He missed his hyung.

Daesung couldn’t help but stare as he watched Seunghyun choom his way off the stage. Seunghyun had that “I don’t care about my image anymore” face. Daesung could see that he was a bit embarrassed but he got the feeling that his hyung was proud of what he did and he enjoyed every single bit of it.

Lately, he had been feeling that Seunghyun had grown distant to him. Sure they still spend time together, they laughed, they talked. They still played like children, talked nonsense and joked around. It was one of the things he was most proud about himself, having the ability to turn his serious and quiet hyung into a lively, noisy and mischievous five year old just by being close to him.

But recently, he had this feeling that they were drifting apart. Although they still talked, there was always something there that was left unsaid. Even when Seunghyun stood beside him, when Seunghyun hugged him, he could feel as though his hyung was avoiding him. He couldn’t explain that feeling. It was as if Seunghyun put up a wall against him. All of a sudden, he couldn’t bring down the guard that he so easily could before. He could feel something happened to his hyung and he really misses the old Seunghyun.

Daesung watched as Seunghyun greeted the fans with a final “I love you” before the lights go out and the curtains close.

He loved his hyung.

Daesung was about to call for Seunghyun but he heard that someone was already calling for the man.

“TOP hyung!!!”

Daesung looked up, to the platform that hung not far from him. Jiyong was screaming Seunghyun’s name using more force than what he would to address a crowd. However, thousands of screaming fans still overpowered it. The sound only reached Daesung, the person closest to him.

“CHOI SEUNGHYUN!” Jiyong continued to shout.

After two more unsuccessful shouts, Daesung could see Jiyong lift his hands in surrender. He was now searching frantically for something in his pockets.

Daesung decided to help Jiyong. And maybe this time, when it was him who’d call, Seunghyun would look.

“TOP hyung!”

Daesung could hear his voice erupt in the whole hall as it mixed with a loud blast followed by erratic buzzing of failing machines.

He crouched low, suddenly alert of his surroundings. Not far from him something hydraulic was spitting out liquid and he could smell oil burning. Sparks flew and smoke was beginning to rise from it. Daesung covered his face with a hand to stop himself from inhaling the acid air. Then he hears wires snapping above. Realizing that something might fall on him, he covered his head with a hand and started to move away.

Something stopped him. The white sparks faintly illuminated a figure sprawled on the floor.

Murderer...

Daesung looked at the body sprawled over. This image was familiar. A cold body lying motionlessly in the dark. He had seen this before.

 The image of death.

He remembers the twisted hood of a black car, shattered glass upon the concrete, the dark highway illuminated by streetlamps and the bright red of a pool of blood that started to grow larger every second.  And like then, his mind went blank. These things, they weren’t supposed to happen. These kinds of things were too preposterous, too unthinkable, and too unimaginable to be really happening.

Yet there he was.

There was Kwon Jiyong lying motionless on the stage. And all Daesung could think about was -

Why? Why? Why?

Daesung ran to him, not minding if the machine would blow up all of a sudden. He needed to check if Jiyong was okay.

Please be okay. Please! Please! Please!

Daesung hears the fans panicking as they exited the hall. The crew was shouting at each other. The lights suddenly . Daesung wanted to call for help but he couldn’t do anything as he saw the twisted body of their leader. He was lying on his side and his head was angled weirdly. Only his fingers were moving. They were shaking.

“Jiyong hyung!” Daesung called out to him. He didn’t dare touch him seeing that his body was in a state so frail that even a slight movement could damage it more. He only managed to kneel in front of him.

“SOMEBODY HELP!” Daesung shouted. It took five seconds before help arrived. This short period was the last moment where Jiyong was conscious. Daesung was the only one there to witness it.

“Oh no...” Daesung said as the shaking suddenly died down. He had never felt more scared in his life, not even from the accident that time. This time it was someone he knew, someone close to him. He could suddenly feel it again, the chill of Death’s breath, the swish of his cloak, the glimmer of his scythe. It was close.

Daesung could feel his own heart ache as Jiyong’s shiny eyes shed a tear. Jiyong’s eyes were the only part of him alive at this point. His body was broken now. Jiyong’s eyes were fixed on him.  It looked as though his eyes were speaking to him.

