The Notebook
Watching Over You
Trust me.
"Hi Seunghyun."
Seunghyun just stared at the woman at the door. For the past few hours he had been convincing himself that he's not crazy. Even when he saw and heard the dead Jiyong, he believed he was sane. But now, Jiyong's mother was there in front of him, looking tired and sleepy but smiling sweetly nonetheless. Such a warm and pleasant looking person looked so alien in this hellhole.
Had he gone crazy after all?
"Ajumoni." Seunghyun stood up and bowed to greet her. "I- ah..." he tried to speak, tried to explain the situation he's in right now but he didn't know what to say. How could you make them understand you? What words would make them believe you? Where would you start?
"How are you?" she asked.
"I'm fine." he answered for politeness sake. He unconsciously fixed his shirt and hair while Mrs. Kwon's eyes examined the room, the bed, his clothes, his face. Seunghyun could see the disapproval in her eyes. He must have looked so miserable and pathetic.
"Would you like to come with me?"
Seunghyun didn't hesistate. "Okay." he answered as he nodded, walking hurriedly out of the room. Whatever reason she had for her to do this, Seunghyun didn't need to hear right now. What he wanted most was to get out of this place; he would ask his questions later.
She had two men with her. One, Seunghyun assumed, was her driver. The other, seemed to be the person who helped her with this breakout. He thought for a moment what kind of connections this sweet lady had to make this kind of thing possible. That thought was brushed away quickly as Mrs. Kwon gave him a light pat at the back, as if congratulating him for making the right decision.
Seunghyun couldn't help but be paranoid as they roamed the corridors. He kept looking at the cameras, checking his back and the corners. He had been shot with a drug the last time he tried to escape. He's not too eager to experience it again.
They stopped by a room with a table and a box on top. "Grab your things and let's go." Mrs. Kwon waited outside the room as he went in. He found his clothes and changed into them. He checked his phone - it was dead. He shoved it deep in his coatpocket along with his sunglasses and tied his shoes after. He was about to put on his bracelet and ring when he heard Mrs. Kwon knock. "Are you done?"
Feeling a little apologetic for being too slow to dress himself - he had always been notorious for that - Seunghyun just pocketed the rest of his jewelry and quickly went out the room. Mrs. Kwon stared at him once he got out, eyeing him from head to foot. She seemed more satisfied now, once Seunghyun was in his normal clothes. "I'm sorry." Seunghyun apologized.
Mrs. Kwon just smiled at him and they continued to walk out. Seunghyun had lost his paranoia once he was out of his hospital clothes and just casually walked outside. Surprisingly, they didn't encounter any obstacle and was at the exit, parking lot, and inside the car in no time.
Seunghyun finds himself staring at the rear view mirror for the second time that day to look a another white building and wait for it to disappear in his sight. He inhaled deeply and sighed in relief. Now that the nightmare was behind him, Seunghyun was suddenly fully aware that he was alone with Jiyong's mother in the car. He sat up straight and tried to fix himself once more. He looked at her in the corner of his eyes. Mrs. Kwon just sat beside him, silent as she looked outside the window.
Seunghyun felt it was rude to ask why was she doing this. She had helped him after all and for that he was eternally grateful.
"I'm sorry this is all I have." she handed him a box of choco pies. It was already half empty. "I'll cook you decent food once we arrive."
"Thank you." Seunghyun smiled to her, his first since they saw each other. He hadn't eaten anything since Jiyong's death and he would never turn down food now, especially chocolate coated marshmallows and biscuits. He gladly accepted the snack, opening one expectantly and staring at the food in childlike wonder before sinking his teeth into it. He his lips and chewed silently, a smile never disappearing in his face.
God. Choco pies never tasted so good.
He was about to open another pack when he noticed that Mrs. Kwon was staring at him intently. She had been ever since she handed the box to him and he gave her that smile. The look she had on his face was a cross between fascination and stupefaction.
Seunghyun wiped the smile off his face. He couldn't believe he'd embarassed himself in front of Jiyong's mother. Ever since he and Jiyong started their relationship, he felt awkward around Jiyong's family, especially his mother who was very close to him. He cursed himself for acting so childish for his age. Not a very good impression, he thought.
