Jaejoong's Perspective 

Saturday night and I was finally back in Korea after promotions in Japan and America.  Junsu and Yoochun insisted that we just go rest up but I came here to the hospital instead. I managed to convince Chun to come with me though. I knew that Heidi had become a fan of the old drama Rooftop Prince while we were gone, and also of my drama Dr. Jin, so maybe seeing us together could connect the dots.

I'm not giving up on her.

"Thanks for coming Yoochun" I signed us in as visitors at the front desk, "Maybe after being away for so long, seeing both of us will make it all comeback again”

"We've been gone for 3 months and  she's been in the hospital for over a year. You're still trying..." sighed Yoochun

We strolled down the stark white hall -the locked ward for  Alzhiemer's patients- heading for the last room which was Hye's. I looked him in the eyes, wishing he could understand how I felt,

"There is a 10% chance of rain, and I brought my umbrella. There is a 1% chance that Hye Su will remember me  and came here first thing. I’m an optimist "

I stopped about 3 rooms away, finding that my feet  were unwilling to move,

"She is the woman I want to spend the rest my life with"

Now just meters away from Hye Su's room, Devoney came bustling down the hallway towards us. Yoochun at first thought she had recognized us but i assured him she just worked here. Then I punched him for wanting her number.

"Hey Dev. It's gr-"

"You can't see her today"

I was surprised how quickly she jumped in, reaching for the key pad. She suddenly swiped a key card through the panel, disabling it completely.

"Is she not feeling well? Tired?" I asked, wanting to even see the back of her head after months.

"You can't see her today" she repeated in a monotone

"Why not" I inquired , seeing that even the two mirror was out

Suddenly Devoney began to get teary eyed, the red veins in her eyes becoming more and more obvious. She tightly held piles of papers and a tablet against her chest as if trying to keep her body together. Her hands were gripping them so tightly, that the skin was almost white. She quietly spoke,

"I'm so sorry Jaejoong"

No.

“Let me in. Let me see her!”  I beat on the door, shouting,“Hye Su! I’m right here! Darling, jagi! It’s me!”

Yoochun pulled me away, cuffing my wrists with his hands. I struggled against him, wanting to barge in and save her. Why couldn’t I see her? What was wrong?

“S-she isn’t in a good enough condition to see you”  stuttered Devoney 

My voice raised to an even higher volume as I screamed at her,

“What’s going on! Just tell me why I can’t be with her!”

Devoney shook out of fear, unsure what to do. She gathered her courage and as calmly as possible answered me,

“She’s dying”

There was no point in being held back because I was on the ground. My knees had crashed down as did my world. How could this be happening, the surgery was suppose to let her live. Her memory was the price, but she could still live. We could be together, I could still take care of her unlike these people apparently!  

"Jaejoong, please calm down" strongly said Devoney

I bolted up, my voice once again becoming a yell

"Really? You tell me that my girlfriend is dying and expect me to stay calm!" 

"Dying, not dead?” muttered Yoochun,

Devoney nodded her head, sullen  

"Any moment now. I’m sorry that you came at this time"

"Then do something! There’s still a chance, so save her!" I pleaded

"I don't have that kind of power. Only Hye Su herself does" she replied

I froze. Yoochun stood behind me, ready to hold me back if I lost it again,

"What do you mean?"

“You must understand this was her choice” Devoney backed away slightly, preparing for my reaction, “Euthanasia”

Death was uncontrollable, it happened when it happened. Choosing to die, when you could live though... How could she do that. 

"She's not mentally stable enough to make that decision. We've been together for ove two years now, let me over write it, let her live" I begged

"It's much more complicated. Putting it bluntly, she's been ready to die ever since she came to us" she expanded, eyeing the door to Hye Su's room .

Devoney insisted that we sit down to talk about this. I on the other hand wanted to find Hye Su, and get her out of here. If these people wouldn't keep her alive, on my own I would. Yoochun though reasoned with me, and so we headed to a close by common area with seating. I stood up anyways, too on edge to do otherwise. She explained to us the situation, sparing the details for my sake 

"Before being admitted to the hospital Hye Su contacted Dr. Jung to discuss her condition with him more thoroughly, compared to thel weekly appointments. She arranged with him a contract that stated if there was no improvement in a year after being admitted, that she wanted euthanasia. Her request wasn't negotiable, because she is well over 19 and has been taken off her family register"

"But we're her family" said Yoochun

She shook her head with a sigh like we were children,

"Not legally"

"When did she decide this" I asked, pacing at a less rapid speed

"About two years ago. It was signed May 19, making the terms active" answered Devoney

Two years ago, on May 19... That was one day after we made love for the first time, when we got together. I was in Japan the 19th, so that's why I didn't know. I just waltzed back into life like nothing had changed. Little did I know though, everything had changed. She'd decided our future without me.

