That Big Oaktree By the Back Fence
My First Love is You
I spent a lot of time around Sungjae in year four. In english classes, he would purposely walk past where I sat, so that he could stand and talk to me while I continued doing my grammar exercises. "Which exercise are you doing?" he would ask, and everytime, he did not fail to 'coincidentally' pick the same exercise as me. I did not realise that these were signs of interest and liking for me back then as I was young, but thinking about it now makes me smile sometimes.
I regularly left my own group of friends to sit with him during lunch. Sungjae always had kimchi fried rice for lunch. I've tried some; it was delicious. We would chase each other down from the courtyard where we spent the first half of lunch together, all the way to that huge oaktree down that back fence of the school. We would continue chasing each other if we hadn't collapsed yet, and when we have, we would collapse on the soft grass field that would be packed full of daffodils. We rested there till lunch ended, talking about the fun we've had that day, or most of the time, how boring it was. I passed our school the other day, and looked back on that back fence and that oaktree we used to play near. I thought back on all the memories I made with Sungjae in year four, but they were all cut down and destroyed. One day in year four, something happened that I was very shy about; something that probably shouldn't have happened.
We were chasing each other down the playground like usual, but on that particular day, I was really puffed out. We were approaching the back fence, and laughing while chasing each other, when I signalled him that I had to stop. I raised my hand and I felt something soft and squishy. It was then when I realised that I had touched his face - Sungjae's face, which was so perfect and smooth, that feeling that I miss so much nowadays. We were in year four, and we just laughed it off, but from that day on, we didn't feel the same about each other anymore. Not just because I happened to touch his face; the feelings that we had between us had grown, and we knew well enough what these feelings were.
Everyone in our class sees how we act when we're together. They even teased us because they thought we were dating. We just deny it, and playfully act angry at them, but I didn't know what Sungjae thought inside. "Does he like me too?" I would always think to myself. "Even if he did what would I do? Ask him to be my boyfriend?"
Inside, I always thought like that to convince myself that there was no point in developing our relationship further, or to confess my crush to him. But these were only excuses for myself to escape reality, and I knew well enough that reality would hit us soon.
If only I knew, I would think, "because I would've returned my affection to him."
I regularly left my own group of friends to sit with him during lunch. Sungjae always had kimchi fried rice for lunch. I've tried some; it was delicious. We would chase each other down from the courtyard where we spent the first half of lunch together, all the way to that huge oaktree down that back fence of the school. We would continue chasing each other if we hadn't collapsed yet, and when we have, we would collapse on the soft grass field that would be packed full of daffodils. We rested there till lunch ended, talking about the fun we've had that day, or most of the time, how boring it was. I passed our school the other day, and looked back on that back fence and that oaktree we used to play near. I thought back on all the memories I made with Sungjae in year four, but they were all cut down and destroyed. One day in year four, something happened that I was very shy about; something that probably shouldn't have happened.
We were chasing each other down the playground like usual, but on that particular day, I was really puffed out. We were approaching the back fence, and laughing while chasing each other, when I signalled him that I had to stop. I raised my hand and I felt something soft and squishy. It was then when I realised that I had touched his face - Sungjae's face, which was so perfect and smooth, that feeling that I miss so much nowadays. We were in year four, and we just laughed it off, but from that day on, we didn't feel the same about each other anymore. Not just because I happened to touch his face; the feelings that we had between us had grown, and we knew well enough what these feelings were.
Everyone in our class sees how we act when we're together. They even teased us because they thought we were dating. We just deny it, and playfully act angry at them, but I didn't know what Sungjae thought inside. "Does he like me too?" I would always think to myself. "Even if he did what would I do? Ask him to be my boyfriend?"
Inside, I always thought like that to convince myself that there was no point in developing our relationship further, or to confess my crush to him. But these were only excuses for myself to escape reality, and I knew well enough that reality would hit us soon.
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