He opened another pack, eating the snack as emotionless as possible so as to not catch Mrs. Kwon's attention. He looked at her from the corner of his eyes again and discovered that she looked at him more intently now, the amazement shown clearly in her face.
"You are..." she stared to speak when she noticed that Seunghyun held his breath as she stared. "...as he wrote you."
Seunghyun's eyes widened in surprise as Mrs. Kwon's hands suddenly reached for his face, her fingers tracing his eyebrow and jawline. Seunghyun couldn't move, even breathe, as she continued to stare.
"My son." Mrs. Kwon put down her hand, now tightly grasping a notebook she had been carrying. She finally shifted her gaze from Seunghyun to stare lovingly at the notebook. "He wrote about you."
Seunghyun looked at the tattered notebook in Mrs. Kwon's hands. Truly, he had seen this notebook with Jiyong many times before. Recently, Jiyong used a computer and laptop to write music and lyrics. But you can never take away his habit of just grabbing a pen and scribbling all day.
"Hyunnie, do you have a pen?" Jiyong sat in his front of his computer, massaged his temples and looked up to Seunghyun who just entered the room. Seunghyun seached his pockets. He stooped low to hug Jiyong from behind, burying his face in the crook of the younger man's neck.
"It's black though." Seunghyun said as he looked at the pages stained in blue ink. Jiyong was such a neat person that it even reflected in his writing. He crossed out his mistakes neatly and inserted words here and there nicely. Much unlike him.
"That's okay." Jiyong grabbed the pen and continued writing. It looked like his head was full of ideas as he wrote fast, quickly filling in the page's lines. "Want to see it?"
"You'd let me read it?" Seunghyun asked as he hugged Jiyong more tightly to show that he was touched that Jiyong would let him see it. As composers and lyricists for Bigbang, it was not unsual for them to share their work and ask each other's opinions. But there were those times where you keep the music to yourself. It's usually the song in its first stages - because it was too awful and embarassing for others to hear.
"Yeah. For your eyes only."
Seunghyun kissed Jiyong's neck in gratuity. "Its alright. I don't want to pressure you." Even though they were in a relationship, he still respected Jiyong's privacy. He let him go out with his other friends, let him wear what he wants and drink at parties. All Seunghyun asks is for Jiyong to be faithful. As long as Jiyong remained devoted to him, he could basically do anything he wants. He wanted to share Jiyong's life, not dominate it.
Seunghyun continued to plant kisses on his neck as Jiyong scribbled cheerfully, laughing a little because it tickled. "No no no, I want you to read it. Really."
"Okay, okay, you're such a bully." Seunghyun messed Jiyong's hair with a hand and let him go. He then laid down the bed to rest. He was a bit disappointed. He wanted to spend the night with Jiyong. They rarely get a day off, more importantly, a day off together. And Jiyong decides to spend it writing and working all night.
Nonetheless, although he dislikes seeing Jiyong working so hard because he looks so tired everytime, he liked seeing him work because Jiyong truly shines when he writes his music. It was Jiyong's first love and he has no intention of taking away what made him fall in love with Jiyong in the first place.
They were quiet for while then "Just stay there and rest hyung." Jiyong stood up suddenly, stretched his arms and rushed out the room. He left his notebook open on the computer table.
"That Jiyong..." Seunghyun scratched his head. Jiyong must have left it there to test him, if he would really read it or not. Seunghyun picked it up and flipped the pages. He then closed it and put it back on the computer table without reading a word. He laid down the bed again and waited for Jiyong to return.
Jiyong returned after an hour. He walked around their building for a few times to get the anxiety off his system. Had Seunghyun finished reading it? What would his reaction be? He wrote his feelings into those pages, feelings too deep to be uttered, too complex to be said. For his fear of being mocked, for his fear of being belittled, he could only express them in the best possible way he knew. He knew his lover so well that he was confident that Seunghyun could read between the lines and figure out that it was his message to him.
They never really needed to speak to one another.
Though, contrary to popular belief, Seunghyun could be very chatty and talkative. He would easily be aroused in a conversation, though only in topics of his interest. He liked recalling moments, imitating voices and storytelling.
