felt before.

People continued to pay respects at the funeral. If a women dies unmarried, the parents do not attend. Hye's had also taken her off tw family register, so even more reason why they weren't here.  Yoochun and Junsu had come with me, but I had sent them off  after about an hour. Even though she was cremated, I wanted to be alone sitting in front of the urn. No visitors had come for Hye, but rather to say to me that they were sorry for the loss . Few people had known about our relationship so I wasn't expecting much.

"Kim Hye Su still sounds wonderful dear" I kneeled on the ground, wiping my eyes, "I-I wanted to marry you so badly"

I let large large tears run down my face, no longer needing to seem strong for my members,

"I wanted to have a baby with you"

Suddenly I heard footsteps. I was allowed to stay here for another hour, so it couldn't be a staff member. My body stayed in its limp state as I continued grieving.

"Kim Jaejoong, correct?"

I forced myself to turn around and greet the visitor. My jaw locked in place when I saw them.

"We haven't met formally before, and I wish we could under better circumstances" He bowed at 90 degrees, still with his head hung when he rose, "But I'm Lee Changsun"

I tried to say something back, I really did, but no sounds came out. Here stood the man that Hye Su had spent more of her life loving than myself. A negative amount of words were said on my part as I stood there with a shocked expression.

“I sorry that you lost your girlfriend. You two seemed to be perfect” he sighed

“I’m sorry also. You had to lose your bride to be” I whispered, suddenly feeling overshadowed by the fact they’d been engaged.

“She loved you, more than she ever did me” Changsun nodded towards the black ceramic urn, “I’m very jealous of you honestly ”

“Really, I’m no one to be jealous of” I muttered

“But you are. You were able to give her things I couldn’t, you did things I wouldn’t” he sighed again, dropping his eyes to the tiles as if disappointed in himself.

I shook my head,

“She lived in a past version of herself where you two were married. Every time I’d come to the hospital she’d tell me how you’d be home at 5:50 from work and how much she couldn’t wait to tell you about her day. Hye Su was faithful to your memories together, not ours”

Changsun bit his lip before staring at me straight on. His eyes were sharp, poking holes through my facade that I was coping. It was obvious he still loved her, he wore their couple ring, so why am I trying to fool myself that I was the only one. Was I being selfish, thinking he wasn’t grieving either?

“That’s the past. Your relationship was the future. I didn’t offer her a future or fight for one together. You did though”

Out of his pocket he took out a ring. Immediately I recognized it as Hye Su’s, with the engraving and diamond chips in the top.

“This was given to me but it belongs to you” he dropped it into my sweaty open palm, “She belongs to you”

“T-thank you” I stuttered, closing by fingers around it

“Do you feel upset, or angry?” I asked quietly, confused about my own feelings still

“Neither. You’d understand, how you can’t be angry at the person you love. This was her choice, and I do my part in life by accepting it” Changsun sat in one of the few chairs, resting his elbows on his knees, “Appreciate the time your lives crossed, and not get greedy wishing for more”

I thought about his response. Everything in life must be changed or accepted, and since I couldn’t change her death I had to accept it. Death itself wasn’t what I had a hard time grasping, but rather the fact that it had been a choice. She had chosen to leave me. Why could I have done to make her stay, if anything?

Memories. I have every last one. They’ll let us be together as long as I have them.

We sat separately in our own worlds in deep reflection. I had recalled all our talks and her smiles enough, so what remained were my wishes. She’d granted all of them by being my girlfriend and friend, but one had never been fulfilled. The words resonated in my clouded brain,

“I wish we had sung together. Just once”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

One year ago

When I arrived at the law firm to set up a legally binding will, the lawyer thought I was doing it for a parent or grandmother. He couldn’t believe it was for myself, a young and outerly healthy women.

“I want my estate and money to be divided equally between Chansung and Cheolyong” I drew Jaejoong’s jacket around me tighter, gulping “Everything else will go to Jaejoong”

The lawyer Mr. Hwang eyed me curiously,

“Three people? That’s all? You aren’t accounting for children, nieces, nephews?”

I shook my head, knowing that the day wouldn’t come

“Yes, just them”

From my bag I took out three large leather binders and sat them on the desk. The large clunk of them made the papers jump.