He knew.

Jiyong knew he was dying.

Jiyong’s eyes shifted from him to his hand. It didn’t made sense how Jiyong was able to move, but his ring finger was moving slightly.

Daesung followed his line of sight and saw a ring resting near Jiyong’s open palm. It was platinum, had a lightly hammered center, bordered by two elegant milgrains of gold with bright polished edges. Jiyong shed another tear while looking at Daesung and back to the ring again. Is he trying to tell him that he dropped this?

Does Jiyong want for him to pick it up?

He hesitated for a millisecond before picking the ring from the floor. It felt heavy in Daesung’s hands. He looked at Jiyong again and they exchanged a short meaningful look before Jiyong closed his eyes.

He would never open them again.

He had shed his last tear.

Daesung could feel a hand push him to the side as the crew came to the rescue. “Step aside!” He could hear them radio for an ambulance. He could see the other members running towards them, only to be stopped by their manager. “Stay away!” he pushed them back.

“What happened?” Daesung could hear Taeyang shout.

“Daesung hyung!” Seungri called to him. “Get away from there, it’s dangerous!”

“Where’s Jiyong”? he heard the frightened Seunghyun ask.

Everything went spiralling down after that.

-=oOo=-

Daesung sat in the farthest chair, in the corner of the hospital lobby. He didn’t want to be in the scene around him. People were either crying or angry.  Only him and Seunghyun were quiet now. Jiyong was under surgery five hours ago and all the waiting drove people to the edge of their patience.

He looked beside him, to Seunghyun. He had his hands clasped together in front of his mouth. He looked like he was deep in thought. After a while, Seunghyun rested his forehead on his hands. He looked so tired and drained. Daesung didn’t like seeing him like this.

“Why...” Seunghyun whispered softly as his forehead creased and eyebrows furrowed. Daesung managed to notice.

Daesung didn’t know why but he suddenly remembered the ring. Amidst the chaos earlier, he had managed to keep it in his pocket. Nobody knew he had it.

Nobody knew that he was able to speak with Jiyong before he went unconscious. Only he was there at the last five seconds of Jiyong’s waking moments. He was the only one to see the sad tears he shed upon knowing that he was dying. He was the only one able to see the light in his eyes, shining as if saying he wanted to live, wanted to fight.

What he couldn’t understand was the ring he found beside Jiyong. Did it belong to him? It could have belonged to anyone who went on the stage. It may have also been a gift that a fan threw - he wouldn’t be able to make sure.

But Jiyong’s eyes. They were leading him to it.

Jiyong wanted him to find the ring. Did he drop it when he fell? Why was he so concerned for it? Why would a dying person be concerned for jewellery? Maybe Jiyong was in pain and his eyes just darted at random things?

So many questions. Questions he couldn’t answer.

He wanted to tell someone but what could he say? Was it so important that he had to ask? Do they need to know this now? Everyone was worried about Jiyong’s condition. Their priority should be Jiyong’s life. They mustn’t be bothered by silly things such as this. They’d probably scold him if he’d ask. They wouldn’t understand.

But not his hyung.

Daesung looked at Seunghyun beside him. They may have drifted apart for the past few months but that could be changed now. During times like these, times of uncertainty and hopelessness, they need each other. He felt that if he opened up to Seunghyun, his hyung would slowly put down the wall between them. He would be able to dispel his guard once again.

“Hyung,” he called, reaching out for him.

At the same time he reached for Seunghyun’s arm, the man stood up from his chair and went out the lobby and into the corridor to Jiyong’s room.

Daesung couldn’t help but think that Seunghyun was really avoiding him.

He sunk back at his corner once again at the realization. He felt so disconnected from everyone.  He watched the other members – Taeyang was talking nonstop on the phone and Seungri was angry at the manager. He couldn’t talk to Seunghyun, much more comfort him. He couldn’t even read into Jiyong’s dying message.

He took out the ring from his pocket and stared. His hands looked so dirty and calloused against it. It was simple ring. Simple compared to the ring Jiyong would wear. It was something classic and elegant. Something you wouldn’t think the radical G-Dragon would wear. Maybe it did not belong to him after all?

