Asylum
Watching Over You
Crazy.
The world has many uses for this word. It could describe an impractical course of action such as a crazy scheme or a crazy move. It could also mean intense excitement or eagerness to do something. Like being crazy to try a new outfit, or shopping like crazy all afternoon. You could also express your infatuation with something by saying you're crazy about it. Like being crazy about a really good song. Or a new ice cream flavor. Or the beautiful girl that moved next door.
But the world forgot how fearsome this word could be.
How it could induce panic, terror and fright when used to describe a person.
A crazy person.
Deranged.
Demented.
Insane.
Seunghyun looked out the car window. They were about to reach their destination. The city hospital was just ahead and instead of wondering what kind of tests the doctors will do or what kind of drugs they would give him, he finds himself reliving the most horrible second of his life. The second when Jiyong died and left this world, the moment when the person he loves the most ceased to lived, ceast to exist.
He would give anything to see Jiyong again, hear his melodious laugh, feel his warmth and just be with him. He would do anything to take back that one second when Jiyong left. He would glady trade the remaining years of his life for one more second with Jiyong.
For just one more second.
But he knew in his heart that Jiyong was gone and could never return. Knowing this, Seunghyun sunk deeper into the depths of despair. He continued to gaze blankly at the rear view mirror, unable to shift his gaze away from the white building. Only when it was out of his view that Seunghyun noticed something was wrong.
"What's going on? Where are we going?"
Even though no one in the car spoke, the answer was clear to Seunghyun.
They looked at him like he was crazy.
-=oOo=-
Jiyong watched the car pull over at the sanatorium. It was a private institution at the border of the city. It was isolated - hidden from the view of persistent media and the curious public. The modern facility looked so foreign from the scenery of old trees and ponds that surrounded it. The atmosphere was eerie, almost as if you could feel the insanity seeping through the walls, as if the madness was a thick fog that could choke you.
Why were they bringing Seunghyun here. Certainly, they would not think that Seunghyun had gone insane?
Would they?
He looked at Seunghyun as he slowly made his way out of the vehicle. He looked so tired, so exhausted, so weak. It looks as if he did not have the strength to fight anymore, nor the will to carry on longer. It appears that the betrayal from his mother and Hyun Suk's had crushed what was left of Seunghyun's fortitude.
Jiyong watched as Seunghyun walked inside without a murmur of protest. To Jiyong, Seunghyun seemed to welcome the suffering and pain that would follow.
If it was possible for a spirit to have a heart, then Jiyong's would have been in pieces. If tears could form, no well would be too deep to contain it. If he could die a second time, he would wish it. Just so he could not see Seunghyun go through this terrible pain.
He must do something.
But this existence did not permit him to do anything. This existence reminds Jiyong how helpless he is, how useless he is. There were times when he had wanted to touch Seunghyun, to wipe his tears and comfort him. When Seunghyun slept, he wanted to embrace him, give him warmth no blanket could provide. He had felt most helpless when he wanted to pull Seunghyun back to safety from that ledge but he couldn't. He wanted to save Seunghyun but being in this existence was like being nothing. Not even like air that you can't see but feel, nor like light that you can't touch but see.
It was like being nothing.
He was nothing.
"I'm sorry Seunghyun..." Jiyong told him, relinquishing to the knowledge that even at the end, he could not even help ease the pain of his beloved. "I'm sorry..." he continued to apologize, knowing all well that even his apology could not be heard.
No matter how he wished it, no matter how he willed it, he would never be able to reach Seunghyun. At this point, all Jiyong could do was to regret the selfish life he lived, and wish that he could have spent every second of it making Seunghyun happy because this man deserves all the happiness he could give, all the happiness in the world and more. So much more.
"Jiyong?"
Jiyong was caught in surprise. He looked at Seunghyun who had stopped at the door.
Seunghyun was looking up at him.
-=oOo=-
Jiyong could not believe what he was seeing. Seunghyun had stopped from walking to look back at him.
To look at him.
Seunghyun was looking straight into his eyes as if he was there. Seunghyun was not looking past him, his gaze was upon him as if he was really there, as if he was visible, as if he actually existed.
"What's wrong?" the doctor asked, waiting for Seunghyun to enter.