“Please; I need to see her” I turned to look Devoney straight on, my eyes piercing her defensive look, “Where is she?”

Of course, she said no,

“I can’t allow that. The contract specifically stat-”

“Screw that! Screw whatever that thing says!  I want to see her face, even if it is for the last time” I pounded my fists on the wall, beyond frustrated, “Do you know what it’s like to be in love with someone like that? A person who’s irreplaceable, who you would do anything for, be anything for?”

Devoney checked her watch and sighed. She looked to Yoochun and flicked her chin up, implying he should get a move on.

“The room will be open; 5561”

I was entering those numbers into the keypad before she could take them back.

“Stop! Heidi, Hye, it’ll be ok! I-”

The room was empty. Her bed was made, the piano stool was tucked in, and the table had not even a scrap of paper on it.  There wasn't anything here that implied a person lived here full time. 

I ripped off the clipboard with all her charts and information on it from the wall beside the door. Pages flew by as I searched for something that would answer my questions, tell me where she’d been taken. Then I found it, on the second last page, a note written in sloppy handwriting

Prepare room for new patient. They will be admitted the immediately after Miss Mae has left at 11 pm.

It was 11:09. Yoochun and I had arrived about 10:55. She had still been alive while I was here.

I couldv'e told her I loved her. 

“W-why... I love you.  You knew that. Why, why...” I  breathed, slapping the papers back together and on to the clipboard.

Instinctively I kneeled at the bed, like how I would watching her rest and hoping she’d remember. This was last reminder I had of her, an empty room. Tears streamed down my face as I struggled to accept what had happened. My head was on top of the bed, too heavy to lift up being filed with grief, abandonment, and loneliness. Most of all, it was filled with denial. She couldn’t be dead. 

“And no, I don’t know what it’s like to have love like that”

Devoney stood in the doorway, looking down at me with a pitiful expression. In tow was Yoochun, looking quite blank. Tightly I clutched the journal, as if it was Hye Su herself. The memories I had to keep, we could be together then.

“We need to go hyung” Yoochun strode into the room, patting me on the back , “I’m sorry ”

I kept my eyes stuck to the floral pattern of the blanket, knowing that if I looked up right now there’d be tears. A few moments later, and I blinked them back. Yoochun and I left the hospital in silence.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

"Hye Su; are you ready?" 

I was about to leave my life behind. It wasn't like it was of the best quality anymore. Mae Hye Su wouldn't be remembered, nont even by Jaejoong. I didn't want him to live with the memories, since they taught us nothing but how to pretend we're ok. So was I ready? I had to be, I'd made a deal. 

I nodded to Dr. Jung, 

"Yes; I'm ready" 

Leaving as Hye Su and not Heidi was comforting. I was going to be myself as I left this life, wasn't that the best way? All that I could think of was not of my future, or what would happen, but Jaejoong. 

"Do you think he's angry with me" I muttered

Dr. Jung shook his head with a sigh, 

"How could he be. He loves you too much" 

"I'm just angry at myself then" I played with my ring, scratching my nail across the engraving, "How I couldn't be the women he wanted" 

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You were the perfect women for him" he comforted, backing out of the door to see what Devoney was up to. 

Now alone, I began to cry. My hand felt like it was made of steel, the ring weighing so much more than ever. I remember when Jaejoong had given it to me, how he'd brought balloons and when they popped the ring came out. It was when I used to be a writer, before the hospitalization. That all felt so long ago as I stared at the gold band.

"Jaejoong... I wish you were here. One last time, so I could tell you how happy you made me, how I love you. Even just to see your face or smile" I breathed, getting more and more nervous for when Dr. Jung would return.

"One day, we'll meet again" I wiped my eyes, sniffling loudly, "And I can tell you those things"

There was a commotion down the hall in the locked ward; it was very noisy. I heard screams from a man and attempts to calm him down from a woman. The patient must be experienceing a lapse. Distinctively I could hear demands like, "Let me in! Let me see her!". The poor man, probably living in some past memory where his wife was alive and well, and couldn't understand that she'd passed away.  

I waited anxiously for when Dr. Jung and Devoney would come, because that'd mean it's time to go. The hands on the stark white clock slugged by. 

It was 11:09. I was still thinking about the balloons Jaejoong had given me.