But the deeper the feelings Seunghyun felt, the more physical it would become. Jiyong loved that about him. Seunghyun was physical. A "please" could be a smile. A "thank you" could be a hug. "I'm sorry" could be a kiss.
Jiyong loved that about him most. In his mind where love was a abstract thing, where love was a concept, Seunghyun gave it a form, a body. Jiyong could clearly describe love in a set of letters, strings of words, in beats and melodies. People called him a genius at it. He sold multi-platinum albums because of it. His life's career was based on it.
But Jiyong never thought that abstract love could be in physical form.
Not until Seunghyun.
When Jiyong was sick, Seunghyun did not wish him well. He cooked soup, gave him medicine and stayed with him all night until he got better. When it was his birthday, Seunghyun did not greet him. He showered him gifts and took him to nice places all day. When Jiyong was lonely, Seunghyun did not console him with words. He would go to him, use his body to make love to him, to make him feel he was not alone. Seunghyun would be there, not just in thought or spirit but in the flesh, to show him how he loved him.
He knew Seunghyun loved him. Just the thought of it was enough for him. He didn't really need the words. Not even the gestures. Just knowing the fact that Seunghyun loved him was all Jiyong could ask for. But Seunghyun was a man of convention. A man of tradition. Seunghyun believes love stays pure in this way. So Jiyong accepts all the gifts and asks for Seunghyun's time, even if he doesn't need it, to show Seunghyun he accepts his love.
Seunghyun was a man of action. Jiyong was a man of words.
And Jiyong hoped that when Seunghyun reads his notebook, reads his feelings, he'd be able to say how thankful he is to Seunghyun for bringing happiness and purpose to his life.
Jiyong enters his room and finds Seunghyun sleeping soundly on top of the bed. He glances over the computer table and finds that his notebook wasn't in its original position. Seunghyun must have read it.
He sighed in relief. He expected that Seunghyun would wait for him to ask him about the things he wrote in there. But he supposed Seunghyun's eyes were tired and he fell asleep - his notebook was half-filled too. He did not expect this outcome but he was still glad. As long as Seunghyun knew his feelings, it was enough.
He climbed on the bed and curled up beside Seunghyun, laying down in such a way to face him. He stayed at a distance and just watched Seunghyun sleep. He adored his sleeping figure. "Good night" he kissed Seunghyun's cheek before he went to sleep.
Starting that day, Seunghyun would always find that notebook lying around in Jiyong's room. It was as if Jiyong was leaving them around in purpose for him to read. Does Jiyong want him to read it that badly? It was always testing his resilience but Seunghyun never gave in.
Mrs. Kwon handed him the notebook.
This was the final test.
Seunghyun opened the pages, wondering what did Mrs. Kwon mean when she said that he was just as Jiyong wrote him. His hand ghosted over the front cover. It was just a normal notebook, made of paper and held together by looped wires at the side. Nothing too special. He recognized Jiyong's neat handwriting and read the first page.
Seunghyun couldn't help but smile to Mrs. Kwon as he read the lyrics. As expected, Jiyong's writing skills were top of the notch. Seunghyun could imagine a beat in his head and he bobbed his head as he read it, letting himself be immersed in the rhymes and syllables in perfect count.
As he read, he encountered songs about fear, loneliness, letting go, being free and songs about love. He stopped almost midway, when he recognized the blue ink from before. In small, perfectly written letters, the blue title read: How he loved me.
Seunghyun felt his heart jump at the words. He looked at Jiyong's mother and panicked. Had Jiyong's mother read this?
His eyes scanned the page. At the start it gave the impression that a girl was supposed to sing it. Seunghyun's heart beat faster as he read the words line by line, word by word.
Every single one described him.
The shape of his face. The color of his eyes. The angle of his eyebrows. The curve of his lips.
Every part of him described in detail, in exquisite, long metaphors.
How he touched Jiyong. How he held him. How he kissed him.
How his dark eyes held its gaze when they made love. How it felt to have fingers raking in his hair. How his fluid kisses burned skin and flesh. How he made pain and bliss one when they made love.
All precisely expressed with carefully chosen words, romanticizing Seunghyun, his love and everything about him.
