Missing you
Watching Over YouHe really misses it.
More than air.
More than water.
More than light.
Seunghyun looks at a picture on his cellphone, at Jiyong whose head was thrown back, perfect white teeth showing and eyes almost disappearing in a smile.
Jiyong's laughter.
He misses it.
He quickly cancels another incoming call, annoyed at the ringing that mixed with Jiyong's laughter in his head. There was already enough noise distubing him. The sound of police sirens. The clicking of cameras. Fans shouting.
But amidst the disquiet, Jiyong's laughter flashes in his memory over and over.
Jiyong places a hand on his shoulder, hides his face on his back while he laughs hysterically. He does this a lot when he's embarassed. He would Seunghyun's arm as he laughed, sometimes hold on to it for dear life. Jiyong would sink his teeth in Seunghyun's shoulder a little, believing it could help him stop himself from laughing so hard.
Seunghyun stopped abruptly from walking and removed his sunglasses to wipe the tears blocking his eyes. He let out all the air in his lungs and waited for the tears to stop flowing. Why does missing Jiyong's laugher hurt so much?
"Go now."
His thoughts were interrupted by a hand that gently pushed him outside the elevator. It was only then that he noticed they have reached their suite.
"Get some rest."
Seunghyun remained silent and immobile. The manager didn't seem to get any response from any of the other members so he continued. "I'll have someone clean up here and bring you food." He said as he saw the mess they left the night before. Whatever food was left in that room shouldn't be edible anymore. "You should eat. At least drink-"
"What will happen to Jiyong hyung?" Seungri cut him. "Where were they taking him?"
The manager was suprised from the sudden interruption. Seungri was back to his angry self from the hospital. It was understandable that the boy was shaken and confused. Just this time, his actions could be forgiven.
"He will be examined, then prepared to be transported back to Korea for the wake."
"Are we going back too?"
His manager was equally taken aback at the sound of Daesung's voice. It was the first words he spoke since his breakdown at the hospital.
"Wait for the president. After he settles some affairs, he will drop by here to talk to you. We've cancelled all your activities but we still need you to appear at a few-"
The manager didn't get a chance to continue as Seungri shook his head.
Seungri could not calmly talk about these things. It was too much. He gave them a very stunned look as if saying "Are you seriously discussing this now?" before quickly marching to his room.
"Wait for the president." The manager just repeated as he sorrowfully entered the elevator again. "Take care of maknae. I'll handle the sitution downstairs. Call me if you need anything."
"And Seunghyun," the manager said before the doors closed. "Your mother and sister has been calling me." He pointed at the cellphone in Seunghyun's hand. "You should answer that."
Seunghyun looked at his phone, at Jiyong. He didn't dare press the menu button lest the Jiyong in there would disappear too.
But he remembered his mother and thought how worried she must be. He decided to press it. The screen was immediately flooded with missed call alerts and messages from everyone he knew.
His spirits were lifted a little as he quickly scrolled down the list, seeing many were concerned for his well being and it gave him encouragement.
As the list goes down however, he was reminded of the accident that night.
"Seunghyun-ah, is it true? Jiyong's dead?"
"There's news out here that Jiyong died during the concert? What's happening there?"
"Hey, a rumor's going around. Did Jiyong get into an accident?"
Just when Seunghyun couldn't take it anymore, his eyes landed on a particular conversation.
It was sent the night before. He couldn't sleep and decided to write some lyrics. When he hit a dead end he decided to take a quick shower. Jiyong left a surprise in the table when he got back.
Got the coffee? Don't stay up too late.
What's the coffee for then?
Because.
Because what?
Because you like coffee.
Yeah. I love coffee.
Seunghyun remebered what Jiyong did to learn how to make coffee to his taste. Jiyong would stay at the dining table even after he finished eating just so he could watch how he made his coffee. Jiyong would make mental notes on what beans he likes on rainy days, how many teaspoons of sugar to put when he was sad, or what cup to use on Mondays. And sometimes Jiyong would make excuses to touch his cup, just to know the temperature.
He looked at the last message Jiyong sent.
I know.
Seunghyun's hands were trembling as he hit reply.
I miss you so much Ji. Why'd you have to go? Come back. I want you here. I can't do this without you. I miss you so much. Come back to me. I need you and I want you here. Ji baby, I miss you so much...
Seunghyun read the message over and over since his hands couldn't move anymore. When he had regained enough strength to make a movement, he deleted each letter one by one, his fingers moving ever so slowly.
"Didn't you hear me? I said WHY hyung?!"
He looked up to see Taeyang in front of him. He doesn't have any memory of sitting down in this couch. Or when Seungri had opened his door to look at the commotion outside. Or for how long had Taeyang been screaming at him. Or why Daesung was in between them, clutching Taeyang's bandaged hand to stop him.
"You knew it was going to fall so WHY didn't you stop him?!" Taeyang shouted at him. "ANSWER ME!"
Seunghyun just looked blankly at Taeyang's wrathful glare. He wasn't a bit scared that he might punch him. Seunghyun welcomed the thought that he would get hurt. It was the punishment he deserved.
"I know you loved him!" Taeyang said when he didn't answer. "I loved him too!"
Seunghyun's eyes widened as he heard this. He had suspected Taeyang to know their relationship. No matter how well he and Jiyong hid it, it was impossible that they couldn't see. But no one ever asked about it, no one spoke of it. Years can pass and no one would admit it.
Until now.
When Jiyong was gone.
Jiyong was the one who held them together, kept the system running and balanced all their emotions. And now that he was gone, it all fell apart.
"I would have stopped him..." Taeyang shook off Daesung as he stepped back. Seunghyun noticed his anger dissapated after his confession. "I just have to know why you didn't."
Seunghyun still didn't answer. He threw away whatever hope he had for Taeyang to exact judgement through physical pain. Grief, no longer anger, enveloped Taeyang.
When Taeyang left for his room, Seunghyun looked at Daesung. He just stood there with wide eyes fixed on him. By the way he looked, Seunghyun could tell Daesung was disappointed in him. They were very close and he even considers him his best friend so he hated himself whenever he let Daesung down.
Was he shocked to know Taeyang had feelings for Jiyong?
Was he shocked to know Seunghyun was lying to them all this time?
Or was he shocked to know that he was in a relationship?
As he looked in the Daesung's pained face, Seunghyun thought the latter was the answer. He remembered Jiyong telling him he was being jealous of his closeness to Daesung, always reminding him to not get too sweet and touchy. Seunghyun reassured him he had nothing to worry about for he would always think of Daesung as a brother. But even though he said that, just so Jiyong would not have a reason to be jealous, whenever the three of them were together Seunghyun would be careful of his actions and words around Daesung.
It was only now that Seunghyun understood why Jiyong made himself the jealous lover. Jiyong must have discovered Daesung had feelings for him. And to spare him the burden of these feelings, Jiyong took it upon himself to make the distance. He even made sure that Seunghyun would not do anything to make Daesung misunderstand his care for love.
He watched as Daesung turned his back from him and start heading to his room. Only then did he notice Seungri's door also click shut.
They were breaking apart.
He looked around.
He was alone.
He looked down at the phone in his hand. It still read -
I miss you
He looked at the coffee mug in the table in front, admiring Jiyong's efforts to bring the ceramic and its ingredients from all the way home. He remembered it was the warm Sunday cup with Java beans and one teaspoon of sugar.
It dawned on him that at this point, it was the only thing he could do -
Remember.
He went to his own room, locked the door, closed the curtains and wrapped himself in the blankets.
He really misses Jiyong.
More than air.
More than water.
More than light.
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