He tried to put it on. As soon as it was in his fingers he quickly took it off. It was so beautiful that he felt his hands didn’t do it justice. That was when he noticed there were scratches on the inside. Taking a closer look, the scratches appear to be engraving. They were in Roman alphabet but only the lower half of the letters could be read. Maybe it was Jiyong’s after all? He was always so fascinated by foreign languages.

He’d like to imagine that this was Jiyong’s gift to him. His last gift before he died. He would be able to wear it once he accepts his passing.

Daesung cried loudly. How could he have thought that? Jiyong wasn’t even dead and his thoughts were already at this stage.

He couldn’t help it. He’d been around death before. He had felt this before. And there was only one conclusion.

Only one, inevitable, inescapable, impending ending.

Seungri was shouting something at him but he didn’t hear him. All he could hear is the rustle of Death’s cloak, the clanging of his scythe and his footsteps drawing nearer.

All at once it stops and Seunghyun appears from the corridor.

“T-TOP hyung…?” Daesung called out.

No matter how disconnected he might be, Daesung would always know how to read Seunghyun’s face.

He lets out a heart wrenching wail.

-=oOo=-

“Hyung STOP!” Daesung yelled when Taeyang raised his voice.

“I remember now!” Taeyang charged at Seunghyun. “Jiyong told me that you were obsessed about that platform.” Taeyang grew impatient because this was going nowhere. “Why didn’t you do anything?!”

Taeyang pushed Seunghyun, making him fall on the couch. Seunghyun didn’t react, he just looked down at his phone, emotionless. Taeyang grabbed the collar of his shirt.

Daesung couldn’t just stand there and watch his hyungs fight. Moreover, he wouldn’t just stand there and let Seunghyun get harmed.

“STOP THIS! Can’t you see he’s hurt?” Daesung grabbed Taeyang’s bandaged hand to stop him. “How could you blame him for this?”

"Didn't you hear me? I said WHY hyung?!"

Seunghyun blinked and Daesung could see the cloud in his eyes disappear. It looked as if Seunghyun was now finally aware of his surroundings.

"You knew it was going to fall so WHY didn't you stop him?!" Taeyang shouted at him. "ANSWER ME!"

Daesung looked at Seunghyun. He’d also like to know. How did Seunghyun know that it was the platform that collapsed? He’d also like to know why Seunghyun was letting himself be blamed for this. Why was he punishing himself for something he didn’t do? Why go through all this pain? Why was he so guilty?

"I know you loved him!" Taeyang said when he didn't answer. "I loved him too!"

Daesung looked from Taeyang to Seunghyun and back again. Seunghyun loved Jiyong? He knew his hyung loved all of them. Seunghyun often told them that he loved his dongsaengs; the man himself constantly reminds them. But Seunghyun, in love with Jiyong, in a romantic way?

Was it true?

He looked at the man in question. Seunghyun just sat there still but his eyes were open wider now. Maybe he did not expect for Taeyang to know. He just continued to stare however. He neither confirmed nor denied.

Daesung’s mind travelled at the speed of light. There were so many questions in his head. When did this happen? Before debut?  During the GD&TOP album promotions? How did this happen? Who confessed to whom? How long has this been going on? Why didn’t he know? Why didn’t Seunghyun tell him?

"I would have stopped him..." Taeyang shook off the shocked Daesung. At the news, Daesung felt all his energy disappear. He just stood in front of Seunghyun, overwhelmed by his thoughts. As many as the questions were, there were also answers. Answers to questions he had long asked.

He remembered all those times were Seunghyun had acted differently, coldly to him - Jiyong was always there.

He remembered the days where Seunghyun would suddenly disappear - it was Jiyong who always called.

He remembered how Seunghyun complained about money - Jiyong would have new things the next day.

He remembered when he gave Seunghyun a tight hug after his birthday – Jiyong had been cautious of him ever since.

He remembered those times where he caught Seunghyun sneaking at night - he always went to Jiyong’s room.

It explained so many things.

Why Seunghyun was so pained at Jiyong’s death - on top of blaming himself, he had lost his lover.

Why Seunghyun let them grow apart, why he let himself be distant - he was Jiyong’s lover and Jiyong was jealous.