“All of this, this music, the copyright goes to Jaejoong”

Then I took out a small notebook, simply laying it on top

“This also”

“You aren’t interested at selling these pieces now, to get royalties through other artists?” asked Mr. Hwang, obviously finding me and my requests out of sorts

“Not at all. I want Jaejoong to have everything I have written” I assured

Soon I was signing and initialing dozens of papers, even more than what Dr. Jung had given me. Last night had proven to me that Jaejoong was serious, so that meant I had to get serious to. When I die, I want him to be able to keep going.

Call me crazy, but I think I am truly in love with him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jaejoong’s Perspective

There were a total of six binders. They were all mine now.

I carried them out of the hospital in two large bags. The rest of Hye Su’s belonging had been willed to others, that’s all i was told by the lawyer. She had left all of the music to me though, every note and word.

“Yah?” I adjusted the phone between my ear and shoulder, “Junsu what is it?”

“Finally you pick up! We’re worried” Junsu said strongly, making me jerk my head in the away from the phone

“Uhm... Sorry” I slid the bags into the passenger seat before pushing the door closed, “I know I should’ve called...”

There was a commotion in the background along with some demands for the phone. Yoochun’s voice replaced Junsu,

“We understand that you need some space, but the media has already begun to speculate where you’ve been for the past two days since we had a promotion with NII and you weren’t there”

“I had to see her lawyer, the will was divided today” I replied

Silence came from the other end. I said a final thing before hanging up,

“I promise to be back tonight. See you then”

Aside from running this one errand to the lawyer’s office and hospital, I’d spent the day sitting at a park by the water. There were mostly family’s there and the odd elderly couple, so I didn’t worry about who saw me. I sat on the swings, kicking off my shoes and digging my feet into the sand. Now with all the music, I drove back to the same place to look at some of it.

I stuck my hand into one of the bags, grabbing the spine. It was oddly light at first but then I realized it wasn’t a binder. It was her journal.

“You’re really something” I whispered, beginning to walk towards the vacant swings

Mae Hye Su had left me her memories. I almost felt wrong to be allowed to read it though, it was some private. Her secrets and real feelings were in here, and those were that way for a reason. I opened the cover to see my own little note that I’d put in there, reminding her who she was. It was painful thinking of those times. Then I noticed another note tucked behind.

It was addressed to me from Hye, dated three days ago.

I unfolded the fresh paper with jittering hands, nervous for what she had written. Would it be a break up letter, a last request? I didn’t know what to expect, we’d only spoken over the phone while I was travelling. Her voice sang the words in my imagination,
 

-
Dear Jaejoong,

Today is my last time being Mae Hye Su, that shy and timid composer you hired over dinner. Please forget me, but remember her. That’s who loves you, not Heidi.

All the memories I have are of you, how wonderful you made me feel everyday. Right now I am still wearing our ring and smiling at the thought of you. I should've told you more that I love you.

So find another type of happiness,  you promised me remember. I know you can move on, that I can move on, Pain is inevitable in life but misery is not. The struggle we had, I appreciate it because it made us better. Now that our relationship has taught enough lessons, it’s time for you to move on.

I’m going to tell you once more. I love you.

Forever and always yours,

Miss Mae Hye Su
-

Tears splashed onto the paper, staining the paper a gray colour. I sat motionless while gripping onto the swings’ chain tightly.

“Ajhussi. Can we play on it?”

A little boy no older than 7 waved his hands in front of me. By his side was a girl around the same age holding on to his hand.

“Neh; go ahead” I weakly smiled, sliding off the seat for them.

“Thank you very much” he chimed back, dragging behind him his friend.
I made my way over to a lone bench close by, watching the two children play. The boy had gotten it for the girl, and was pushing her on the swing. Their laughs could be heard clearly,

“Hyuk-oppa! Higher!”

“You’re heavy, you subok”

“Ani! Don’t call me a watermelon”

So innocent, so carefree. Wasn’t that like my relationship? I was the child, pretending nothing was wrong or could go wrong. It didn’t matter anymore because I’d lost her. I wrung my hands thinking about all that I could've done to make her better. A trip back to her American home, maybe another JYJ concert, or watching some filming of Codename:Jackal.

I felt her death was my fault. I know it was her choice, but I can’t help but feel I drove her tp that point. We had decided to be in a relationship, so she felt that I needed protecting. Protecting was suppose to be my job, not hers.

“I’ll tell you once more. I love you” I whispered into the wind, completely alone here

I’ll find happiness Hye, but not with someone else. I’m forever and always yours too.