"I thought-" Seunghyun continued to look straight at him. "I thought I heard Jiyong."
"Jiyong?" the doctor asked. Jiyong could see the doctor write his name in the clipboard he was holding.
"Nevermind." Seunghyun answered.
Jiyong remained speechless as he followed Seunghyun inside. The doctor was now discussing the cognitive testing processes to Seunghyun and was preparing him for brain imaging.
What was that?
Jiyong still could not believe what just happened. Seunghyun looked at him. Seunghyun even said that he heard him speak.
Could it be?
"Seunghyun." Jiyong simply spoke. He did not want to for the past few minutes. He did not want to know whether Seunghyun could really hear him. He held too tightly to that tiny hope that Seunghyun could. He did not want to crush this hope by finding out that Seunghyun couldn't.
Seunghyun had his eyes closed as the doctors collected blood samples from his arm. Without a second passing from when Jiyong called him, Seunghyun opened his eyes to look straight at him.
"Oh my god." Jiyong said in a whisper, covering his mouth with both his hands. "Hyung, can you - hear me?" he asked cautiously.
Seunghyun smiled.
Jiyong felt like crying.
Seunghyun heard him.
Seunghyun can hear him.
Seunghyun can see him.
Jiyong opened his mouth to speak again but couldn't decide what to say. He wanted to say so many things.
He wanted to apologize for every mistake he made against Seunghyun. For that time when he turned his head away when Seunghyun tried to kiss him, when he said that he was too tired from work for cuddling and making love. For that time when he spent his day off with his other friends because the photoshoot where Seunghyun invited him was too far. For being too demanding, always asking for his time, asking for gifts and always receiving yet not giving. For all those times where he took Seunghyun's love for granted. For all those times where he took Seunghyun for granted.
He wanted to say the things he couldn't before. Things that he was too shy, too embarrased, too afraid to say. Like saying a simple thank you. He had never really thanked Seunghyun. The life he led was proud and insolent; he was the high and mighty G-Dragon. But loving Seunghyun had taught him on how to be dependent, how to be grateful, how to be thankful. He felt it in his heart and he knows Seunghyun knew how he feels. He wrote about it in his notebook, he sang it in his songs, but he never really had the chance to say it outloud face to face. How he wished he could have.
He wanted to cheer him up and tell him everything will be alright. Tell Seunghyun to not blame himself for the tragedy. Tell him that his death is not the end. That Jiyong would wait until the end of the world, for the time when life and death no longer separates them. He wanted to tell him that he should not be sad that he was gone, because it will only be for a little while. Because surely, a time will come when they will be together again.
"I miss you."
Seunghyun mouthed soundlessly to him. His eyes softening and smiling as he did.
Jiyong could hear himself crying. Once again, he failed to say all those things he wanted. Even when fate gives him a second chance, even when it was possible for a dead man's voice to transcend the realm of the living, he couldn't say anything.
But their love never really needed words.
Seunghyun continued to smile at him.
Jiyong smiled back.
For once in this pitiful existence, Jiyong felt alive again. He didn't really need to be breathing to be with Seunghyun. Even as a spirit, as a ghost, he is able to be with Seunghyun. He would be content to stay in this form if it meant being with him.
Thankful.
Jiyong was really thankful.
"Who are you talking to?" The doctor asked Seunghyun concernedly.
The smile in Jiyong's face disappeared. Of course, Seunghyun could see him. There was no proof that others could though.
"There is nobody there."
Jiyong knew the what that look from the doctor meant. That sad sigh and worried glance could only mean one thing. It was that look you have when you realize your worst fear is happening, when you realize worst nightmare is coming true. The doctors were convinced.
Seunghyun was crazy.
"What do you see?" the doctor asked.
Seunghyun looked at the doctor. Jiyong had never seen Seunghyun with such a confused face. It looks as if he was also convinced that he had gone crazy but didn't want to believe it.
Seunghyun turned his head to Jiyong's direction once again. "Jiyong." he answered.
"Your friend?" The doctor turned to his direction too. "What is he doing?"
"He's watching us. Listening." Seunghyun answered. Without warning, tears started to fall from his eyes. "Is he real?"