Daesung couldn’t handle it anymore. It hurt that nobody told him about it. It hurt to know that he had been lied to.  It hurt that no one, including Seunghyun, thought that it was important for him to know. But surprisingly, what hurt most is that Seunghyun loved Jiyong.

Instead of him.

He didn’t know he had these feelings. All his life he thought that he cared for Seunghyun as a brother. But knowing that Seunghyun was capable of loving a man - how he wished that it would be him. How he wished it was him instead of Jiyong.

Jiyong.

His hyung.

His friend.

His dead friend.

Before Daesung sheds a tear in front of Seunghyun, he turns his back from him and marches to his own room. How could he think of these evil thoughts? Jiyong died and Seunghyun was suffering. How could he think of his own situation at this moment? How dare he think that he could take advantage of Seunghyun in this state? How could he be jealous of his dead friend?

He couldn’t face Seunghyun with these thoughts. He had to organize his feelings first. Before he closes the door however, he glances at Seunghyun.

He sees the cloud reappear in his eyes.

-=oOo=-

“Hyung I’m sorry!” Taeyang was shouting at Seunghyun with tears on his face. “I didn’t mean what I said before. I was looking for someone to blame and I have been angry at you for long time too. I guess I was just looking for a reason to get this anger off my chest.” Taeyang continued to shout. “I’m not blaming you for Jiyong’s death. Please step away from the ledge!”

They were on the hotel rooftop. The sun had just set and the hotel sign flickered on, illuminating them until night came.

“Hyung! Don’t do this!” Seungri closed his fist so hard it started to bleed. “Seunghyun hyung, it’s not the end of the world!” Seungri took a step towards Seunghyun. They gasped as Seunghyun also took a step closer at the edge. He was just a few inches away from falling off dozens of floors and into the hard concrete.

“Don’t come closer!” their manager grabbed Seungri and pulled him back. “He might jump!”

The company president came a few minutes later. “What happened to him?” It was unbelievable what could happen in a span of a day. Just this morning the star of his company, who was like a son to him, died. And now, came evening, Seunghyun was attempting to kill himself. It was like losing two sons in a span of a day.

Hyun Suk called in the police and fire-fighters to assist them. It was difficult to find a negotiator who could speak Korean, but fortunately they found one. However, no matter what he said, nothing could make Seunghyun react. The doctor told them that Seunghyun had out. He suggested letting him hear his mother’s voice and see if he would respond to that. They hooked up a laptop and called in Seunghyun’s mother. But even still –

Nothing.

Daesung didn’t understand what he felt. He felt scared and worried. He felt it more after each attempt to bring Seunghyun back was unsuccessful. They were in that rooftop for over two hours now waiting for Seunghyun to make a move. Who knows, maybe his legs would give away and he could just fall?

Must he watch them die? After watching the light in Jiyong’s eyes disappear, must he also watch Seunghyun’s demise?

He couldn’t.

He wouldn’t.

Even if he had to fight Death.

 “Hyung… It’s me, Daesung…” he inched closer. He hears gasps and protests from the others.  To their relief, mostly Daesung’s, Seunghyun didn’t step closer to the edge as what he’d done when Seungri stepped closer before.

“I understand now.” Daesung was a few feet away from him now. “Why I’ve been feeling like you were avoiding me.” He could see the cloud that blocked Seunghyun’s eyes were still there. “You… You were with Jiyong hyung.” said softly so the others wouldn’t hear.

Seunghyun just stood there, staring blankly at the distance.

It was torture for Daesung. Seeing him like this was torture.

He knew that this may be falling on deaf ears but he needed this to be said. “And now that he’s gone, I know how you feel.” Daesung continued, he reached out his hands to touch him. “You miss him.”

Daesung was about to touch him but he was so afraid that he just let it fall in empty space. “But if you go to him like this...” He cried now. “…I’ll miss you hyung.”

“Hyung, don’t do this.” He pleaded. “I know I’m not Jiyong hyung but I’ll promise to take care of you. I’ll love you in his place, okay? So don’t feel alone anymore. You’ll always have us.” He stretched out his hands to point at Seungri and Taeyang.

“And you’ll always have me.” Daesung wiped his tears. “What do you say?”