At one point of the song, the blue ink started to fade and blank ink was now filling it.
And there was nothing there but Jiyong's declaration of love, worship and thankfulness, in uncharacteristic shaky handwriting in paper stained by ink and tears.
Seunghyun could feel the heat rush to his eyes. He held the tears at bay. Is this what Jiyong wanted him to read?
He turned his head to look at Jiyong's mother. He finally understood the look she gave at the hospital. How she kept staring at him, how she kept examining him closely as if wanting confirmation that he was really the person Jiyong was describing.
He turned his head to look away. He suddenly felt ashamed to face her.
Jiyong's mother had read this notebook. She had read this too. By now she must know he had ual relations with her son. Seunghyun didn't know what to say to her. Jiyong and him kept their relationship a secret. His mother wasn't even supposed to know that Jiyong loved other men. What do you say to a person that you've been lying to all along? How could he even speak to her?
"I will give Jiyong's notebooks to Hyun Suk." Mrs. Kwon broke the silence when she saw Seunghyun's reaction to the things Jiyong's written. "All my son's hard work will not go to waste. He had dedicated most of his life into his work and it would be a shame to keep it from the world he loved so much."
Mrs. Kwon took back the notebook from Seunghyun's frozen hands. She flipped the pages until she found those in the middle, the ones with the black and blue ink. In one swift motion, she tore them from the notebook.
"Sto-" Seunghyun tried to say but he couldn't even finish the word when it was all over.
He didn't want it ruined. He wanted to read it over and over, that song where Jiyong poured all of his soul in. He wanted to treasure that paper with Jiyong's tears, with Jiyong's scent, with Jiyong's soul.
"Please don't." Seunghyun was fast to say it. He bowed his head low. If he could do a full bow he would. "Please let me have it. "
"Only if you promise to keep it safe." Jiyong's mother folded the paper in half before handing it to him.
For your eyes only.
Jiyong's sweet voice echoed in his head.
The tears he kept at bay escaped his eyes. Why did it feel so heavy in his heart?
Was his relationship with Jiyong so foul, so forbidden, so detestable, that it needed to be hidden to the world? Was it so wrong for Jiyong to love him? Was their love so shameful that it made other people feel ashamed and disgusted?
Even Jiyong's mother, the woman who gave birth to the person he most dearly loved, disapproves of their relationship. This woman must hate her with all her being. She must hate the person who stole her son from her.
Then it finally dawned on him.
He did not get a chance to ask her earlier because he was too shocked to wonder why would Jiyong's mother be standing on the door of that white room. Why would she go through all that lenght to get him out of that wretched place. Why would she leave the wake and leave her son's side?
Then he remebered the last time that he saw her. They were in a hospital abroad. She was crying very hard upon knowing her precious son died. The last image of her in Seunghyun's mind was that of her angry eyes when she heard that Seunghyun didn't stop her son even though he knew that platform would collapse.
"We are here."
The car stopped at another siniser looking building. It was the police station and even though it was a busy night, the place was an earsplitting quiet.
Was he as suspect to Jiyong's murder now? Because he knew that the platform would give out? Would they think he planned it, arranged it, because he was the only one who knew it would happen?
It didn't matter. In his heart he knew he was innocent. But if this was what needed to be done to earn the bereaved mother's forgiveness, Seunghyun would not object. It was a small price to pay for his crimes.
"Where's the inspector?" Mrs. Kwon said to the first policeman she bumped into. They were led to a small office. Seunghyun remained speechless and kept his head down. He did not have the courage yet to look at Mrs. Kwon's eyes directly. He sat opposite her and focused his eyes on his shoes.
"Thank you for assisting us with the release inspector." Mrs. Kwon said to the person who just walked in.
Seunghyun was right to think that this person had something to do with his sudden discharge from the hospital.
"Let him see it inspector. So that we can be at peace." Mrs. Kwon told the policeman.
Seunghyun could hear a click of a remote then the sound of a monitor beeping to life. The next thing Seunghyun hears are fans shouting. Seunghyun's head shot upwards at the sound.
A video of their concert was playing.
"Are you ready?" came Jiyong's high pitched yell.
Seunghyun wasn't.
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