Seunghyun was torn. His head was telling him that this Jiyong wasn't real. That the Jiyong he sees is just a figment of his imagination. This Jiyong was a hallucination, a mirage in this desert of a miserable world, a product of fatigue and exhaustion. This Jiyong was a creation in his head, his mind playing tricks on him.
"No Seunghyun!" Jiyong shouted. "I'm real. I'm really here. It's really me!"
Seunghyun looked at him skeptically, doubting himself.
"Seunghyun my love you're not crazy..." Jiyong tried to convince him. "Please believe in me Seunghyun. Don't believe in what he says. I'm real. It's me. Please believe in me..."
"I know this is hard to accept." The doctor told Seunghyun. "But Jiyong is not there. He's not real. You are hallucinating."
"What the ?!" Jiyong cursed at the doctor. "Even if you can't see me, it doesn't mean that I'm not real! Seunghyun, you can feel it right? It's really me!"
Seunghyun didn't answer.
"Jiyong might be saying things that you think is good. You are hearing things that you would like to hear. He will convince you to do things. Dangerous things. Promise me you won't listen to him."
Seunghyun closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Jiyong did not like to see Seunghyun suffering like this. "You're not crazy Seunghyun." Jiyong told him.
Seunghyun exhaled slowly and opened his eyes. "I'm not crazy." he said to himself, coming to his own conclusion that he had not gone insane. "I'm not crazy" he repeated with his voice slightly rising, directing it to the mirrored wall, fully aware that there are people on the other side and that they could see and hear them.
"I'm not crazy." he firmly repeated, conviction in his eyes.
Jiyong could see the panic in Seunghyun's face when a male nurse entered the room. The atmospehere of the room suddenly changed. Jiyong could already foresee how bad this situation was going to be.
"You need help Seunghyun." The doctor didn't pay attention to what he said and just continued scribbling in his clipboard. "You might need to stay here for a while until you get better."
Seunghyun glanced at the chart the doctor was holding. "What do you mean by in-patient?" Seunghyun asked as he saw the inverted letters, his voice starting to increase in volume. "Involuntary hospitalization? What is that?"
"Seunghyun calm down."
"I. AM. CALM." Seunghyun spelled.
"There is no need for anger. I don't want to put you down."
"Put me down? What the hell?!" Seunghyun grabbed the chart the doctor was holding and looked at it reading the doctors notes. He did not like them.
Jiyong could not believe how ugly things turned out in a span of seconds.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Seunghyun shouted when the male nurse rushed to him and held his hands. "LET GO OF ME!"
"Violence will not help you."
"I'm violent now? I didn't even try to hit you! Why are you restraining me?!" Seunghyun shouted at him. "How could I not be angry when you all treat me like I'm a crazy person?!"
"Do you think you are not crazy? You believe your actions are normal? You believe standing on top a building for two hours is normal? Seeing your dead friend Jiyong is normal?"
"I'M. NOT. CRAZY." Seunghyun sputtered the words one by one. "My head is a mess and I need time to be alone and grieve. You think that's not normal, for me to be sad because I lost someone I loved and cared about?"
"Is that why you wanted to commit suicide? You can tell me Seunghyun, I'm here to help you."
"I'M NOT SUICIDAL!" Seunghyun screamed while he struggled to be free. Jiyong could tell the doctor was using some kind of psychotherapy on Seunghyun. Seunghyun avoided his question becuase he knew the doctor would make him recall things, things too hurtful to remember. Things about Jiyong.
"Is it because of the guilt you feel? For not stopping your friend like what you said before? Is that why you were sorry?"
Jiyong looked at Seunghyun's stunned face. It looked like he did not expect to hear that. Seunghyun could not answer.
"You said you were sorry for not stopping him. Whatever guilt you feelt is misplaced. No one is blaming you for Jiyong's death. That is why you could see his projection, you have unresolved issues with him."
"Don't you dare say Jiyong's name again. What gives you the right to use him to make me do what you want. I swear-"
"Are you going to hit me? They told me you almost hit another doctor abroad. Your guilt has spurred anger and I'm telling you that violence cannot help you." The doctor reached under his desk. He took out a syringe and a bottle of an unknown liquid. "The first step to be able to move forward is to accept that fact Seunghyun. Your family has given me consent to use whatever methods necessary to treat you. If you will calm down, this does not have to be difficult."