Seunghyun just remained staring at the distance.

“Hyung, why don’t you speak? Why don’t you talk to me?” Daesung reached out his hand to touch him again.

He regretted it right away.

Before he could even reach for him again Seunghyun took a step and was now centimetres away from falling.

Even now, Seunghyun avoids him. It crushed Daesung’s heart – Seunghyun would rather step off the building and join Jiyong in death than be close to him.

“IF HYUNG IS JUMPING, I’M JUMPING WITH HIM!”

Daesung turned his head and he sees Seungri running towards them. Seungri had meant to grab Seunghyun in case he takes another step but then Seunghyun snaps from his reverie and tackles him down.

“YOU FOOL! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

“But Jiyong-hyung’s dead and-”

“SO YOU DO KNOW HOW PRECIOUS THE LIFE THAT WAS STOLEN FROM HIM! HOW COULD YOU THROW YOURS AWAY LIKE THAT?”

For Seunghyun, Jiyong was as precious as life itself. What was it about Jiyong that made Seunghyun think like this? What did he do to make Seunghyun love him so much? What should he do to make Seunghyun love him as much?

Seunghyun stood up from where he knelt and looked up. He looked around him looking lost and confused.

Daesung took off his jacket and put it over Seunghyun. “Everything’s going to be alright hyung. We’ll get through this together.” He was surprised that Seunghyun didn’t shrug him away. Finally, he was able to climb over the wall Seunghyun build between them. It was a start, he would be able to heal Seunghyun’s heart. He would be able to bring back the old Seunghyun. His Seunghyun.

“I’m glad we got you back hyung...” Daesung said as he put another coat at his shoulders.

“I’m back.”

Daesung couldn’t be any happier upon hearing those words.

-=oOo=-

Daesung sat in a corner once again. He had Seungri and Taeyang at his side. They were in Jiyong’s wake.

As soon as their plane landed that morning, they went to get a change of clothes and went straight there. They had meant to leave that afternoon to rest and visit their families but it seems like they couldn’t leave Jiyong so easily. You could only leave after you have accepted the passing of the dead. They could not.

“You’ll leave our guests here?” Jiyong’s father was speaking to his wife.

“I must do this.” Mrs. Kwon said somberly, leaving the dining room to visit the adjacent room, to the room where Jiyong’s coffin rested. The altar was big, but it looked so small under all the flowers offered to it. Hundreds of visitors had come and gone that afternoon. Most were Jiyong’s family and some were from YG. More would visit tomorrow, he thought.  But it wasn’t open to the public and he wondered if they would transfer to bigger venue if they would.

“Where’s TOP?”

Seungri had been answering this question for the whole afternoon. He explains that Seunghyun went to a hospital to recuperate from exhaustion and stress that’s why he couldn’t come right away. He would also lie and tell them Seunghyun might visit tomorrow.

“Maybe he’ll be here tomorrow.” Seungri smiled faintly.

They all knew it wouldn’t happen because that afternoon received news from Hyun Suk, confessing to them that Seunghyun had been sent to the sanatorium at the border of the city. The press release was he was sent to hospital that morning to be examined. The truth was, the doctors were able to convince Seunghyun’s mother that his son was in danger and Mrs. Choi would do anything to keep his son alive, even if it meant sending him there.

Who knows how long would Seunghyun be kept there?

Daesung didn’t believe that Seunghyun had gone insane. But he too felt that Seunghyun needed the time away from the world. Time to forget about the hurt, the pain and the loss. They couldn’t afford Seunghyun having blackouts and endangering himself. What if he would go on top of a building again? It was too risky so it had to be done. It would only be a matter of time when the cloud disappears from Seunghyun’s eyes and he would go back to normal again.

“You’ve met with Seunghyun?” Mr. Kwon was on the phone, speaking to his wife again. “You’re coming back now?”

Daesung stood from where he sat. Did he hear things right?

“Your friend.” Mr. Kwon went to their table. “He’s out of the hospital.”

Was this really happening? Seunghyun was coming back so soon?

He looked at Taeyang and Seungri. Both of them were so excited about the news.

“I really wish he’s okay right now.” Taeyang told them while waiting.

