I love you Choi Seunghyun

Jiyong wanted so much for him to hear it.

Those words that would always make his lips curve a little more. Those words that would make his hands reach for him in an embrace. Those words that would make Seunghyun whisper back “I love you too...”

He stretched out his hands to touch Seunghyun, to wipe the endless tears that seemed to fall uncontrollably from his eyes. He wanted to embrace him, tell him everything will be alright and if it will be of any comfort, tell him he would always love him no matter what, even after death.

But his hands never reached.

“They’re here.”

Jiyong tore his eyes away from Seunghyun to look at the figures approaching from the corridor. It was Yang Hyun Suk with his parents. They passed by everyone in the corridor, not paying attention to those that greeted them and went straight to where his body was. It looks as if they have not heard of the sad news yet.

Jiyong did not understand why. Why despite the urge to go her mother, whose cries were so deafening it would haunt the hospital even after they left, he could not leave Seunghyun’s side. He stayed with him as the boy crumbled to the wall for support, with eyes barely open from all the tears welling up.

“I’m sorry.” Seunghyun whispered in between sobs while watching his mother cry. “I should have stopped him... I’m sorry...”

Jiyong watched in horror as Seunghyun continued to apologize to his mother.

“I should have known and I should have stopped him...” Seunghyun said, louder than he meant. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay hyung.”

Taeyang who was near him caught what he had just said. He put an arm in Seunghyun’s shoulder to console him. He even managed to smile despite the tears in his eyes and the blood from his knuckles. “It was an accident,” Taeyang mustered up all his strength to utter more words of encouragement. “No one could have known the-”

“I knew.”

Seunghyun closed his eyes. He never really had the chance to say it - the thing that has been eating him since he heard the crash during the encore. He thought he could bury it in the shadow of his mind, in the dark recesses of his memory, but the sin was too heavy and the cost was too high.

Taeyang dropped his hand from his shoulder. “What do you mean you knew hyung?” he asked him with an incredulous look, half caring, half curious.

“It was the platform.” Seunghyun told him with bloodshot eyes. “It wasn’t the fireworks. It wasn’t the harness.” Seunghyun covered his face with a hand. “I’m sorry.”

“You knew the platform would give out?!” Taeyang almost shouted him.

All at once everyone’s eyes darted at him again, waiting for what he was about to say. Even Jiyong’s mother, who had been crying unstoppably, raised her head to look at him.

“I knew.” He said, lowering the hand on his face to look back at the hateful faces staring at him. He opened his mouth to explain more, but even he could not speak in front of those judging, condemning eyes.

 Finally, everyone had an answer.

Everyone who was wondering why someone had to die at a young age.

Everyone who refused to believe that Kwon Jiyong could just die like that.

Everyone who wished they could have said or done something for him before he died.

Everyone who would have done anything for him to live again. 

Everyone who was angry at the world and needed someone to blame.

They all had an answer.

Everyone including Seunghyun.

Jiyong could only watch as Seunghyun silently walked out of the lobby. He saw how the shine in his eyes had disappeared, how his vision was blurred, his gaze, empty and how purposeless his steps had become.

Seeing this, Jiyong understood why he was in this incorporeal existence.

This was his punishment. Punishment for leaving Seunghyun all alone in this world, for abandoning him. No one would be able to make him smile again. No one would be able to make him laugh again.  No one will be able to make him happy again.

This was his hell. To be able to exist, without being able to touch, caress and comfort the one he loves. To only be able to see him suffer at every waking moment, to see him waste away day by day, to see him tormented by the guilt in his heart.

This was hell. Because seeing Seunghyun like this was farthest thing from heaven.

Now he understood why was he stuck in this state. It was his love for Seunghyun that made him stay. He could not leave so suddenly without knowing what Seunghyun had become without him. Unless Seunghyun's love dies along with him, he could never move on. Unless Seunghyun lets him go, he cannot leave.

Now he will dedicate this existence to watching over Seunghyun. Unable to pass on to the next world unless Seunghyun is able to smile again, laugh again, live again and love again.

This was his punishment.