When I opened my eyes, I stared at the ceiling. I wasn't all that surprised at finding myself in the hospital again. Surprise was probably the last thing that I could feel, if I could feel anything at all.

The dark hole that had swallowed me up for a while after my brother's death was returning; I could sense it creeping up on me. I was numb, emotionless. I had been like this a long time ago, but my parents and friends had managed to bring me up out of it. Now I was going back.

My parents recognized it the instant they walked into the room with Jaehyung veins them; my mom's hand flew to .

"I remember," was all I said. My eyes traveled to the window and I looked blankly outside.

When Yonghwa came to visit, he too recognized my blank expression.

The first attack...

I can remember it all.

I still had the scar. Funny how I didn't connect the two dots- the scar and the memory- until now.

The knifes, the blood, my brother's scream, the pain.

The echoing laughter, the leader of the gang's face...

The flashing lights. The sirens. The concerned policemen who rushed me to the hospital.

My brother who disappeared soon after.

They had come to us, seeking my brother. They wanted him to join their gang. Apparently they had noticed him during one of our trips to Korea and traced him all the way to our house in America. 

I could remember it all. The feeling of desperation was back. The feeling of helplessness, of anger, of fear. And then nothing. My ability to feel had been stripped away once more, leaving behind an empty shell of a person.

"Are you okay?" Yonghwa was extremely worried; I could see it on his face.

I nodded mutely. He knew I was lying.

"Oppa," was the only word I would say.

My hatred for gangsters came back swinging, now that I could remember. I ignored Jaehyung every time he came to visit, which left him with a sad expression, but I couldn't help it. Every time I saw his face, I could feel that knife plunging into my side, and I could taste the blood in my mouth from me being beaten over and over.

I stayed in the hospital for a while since the doctors were concerned about my mental state. Seohyun, Hyuna, Jessica, Yonghwa, Kikwang, and Seungho visited often. They knew what was happening to me. They had seen me in this state before, and it scared them.

It scared me.

I was scaring myself.

I didn't want to enter into this black hole again, but holding onto the light was becoming increasingly hard.

"Kaina," Jaehyung would whisper. "Forgive me."

I refused to listen. He was one of them, was he not?

But Jaehyung... I remembered his smile, his laughter.

As he continued visiting me, not giving up on me, I slowly let the walls come down again. My hatred for gangsters... I would make an exception for Jaehyung. It would take time, but I can do it.

I hate seeing Jaehyung sad. I hate being the reason why he didn't smile. I hate being the reason why all my friends were feeling low.

I will bring myself back, no matter how long it'll take.