"THE FIRST STEP IS FOR YOU TO REALIZE THAT I'M NOT CRAZY. THEN I'LL CALM DOWN!" Seunghyun was still trying to free himself. By this time, another nurse came in to restrict him.
Seunghyun laughed. Jiyong couldn't deny that he sounded like a lunatic.
"What are we doing here? Are you sure I'm the one who's crazy? 'Cause you're all acting like it." Seunghyun continued to laugh. The doctor's face didn't change much at his remark. He still looked at him like he could go wild any second.
Seunghyun reviewed his options. He suddenly stopped struggling and finally gave up. "There. I'm calm okay? I'm sorry I messed with your clipboard. I'm fine now, could you please let me go?"
"You can't bargain with me Seunghyun. It does not work like that."
Seunghyun's fuse blew. He did what the doctor asked and calmed himself down. He even lowered his pride and apologized for the damn clipboard. He even said the magic word just so they would let him go. But they kept insisting he was crazy.
He had enough.
I'll show you who's crazy.
Without warning, Seunghyun slipped from the nurses' hold and freed himself. Seunghyun used whatever ounce of strength he had
left to outrun them. He ran past the corridor, the stairs and was at the lobby in a minute. He could see the exit and ran for his life. All he thought about was getting away but soon after he heard an alarm and red lights came flashing in his direction. The next thing he felt was a prick in his arm. He slowed down as his legs suddenly felt numb and he fell to side as his body grew weak all over.
Jiyong could only watch as Seunghyun was shot like an animal and put on an hospital table where a doctor examined him again. Soon after, he was settled down in a bed in the corner of a white room padded by foam.
He had to do something.
Before Seunghyun really becomes what Jiyong fears him to be.
Crazy.
-=oOo=-
"Seunghyun...Wake up Seunghyun..."
Seunghyun slowly opened his eyes. He blinked furiously, thinking it was a miracle he was able to sleep with this much light on. He was in a large white room, identifing it to the rooms where you would put crazy people because they were dangerous.
This was what he wanted to avoid. Being treated like he was a disease, something harmful and contagious. There was no need for other people to fear him. He wasn't suicidal, he would not hurt himself. More importantly, he would not hurt other people. Why couldn't other people understand that? That the reason for this behavior was the hurt he feels from losing Jiyong. Why couldn't they understand how much he loves Jiyong and how hurt he is now that Jiyong was gone?
But that didn't matter anymore.
"Ji!"
Seunghyun called to Jiyong, turning his head left and right to look for him. He didn't mind that he had gone crazy. If it meant having Jiyong around, having to listen to his voice, see him smile, hear his laugh, he'd trade all of his sense of reason. For just one more second with Jiyong, he would trade all of his sanity.
For just one more second.
"Seunghyun..."
Jiyong called to him so sweetly that Seunghyun couldn't help but smile. "Hey..." Seunghyun greeted. He knew he must look so stupid to the outside world, smiling and talking to the wall.
Seunghyun didn't care.
"I really, really, really miss you." he stretched his hands to touch his face but it fell on empty space.
Jiyong laughed.
"Take me away from here Ji. I don't want to be here." Seunghyun pleaded. He didn't want to be stuck in this white room. He didn't want to be in this godforsaken hospital. He didn't want to be in this world without Jiyong. He didn't want to be in this form where he couldn't touch him.
"Take me with you Ji."
"Shhh..."
Seunghyun could feel himself drifting in sleep again while Jiyong hummed him a lullaby, relaxing every troubled part of his body and soul. He closed his eyes.
"You have to let me go for now."
Seunghyun put his palms on his face. "Why?" he asked sadly.
"Trust me."
Seunghyun didn't want to. But he could never say no to Jiyong. Jiyong had left him twice but he returned. Seunghyun knew, surely, Jiyong would come back.
"Okay."
Seunghyun opened his eyes to find Jiyong gone. Instead, he finds Jiyong's mother standing on the open door.
Something familiar was in her hands.
Jiyong's notebook.
TBC
A/N: Comments are highly appreciated! Thank you for reading!
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