“Jiyong-hyung, ” Seungri glanced at the other room, to Jiyong’s picture with the black ribbon on the frame. “He’d be happy to see him.”

Daesung looked at the altar, to Jiyong’s picture. It broke his heart to see Jiyong go like this but he could finally feel that they were ready to accept Jiyong’s death. He remembered the ring and he slipped in on his fingers. He frowned – it still looked too foreign for his hands.

“I’m sorry.”

Daesung could hear Mrs. Kwon on the other room. He craned his neck to see who was with her. No one was following her inside. All three of them stood when she entered the room.

“We are not pressing charges.” She told her husband after greeting him. “Our Jiyong,” she said. “- he fell.”

They didn’t understand what she said and maybe they couldn’t care less. What they wanted to know was where Seunghyun was.

Mrs. Kwon noticed the eyes that stared from the other table. She went to their table to greet them.

“He’s not coming.”

He looked over to Taeyang and Seungri. They had the same confused face. “Did he get out of the hospital? Where is he now?” Taeyang asked.

“Yes my dear. He’s at the dorm, resting.” Mrs. Kwon answered.

“Thank God.” Taeyang sighed in relief. “Yeah he should rest first. He can visit tomorrow.”

“He won’t be coming.” Mrs. Kwon added somberly.

They had the confused faces once more. “Why?” Seungri couldn’t help but ask.

“He cannot come.” Mrs. Kwon looked at him. “He cannot.” She repeated.

“He…” Daesung repeated after her. “…cannot.”

There was only one rule on who couldn’t visit a funeral. Anyone who is engaged to be married and has set a date is not supposed to go funerals.

“My dear boy,” Mrs. Kwon suddenly grabbed his hand and lifted it close to her face. “Where did you get this?!” she asked frantically. She had seen a similar ring that same night.

Daesung was startled at Mrs. Kwon sudden actions. Mrs. Kwon was looking at her weirdly. She sat down a chair and continued to stare in surprise.

That was when Daesung realized the meaning of this ring.

Without warning, he left them with their questions. He called for a taxi, ordering the driver to step up the gas and head for the direction of Bigbang’s dorm.

He took the ring of his fingers and squinted his eyes to see the engravings on the inside. Somehow, when he finds the other half of this ring, he could confirm it.

This was their engagement rings – Jiyong and Seunghyun’s.

Mrs. Kwon must have seen the other ring on Seunghyun. Seunghyun must have set the date for their wedding – that’s why he couldn’t come.

Daesung remembered the look Jiyong gave him. Jiyong was trying to tell him something at that time. Maybe this was it? Jiyong knew that he was capable of taking care of Seunghyun, he knew that he could love Seunghyun so maybe he was passing on this ring to him to make sure someone looks over Seunghyun when he was gone.

He arrived at the dorm and ran upstairs. He entered the passcode hurriedly and when the doors open he thought about crying then and there because there was Seunghyun, sitting in the dark, on the couch, wine glass in hand.

“Hyung…” Daesung stood at the door, panting.

“He fell,” Seunghyun told him with a broken voice. “Can you believe it? Stupid Jiyong just fell from the platform.” a painful smile adorned his face. The moonlight illuminated the half-filled glass and a ring in Seunghyun’s fingers. “That stupid Jiyong…” he took another sip.

Daesung recognized the ring right away.

“I really miss him.” Seunghyun poured himself another glass, his eyes shedding a tear as he did so. “Why did he have to go?”

Thinking about it, Daesung would never risk his life to save a ring. But Jiyong did. Now he finally knew what Jiyong did to make Seunghyun love him so much. And now he knew that he could never replace Jiyong, no matter how hard he tried.

Daesung suddenly didn’t want to be there. Because he had the answer to his question.

He went the couch and sat down beside Seunghyun to finally tell him Jiyong’s dying message. “He fell…” Daesung told him. “…trying to save this.” He opened his palms slowly to reveal a ring.

Seunghyun was thrown back in the pits of despair.

The reason why Jiyong died.

It was him all along.

TBC

A/N: I felt like this was a recap chapter. If you have time to read it again, please let me know if you’ve found inconsistencies. Please let me know what you think!! Thank you all so very much!!!