mini/ep ∞  donghae

I hated Changmin before I knew about him.

I didn’t know, of course, at the time. But the feeling of hate felt inevitable the moment I laid eyes on her. I’m the type of person who liked to win. I thought, whoever knew this girl – whoever smiled with her, laughed with her, cried with her…   whoever it was that loved her before I did – that person I hated for being there first. Because she was special. Yoona was special.

I met her at the best time. Before her, I had begun to feel like I was going nowhere… and she pulled me back. With her smile and the way her eyes twinkled in mischief as we waltzed through that first date. It was perfect. I’m indebted to Sooyoung. I found something – someone to live for. I smiled and laughed more now when I am with her than when I hadn’t known about her. Things were going well between her and I – it was paradise when I thought about her out in the world, being my girlfriend. Yoona made me happy. I felt like I had won something...

But she still held me in arms length. Her smiles still never reached her eyes enough. It wasn’t as perfect as I thought. And I didn’t like losing.

I hated Changmin when Kibum told us that story.

The day I met her best friend was the moment I was hoping for awhile. Meeting her parents would be too soon, and so her best friend was the next best thing – and I got to that point. I was ecstatic. Unfortunately, I celebrated too early and that story came out. I’m a great pretender, smiling and joking my way through my grief – but I saw that surprised look on her face, the soft cloud running over her features as the words sunk in. Someone had loved her –really loved her - before I did.

I touched her hand and she smiled in response. The look is still there, except it’s transformed to something deeper. I hide the uneasiness I begin to feel behind a well-placed joke.

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